by Michael Noe
As I looked at her, I could see that she did. It was in the way she held my hand and looked at me. There was a softness there that told me I was going too far, but I couldn’t stop myself. I had to be the asshole. It was what I did. It was how I became successful. People in the end respected me because I could cut through the bullshit and find the bottom line. This hippie shit sounded great on paper but in reality, it could never work. Someone would saunter in and piss all over it. What I needed to do was just sit back and observe. “I’m sorry if I offended you. It wasn’t my intention.” I smiled my best winning smile and extended my hand. Randy shook it and waved his hand dismissively.
“It’s okay. I’m used to it. These people here aren’t following me at all. They want to feel safe. You want to see the units?”
Audrey shot me a look that warned me to be quiet. She took over and we made our way back outside and toward a unit in the middle. “This is a three bedroom, and it’s yours if you want it. You can stay as long as you like.” Randy opened the door and I heard Audrey gasp. It was amazing. It was an open concept with a large kitchen that had been painted in light colors, accentuated by oak hard wood floors. There was a large sofa and a recliner that faced a muted big screen television. They had obviously cleaned the place because the smell of rotting food was gone. It had existed everywhere we had stayed. It was odd not having it assault my nostrils.
“Thank you, Randy. It’s amazing.” I walked toward the kitchen and wondered what the people who originally owned it were like. They were clearly into art and the bookshelf was crammed with the latest best sellers. I could make out Caroline Kepnes and Nicolas Sparks among others. It was comfortable, but not overly decorated. I liked it and hated that I wouldn’t be around long enough to make the place home. I heard Randy babble about dinner and if we needed anything, to just find him in the unit we had previously been in.
I had assumed that once he left, I would get to relax a little before the meet and greet but Audrey turned on me. We hadn’t one disagreement the whole time we had traveled, but now I could see the storm clouds raging in her eyes. She poked me in the chest while continuing to glare at me. “What the fuck was that all about?”
“What? C’mon, you didn’t really buy into that bullshit, did you? You have to be kidding me!”
“It was rude as fuck. I can’t believe you did that!”
I laughed sarcastically and felt my anger rise. “These people aren’t going to save the world, sweets. They’re going to fall like a house of cards at the first sign of danger. I’m not about to play G.I. Joe with a bunch of people that have no idea what they’re up against. This isn’t a game, Audrey. Do you remember some of the shit we’ve seen?”
“Of course but Jesus, you practically made fun of them for having ideas. It was embarrassing.”
“No, what’s embarrassing is how quickly you instantly join their side without even questioning it.”
Audrey turned away from me and for a second, I felt like the world’s biggest asshole. It was just a second because I wasn’t wrong. Someone had to be realistic. “You know what I think?”
“Don’t even say!” I snarled. This was all bullshit. I was more pissed at Randy for thinking he could save humanity and I was even more pissed that my girlfriend bought into it.
“You’re jealous of him!”
“Oh for fuck’s sake! That’s not it at all!” I had never wanted to hit a woman as much as I wanted to hit Audrey at that very moment. I wanted to knock that smirk right off her face. At the same time, I wanted to rip her clothes off and fuck her right there in the kitchen. A little angry sex was just what we needed, but I had a feeling that after this, we wouldn’t be having sex for a very long time. Even if it had been all my fault, there was no way I was going to admit it. Fuck Randy and his little condo commune.
Our sex had become almost primal. It was as if we were both trying to banish our fears through lovemaking. I had never been with anyone like Audrey and as I stared at her, I loved her and hated her at the same time. I hated that she was better than me, and I hated that she was so fucking fearless. How was I supposed to admit to her that I was scared to death of losing her? I don’t know what I would have done if I had lost her. Just thinking about it made my soul ache. I had never felt like that about anyone and I hated that she made me feel that way. It was all her fault that I was in fucking Florida in the first place. This hadn’t been my idea at all. Now I was an asshole for having an opinion. I was an asshole because I didn’t think that the world was good enough to be saved. I wasn’t going to follow these people blindly. I wasn’t wired that way.
“What was it then?” She asked. Her arms were crossed defiantly as she waited for an answer. What answer did she expect? What response would be good enough to get me off of her shit list? That was just it. There wasn’t one. She expected me to just follow along without question. I couldn’t do that.
I tried to formulate something but the words escaped me. It was a multitude of things. There was no way to just pin it down it to one thing. “It doesn’t matter because no matter what I say, I’m still the asshole aren’t I? In your mind, I’ve already committed some egregious sin.” I headed out the door and left her fuming. Fuck her bullshit. I didn’t need it and I wasn’t about to feel guilty for having the ability to think for myself. I was never one to follow the herd and I wasn’t about to start now unless I felt that it would benefit me in some way. I was still the selfish person I had always been. Love hadn’t cured me and sure as hell didn’t save my soul. Some souls just aren’t worth saving.
