by Mark Roeder
“Brandon and Jon came into the café while I was working today.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. They were going off on each other—and me.”
Tristan laughed.
“They’re crazy. Taylor wrote me about them a time or two. They are just as he described them.”
Taylor. Tristan looked so much like his cousin it was scary. The only differences were that Tristan had black hair where Taylor had blond and brown eyes instead of blue. Taylor didn’t wear glasses, either, but Tristan was his dark twin. Sometimes, it was as if Taylor was alive again…
Tristan and I talked about school for a bit while I tried to work up the courage to ask him out.
The kettle whistled. Tristan took it off the stove and made us cups of Irish Breakfast tea.
“So what’s up?” he asked.
This was it. I hesitated, but then Brandon’s voice taunted me in my head again, “You pussy.”
“I was wondering…will you go out with me tomorrow?”
“Out with you? Like bowling or what?”
“Well, I’d like to take you to The Park’s Edge.”
“So, you mean like a date?”
“Yeah, well…it doesn’t have to be. Just…you know…”
“I don’t know, Shawn. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I like you, but… I don’t really want to be more than friends right now. Maybe somewhere down the road, but I’m just not ready.”
I could feel my face blanching. Tristan was being as kind as possible, but he might as well have been kicking me and laughing at me.
“Just as friends?” I asked. “I promise. I won’t read anything into it. We haven’t had much time together. I want to get to know you. We have to eat anyway, and who wants to be alone on Valentine’s Day? Please.”
“Oh, you’re bringing out the puppy-dog eyes. That is not fair.”
“I have puppy-dog eyes?” I asked.
“You do, sometimes—like now.”
“Just as friends, then? I promise to keep my hands to myself.”
“Okay, just as friends, but we go Dutch.”
“I don’t mind paying,” I said.
“No. We go Dutch.”
“Okay.”
It wasn’t the way I wanted things to be, but I guess it was about as much as I could expect. Tristan and I were going out on Valentine’s Day!
“So what have you been up to?” Tristan asked as he took a sip of tea.
“School, work, organizing the loft, cleaning, prying Tim and Dane apart.”
“I bet the last is the toughest job.”
“Yeah. I had a talk with the two of them. Tim didn’t understand why I wouldn’t just let them do whatever they wanted. It’s tough being his brother and his guardian at the same time. Well, I’m not officially his guardian, but in a way I am. I hope he doesn’t start resenting me. I feel like a villain sometimes when I’m telling him he has to be home by a certain time or follow some other rule.”
“You’re just trying to take care of him.”
“I know, but I don’t know if he sees it that way. When I came up with the idea of us moving out and getting our own place, I never thought about the consequences. I knew I’d have to get a job and pay bills, but there are all these other responsibilities I didn’t consider. I didn’t realize I’d basically become Tim’s parent. I don’t mind. It’s just that I don’t know how to do it.”
“Look at it this way. Even if you really screw up, you can’t possibly be a worse parent than your dad.”
“Yeah. Tim won’t come home and find me drunk in front of the TV. He doesn’t have to worry about me beating him.”
“Have you talked to your dad since you moved out?”
“No. He did send me a check for the first two months’ rent on the loft like he promised. I was kind of surprised he kept his word.”
“At least he’s helping you out some.”
“Yeah. Dad isn’t all bad. I know he has his own problems. Basically, he’s a bully, a shitty father, and an alcoholic. He does have his moments, though. He wasn’t always like that, either. He was never a great dad, but there was a time when he was, at least, a decent father. He has improved some recently. At least, he respects me now.”
“You know, word about what happened between you and your dad has gotten around at school. I don’t mean everything, just the fight. I think a lot of people respect you for that—or are at least afraid of you.”
“I guess I should have kicked his ass long ago,” I said with an insincere laugh. “I used to be so scared of him. Then, when I came in and found him beating on Tim, I just snapped. One thing is for sure, I’m not at all sorry I got Tim out of there. Now, if I can just get Tim to keep it in his pants.”
