Just Making Out

by Mark Roeder

  Marc and I dressed in silence, but he stopped me before I opened the door.

  “It will be okay, Shawn.”

  Marc leaned in, hugged me tight, and then kissed me.

  We stepped out into the hall just as Blake left my bedroom, now fully dressed. Marc kissed me again, and then he and Blake departed.

  I took a deep breath, walked down the hallway, and knocked on Tim’s door.

  “Come in.”

  He was lying on his bed, reading a comic book, which he put down as soon as I stepped in. His gaze was piercing and accusatory. I knew what was coming.

  “So, Dane and I aren’t allowed to make love in the loft, but it’s okay for you to have a three-way with Marc and Blake? Is that how it is?”

  “Shit,” I said.

  “Yeah, shit,” Tim said. “Bullshit!”

  My little brother stood up and glared at me.

  I opened my mouth to speak a few times but shut it again to keep myself from saying something stupid. I thought about saying that it was different for me because I was older, but I wasn’t much older. I thought about getting onto Tim for not knocking, but that wasn’t going to fly. Every excuse that entered my mind was useless. I was screwed.

  “I fucked up, Tim.”

  “Yeah, you fucked, and you were getting fucked, right here in the loft when I’m not allowed to make love with my boyfriend!”

  “I know, Tim, I…”

  ”You know, Dane and I love each other! I don’t think you love Marc, and I know you don’t love Blake! Dane and I together means something, but what you were doing was just sex. How can you tell me I can’t make love with my boyfriend when you’re fucking everything that moves!”

  “That’s not fair, Tim. I’m not like that. I just get with Marc and sometimes with Blake.”

  “Yeah, whatever. How often does this go on? How many times have you done this behind my back? Dane and I have never made love in the loft! Never! We wanted to sooo bad. We both think it’s stupid that we can’t, but we didn’t do it because we understood the position you were in. Now, I come in and catch you going at it with not one, but two guys! Do you want to explain to me how this is okay? Do you?”

  “It’s not okay, Tim. I fucked up. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking with my head.”

  “Yeah, I know what you were thinking with. My dick tries to do my thinking for me, too, but I exercise self-control.”

  Ouch.

  “Tim, I’m sorry. I…”

  “Bullshit! This is fucking bullshit! I can’t believe I apologized for walking in on you! I am so fucking mad right now I could punch you in the face! Fuck you, Shawn! Fuck you!”

  Tim shouldered past me. I heard the door to the loft slam seconds later. I wished he had slugged me. It would have made me feel a little better. I sat down on the edge of Tim’s bed and put my head between my hands. I’d screwed up royally this time, and I had only myself to blame.

  I just sat there for several minutes feeling like a complete failure. I didn’t know what to do. Tim was pissed off, and he had every right to be. Having sex with Marc in my bedroom had seemed like a great idea at the time. I’d wanted him so bad…and then when Marc suggested calling Blake, I didn’t even think. I was totally consumed with lust. I didn’t stop to think for a moment how things would look to Tim if he caught us in the act. I was a two-faced bastard and a hypocrite. Tim was right about something else, too. Tim and Dane loved each other. I was very fond of Marc, and I knew I could grow to love him, but I didn’t love him. I definitely didn’t love Blake. Pardon my French, but Blake was nothing more than a fuck.

  Tim was right, and I was completely wrong. I was thankful I hadn’t tried to rationalize my actions. I was thankful I hadn’t said any of the stupid things that entered my mind when I was talking to Tim. That would only have made the situation much worse.

  What was I going to do? How could I continue to tell Tim he couldn’t make love with Dane in the loft after he’d caught me bare-assed. Worse than that, he’d caught me…I didn’t even want to think about it. How humiliating. I had to be the world’s worst parent.

  I needed to talk to someone, but who? My dad? Yeah, right! Tristan? Yeah, like I really wanted to explain to him that my little brother caught me in the middle of a naked-boy sandwich. I couldn’t imagine Tristan ever having a three-way. I couldn’t imagine him having sex with anyone he didn’t love. I thought of Nate, and suddenly I felt a whole lot worse. If Tristan had something going with Nate, then that meant…no, I couldn’t think about it. Tristan would think I was a complete and total slut if I told him what had happened. Who else was there?

