To Know Me (The Complete Series, Books 1-4)

by Marcy Blesy

  My phone rings through my Bluetooth in the car.

  “Hey, Matt,” I say.

  “Hi, Mae. How’s the shopping going?”

  “Uh, great,” I say. “Mom is having a real hard time picking out her couch.”

  “So you might be awhile still?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “I got tickets to a Bulls game and wondered if you’d like to go into the city with me.”

  “Really? That’s an awesome score. I’d love to, but I don’t know how long this is going to take, and Mom said something about going out for dinner later.”

  “Sure, no problem. I’ll ask one of my friends. That makes a little more sense anyway.”

  “Hey! I know about basketball.”

  “Really? Name two current Bulls players.” He’s got me. I can’t lie well about anything today.

  “Does Michael Jordan count because once a Chicago Bull always a Chicago Bull?”

  “Yeah…no. Say hello to your mom for me.”

  “I will, Matt. Thanks.”

  “See you tomorrow?”

  “I’ll try.” I can hear Matt sighing as he hangs up the phone. It’s not that I don’t want to see Matt tomorrow. It’s not that I don’t want him to be my boyfriend. There’s just this unnerving part of my psyche that doesn’t want to close that gap between friend and lover again. Every chip out of my broken heart leaves me less room for new love to worm its way in.

  Right now I have some unfinished business to attend to. Carmen’s been my Ty spy. That’s even what I call her. They’re still friends, though she gave him the major silent treatment after that run-in he had with me on New Year’s Eve when I confronted him about Jess. Carmen isn’t one to hold grudges, though, so, unlike me, she responds to his texts, and he responds to hers. That’s how I know he’s home on Spring Break and working out at the YMCA where he taught swimming lessons last summer. Then he’s meeting a friend for dinner. I hope that friend isn’t female or named Jess, but does it really matter anyway? I’m going to tell him what I need to say and leave.

  My palms are sweating on the steering wheel as I pull into the parking lot of the YMCA. There aren’t a lot of cars in the middle of the afternoon, probably some moms taking yoga class, but Ty’s BMW is still here. I wipe my palms on the front of my jeans and pull off my jacket. It’s an unusually warm day for March. Even with a short sleeve shirt on, I don’t feel chilly at all. I tighten my ponytail, push my shoulders back and chest out, take a deep breath, and march into the building: a girl on a mission. I try to slip by the guy at the counter when he turns his back to file some papers, but he’s more observant than I think.

  “Miss, you need to sign in, and I need to see your pass.” He’s old enough to be my dad but looks a lot meaner.

  “I…I left my pass at home. Look, I’m just going to be a few minutes. I…I forgot something in the weight room.”

  “Really? What?”

  “My…phone.”

  “Hmm…” It’s at this very minute that my phone dings in my back pocket, Maroon 5 sings for One More Night. Mr. Mean Dad raises his eyebrows at me.

  “Look. I drove a long way to talk to someone. I won’t be here long. Can you cut me a break?”

  “You need to buy a pass.”

  “Fine. How much?”

  “Twenty.”

  “Twenty dollars?” He doesn’t budge. I give up and rummage through my purse for a twenty dollar bill. I’m about to drop it on the counter in a fit of rage and defeat when I hear my name.

  “Mae?” I snatch back the money and turn around.

  “Ty?”

  “Is there a problem, Mr. Barber?” says Mr. Mean Dad.

  “No, Butch, it’s all good. Real good. Thanks.” Ty grabs my hand and leads me down a hallway, past the NO entry without a pass sign and into a private conference room near the back of the building. It’s not until we’re in the room and he closes the door that I realize he’s still holding my hand. I shake it away, pull out a chair, and sit down. He smiles and runs his hand through his overgrown but still so sexy blonde hair. The sweat dripping from the tips of his hair only adds to his appeal. I focus on my purpose. “Are you going to tell me why you’re here?”

  “Yes,” I say, taking a deep breath. Ty’s wearing a naughty smile like the one he displayed on that first day I met him at Woodson Prep and he was assigned to give me a tour. “Don’t look at me like that.”

