by Michael Noe
“You don’t want to hear it,” I said softly. While he was being brave, I was hunkered down in my house, watching people die. Pretty simple really but it embarrassed me. My story was cowardly but in moments like that, you make a decision. You do what you think is right. It may not make sense to others, or even be brave, but it’s your story for a reason. You create it and then the hard part comes when you have to own it. It was embarrassing because I knew I could never be that brave. It’s okay to think that you could be, but deep down you know the truth and often times it’s ugly.
“I told you mine, now it’s only fair that you tell me yours.”
I stood there for a moment, not sure what to say or even how to begin. In the end, I wasn’t embarrassed, or ashamed because I was who I was. We’re all wired some kind of way, aren’t we? There are those who are destined to save the world while others prefer to watch it die. We can’t decide to be good or evil. It’s all predestined. If Randy wanted to label me a coward, so be it. I would be okay with that because that’s who I was. There was no changing it, nor was there an opportunity to turn back the hands of time and be the hero I always knew I could be.
If Randy wanted to judge me for my choices and my actions, there was nothing I could do to stop it. “I wasn’t married. Audrey is actually the first girlfriend I’ve had in maybe a year. There’ve been women mind you, but nothing serious,” I began slowly so I could gather my thoughts. If I was going to tell my story, I wanted to do it right. “When the shit hit, I watched it all from my living room window. I turned on my television and watched the world die. I could hear people screaming for help. They would beat on my door but I refused to let them in. I knew that once inside, they would try and get me to lead them, but the thing is that I was scared. I couldn’t be the hero because I was too selfish.”
“You just watched them die?” I should have felt some shame, but I was alive while others had died. That had to count for something. His question threw me off a little, made me feel as if he were judging me a little.
“Indeed, I did. Am I ashamed of it? No, I was doing what I had to do to stay alive. Does it make it better? Doesn’t really matter, does it? I’m sorry about your family, but in all honesty, I don’t think I could have done what you did.”
“You have Audrey now. You’d do anything to keep her safe, wouldn’t you?”
I told him about the guy I had encountered that wanted my truck and my girlfriend. It seemed like it happened a million years ago. The anger came rushing back as I recalled all of it. Randy just stood there, listening. When he spoke, his voice was low, and full of emotion. It was odd and I thought for a moment that he was going to cry. “You saved her. You realize, Matt, that whether you want to believe it or not, you’re a hero. If you had been selfish for even a second, neither of you would be here.”
I chuckled at that. It didn’t change anything. I was still a coward. What I couldn’t tell him was that at the first sign of trouble, I was grabbing Audrey and running like hell. “The problem is that I can never be like you.”
“Sure you could. All it takes is a tragedy,” Randy turned toward the road and began walking again. I followed, silently mulling over his words. Tragedy was all around us. You couldn’t escape it. The history of the entire universe was etched in tragedy. I felt for Randy. This was a man who had lost his family, but I couldn’t relate to him. No matter what I may have, or even face now, it doesn’t really compare to what he’s gone through.
Would a tragedy make me any braver? I don’t think tragedy quantifies bravery. Tragedy doesn’t make you a better person. Hell, it doesn’t even begin to define who you are. All you can do is try and survive. That’s where Randy was. He had made it his mission to save as many people as he could, but did it take away the loss? There was no way that it could. Even as we talked, you could still see that it affected him. It was in the way he spoke about them. I could also see that my decisions also affected him too. It could have been his wife and son that I watched get murdered. He wanted to believe that I would somehow make better decisions but I couldn’t guarantee that I would.
“I don’t know how you survived that,” I replied softly. “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost Audrey.”
“You love her.” It was more of a statement than a question.
It was more than that though. Audrey allowed me to be braver than I had been on my own. If it hadn’t been for Audrey, who knows where I’d be right now? You’d probably be reading more about my drug runs instead of my interactions with survivors and the misadventures I’ve found myself on. Everyone has that one person who completes them and makes the impossible possible. I loved Audrey and I needed her more than words could say. We all meet people and think that they’re the one, but I can tell you, sometimes that’s not the case. You can live your entire life without being in love at all but then you meet someone and everything falls into place. Your life changes without any warning at all. I could tell Randy that I loved Audrey but there was more to it than that. There were emotions involved that I had never felt before.
We made our way back to the complex in silence. I was emotionally drained and just wanted to take a nap. The sky darkened as we made our way back to the parking lot which didn’t help my mood. Audrey was on the back deck, reading a John Grisham novel. She smiled as I walked toward her and enveloped her in my arms. We stayed like that until Audrey pushed me away. “You okay?”
I nodded. I told her what Randy and I had talked about, but I didn’t add that I was now more determined than ever to keep her safe. I didn’t realize how difficult that was going to be. This was a different time. Every day, new dangers sprang up. There were other settlements, the prospect of zombies. The list was endless. Audrey would soon grow tired of me wanting to know where she was going every time she went out. I was being overprotective but I didn’t care. I didn’t want what happened to Randy to happen to me. There was no way I was going to survive.
