by Michael Noe
“We all agree that it’s odd, but I am too tired to argue. You know what? Maybe it was the guy on the grassy knoll!” Audrey began laughing and I couldn’t help but smile. She was being a bitch and this was her way of trying to sway me away from another huge blowout. Neither of us had been sleeping much and conversation had been strained at best.
“Fuck you.” I went outside and sat on the back deck. The night was dark and I could see stars twinkling above my head. I didn’t miss planes or traffic noise. This was my slice of heaven. I no longer wanted to think anymore. It was peaceful out there and as I sat smoking, I pushed all rational thought away. I imagined myself on a cloud, soaring above everyone. I was untouchable.
The sun woke me up. It was a blazing ball of fire shining on me like a spot light. I had no idea what time it was. All I knew was that I had fallen asleep and my entire body was stiff, and cracked like breaking twigs when I stood up. Why hadn’t Audrey come and woken me up? She must really be pissed at me, I thought as I groaned. The morning was already hot and muggy. My skin was sticky with sweat as I contemplated on going into the house.
Something caught my eye before I could even move. “What the hell?” I was still blurry-eyed but as I tried to focus on what I was seeing, I felt my heart begin to pound wildly in my chest. It was Randy. He was staring at me, but I doubt that he was actually seeing me. He was covered in mud and naked. He was clutching something as if it were a doll. I could see tufts of hair peeking out from between his clutched fingers. At first I thought that it was a doll, but the way he was holding it, caressing it, I could tell that it wasn’t a doll at all.
It was a head. The skin was soft and doughy. I could see muscles dangling from the stump in the neck. As he watched me, he smiled and placed his hand inside the stump and worked it like a puppet. My paralysis broke and I ran into the apartment. What the hell was I supposed to do? I ran to the bedroom to check on Audrey. My fear was growing as I went into the kitchen. I had to alert the patrols. They would know what to do, or would they? We had never had to deal with something like this. Was Randy a zombie? I didn’t think so. There was a recognition in his eyes as he glared at me.
There was no response on the walkie and that scared me more than seeing Randy naked. The silence unnerved me and now I was thrust into a new role. It was one that I had dreaded, but I had no choice except to take charge. No one knew that Randy was back. I had to alert them somehow. I went back to the patio doors but Randy was gone. Where the hell had he gone? Running back to the living room, I tripped over my own feet and went sprawling.
“Matt? What’s going on?” Audrey’s voice was a low, throaty growl that I always found sexy. If I hadn’t heard her voice, I would have stayed right there on the floor. I wasn’t a hero. What the hell was I supposed to do? I didn’t even know that Randy was a threat, but that head told me otherwise. Whose head was it? Did I really want to know? Hell no. All I knew was that normal people don’t carry around severed heads. That was some fucked up crazy shit.
“Go back in our room and lock the door.” I was right all along, but now was not the time to gloat. I needed a plan. I needed to alert the others but I was too scared to move.
“Not until you tell me what’s going on!”
“It’s Randy. Something’s wrong with him, I have to warn the others,” I replied lamely. I stood there, rooted to my spot on the floor. It was Audrey that broke the paralysis with a kiss. I wanted to tell her that I was right, that I had been all along, but now was not the time.
I kissed her and walked toward the front door. This was the last thing I wanted to do. So many things went through my mind. What if he had been bitten? Did I really need to warn the others? Everything I needed was right there in that apartment. There was no reason to leave. If I was smarter, I would have left the others to fend for themselves. Who cared if they were in danger? Sadly, I did. They had welcomed Audrey and I into their clique and I couldn’t just allow something bad to happen to them. This was my chance to be a hero. As scared as I was, I couldn’t back down.
Outside, I couldn’t see Randy anywhere, but there was a smell that I had smelled many months ago. It was the smell of blood. There were small, dime sized drops on the sidewalk and then a larger pool of it outside of Ashley’s door. The door itself was cracked open, giving me just a glimpse of the living room. Throughout the room were smaller drops that led to the kitchen. I can’t go in there! It was too late. I was already in.
I could see Sheila’s legs poking out from beside the kitchen cabinet. Inching closer, I could see that there was more blood splashed on the walls. A bloody handprint had been placed on the refrigerator to show that someone had been here and they weren’t there for tea. I had never seen so much blood. It was in the sink and on the counter in red streaks and swirls. I knelt down to check on her, knowing that she was dead. There was too much blood. I doubted she had survived this.
A scream welled up in my throat as I gazed at her body. She was still clothed but there were deep gouges in her skin. Teeth marks. Whoever had done this had bitten her but there were pieces of skin next to her that someone had spat out. It wasn’t just someone, it was Randy. I was sure of it. Her head had been severed which meant that the head puppet he had, once belonged to Sheila. I backed up quickly but I didn’t want to check on the others. I just wanted to be as far away from this place as possible.