  “I don’t know what you mean,” he says smiling.

  “Yes, you do.”

  “Look, Mae. I’m sorry. I can’t help it. You look hot. I’ve missed you a lot.”

  “Then you should have thought of that before cheating on me.”

  “Whoa, hold on there. I never cheated on you.”

  “I caught you with Jess, Ty. Don’t make me replay that night.”

  “You didn’t catch me doing anything wrong. I distinctly remember you telling me to have a nice life. That meant without me. That’s what I was doing on New Year’s, but I never cheated on you.”

  “You’re still an asshole. This was a mistake.” I stand up and start for the door, but just as I’m reaching for the handle, the wheels from the rolling conference chair get tripped up with my feet, and I go falling toward the door headfirst. Ty’s arm is around my waist from behind. He’s pulling me toward his body and away from a potential goose egg on the head.

  “Mae, stop.” He turns me around to face him. I’m so close his breath warms my cheeks.

  “Let go,” I whisper. He doesn’t. He lowers his head until his lips match mine in a soft, slow kiss. How dare he? “Let go!” This time I scream and push him off me. He releases his grip on my waist.

  “You know you want me, too. It’s written all over your face. Come on, Mae. For old times’ sake? And maybe for more?”

  “Not for old times’ sake. Not for more. Not now. Not ever!”

  “Then tell me why you’re here.” He moves away from the door and crosses his chest with his arms. I open my purse and pull out the letter I needed to show Ty. I hand it to him. He takes the letter and reads it.

  “Wow. Congrats, Mae. You got in. That’s awesome. I knew you could do it.” What? Awesome? He’s supposed to be shocked. He’s supposed to be angry or remorseful or…I don’t know. He’s not supposed to be happy! “Maybe you’re here to give me a second shot after all.” The naughty smile crosses his lips again. I hate him so much, but he’s so hot. And irresistible. And…ugh.

  “No second chances. I’ve moved on, Ty. So have you. I just wanted you to know that I’m…that I’m not stupid. I can make my own decisions and stand on my own.” This time I am leaving no matter how hard he tries to block my path. He doesn’t move from his position near the head of the table, though.

  “Mae, wait. Please. Give me thirty seconds.” I look at my phone and set the timer.

  “Time starts now.”

  “I never thought you were stupid. Never. I promise. I’m nothing but proud of you. You have to believe me.” He touches my cheek, making me flinch away. The timer beeps.

  “Okay, fine,” I say, opening the door.

  “And I haven’t moved on!” I hear it as I walk out of the room. He’s standing in the doorway now. I imagine he’s watching me walk away, memorizing my every step. Could it be that a part of Ty Barber actually misses me and regrets the way he treated me? Why do I even care?

  Chapter 2:

  When I get home I find a note from Mom on the counter.

  Macy,

  I didn’t know if you’d be home for dinner or not. There’s leftover lasagna in the fridge. I’ll be home by 10:00.

  Love,

  Mom

  I hope she’s not with Greg. I don’t know why I hate him so much seeing as I’ve never even met the guy. But he’s not Dad. No one could live up to Dad in my mind, ever. I pull out my phone to check my messages. Matt has sent a picture of himself and Benny the Bull from the United Center. There are not many people who could make Matt look small, but standing next to the
Bulls mascot, he looks normal-sized. I am suddenly missing those teddy bear, muscular arms very much. I am so stupid. Why did I feel like I needed Ty to know I had been accepted to U of M? It’s Matt’s feelings that should matter, and how is he going to feel when I tell him? I throw on a red hoodie, take down my ponytail, and change from jeans into my form-fitting black leggings that I know Matt likes. Then I scribble Mom a note.

  Mom,

  I hope you had fun at dinner. I am going to Matt’s. I’ll try not to wake you when I come in. No worries.

  Love,

  Macy

  There are so many new people in my life now that I rarely get called by my real name anymore. Dad would be so proud to know that his nickname for me, Mae, has stuck.