“That’s awful. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”
I smiled and kissed her cheek. “You would do the same thing Randy did. You’d get over your grief, Audrey. You would live on and continue surviving.”
“You make it sound so easy. It’s not. The thought of losing you scares the hell out of me.”
It scared me too, but whether we like it or not, people leave, and sadly, people die. All we could do was just enjoy each moment we had. If we worried about losing the people we cared about, we would miss out on the things that mattered. There was a lesson to be learned in all of that, but I wouldn’t see it until much later. It always happens that way, doesn’t it? The things we should see never come into focus until much later. I became so comfortable with my situation that I never thought about what could happen. I never thought to look around the corner and see if anything was lurking.
That night, we all sat around doing what we always did. Things became normal and we all needed that. It was time for us all to just pick up the pieces and try and move forward. We still had nothing that connected us to the old world and that didn’t really matter to us. We were alive and that was reason enough to celebrate. There was always beer when the thoughts became too deep, so we drank often. Were we avoiding things? If you had asked me then, I would have said no, but now I can say that we were. There was a lot to avoid. We never thought of ourselves as a gang but we should have.
Chapter Eighteen: Changes
We had all fallen into a routine. I met up with the security guys and began running missions with them in the early afternoons. No one ever asked. I just wanted to see what was out there and who these guys were. They were protecting us so it made sense that I should at least get to know them a little. The guards came from all walks of life and some were ex-soldiers. I never asked them why they did what they did. They never asked me either. We never spoke much and just watched out for threats and survivors. We never saw anything but it didn’t mean that they weren’t out there. I would be naïve to think that there wasn’t anyone else out there. Au
drey and I had seen them.
For years, there was always the big alien debate. It was almost as big as whether or not God was real. Even now, I’m sure there are still people who think that out there somewhere are aliens, just waiting to swoop in for a visit. Why would they visit? Were we really that interesting? Look at what we accomplished! We fucked up big time and now we were like lost sheep looking for a master. If the aliens came down now, my hope would be that they would put us out of our misery. Now the big question was whether or not there were zombies out there, waiting to swoop in and kill us all. On our patrols, we saw evidence that people were there, but nothing told us that the undead had come in and destroyed everything we had created.
The silence was unnerving. It was even worse when you had a loaded gun in your hand. I wasn’t sure what I was looking for and no one ever told me. We would do our rounds and five hours later, someone would relieve us. All of the questions I had hoped to have answered never were. It was all a big mystery. No one knew why things happened the way they did. All we could do was live in the now. This was a future full of uncertainty but at least we were protected. These guys were there to save us but who was going to save us from ourselves?
It was depressing to see the decay of civilization. The grass had gotten out of control and had begun growing in the cracks on the sidewalk. Once upon a time, the big debate would be about lawn care and who had the best lawn in the neighborhood. There would be gardens in backyards while kids ran up and down suburban sidewalks, trying to make the most of their summers. I missed the smell of barbecues and the smell of chlorine. As I watched empty parking lots, I couldn’t help but feel saddened by all that had occurred.
After my shift, I would return to Audrey asking a million questions. She always wanted to know what had happened. What did I see? The answer was always the same. We didn’t see a damn thing. I sometimes wanted something to happen, just so there’d be a break in the monotony of it all. I guess what they say is true. Be careful what you wish for because you might just get it. It’s a stupid phrase but it’s true. I don’t know what the others wanted, but I wanted something to define us, something that would put everything in perspective. Why is that so important? I could never figure it out. It didn’t make any sense to me.
I’d noticed Randy had become more and more withdrawn. I wasn’t sure if it was the heat that was getting to him or something else entirely. Given what he had gone through, I was a little frightened both for him and by him. If I learned anything from people, it was that they were like dogs. You could never tell what a dog was thinking. It was that unpredictability that made them dangerous. Randy would talk to us but it was as if his mind was far away.
“Have you talked to Randy?” Audrey and I were in bed, enjoying a rare Saturday alone. We had both been volunteering so much that we were both exhausted. While I was out patrolling, she and the others would run supply trips. Those were dangerous as well due to their unpredictability. There was a possibility that someone out there with an itchy trigger finger was lying in wait for someone to encroach on their slice of paradise.
“A little. Why?” She placed her head on my chest and for a moment, Randy didn’t matter. Our portable radio was playing Dwight Yoakam. It was an album that I would be unable to listen to for quite some time. It would bring back the way her body felt against mine, the subtle scent of her sweaty skin. I have more insight on how memories fuck with you. Some memories just hurt too damn bad to remember.
“I don’t know. Maybe it’s nothing.” I sighed loudly and stared at the ceiling. The fact was that I still didn’t trust the guy, so it was possible that I just wanted something to be wrong with him. Did I really want to be right that badly? Doesn’t every man? It’s how we’re wired. From birth, we have to be right about everything. If not, we get defensive and swear that the whole world’s out to get us. Sounds paranoid, doesn’t it?