  Dane’s mom? I thought about it for a minute. She let Dane come over because she knew I’d act as a chaperone. I knew I was expected to keep things from going too far. I guess the situation could be worse. I could have caught Dane and Tim going at it. That would have meant I wasn’t capable of acting as a chaperone. Still, the chaperone wasn’t supposed to get caught having a three-way.

  I stood up, walked to the phone, and called Dane’s mom before I lost my nerve. I told her I’d made a big mistake and I needed to talk to her. She told me to come right over.

  I walked because I wasn’t in a hurry to face her. How was I going to say what I had to say? I wasn’t going to give her details, but the general picture was embarrassing enough. Worse, she was going to be disappointed in me. I knew she expected more from me. I needed her help, though. I was in over my head, and I knew it. I didn’t want anyone to know how I’d failed, but for Tim’s sake—and mine, too—I had to face the music.

  Mrs. Haakonson was waiting on me at the front door.

  “Hi, Shawn. Come on in. I’ve made us some hot tea. I’ve set up a cozy little corner where I like to read. I thought we could talk there.”

  I nodded. I tried to smile, but I felt like crying instead. Abigail put her arm around my shoulder and led me into the building and to a door that had “Principal’s Office” painted on the frosted-glass panel in the top half of the door. How appropriate.

  Inside, the small room was not at all what I was expecting. I guess I should’ve known the old principal’s desk, the file cabinets, and all the other office paraphernalia would have been removed long ago. Dane’s mom had made the old office into a sitting room. Two comfortable sitting chairs upholstered with a light-blue fabric covered with roses were placed near each other with a low, square walnut table between them. Bookshelves were filled with a collection of hardbacks. A large, oval, hooked rug covered most of the wooden floor, and antique botanical prints decorated the walls. It was a very comfortable room.

  A teapot and two cups as well as a lavender candle in a jar sat on the table between the chairs. I sat down and watched the flame as Dane’s mom poured us cups of tea. She handed me a cup and saucer, and I took a sip before speaking.

  “Mrs. Haakonson…”

  “Call me Abigail, Shawn. Please.”

  “Abigail, I need your help. I’m in a spot, and I just don’t know what to do. I made a big mistake this evening—a huge mistake—and I…I’m afraid I’ve messed up everything with Tim. I’ve tried to be a good parent, but…I’m not a good parent at all. I’m a complete and total failure.”

  My eyes grew watery. Great, just what I needed: to cry in front of Dane’s mom. That would complete the picture of pathetic loser quite nicely.

  “Why don’t you tell me what happened, Shawn,” Abigail said calmly.

  “I don’t know how to say it, so I’ll just say it. Tim walked in on me having sex with…two other guys.”

  I know I must have turned completely red.

  “I’ve been trying so hard to do what’s right for Tim. I’ve done my best to chaperone Tim and Dane when they’re at the loft. I make Tim keep the door to his room open when Dane is there. I’ve been seeing this boy, Marc. I really like him, and…I just wanted to be with him. And, the other guy, Blake. You must just think I’m horrible.”

  I couldn’t even look at Abigail.

  “Shaw
n, I think you’re a courageous and intelligent young man. You’re doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. You were thrust into this situation without warning. Overnight, you became, in essence, Tim’s dad. Being a parent isn’t easy at any age, and it’s got to be much more difficult for someone so young. I’ve felt very comfortable with Dane visiting Tim because I knew you’d make sure things didn’t get out of hand.”

  “But now I’ve ruined it,” I said. “How can I tell Tim he can’t have Dane alone in his room with the door closed when he just caught me doing exactly what I’m trying to keep him from doing? I’m a hypocrite. I’ve completely lost my credibility with Tim. He was screaming at me when he stormed out of the loft.”