I could grab Audrey and we could be gone. Leave without a glance backward. I hadn’t signed on for any of this. I could hear voices outside the open apartment door. It was a low mumbled nonsense with snatches of prayer thrown in. I watched as Randy shuffled past me, still stroking Sheila’s head. “I tried to keep you safe, but I couldn’t. I’m so sorry.” He lifted the head up and began to kiss it. He began sobbing loudly as he walked on.
I needed to check on the others, but how? Randy was heading the way I needed to go and I knew if he spotted me, there would be no way I could fight him. His mental state had deteriorated to the point that he was chasing ghosts. I could hear him babbling to the head and I felt a cold chill run down my spine. “They were all infected. I had to kill them, baby. All dead, all dead.”
Audrey! I snuck out the door and headed back to our apartment, praying that she had locked the door as soon as I left, but my heart broke as I saw that the door was open. “Audrey?” I walked slowly inside, fearing the worst. I called for her again, hoping that she was hidden somewhere. Why didn’t she lock the door? There were bloody foot prints in the living room. I tracked them toward the hallway and then they stopped outside of our bedroom.
I didn’t want to follow them but I had no choice. As I walked, it felt as if my legs had been filled with lead. The only sounds were my heavy breathing and a low, soft mewling that came from me. She’s fine, I wanted to believe that she was, but there were blood splatters on the door and as it swung open, I sank to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably. No! Why did I have to leave her? I should have taken her with me.
She was lying face down on the bed. The once white sheets were now stained with gore. Blood had splashed onto the walls, making it look as if someone had opened a can of red paint and just thrown it onto the walls. I reached out and turned her over slowly, not wanting to know the truth. Something else was guiding me at that point. I didn’t want to see, but I was being forced to. I had left her alone so this was all my fault. I had caused this so now I had to take the receipt. I was sobbing uncontrollably as I stroked her bloody cheek. Her eyes had been popped out like olives and her stomach had been cut open, revealing bits and pieces of her organs.
I can’t tell you how long I stood there, stroking her destroyed flesh, but it couldn’t have been long because I remember walking to my side of the bed and grabbing the Glock that I had brought from Ohio. I had only used it once but now I was about to use it again. I felt hollow as I walked outside to find Randy. There were pools of blood on the sidewalk and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I was the only survivor. It didn’t take me long to find him. He was standi
ng in the middle of the road, gazing at the sun. He was covered in blood and babbling softly to Sheila’s head.
“Turn around, motherfucker!” I raised the gun shakily and watched him carefully. I didn’t know if he had a weapon and I didn’t really care. The depths of my loss hadn’t fully been explored yet. I was more in shock than anything. This wasn’t supposed to have happened. It made no sense.
He slowly turned and dropped the head. He had a gun but he didn’t aim it at me. Instead he placed it against his temple and smiled at me. “I’m sorry, so, so sorry, but you see I had no choice! My wife was infected so I had to kill them. She would have infected them too. The funny thing is that I know that she’s dead. She comes to me in my dreams and whispers to me. She misses me and wants me to join her. I thought about how beautiful that place was,” The smile twisted into a frown. Blood dripped from his naked body. “Oh you should see it, but you will. All in good time. Now? The curse is on you. You get to feel exactly how I felt. The loss never goes away, Matt. It eats at you, and eats at you. I wanted you to suffer just like I did!” He pulled the trigger and I watched as his head exploded. Brains, and chunks of skull rained down onto the pavement. I screamed and sank to my knees.
His sightless eyes bore into mine accusingly. I was still alive and he was dead. Was that my punishment for being happy? We had talked about me finding my moment to be a hero, but that was all gone now. I thought for sure that I would slowly go insane. When I closed my eyes, all I could see was that moment when he pulled the trigger. Over and over again I could see it, spliced with images of Audrey’s mangled body. I was now alone and I was scared to death.
Chapter Twenty: Later
Time doesn’t really heal all wounds. It sounds great in theory but I don’t think I’ll ever truly heal. I sometimes sit up late at night and wonder if I’ll turn out like Randy. It’s been a long six months since it happened. That’s a long time to think and to reflect. What if I had never met Audrey? I can tell you that I wouldn’t have written any of this. Who wants to read the story of a coward who goes on random drug runs and lives his life avoiding people? Sounds exciting doesn’t it? Funny thing is, I raided a pharmacy and found all sorts of good shit. Helps out with the nightmares and the fear. I’m really trying to live without the Xanax but it makes me feel so good. I like that feeling. I need to feel good.
I should talk about the time after. I’ve thought about it in great detail. Randy, of course, is at the forefront of my thoughts and I want to hate him, and in a lot of ways I do. It’s easy to hate him because he took away my reason for living. Audrey saved me and showed me just how good I could be, but once she was gone, I would sit on the road with the gun pointed at my head. It would have been so easy. Just pull the trigger and the aching loss would be gone… hello darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.