Tristan laughed.
“That will probably be a losing battle.”
“Pardon me for being crude, but if I’d let them, Tim and Dane would fuck like bunnies.”
Tristan laughed again. “No doubt.”
“The thing is, I kind of feel like a jerk for not letting them. I feel as if I’m sticking my nose in where it doesn’t belong. At the same time, I feel responsible for Tim. Dane’s mom lets him come over when I’m there because she trusts me to keep things under control.”
“How do you handle it?”
“When Dane is there, I make Tim keep his bedroom door open. They make out a lot, and I’m sure they do quite a bit more, but at least they’re not going all the way.”
“That’s probably the best you can do. I don’t envy you.”
“Sometimes, I just want to be a kid again. I never really did get to be a kid. Well, I did for a while, then Mom left, and that was that. Everything began to change.”
I was thankful Tristan didn’t ask why Mom left. I didn’t want to get into it.
“My life has been rough at times, but it’s been much easier than yours,” Tristan said. “I know what you mean about wishing you could be a kid again. I’m seventeen, just like you. A lot of people think of me as a kid still, but I’m really not. I guess compared to being thirty-five, seventeen is being a kid, but it’s not like being nine or ten. I don’t have your responsibilities, but still there are all these pressures, all these decisions to make. Sometimes, I wish I could go back to having my parents tell me what to do.”
“Yeah. I hope life will get easier. Being on my own and becoming responsible for Tim just happened so fast. It’s kind of like someone walked up to me and said, “Congratulations, it’s a sixteen-year-old boy. I’m a father, and I’ve never even had sex with a girl!”
Tristan laughed. He did that a lot. It’s one of the many things I liked about him.
“Sorry. I didn’t come over here to whine.”
“You’re not whining. I find it all rather interesting. I don’t have a little brother, but I can’t even imagine trying to raise one if I did.”
“My whole life has changed. My plan was to get the hell out of Verona the second I turned eighteen. Now, I plan to stick around at least until Tim graduates from high school. I don’t know what I’m going to do about college. My hopes were never too high when it came to that. I may be working at Ofarim’s and Café Moffatt my entire life.”
“Your family is not very well off, is it?” Tristan asked.
“No. Dad hasn’t had a real job for years. I’m not sure where he gets his money for booze. I’m not sure I want to know.”
“I bet you can get financial assistance, then. You might be able to get a scholarship as well.”
“I’m going to try, but I’ve got Tim to worry about as well. I’d like to put some money back for his college education, but right now, it’s taking everything I’m making just to keep going. Okay, we need to talk about something else. I don’t want to think about this stuff anymore, and I don’t want you to think of me as someone who comes over and talks about his problems all the time.”
“We can change the subject, but you’re welcome to talk to me about your problems anytime you want.”
“Tha
nks.”
“Hmm, new topic… Oh, this is kind of related, but I heard a rumor about your brother on Friday.”
“Uh-oh. What did he do?”
“People are beginning to notice how Tim and Dane stick together every minute. Someone saw them kiss.”
“That doesn’t surprise me, the little horn dogs.”
Tristan grinned.
“Tim was planning on coming out,” I said. “I guess it’s no big deal. I’ll have to keep an eye on him, though. Once Devon and his minions find out, they’ll give Tim and Dane a hard time.”
“I’m sure the guys can keep Devon and the others under control. I haven’t been going to VHS for a long time but Brendan, Ethan, Brandon, and Jon seem to keep things from getting out of hand—as far as preventing the gay boys from being harassed.”
“Yeah, you missed some major drama. Some serious shit went down in the last several months. I was just on the fringe of most of it. I was really scared for quite a while—back when Devon and his crowd were all over Taylor and Mark. Then, when they…died…”
“You can say it, Shawn. My cousin killed himself, and then Mark did, too.”
“I just don’t want to bring up painful memories.”