Chapter Thirteen: Another Interlude
I often wonder if anyone from Florida has written anything about their experiences from the commune. I can’t be the only one that’s written something down. Wherever I leave this, I wonder if it will impact someone, or make them see that you can change even if you don’t want to. Change. The word conjures up memories, both good and bad. No matter how resistant you are, you always find that you’re changing. You see something on television that forces you to think and you begin to see things a bit differently. You may talk to someone and hear something that catches your ear and again, it just changes the way you see things.
I thought that I was unchangeable. I was so resistant to it that it began to alienate people. They knew it so it drove them further and further away. I can honestly say that if it hadn’t been for Audrey, they wouldn’t have tolerated me for long.
What I failed to see was just how much I had changed. Even as I write this, I’m writing this as a different person. I’m not the same guy I was a year ago, and there were so many things that brought me to this point. Part of it was Audrey and as you read this, I’m sure you can see that here and there, little bits and pieces falling away, allowing me to morph into me being less of a chicken shit. I never wanted to save the world. It wasn’t my job and I still feel that it isn’t. As I write this, you should know that the world as we know it is dead. It’s gone. All we have left to fight for is survival. That’s why I often wonder if anyone else has written anything. I would love to see other view points and thoughts that other people have had throughout all of this. What are their fears? What were their thoughts as the world crashed down around them?
All we have left are the memories and even the stories. This is my way of remembering and being honest with myself about what happened. There was a time when you would pay a therapist to peer into your head so he could see your deepest, darkest secrets. This is laying my soul bare so that I can maybe make sense of all that happened. You get to read about it and see it through my eyes. I bet you’re wondering if I’m holding something back and the answer is no. I have no reason to. I have nothing left to lose, so why lie to you, dear reader? I can only imagine you sitting wherever you are, reading this and trying to connect yourself to me in some small way. That’s the beauty of stories. They allow us to live vicariously through the story teller.
The big question is just how much have I changed? That’s not a question I want to
answer. I needed to take a break from the story for a moment. These interludes allow me to slow my brain down. There are so many things I want to say and I’m afraid that once it all comes tumbling out, it won’t make sense. When those moments hit, I grab a beer and hit the beach. I sit there for hours, just trying to unwind. Sometimes it works. Most of the time it doesn’t so I end up drunk, but not too drunk. I don’t recommend passing out on the beach. It’s just not safe.
When I was a kid, I loved the beach. I loved the way the wet sand felt as it squished in between my naked toes. No matter how hot the day got, that sand was always cold. That was where summer really mattered and even meant something. The feel of the water as it cooled my sweaty skin was the closest to heaven that I’ve ever been. Sometimes you would see a woman get hit with a wave and her breast would pop out, or her suit would move just enough so that you got a glimpse of her vagina. I would freeze those moments and they would come back to me in my dreams. Now, as I sit here, there’s nothing around me. If I close my eyes, I can remember how crowded places like this used to be. The smell of suntan lotion and stale sweat would hover between the fishy odor that the water always seemed to have.
Life and death never mattered back then. When I was a kid, death wasn’t something I ever thought about, but now? It’s all I think about sometimes. When I can’t sleep, I can see the ghosts of the past, watching over me, waiting for me to make a mistake so that they would have another lost soul join them. In the summer, I always felt alive. In Florida, it always feels like summer but I only feel sadness. I feel sad that I won’t get to meet the person that reads this. Who are you? Is my story entertaining enough? Is it everything you hoped that it would be?
Chapter Fourteen: Outside Looking In
I stormed outside, cursing Audrey for putting me in this position. I don’t know why she thought I would buy into all this bullshit. This was what she had been seeking all along. Someone to guide her, and tell her that everything was going to work out fine. All you needed was a little elbow grease and ingenuity. People were easily led because they swallowed the lies without question. That was the downfall of the human mind. If you believed in it with all of your soul, it would happen. Where there was hope, there was a possibility. It wasn’t fair to drag everyone into that realm of thinking. It was dangerous and would eat at your hope like a cancer. I didn’t think Audrey could be that gullible, but obviously she was.
In Georgia, she was okay with the little group of hippies that we encountered because they weren’t trying anything new. They had ideas, but the people who spoke them were toasted. They spoke of shadowy figures controlling the government, and the Illuminati stepping up and finally wiping out the mistakes that they had created. From the ashes, they would rise like a phoenix, to lead a new nation to truth and justice. Randy and his people were different. They were organized and their ideas could actually lead to something. She wanted to have something that she could believe in.
The back yard of the complex was surrounded by woods. It made them so vulnerable and I don’t think they even realized it. Anything could come crawling out of the woods to attack. In terms of a base, the condos seemed like a great idea, but they were too far out in the open. I didn’t like standing here, but I couldn’t go in. Not yet. I wanted Audrey to sweat a little. I wanted to just leave and head back to Ohio, but could I survive the winter? It was doubtful. What I needed to do was just leave. Hole up somewhere and hide. It was much easier to take care of one person. Here, there was no doubt a democracy that made everyone feel as if they were equal to everyone else. No one was better than anyone else anymore. The classes that separated everyone had been ripped down. All that was left was a hollow shell. This was the future. Our future. We were left to our own ways of survival.
