Just Making Out
Page 28
When did I start trembling again, or had I never stopped?
“It was…so much scarier this time,” I said.
Tim kept holding me. He kissed my forehead. I felt better, but an edge of fear wouldn’t let me go.
“Let’s walk to the gym. I want to look at his picture again,” I said.
Tim held my hand as we walked down the hallways toward the old gym. We crossed the basketball court, and I shined my flashlight on the photo of Jacob Brubaker that hung on the wall near the stage.
“He has black hair and green eyes,” I said.
“You could see that when he appeared to you?”
“Yes.”
It had to be so. The old photo was in black and white.
Tim and I walked into the boys’ locker room and on into the showers. The floor was still wet, but there was no sign of Jacob. I didn’t expect him to be there, but I felt compelled to look.
Tim and I walked to the cafeteria. I needed something hot to drink. My hands were so unsteady I couldn’t fill the kettle with water. Tim took over and made us mugs of hot tea. I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
“Was it that scary?” Tim asked. “I know it must be frightening. I’d be scared for sure, but you’ve never been like this before, or is it always like this and I just didn’t realize it was this bad because I didn’t see you so soon after?”
“I don’t know why I’m so scared. The first time was terrifying. The next a little less so. This time…this time was worse than the first. It wasn’t that different from before, only…”
“What?”
“Let’s wait until we get up to my room to talk about it. I feel exposed here.”
I could tell by the look in Tim’s eyes that he was worried about me. I felt guilty for making him worry. Jacob didn’t try to hurt me. There was no real reason why I should be so afraid…other than the fact he was a ghost and he’d touched me!
Tim carried our steaming mugs up to my room because I was too shaky to keep from spilling mine everywhere. Once there, we sat close together and sipped our tea. I should have thought to offer Tim coffee. He loved coffee.
“So, what was different this time?” Tim asked.
“It was less cold, I think. There was more color to him. He came closer than ever, but I was able to make out the color of his hair and eyes this time. That’s not the big thing, though. He touched me.”
“He touched you?”
“Yeah. I was showering. He reached out and touched my chest with his fingertips, then he ran his fingers over my chest.”
“For how long?”
“A few moments, I guess, but it might have been longer. I don’t know. He was staring straight into my eyes while he did it. I couldn’t look away.”
“You tried to look away and couldn’t?”
“I…I don’t know. I don’t think I tried. I just couldn’t stop looking.”
“What did it feel like?”
“Chilly, not cold, just cool, but it wasn’t the touch of the living.”
I was silent for a few moments.
“Anything else?” Tim asked.
“I…I didn’t realize it until after he was gone, but…”
“What?”
“I got hard.”
“You got a hard-on?”
“Yeah. I didn’t even know it until I looked down, but…I was hard. It didn’t go away for about five minutes or so. I don’t understand it. I wasn’t turned on by him touching me. I was scared, just scared.”
Tim was silent.
“Are we okay, Tim?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said. “It’s okay. I wouldn’t go telling Brandon or Jon you got a hard-on for a dead boy, but it’s okay.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry, Dane. Come on. We both get hard looking at other guys sometimes. It’s no big deal.”
“I guess, but…this wasn’t like those times. I wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t even feel it happening.”
“I’d say your mind was on other things.”
“Yeah, but it still freaks me out I got hard for a dead boy.”
“Is that why you’re so scared?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really know why I’m so scared. Maybe because he touched me. Maybe because he didn’t come to me in my bedroom this time. I don’t know. I just…I thought I could deal with this, but now I’m not so sure. I just feel messed up.”
“I think I’d feel pretty messed up if a dead boy came in while I was showering and touched me,” Tim said. “That’s not exactly the kind of thing that happens every day.”
“Tim, do you think I might be crazy? No one has ever seen this ghost but me. Maybe I just think I see him.”
“Dane, most people believe in ghosts. If that many people believe, then lots of people must have seen them. Besides, someone else has seen the ghost: Boothe. Why would he risk getting arrested and go to the trouble of coming here to get rid of Jacob if Jacob wasn’t real?”
“Yeah, that’s true. Boothe is only interested in Boothe. I wonder if Jacob came after Boothe the way he did me just a few minutes ago.”
“Surely even a dead boy has better taste than that,” Tim said.
“Well, I’m not sure why Jacob touched me. Maybe it was sexual, and maybe it wasn’t. Maybe he kept coming after Boothe and touching him. Maybe he did something worse. What if Jacob touches me every time he comes? I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep knowing I could wake up and find him groping me. It’s creepy. What if it doesn’t stop there?”
Tim had no answer for that. He just hugged me. I wished he could hug me forever.
Tim put our mugs of tea to the side, leaned in, and kissed me. He held me close and kissed me until I forgot about Jacob. We would have done more, but my parents might have walked in, and that would’ve been as scary as any ghost.
I don’t know how long we kissed. It was never long enough. Some minutes later Tim and I pulled apart. He smoothed back my hair. I yawned.
“Why don’t you get some rest,” Tim said. “Get into bed, and I’ll stay here with you until you fall asleep.”