“Those memories are painful whether you bring them up or not. Taylor was more like a brother than a cousin, even though we didn’t get to see each other all that much. I think it’s best to just go ahead and talk about what happened. It’s not good to repress feelings. Emotions have a way of coming out one way or another.”
“Maybe you’re right. I don’t know.”
“My point is: don’t ever feel bad about talking about Taylor around me. I’m still adjusting to losing him, but I try to focus my memories on his life, not on his death. In a way, it helps me to truly appreciate what I’ve got. I’m sure Taylor didn’t know he was going to die until shortly before he killed himself. He was sixteen. He probably thought he was going to go on living for years and years, but then his life ended. His death has made me understand the importance of appreciating what I’ve got right now. Thinking about the future is fine, but it’s the present that is truly important.”
“You’re really smart,” I said.
“I don’t know about that, but I’m glad I have the ability to live in the moment. Maybe all I’m saying is that I’m an optimist. I think it’s a lot better going through life seeing the glass as half full, rather than half empty.”
I so wanted to kiss Tristan just then. I wanted to hold him in my arms and kiss him. For now, I had to be content with his friendship. As I sat there and thought about it, I realized his friendship was a pretty valuable thing. I wanted to focus on that. I wanted my glass to be half full, too.
Tristan was extremely intelligent. That much was obvious. He was telling me about this book he was reading on Gutenberg. Luckily, I didn’t open my mouth and say anything before he explained that Gutenberg invented the printing press and movable type back in the fifteenth century. When he first mentioned Gutenberg, I thought he was talking about those really awesome cars from the 1930s, but that was Duesenberg. I came very close to looking like a total idiot.
Tristan was also reading The Iliad. I didn’t know anyone who would read a book like that unless it was a class assignment but Tristan read it just because he wanted to. He was explaining it to me, and I have to admit, it did sound pretty cool. We must’ve sat there for two hours drinking hot tea and talking about stuff like Renaissance artists and Greek mythology. When my teachers discussed such things in class I was bored, but Tristan made them interesting.
***
When I was in grade school, Valentine’s Day meant a party. We’d each make a mailbox out of a shoebox and some construction paper. These shoeboxes always reminded me of covered wagons. Then, we’d all go around delivering valentines to the mailboxes. Everyone got one for everyone else, so it wasn’t like on that Charlie Brown special where he’s looking forlornly into an empty mailbox. Looking back, those grade-school parties weren’t all that much—just some cupcakes, punch, a few games, and those valentines—but I really looked forward to them back then. When I got older, there weren’t any parties, and I started to feel like an outsider because my friends would have Valentine’s Day dates with girls. It was really only the last couple of years that Valentine’s Day began to be a major bummer. I wanted a boyfriend, but there was no way I could have one—even if I could find one. This year was different. Despite the fact that my date with Tristan wasn’t really a date, it was the closest thing I had experienced yet. I was excited!
Picking out what to wear for my Valentine’s Day date with Tristan was surprisingly easy. I selected my white dress shirt because I knew it would look good with my dark, chocolate-brown hair. I wore a pair of deep maroon corduroys to complete my dressy look.
I wanted to buy Tristan some flowers or candy, but then he’d think I was reading more into our date than I should. I wanted it to be a flowers-and-candy kind of date, but it wasn’t. I didn’t want to come on too strong or Tristan might decide he didn’t want to see me anymore. I had to respect his wishes and just hope he’d take a romantic interest in me—or at least a sexual interest. I wanted more than just sex, but I’d take what I could get! Oh, how I yearned to kiss those full, red lips of his.
It was cold out, but there still seemed to be little sense in driving. Besides, my beat-up car didn’t exactly create a luxurious atmosphere. I pulled on my leather jacket and scarf, but once again chose not to wear my toboggan. I didn’t want to greet Tristan with messy, static-charged hair.