  “He’ll calm down,” Abigail said. “I think you’re being too hard on yourself. This is as much my fault as yours. I didn’t mean to put you in such a difficult position. I didn’t stop to think I was piling more problems on your shoulders. I was just happy that I knew Dane would be safe when he was near you.”

  “I’ve messed everything up!”

  “Shawn, you’re seventeen. Most boys your age aren’t asked to place such constraints on themselves. You’ve not only become Tim’s parent, you’ve become your own. It’s put you in an extremely difficult and trying position. I’m sorry. You should be free to do what you want in your own home, and that includes sex. As a mother, I don’t think you’re old enough to be having sex, but then mothers aren’t objective about such things. I won’t be comfortable with Dane having sex when he’s thirty. He’ll always be my baby. Being objective, however, I know that you are an intelligent, mature, young man who is quite capable of making intelligent decisions about sex.”

  “I wasn’t very intelligent this evening. I let my…body do my thinking for me.”

  “You shouldn’t fault yourself too much for that, Shawn. You are at an age when your body is quite demanding about such things. Instinct is ordering you to have sex. Fighting against that is a little like trying not to breathe.”

  I grinned. I was amazed Abigail understood so well.

  “That’s how it feels. Sometimes, I feel as though I’m going to die if I can’t have sex. That just makes me more of a hypocrite, however. I took care of my needs while I denied Tim the opportunity to take care of his.”

  “Welcome to parenthood. All parents are hypocrites at times, but we mean well.”

  “I don’t really want to say this, but I don’t even feel as if I’m doing the right thing when I’m telling Tim he shouldn’t have sex. I don’t really see anything wrong with it. I did talk to him about the dangers of VD. I even bought him condoms.”

  “I’m very impressed, Shawn. Most parents don’t do such a good job when it comes to sexual matters. Most don’t even talk to their kids about sex.”

  “Yeah, but most parents don’t get caught having sex by their kids.”

  “They don’t?”

  “Well, I, uh, I figured they didn’t.”

  I took another sip of tea.

  “On the contrary, I think it likely that most kids do catch their parents having sex. Think about it. Parents and children live in close, intimate proximity. It’s almost bound to happen. Even if it doesn’t, the existence of a child is proof that his or her parents do have sex, at least once per child.”

  Abigail grinned.

  “You’re making this a lot easier to talk about than I expected. I was not looking forward to this discussion, especially to admitting what Tim caught me doing,” I said.

  “I’m not surprised that you’re sexually active. I’d be more surprised if you weren’t. You’re a healthy young man. It’s almost a given. I would not be surprised to discover that Dane is sexually active as well. I don’t like thinking about it, but I do because I want to keep him safe. I talked with Dane about safe sex just like you did with Tim. That wasn’t an easy conversation for either of us. It was likely a good deal easier on Tim, because he was talking to his brother and not his mother.”

  “Yeah.”

  “The point is that I talked about a difficult topic for Dane’s sake. I know this conversation isn’t easy for you. I admire you because you have the courage to talk to me about it.”

  “Well, I’d handle it myself if I could, but I’m in over my head.”

  “Yes, and you’re doing the mature and intelligent thing by asking for help.”

  “So, any idea of what I can do? If I continue to tell Tim he can’t have Dane in his room with the door closed, he’s just going to throw this evening back in my face. I can’t blame him. I did exactly what I told him not to do. As Tim pointed out, what I did was even worse, because I don’t love Marc or Blake. Tim loves Dane very much.”

  “You have been compromised. I think the best course is to remove the rule.”

  “You mean allow Tim to have Dane in his room with the door closed? You know what they’ll be doing.”

  “Yes, that’s what I mean, and I know what they’ll be doing. I’m sure I’ve gone too far in looking out for Dane’s best interests, but I’m his mother so I can’t help it. I can’t watch over him all the time, and as much as I’d like to, I shouldn’t. The truth is that Dane and Tim will have sex if they want to. I don’t like to think about it, and I don’t know how far they’ve gone, but I’m sure they’ve gone as far as opportunity allows. Once the weather gets warmer…well, there is no controlling teenage boys. I dated a few in my past. I know what they’re like.”

