To Know Me (The Complete Series, Books 1-4)

by Marcy Blesy

  I look in the mirror. My makeup isn’t just running off my face. It’s on my neck, too. I look like the Bride of Frankenstein, and the only salvage I have in my purse is lipstick. I blot away the black streaks that I applied extra thick earlier in the evening and untangle my hair with my fingers. It will have to do. I wish I could say I’ve learned something new about myself, but I’d be lying. I know what’s wrong with me. I don’t know how to fix it.

  It’s late when I pull Ty’s BMW back into the parking lot at The Woodson Center, careful not to park too close to anyone who would dare to scrape the expensive paint. A lot of cars are gone, though. I guess the older the guests, the sooner the party ends. I hope Ty isn’t still mad at me.

  I do my best to smooth out the wrinkles in my dress, push my shoulders back, take a deep breath, and enter the hall. The tables have been cleared of the place settings, though the bar must still be open as glasses with varying amounts of liquid dot the countless tables. Chairs are scattered about, turned to face guests at other tables. The music still plays, though the dance floor is nearly empty. Ty isn’t at Patsy and his parents’ table. I don’t even see her. Mr. and Mrs. Barber are still thanking guests who are leaving. I look back to the dance floor. There is a group of young people dancing that I hadn’t even noticed earlier. I look closer. My heart sinks. It’s the wait staff. Of course, Mrs. Barber would have told them to enjoy themselves, too. That’s just the way she is. Sure enough, Jess, who has removed her black wait jacket and is now wearing only a very tight, very buttoned-down white shirt with her black skirt, is shaking her blonde ponytail all around. And dancing near her, with his own smooth moves in full force, is Ty. Self-fulfilling prophecy. Check.

  Chapter 7:

  If I were holding a glass, it would have shattered. With Ty’s keys in hand, I walk toward the parking lot. I turn the key in the ignition. I drive. I have to go to Ty’s house to get my stuff. “Quit running, Mae. Stop. Face your fears.” All of those thoughts replay themselves in my mind. I try to make them stop, but they don’t.

  “Leave me alone!” I scream to no one. “Leave me alone!” I don’t deserve to be happy. I only hurt those that I love. I don’t know how to be strong. I pull into Ty’s driveway. Fumbling with his keychain I find the key to his house. Thankful Ty’s alarm system is broken, I slip in and upstairs to the guest room, where I’d hoped Ty would come to tuck me in and hold me tight until we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

  My phone dings. I read the text.

  We still on for tomorrow night? Who the hell is…? Matt. Oh. Meet me at the Andersonville Library at 7:00.

  Can’t, I type back.

  If you say so. Whatever.

  WHERE ARE U? It’s Ty now.

  I’m going home. Your car is safe. Get a ride. Tell your parents I’m sorry.

  What the hell, Mae?

  Goodbye.

  I try to be as quiet as I can when I arrive back in Andersonville. It’s after midnight. Mom would freak if she knew I was driving at this hour by myself. I don’t feel like talking, either. I just want to go to bed. Tomorrow is a new day. Plenty of time for interrogations then.

  The doorbell wakes me. I look at the clock. It’s only 7:00 am. Who rings the doorbell at 7:00 am? I throw a pillow over my head and will myself back to sleep.

  “Mae? Mae?” It’s Mom. “You have some explaining to do. You’ll start with telling me when you got home and why you came home in the middle of the night, but clearly someone else needs those answers more than me right now.” Her hands are on her hips, and she’s shaking her head in disappointment. I know all of this despite the fact that my head is still buried under my pillow.

  “Tell him to go away.”

  “Ah, you do know who’s here. It must be awfully important for him to drive all the way out here this early in the morning. Show some respect, Mae.” I throw the pillow off my head and in the direction of my mom. I don’t mean to, but I’m so tired of other people and their expectations of my behavior.

  “Fine. Fine!”

  “Don’t yell at me, Mae.” She turns and leaves. I feel even worse than I did the night before when I saw Ty dancing with Jess. Now I’ve gone and hurt the one person who has supported me no matter my stupid, hurtful decisions. I sit on the edge of my bed and see my reflection in the mirror. I run my hand through my hair, trying to pull out the knots. My eyes are puffy. My mouth feels like it’s coated with cotton balls. I change into sweatpants and my Woodson Prep hoodie. I pull my hair into a loose pony tail and use a wet wipe to wash my face. After popping a piece of gum in my mouth, I open my door to face the wrath of Ty.

  He’s waiting in the four season room in the back of the house. Mom has turned on the space heater. Despite the closed windows, it’s a chilly fall morning.

  “Why are you here?” I ask.

  “Look, I am heading back to school today and won’t be home until Christmas break. I don’t want to go back with things being the way they are right now.” I don’t say anything. “What happened last night, Mae? One minute you’re taking Carmen home. The next I get a text that you’re leaving.” I run through the events of last night in my head. Nothing sounds right. My thoughts don’t formulate into sentences that make sense. Rather than duck and hide, I just say it.