The walk to Tristan’s house was bracing. I enjoyed breathing in the cold air. I liked the contrast between the cold breeze hitting my face and the warmth of my body inside my leather jacket. With my hands in my pockets I felt quite snuggly.
Tristan answered the door wearing a deep-purple dress shirt and dark slacks that were almost, but not quite black. I wanted to just stand there and gaze upon his beauty, but I couldn’t for the same reason I couldn’t buy him any flowers or candy.
“Ready?” I asked.
“I just have to get my coat. Step inside and I’ll run up to my room.”
I stood just inside the door for less than a minute before Tristan returned wearing his suede duster. It made him look like some New York model. Together, we stepped out into the chill air of Verona.
“How was work today?” Tristan asked.
“Busy. Sunday mornings are always busy. I don’t mind, though. The time passes faster, and I get more tips.”
“I actually finished putting my bedroom together this morning. Then I finished up a book report. I’m finally on top of things again.”
“Does that mean you’ll come over and help me decorate? I’ve done my best, but I’m not good at that sort of thing.”
“Are you sure you’re gay?” Tristan asked. “We’re supposed to be natural-born decorators, you know.”
“Oh, I’m sure.”
I resisted the urge to tell Tristan I was willing to prove it right then and there.
“It’s nice to get out. I can’t wait until spring,” Tristan said.
“Yeah. I love warm weather. My favorite weather is when I can run around wearing shorts and no shirt.”
“I don’t go shirtless very often.”
“You should. I bet you’ve got a sexy body.”
“More like skinny. My ribs show.”
“There’s nothing wrong with skinny.”
“That’s easy for you to say. Those of us who aren’t built prefer not to let others see our skinny bodies.”
I struggled hard not to say certain things. My instinct was to flirt and make suggestive comments, but with a supreme effort I controlled myself. I wondered if I’d gone too far by saying Tristan had a sexy body.
It wasn’t long before we reached The Park’s Edge. It was crowded. While we were waiting on a table, I spotted Ethan and Nathan sitting together. Brandon was with his girlfriend. I spotted Jon with a girl, too. I wondered if they were dating. I c
aught sight of someone waving at me and turned to see Casey. She was having supper with Sandy. It looked as if everyone was there. The only couple I didn’t spot was Brendan and Casper. There was no sign of Tim and Dane, either, but Tim was still primping when I’d left.
I feared all the couples would make Tristan nervous, but he didn’t show any sign of being ill at ease. I noticed the guys checking Tristan and me out. They probably thought I’d finally convinced him to go out with me. I kind of had, but it wasn’t the kind of date I truly desired. Oh, how I wished it was! We’d have supper, take a romantic walk, and then make out under the stars. That wasn’t going to happen, but at least I could dream.
“Thanks for coming with me. I didn’t want to sit at home alone on Valentine’s Day.”
“I’m glad not to be alone, either,” Tristan said.
“What is it about holidays?” I asked. “They’re supposed to be fun, but so often they end up being sad and miserable.”
“Holidays make people think about who or what is missing from their lives,” Tristan said. “Mom was really sad this morning. I know she misses Dad. I think a lot of people who don’t have someone to be with on Valentine’s Day look around at all the happy couples, and it makes them feel really lonely.”
“Yeah. It makes me feel lonely. I was determined to have a boyfriend this Valentine’s Day. I really worked at it. Casey helped me. I went out with four different guys, and all of them were losers. Well, except Blake. He was hot, but he wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. It leaves me feeling as if I’ve tried and failed.”
“At least you tried.”
“Yeah.”
I looked at Tristan. I didn’t voice my hope that by the next Valentine’s Day he would be my boyfriend.
We were shown to a table that was located right next to a large tropical plant. It provided a sense of privacy. That’s one thing I liked about The Park’s Edge. The tables weren’t crowded together. They were thoughtfully placed so that no matter where one sat, there was a feeling of intimacy. I knew I could carry on a private conversation with Tristan without being overheard.