  The radio tells me that the Bulls game is over with their thumping of the Miami Heat 107-99. Hopefully Matt doesn’t stay in the city and party too long with his friend because I really want to see him. Since Matt is prone to losing his keys, he keeps a spare in his mailbox in the lobby of his apartment building. He had me get his mail once when he went home to Iowa for the weekend to see his parents. I turn the combination to Matt’s mailbox and remove his apartment key to let myself in. To my surprise, the apartment is modestly clean. Perhaps I am rubbing off on him. No pizza boxes or empty pop cans litter the coffee table. Even the video games are put in their proper place. I check my phone: 11:00. I strip off my hoodie and examine myself in the mirror in Matt’s bedroom. My long brown hair falls over my shoulders and covers the front of my white form-fitting t-shirt that stretches over my leggings. There’s little left to the imagination as my black bra pushes my breasts over the top of my scoop-neck shirt. Matt’s wanted more from me than I’ve been willing to give. Tonight he’s going to get what he wants. Damn Ty Barber. I’ve got to get that guy out of my head. I turn off all of the lights and crawl into Matt’s bed.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep when I hear shouting coming from somewhere in the apartment.

  “I’m armed! I don’t know who the hell you are, but you’ve got exactly one minute before the cops get here!” The light burns my eyes as it flicks on overhead.

  “Mae? What the hell?”

  “Uh, hi,” I say. “Can you turn the light off, please?”

  “You scared me to death. Do you know I have my finger over the call button to 911? What are you doing?” He’s breathing heavy and truly frightened. It’s so cute. I’m not used to seeing him out of control.

  “You are so hot when you’re mad,” I say. I can see the expression on his face from the glow of the hallway light. He doesn’t know what to do.

  “I…I’m…You….”

  “Come here.” I reach out for his hand. He takes it, and I pull him onto the bed with me. I roll on top and kiss him before he has a chance to string together an intelligible sentence. “I wanted to surprise you,” I say.

  “You accomplished your goal,” he says. He rolls me back over and straddles my body, gently lowering himself on top of me and kissing my lips. He lightly moves his hands and lips around my body. My breathing accelerates. “Are you sure?” he asks, stopping before moving further.

  “I am,” I say. “Seeing Ty made me realize how…” Why do I talk? Why can’t I keep my thoughts still? Matt is rolling off me faster than a truck down a mountain hill.

  “This is about Ty?” he asks.

  “No, no!” I sit up and try to pull Matt back to the bed. “This isn’t about Ty. I…look, I….”

  “You lied to me, Mae. You said you were going shopping with your mom. How many other times were you off messing with Ty?”

  “I wasn’t messing with Ty. I haven’t talked to Ty since New Year’s Eve. I promise. You have to believe me.”

  “Why should I?”

  “Because it’s the truth.”

  “Then why see him today?” Matt flicks on the bedroom light again. My eyes blink open and shut in reaction.

  “I needed him to know something.”

  “Go on,” he says. I don’t want to, though. Matt doesn’t even know I applied to U of M. I should have told him. He should have been the first person I told. Matt will see straight through my lies, so I tell the truth.

  “I told him I’d been accepted to U of M.”

  “Dammit, Mae. Why did you lead me on these last two months if you knew you were going to leave after this semester and go back to Ty?”

  “I didn’t lead you on. Honest! I’m not leaving you for Ty. I’m not even leaving. At least, I don’t think I am. I just—”

  “You just what? You wanted your ex-boyfriend to come groveling back and beg for your forgiveness and tell you how glad he is that you guys can be together now? Is that what you want?” I’ve never seen Matt so angry. It scares me. I follow him into the living room as he turns on more lights.

  “No. That is not what I wanted. I wanted him…oh, it sounds so stupid now, but I wanted to throw it in his face that I’d been accepted into U of M, that I was smart enough to get in, and deserving enough and—”

  “Yeah, I get it. You were seeking his approval. Did you ever stop and think that maybe it’s not his approval that matters anymore?” He hands my hoodie to me. “Take this and go.”

  “Matt, wait. Please. I wanted this night to be special. I wanted this night to be—”

  “I don’t want to sleep with you Mae because it’s something to do. I may be charming, but I won’t do that unless I have real feelings for the girl, and the feelings are reciprocated. Clearly that’s not the case here. Now go.” He points to the door. I don’t want to leave. I’ve gone and screwed everything up again.