The darkness enveloped me in a warm, loving hug. Wasn’t it Billy Squier who sang that song, In The Dark? It was, and that seems to sum up my entire life up to this moment. I was always trying to play it safe but there comes a point where you have to emerge into the light and give up all of your fears. You have to let go and trust someone.
In the dark, I was lost and blind. I wandered around for days without any direction. I had left the complex in a daze and wandered over to where the guards had once been housed. Randy had killed most of them but those that were left were in the process of moving toward the complex. “You’re too late. All dead.” I fell to the ground and cried until my stomach ached, but it only added to the hollowness I felt.
I was hoping that they would shoot me. This is all over the place but I have to zig zag around a little. Opens up the story and where I am and where I was after. You want a conclusion right? A happily ever after maybe? What if there isn’t one? Would that upset you? Life rarely has happy endings. The princess isn’t always rescued by Prince Charming. Sometimes the wicked step-sisters beat the shit out of her and leave her to die in an alley somewhere.
They managed to pull me into a house and just watched me as I slept. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t do anything. The shock of it all had settled in and that’s when the nightmares began. Funny thing about nightmares is that they seem real. I would wake up screaming, convinced that Randy was right beyond my field of vision, just waiting for me to wake up. It scared the hell out of the guards when I woke up screaming. At that point, there was only one person to protect so most of them moved on. The tragedy had been too much for them.
I became well enough to find out exactly what had happened. Some of the details are still sketchy but I can tell you what we came up with. Randy had slowly been losing his mind. While he appeared to be dealing with the loss of his family, all of that grief had still been inside of him. He was like a tea kettle slowly building up pressure. I think he began to resent us because we were all living and hadn’t really been touched by tragedy. Randy could have been still dreaming about his family and when he told me about seeing his wife and talking to her, he saw his chance to be with her. In the process, he took others with them. It made sense to him. This was a world that no one really needed to be a part of. The paradise he had been shown was far better than this world that had been destroyed by the dead.
His disappearance had been planned. He was just waiting for the right moment to attack. It was easier that way. How do you stop a threat when you don’t even know it exists? It was genius and cowardly at the same time. Even in his grief-stricken mind, he still thought he was doing the right thing. This was his noble cause. No one could stop him. That was the scariest part of all. He was a man on a mission, and he completed that mission. Here’s my final message to Randy. Fuck you.
I did slowly come out of my stupor. I was like a man who had been underwater for too long. My brain was fuzzy with grief. I had no course of action at that point. I just hopped into a car and went. I buried Audrey in the woods behind the complex as a final goodbye. I couldn’t just leave her in the apartment. I loved her and with each shovelful of dirt I felt the loss sink in. I would never hear her laugh; I would never feel her next to me as I slept. Life was unfair and cruel. She didn’t deserve this. None of them did.
There came a moment when the pain lessened. Unlike Randy, I had given myself time to grieve. I wept openly and often without caring about being seen. In my travels, there was no one to see me anyway and even if there were, so what? They didn’t matter. No one did. I was happy in my grief but it doesn’t last forever. We just think it does. It may come back in ebbs and flows but there comes a moment when it doesn’t suck to be alive. I never thought it would happen but it did. It took me by surprise.
I stayed in Florida despite my urge to leave. There were other places I could have gone, but in the end, I stayed. I was just too numb to go anywhere else. I did visit some of the tourist traps that are usually filled with screaming kids and weary adults. These empty buildings matched the way I felt inside. Dead, and empty. There were a few times I would sing It’s a Small World with a gun pointed at my temple. I didn’t have enough balls to pull the trigger though.
I had stumbled onto others that weren’t looking for a leader. They just wanted someone to talk to, someone that could try and make sense out of what had happened. How could they rebuild? They, of course, got me. Not a great consolation prize but they welcomed me in and I no longer had to be alone. I wasn’t good at being alone. Audrey taught me that and as I sit naked by the pool, I hope none of the others can see me. If they can, that’s okay too. It’s hot as fuck and I don’t care about modesty anymore.
It’s been a wild ride and I survived. I’m scarred and battered, but I here I am in the blistering sun of Florida. I have my stolen bottles of champagne and my piles of Xanax and I’m the king of the world. I even met a girl. She knows about Audrey and she has assured me that we’ll take things slow. She’ll never be as good as Audrey, but who knows? She could be. I’m going to place this on my desk and offer some advice before I wander back home to Ohio. Florida is almost like hell. Without the pe
ople and screaming kids, it’s hot as fuck and you feel your eyeballs boiling in your head.
The advice is this; just live. Be who you want, but don’t be afraid to take chances. You only have one life so live as much as you can. Fear will always exist but you can’t let it define you. I hope that whoever reads this finds some meaning behind it all. Some nugget of wisdom. Most of all, you have to understand that life is a journey, not a destination. We are all bound by destiny and sometimes that destiny comes as a woman, hell bent on dragging you out of your comfort zone. She will challenge you and piss you off, but you wouldn’t want her any other way.