We were all fucked, and now? There were others picking up the pieces while people like me hated them for it. Some things never changed. I was always going to be the one dragging my feet, and overthinking everything. I could have been a leader, but I didn’t want the responsibility. I wanted to run screaming from Florida because now I would be forced to make a choice. Did I love Audrey enough to stay and be exactly what she needed? I didn’t know.
“Thank God! I thought you left.” Audrey’s voice had never sounded so good. I was reminded of an old Ramones song called I Believe in Miracles. It was everything I was feeling at that exact moment. I wasn’t a romantic guy so the closest I could ever get to a romantic song would be by the Ramones. It fit the situation we had found ourselves in. Hearing her voice wiped away all the fear that I had. What really scared me at that moment was losing her. You will never hear wild tales of me wooing any women. I tried but I always failed. I wanted to be like John Cusack in Say Anything, but instead, I was more like Ducky from Pretty in Pink.
“Not yet,” I began. This was my shot to put us back together, but I wasn’t good at doing that. I was great at walking away, but the staying part was never my strong suit. “Honestly, the more I think about it, the more it scares the hell out of me.”
“Why?” It was a simple question yet I felt as if I were being quizzed. What if I said the wrong thing? I looked at her and could see that her eyes were red and puffy as if she had been crying. Clearly, our fight had triggered something in her, but what? I know what you’re thinking. I couldn’t really be that stupid, could I? Of course I could. I wasn’t a romantic and all of the relationships I had been in went pretty smoothly even when they ended. I was afraid that she would walk away and leave me. What the hell was I supposed to do if she did that? I had too much pride to run after her, pleading her not to leave. Why did everything have to be so complicated?
“Because I can’t stand the thought of being without you. If you leave, I know I won’t survive!” I stopped speaking and took her in my arms. The smell of her filled my nostrils and for the first time ever, I knew what real love felt like. It wasn’t supposed to fill me with so much fear. Where would I be without her? The idea left me feeling lost and adrift on a sea with no wind. Without Audrey, I knew I would be losing the greatest thing that ever happened to me. She melted into me and for the first time ever, I felt whole.
She pulled away and I could see that she was crying again. “I don’t want you to stay because you feel obligated. I don’t want to feel as if I’m holding you back. That’s not fair.”
I shook my head and kissed her. “I’m staying because I want to, and because I can’t bear the thought of being without you. Without you, there’s no me. Whatever happens, we go through it together.” I sighed and watched a smile spread across her face. I knew that no matter what happened, it was by choice, not out of obligation. I was just a boy standing in front of a girl, hoping that she loved me. This was the moment where she would tell me to fuck off and I would stand there as she walked away. I felt fear grip my heart as the seconds ticked away. I could feel them with each beat of my heart. It was pure agony. It felt as if my skin were being peeled from my body. I found it hard to breathe. It was like Anna all over again. If Audrey left, I don’t think I would have survived.
“What if you change your mind? Where does that leave me?” She asked with a slight tremor in her voice.
“That won’t happen. I love you.” There it was. So simple yet the hardest thing I have ever said. I felt exhausted, but as I looked into her eyes, I could see that the tears were flowing again.
“You won’t always love me. What happens if you grow bored, or want something else?”
“There is nothing else. Everything I have ever wanted, everything I have ever needed, is right here.”
“I love you too, but I need to hear you say that you’re staying because you want to, not because of me.”
Without a second thought, I lied to her. It was a little lie, but a necessary one. This was where I wanted to be. Forget the cause, forget everything that came with it. I wanted Audrey. That was all that mattered to me. For just a moment, we were all that existed. We had each other. In the back of my mind, I was of course wondering if that woul
d be enough. Is it ever though? In the end, don’t we all lie? It’s who we are. We want things to be safe so we say the things we need to just to keep an even playing field. It wasn’t hurting anyone so I lied. “I can’t do this without you, Audrey. I have never loved anyone the way I loved you.”
Our eyes met and we kissed. Nothing mattered but us. I had no idea what life had in store for us and I didn’t care. This was the moment I let go of everything. It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It was like swimming for the first time. You can wade into the shallow end, scared to death that you’re going to drown or you could dive into the deep and try and keep yourself afloat. You either sink or swim. There’s no other option. I’ve learned that life is a journey, not a destination. This was where I needed to be. It didn’t matter that I had no idea where any of us were headed but that didn’t matter to me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and led her to what I knew would be our new home. What happened now no longer mattered.
“I love you too,” Those words wiped away all the doubts and fears that I had. I know that it was dangerous but love makes you soft and even stupid. I know that now, but in that moment, nothing mattered. Everyone’s been there. We’ve heard all the love songs about moments and how emotions cloud all rational thought and judgment. I was in a state of free fall, and there was no parachute in sight.