  “I came back.”

  “What?”

  “I took Carmen home. Then I went to my old apartment. I…I needed to remember. Anyway, I was already unhappy, and then I came back to find you and…and I saw you…”

  “You saw me what, Mae?”

  “Dancing with Jess.” I speak as a whisper, hating to say her name aloud.

  “You are so stupid sometimes!”

  “I saw what I saw.”

  “Do you have any idea how worried I was about you?”

  “Well, you sure didn’t show it.”

  “I was waiting to text you because I didn’t want you to look down at your phone while you were driving. Jess dragged me out on the dance floor, in a group of people. I didn’t feel like I should be an asshole to her just because of your suspicions. She didn’t do anything. You were wrong about her. Then I got your text. Believe me, any thought of dancing or doing anything fun, for that matter, was gone. All I wanted to do was help my parents clean up and get home. I was out the door to come here last night when Dad demanded that I wait until morning. They don’t understand, either. How could you do this to them?”

  “Do this to them? Are you blind, Ty? You’re the one that let another girl paw all over you at their party.”

  “Mae, you never used to be jealous. What happened?” I scrunch my knees up to my chest and knock my head against them.

  “I don’t know.” And that’s the truth. I don’t know why I doubt and question like never before. It’s like I’m replacing one fear—that of killing everyone I know, with another—being hurt by everyone I know. Ty sits next to me. He grabs hold of both of my wrists, loosening my grasp around my knees. He pulls me in close, my head now buried inside his jacket.

  “Then stop. Let me love you, because I do.”

  “Why?”

  “Seriously?” He looks at me as I look up into his eyes.

  “You’re beautiful. You’re caring. You’re not like the other girls, Mae. You’ve lived life, seen things others haven’t, and that gives you an appreciation for the important things that superficial nineteen-year-old girls don’t have. And you usually are fun to hang out with.”

  “Ty, I’m an idiot.”

  “Well, I’m not going to argue that fact,” he laughs.

  “I went crazy when I saw you with her.”

  “I wasn’t with her.”

  “I guess I understand that now.”

  “It was easier when you didn’t know my life as Macy.”

  “How so?”

  “I was stronger. I was Mae. I had a different life, as far as you knew. I could be anything I wanted to be.”

  “You still can.”

  “No, I can’t. The real me is weak.”


  “The real you has been through more hell that most people will in a lifetime. You are anything but weak. Though your reasoning for running away from home was foolish, your intent was good. You were protecting your mom and your friends, in your mind. And you lived on your own in lots of different places. You went to school. You survived. You survived well.”

  “I love you so much.” Ty kisses me before I can say another word. He doesn’t stop at my mouth. He kisses my neck and behind my ears. My heart races. I run my hands under his jacket and pull myself as close to him as possible in the near presence of my mom.

  “I wish I could stay.”

  “Can’t you?”

  “No. I have to get back. I’ve got a six hour drive now.” He looks at me with arched eyebrows reminding me that I am the reason he has to drive an extra hour out of his way to get back to school. I wish I was back at his house, Ty sneaking out of my guestroom before his parent’s woke up. I really screwed things up. Again.

  “Do your parents hate me?”

  “No. They don’t know why you left, but they accept that my goofy girlfriend is worth their son leaving early for.” I shake my head no. “Promise me something, Mae.”

  “Anything,” I say.

  “Don’t stop counseling.”

  “I won’t.”

  “And tell your counselor about your desire to self-sabotage all the good relationships in your life.”

  “Hmm…” I kiss Ty again and promise to myself that I’ll keep trying, for everyone I’ve ever hurt. I’ll make something good from my life.

  After Mom’s pancakes and another goodbye outside the front door, Ty is gone. It’s only six weeks until Christmas break. It will fly by. It has to.

  Chapter 8:

  I’m actually glad to have a religion exam to study for. I need a distraction. It’s after I’ve been studying for an hour that I realize I need help. The who, what, when, and where of the various world religions is swirling around in my head. Plus, I realize I’m missing the chart the professor passed out last week that helps make sense of it all. I am out the door and heading to the Andersonville Library before I change my mind. I’m not doing anything wrong, just studying with a friend. What’s the harm? And a friend that doesn’t know my baggage is even better. Ty’s right. I am strong—when I can hide from my past.

  I hold my jacket closer as I walk up the steps of the Andersonville Public Library. I have no idea where Matt is studying in the three-story building. I tell myself that I’ll find a cozy corner to study in alone if I can’t locate him.

  But I needn’t be concerned. I see his football player-like shoulders hunched over a desk in the corner of the main floor.

  “Hey!” I say from behind. He jumps and hits his head on the desk cubicle that absorbs the width of his body. “Oh, sorry!”

  “Whatever,” he says when he sees me, his face breaking into a huge smile, putting the pearly whites on full display. “You decided to come.”

  “Actually, I lost my comparison chart.”