“Obviously it is or you wouldn’t have said anything.”
I explained what I noticed and she of course put everything in perspective for me. Randy had lost his family. It had to still hurt. I tried to place myself in his shoes, but I couldn’t. It was too difficult. We’re all different. That’s the beauty of being a flesh and blood human being. We all react to things differently. Audrey listened without saying anything. “I know how you feel about him,” She began. “Is it possible that you want something to be wrong with him?”
“That’s crazy!” Was it though? I could see her point. I didn’t want to like him. I had seen him with Audrey and I knew that he was getting a little too close to her but what could I say? It would be a case of me being jealous and Randy had no interest in her. I had seen it before. A guy is like a hawk, if he has an interest in your girl, he’d swoop in and take her. I wasn’t wrong, but I couldn’t prove it. All I had were a few moments where I had caught him watching Audrey, but did it really mean anything? I didn’t know.
“From the moment you got here, you’ve had a problem with him. He lost his entire family. You’d be a little weird too if that happened to you.” She kissed my chest, signifying that the conversation was over. There was nothing else to say. I was just being a boy. Too emotional and too damn stubborn for my own good. Audrey, of course, was the girl who was logical and sensible. Women were the brains while guys just plowed through life with their dicks in their hands.
All I could do was observe. We were all a bit on edge due to the heat and the humidity. There was no escape from it. On top of that, we all felt as if we were the last people on earth, but what if we were wrong? Everyone is at some point. It’s just how things work out. Life is all full of disappointments. Forgotten birthdays, lost promotions. I could go on and on, but the main thing is that we were all on edge. Was it normal? Given the situation and the circumstances, it was. We had to be. At that point, we were a gang. All for one and one for all. It’s naïve to imagine that we were all looking out for each other because I don’t think we were. In the beginning maybe, but as time wore on, we just got sick of each other. It was bound to happen, wasn’t it? It was all just a matter of time.
My respite came when I started observing Randy. It was also the reason why I had joined up with the security guys. It was a change of pace. I was away from the people that were slowly starting to grate on my nerves. I even thought about what Audrey had said about having a problem with him. Was that why I was suddenly so sure that something was wrong with him? It was possible, but I didn’t think so. Over the next few days, I just watched. I became obsessed. No one else was aware of it except for Audrey and that was only because I told her.
“You need to just stop. You sound crazy.”
“I’m telling you Audrey, something’s wrong with him. Maybe he just snapped!” I felt like an asshole. I sounded like some jealous asshole. There didn’t even need to be jealous added. Asshole worked just fine. Audrey glared at me and this was the moment where we would have a fight.
“Are you even listening to yourself? This has got to stop, Matt. You know I love you, but you’re obsessing over something no one else can see!”
I was the only one that could and it was frustrating. No one else mentioned that Randy was different. No one even noticed that he was becoming more and more withdrawn, or that he wasn’t the jovial chap he had once been. What bothered me was that I had always prided myself on being an impeccable judge of character. It was a part of what I did, but suddenly I had it all wrong. I wasn’t an irrational person. I had to keep all personal feelings aside and stop watching him. Audrey was right. I was going to drive myself crazy. Then Randy disappeared.
Chapter Nineteen: This Is Not a Love Song
We spent three days looking for Randy. No one had even seen him leave which was crazy. Everyone noticed when someone left the complex, so for him to just slip away the way he did must have taken some planning. The only time he could have left undetected was at night while everyone was asleep. They hadn’t seen him slip away. Did someone take him? Was he eaten by zombies? Looking for clues proved unsuc
cessful because there were none. This was a man who wanted to vanish without anyone knowing about it.
How long had he planned it? At one point, do you grow tired of being around other people and just vanish into the night? It didn’t make any sense unless there was something wrong with him. Was he sick? The more we speculated, the more worried we became. I tried to talk to Audrey but she wouldn’t listen to me.
“I don’t want to hear any more of your paranoid bullshit.”
I laughed at that because if anything, it didn’t seem so paranoid anymore. I was hoping that someone would listen to me but we were all swept up with the search parties. “What if it isn’t? You don’t find it odd that after all the shit I’ve been saying, he just disappears?”
We had a group meeting and while everyone was concerned, they could almost see why he disappeared. We had made him the leader without even asking, and forget my paranoid bullshit because Audrey made damn sure that none of it left our apartment. After the meeting, we began arguing and now she was telling me that I was the one that was crazy!
All we could come up with was to keep looking for him, but after a week, we were all afraid that he was dead. There were unspoken variables that were throwing around in our heads. It was Audrey who wanted to search more, but at that moment it was growing too dark. We didn’t need another missing person. When we got back to our apartment, I tried to bring up his odd behavior but she wasn’t having it.