  “Please, Matt,” I beg.

  “Go.” I have no choice. I take my hoodie and walk out to my car in the middle of the night. No matter how much he hates me, though, I know he’s watching me leave. Even while fueled by anger, he’s concerned for my safety. Why did I see Ty? The past is over. What’s so wrong with me that I can’t embrace the present? Ever.

  Chapter 3:

  Dr. Rivers has been nice enough to change his schedule around to get me in every day this week. I guess when you’ve got a patient bawling on the phone and begging for help, it’s hard to turn her down. I’d cut my weekly therapy sessions down to twice a month, but clearly, that was a mistake. He’s making me read books about self-worth and confidence and moving on from the past, and I’ve had plenty of time to read since Matt hasn’t talked to me in a week.

  I didn’t realize how much I cared about Matt until the communication stopped. Even at work, he ignores me. Garry, our boss, keeps muttering under his breath. I knew relationships at work were bad news, but does anyone listen to me? No one ever listens to me. Never. Tonight Matt and I are closing the restaurant together. I’m not leaving until he gives me a chance to explain.

  I stand in front of my closet trying to find the sexiest uniform shirt to wear. I don’t understand why we have to wear white which is nearly impossible to keep clean. I choose a collared button down ¾ sleeve shirt. Garry will be gone before that extra button pops open. I hope Matt will notice. I need something to get him to look at me long enough to corner him into listening to me beg for his forgiveness. I hear the doorbell ring. I assume Mom is answering the door, but when it rings again I know she’s stepped out. Her social life is better than mine.

  When I open the door, I’m staring at Ty. He’s holding a large box in one hand and a yellow rose in the other. I’m speechless.

  “Can I come in?” he asks.

  “Ty, I have to get to work.”

  “Don’t you have a few minutes? I came all the way out here to surprise you, and I know you love yellow roses.” He puts the rose in my hand. I’m drawn back to our day in the park when he surprised me with a picnic complete with a yellow rose. Of course, he didn’t know at the time how every student in my sister Laura’s sixth grade class had brought a yellow rose to her funeral. But he knows now. He knows what he is doing to me, and I hate him even more for it.

  “Is this supposed to be funny?”


  “No, I swear.” He puts his hand on the door to keep me from slamming it shut. “I thought you’d remember our picnic in the park. That’s all. We had some really good times, Mae. I just want you to remember.”

  “I don’t need to remember the past, Ty. I think you made it clear that I needed to stop living in the past.”

  “I don’t want you to forget our past, now that we have a chance to be together in the future. Look, here….I have something else for you.” I take the long box from his hand but drop the rose. He picks it up. I open the box only because I know he won’t leave until I do. I look at the contents of the box, not sure how to react. It’s a University of Michigan sweatshirt.

  “Thanks.”

  “Mae, you don’t get it, do you?” I look up at him and shake my head no. “It’s a sweatshirt for your school. I want you to come to U of M. I want you there, the sooner the better. I miss you. I’ve thought a lot about us and…it’s not the same without you. I mean it.” I can’t believe what I am hearing. “I was a complete ass. I know that. I was pissed at Patsy for getting arrested for dealing drugs again. My mom and dad wanted to give her bail money, and we got into a huge fight over it. And you were bugging me about whether you should come to U of M or not. I couldn’t make any more decisions. It was too much pressure. I just snapped. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone but myself, so when Jess started coming around, it was easier to live in the moment. But I get it now, and life is not about the moments. It’s about the sum of those moments. Life is nothing if those moments aren’t really meaningful. Life is meaningful with you, Mae.” He reaches out and tucks the rose into my hair behind my ear. I do the only thing that makes sense at this moment. I slam the door in his face and lock it. Then I crumble to the floor and cry, exactly like the last time Ty was here the day after Christmas. Only this time, instead of crying because he doesn’t see a future with me, it’s me that doesn’t know who I’m supposed to choose for my future: Why can’t I stop thinking about how much I want to open that door and fling my arms around Ty?