  “Tim said as much to me. He said no one can stop them from making love. He used that as a rationale for why I should allow him to make love with Dane in his room.”

  “That makes a lot of sense, but don’t tell the boys I said that.”

  “Yes, and to be honest, I’ve felt pretty unreasonable all along. If I was Tim, I’d find a way, no question about it.”

  “I’m afraid you are right.”

  “So, how do we handle this? I don’t think telling Tim it’s fine to make love with Dane is a good idea. Those two do not need encouragement.”

  “We just tell them that we trust them to make the right decisions regarding sex, and we trust them to be safe. I’ll make it clear to Dane I think he’s too young, but that I’m also realistic. You may want to stress being safe again. I know you aren’t as opposed to the two of them being sexually active as I am.”

  “This is going to make my life much easier.”

  “I’m sorry I put you in such a position, Shawn. I really am. Of course, at the same time, I can’t help but wish we could continue as before, but that’s no longer possible.”

  “Thanks to me.”

  “Shawn, I appreciate everything you’ve done. I also haven’t forgotten you saved my son’s life. If it wasn’t for you…” Abigail stopped. Her eyes grew watery, and for a moment, I thought she was going to cry.

  I nodded. I always felt a bit awkward whenever anyone brought that up.

  “Thank you so much for your help,” I said. “I didn’t know what I was going to do. Thank you for being understanding about my, uh, sexual activities, too.”

  “I’m glad to help. As for being understanding, I’ve always believed everyone’s sex life is their private business. You’re a young man, not a boy, and you’re mature enough to make your own decisions. You’ve proved your maturity over and over again. Just remember, doors do have locks.”

  I smiled.

  Abigail and I sat in her cozy little retreat and drank hot tea while chatting about this and that. I was glad to leave the more embarrassing and complicated topics behind. I felt a good deal better when I departed than I had when I’d arrived. Now all I had to do was face Tim.

  ***

  Tim hadn’t returned by the time I made it back to the loft. I was tired, but there was no way I could sleep until I’d talked to him. I made myself some hot tea and sat down at the table to do some homework.

  It was difficult to keep my mind off what was to come. I could just envision a shouting match, with Tim doing most of the shouting. The minutes crawled by.
I did my best and completed a lot of homework, although not as much as I could have if I’d been able to focus properly. Tim came in a little after midnight—later than he was supposed to—but I didn’t say a word about that.

  “We need to talk,” I said.

  “Fuck you. Oh, wait, Marc and Blake already have—whore.”

  “If you’re done insulting me, I have some things to tell you.”

  “I repeat, fuck you. I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “Just listen to what I have to say.”

  “No!”

  “Tim…”

  “Just fuck off!”

  I stood up and walked toward him. I was getting angry but trying to fight it.

  “Tim, just listen to me,” I said, putting my hand on his shoulder. He shoved it off.

  “What part of ‘fuck off’ don’t you understand? Oh wait, I know you understand fuck, you do it all the time. I guess it’s off that has you confused.”

  “Just listen,” I said, grabbing him by the shoulders.

  That’s when he punched me in face. I tackled him, and we fell to the floor. Tim punched me in the stomach before I managed to wrestle him onto his stomach and get his arm twisted behind his back. That truly set him off, but I was in control now.

  “Get the fuck off me!”

  “Not until you listen!”

  “Fuck off! I’m not listening to you! Whore!”

  “You are going to listen,” I said, twisting his arm enough for it to hurt, but not hurt too much.

  “Fuck you!”

  I twisted his arm a bit harder, and I heard Tim sob.

  “I’m trying to tell you that you’re right about what you said before you stormed out. I’m trying to apologize and tell you about how things are going to change. Will you just talk to me, or do I have to hold you here while we talk?”

  “I’ll talk to you. Now let me up, fucker!”

  “You promise?”

  “I promise.”

  I let Tim up off the floor.

  “So talk!” Tim said as he walked to the table and dropped down in the chair.