  “So, you’re using me?” he asks.

  “I…I…”

  “No problem. I like to be used.” I think I can feel my cheeks getting warmer. “Plus, I need your notes from Friday.” I hand them to him.

  “Do you mind if I take a look at your chart?”

  “Sure.” He pulls out another chair. I sit down. He hands me the chart I’d lost that identifies the differences in the world religions. I start taking my own notes. “You look pretty serious,” he says.

  “I need to do well on this test.”

  “Why”

  “Why? Because I want a good job. Because I want to make money with this good job. And in order to get said job, I need to transfer. I’m going to the University of Michigan next year, so I need the grades.”

  “Why Michigan? There’s University of Illinois or Illinois State or countless other schools closer.”

  “My boyfriend goes to U of M.”

  “Oh, that’s right. Boyfriend.” I turn back to my task at hand. I feel like I’m being rude, though, because I am kind of using him. I set my pen down.

  “What about you, Matt? You have plans after Andersonville Community College?”

  “I’ll finish two years here. I need to find a job now, though. I’d like to save up as much money as I can. Then I’m heading to the army.”

  “Wow! The army? That’s pretty noble.”

  “Why, thank you. That’s my real motive, you know, trying to get girls to think I am noble.” I laugh. I can’t help it. He’s got this look on his face that conjures up memories of my childhood teddy bear Louie. Sweet and charming in a but I’m really tough kind of way. Louie got me through many tough nights, long after I was done being a kid. I imagine Matt’s been a shoulder to cry on for many a girl.

  “What do your parents think about your joining the army?”

  “They’re excited. My dad made a career out of the army. He understands, but my girlfriend’s another story. She’s not thrilled,” he says. I don’t know why I’m surprised that he has a girlfriend, maybe because he is rather charming. I don’t think I’d like Ty to be this charming.

  “Well, I understand, but she has to be proud of you, right?”

  “I suppose so.” He turns back over his book and reads through his notes.

  “Want to quiz each other?” I ask. “I’m almost done with the chart.”

  “World religions, here I come. Bring it, girl.” Matt and I study for another half hour before I look at my phone and realize how late it’s getting.

  “See you in class tomorrow. Thanks for the notes,” I say.

  “Yeah, no problem. We’ll have to do this again.”

  “Sure. And stop by Stewart’s Steakhouse. We’re hiring a line cook. It doesn’t pay a lot, but you said you wanted a job to save up some money. The boss is laid back.”

  “Thanks, Mae, I really appreciate the lead. I’ll stop in this week.”

  “Great. Ask for Garry. Tell him you know me.”

  I send Ty a text as soon as I’m home.

  Me: Going to ace my religion exam. U of M here I come.

  Ty: Cool.

  I try really hard to not make anything of the short text. I try really hard.

  Chapter 9:

  The weeks until Christmas break are passing by smoothly. I attend counseling sessions once a week with Dr. Rivers. He’s a pretty straight shooter. He lets me talk, but if he feels I’m getting off-track, he tells me. Like when I told him I didn’t feel sad as much anymore and maybe I could take a break from counseling, and he asked me to tell him the last time I’d cried, and I’d told him that I’d watched a Hallmark movie the other night about this family that was having to make it on their own after the dad died, and he’d raised his eyebrows as if to say, See? And I’d tried to argue that everyone cries during Hallmark movies. But he was right. I am not as strong as I want to believe. And if truth be told, I sometimes have trouble getting out of bed. I guess some would call it depression. I call it my thinking time. I run through times in my head when my family was complete, before a sick twist of fate ripped it up like an F-5 tornado, throwing the remnants of my home over hundreds of miles. But having a routine helps. I am faithful about attending class. I usually take my running shoes in my backpack so I can run through the park that sits in the middle of campus during lunch. Running in forty degree weather isn’t for everyone, but to me it’s revitalizing. Then there’s work. I only waitress a couple of nights a week, but it’s good to stay busy. Matt got that job at the restaurant. He’s a cook in the kitchen. We’ve closed the restaurant a couple of times together. All the girls love him, that whole charming thing. His girlfriend’s got to be pretty strong to put up with that. Of course, when you’re just friends and not dating him, he’s a whole lot of fun to be around. Ty will be home before I know it, too.

  All I have to do is get through final exams this next week. Then I’ll get to see Ty when he comes home after his exams, too. I’m getting together with a group from my b
iology class to study tomorrow afternoon, and Matt wants to review for our religion exam tonight. Since I did so well on the exam we reviewed for together several weeks ago, I think I’m making a wise investment in my time.

  Sarah is home from college already. Lucky girl. She’s kicking it off with a party at her parents’ house that’s sure to prove grand since they’re still in New York on a middle school trip with her little brother. I know she’ll be a pain in my ass unless I stop by later. Considering she was one of the people I left Andersonville for in order to protect, we have sure been on different paths since college started. The good thing about our friendship, though, is that we can pick up just like old times without skipping a beat.