“I love you,” I said.
“I love you, too.”
I undressed and climbed into bed. Tim tucked me in and sat beside me holding my hand. His presence was comforting. I thought about how lucky I was to have such a wonderful boyfriend. Soon, I fell asleep.
Shawn
“You are such a girl,” Tim said.
“What?”
“That’s like the eighth shirt you’ve tried on and the fourth pair of pants. Pick something already. It’s only a date.”
“Only a date?” I could hear my voice going up an octave.
“Okay. Okay. I’m sorry. I know you’ve been stalking Tristan since he first set foot in Verona, and I know you’re totally obsessed with him…”
“Funny.”
“Yeah, but not so far from the truth. Is it?”
I had no answer for that.
“Seriously, Shawn. Tristan has seen you in everything you wear to school. Just pick out something already.”
“Are these jeans okay?” I asked, although why I was asking my little brother for fashion advice I did not know.
“They’re perfect. They’re just a little tight so they show off your hot ass.”
“Tim!”
“Well, you do have a hot ass. Don’t freak out. It’s just an observation.”
I wasn’t entirely sure about that, but I didn’t want to think about it. Besides, Tim had Dane now.
I stood there bare-chested, staring into my closet. Tristan had seen me in everything I’d worn to school… I reached out and pulled out a white tank top and slipped it on. It was just a little tight. I pulled out a light-weight, pale-green flannel shirt and pulled it on.
“How’s this?” I asked, turning around.
“Perfect, as long as you don’t button up the shirt.”
“Give me a little credit, will you?”
Tim stood ba
ck and checked me out.
“Yeah, perfect. You’re all set. Now, you’ll have time to do something with that hair.”
“My hair? What’s wrong with my hair? Tim? Tim?”
My little brother walked off, laughing. I hurried after him.
“Tim, what’s wrong with my hair?”
“I was just messing with you. Will you relax already? This isn’t the first time you’ve gone out with Tristan, after all.”
“Yes, but this is our first real date. We went strictly as friends on our other date, so it wasn’t really a date. This is totally different!”
“You’re acting like a lovesick girl.”
“Casey would smack you silly if she heard your girl comments.”
“Yeah, but what she doesn’t know won’t hurt me.”
I rolled my eyes.
“So, I seriously look okay?”
“You look fine, Shawn. Besides, don’t you think Tristan is interested in more than the way you look? He’s about the least-shallow person I know.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I’m just nervous. I don’t want to screw this up.”
“Shawn, he already knows you. He knows what a doofus you are sometimes.”
“Thanks a lot.”
“What I’m saying is you don’t have to impress him. He already likes you. Just relax, have a good time, and try not to dive across the table and rip his clothes off.”
“Thanks, Tim.”
“Yeah, yeah, now leave me alone. I have to get ready, too.”
“Have a date with Dane?”
“No. He’s coming over the second you’re out of the apartment so we can fuck.”
“Tim!”
“I’m kidding, just kidding…probably.”
I decided not to pursue the matter further. I hoped Tim was displaying his quirky sense of humor, but I also knew he was probably getting it on with Dane at every opportunity. I would have if I was him.
Tristan and I would not be getting it on at every opportunity. We wouldn’t be getting it on at all. The most I could hope for was a closed-mouth kiss, and maybe we’d go no further tonight than holding hands. The thing was, that was okay. I’d rather hold hands with Tristan than go all the way with Blake.
I walked into the bathroom and shaved again. I put on some cologne. I was nervous but also ecstatically happy. This was it! This was the beginning. I’d waited so long to date Tristan, and tonight was the night.
I checked myself out in the mirror. I did look good. I’d never be on the cover of a magazine, but so what? Tim was right, anyway. Tristan was not shallow. My looks were secondary. I grinned. I like that Tristan liked me for me and not just the way I looked. It made me feel very good about myself. Blake made me feel good about myself in a physical way. He was obviously turned on by my body. Tristan made me feel even better because he liked all of me, or at least most of me. No one was perfect after all.
It was still a little early, but I told Tim “goodbye” and headed out. I was picking Tristan up at his house, and we were walking together to The Park’s Edge. We’d gone there together on Valentine’s Day. I wish we could have gone as a couple then, but going as friends was way better than nothing. Besides, that “date” meant a lot to me. In my heart, we weren’t just friends even then.
I didn’t want to show up early and appear too eager, although Tristan knew all too well how badly I wanted to date him. I was just this side of pathetic, at best. No one had ever had such an effect on me before.
Spring was slowly making its presence known. The grass was greener, daffodils and tulips were beginning to appear, and other flowers were just beginning to push up out of the earth. It would be a while before daisies, peonies, and all the other flowers I couldn’t name were blooming, but just the hint of their presence lightened my heart.
Most guys didn’t seem to notice flowers. Did I because I was gay, or was that just me? Either way, I guess it didn’t matter. I counted myself lucky that I did notice them. There was so much to enjoy in life if you only looked, and I’m not just talking about flowers. Yeah, I know that’s easy for me to say now. Tristan and I are going on our first date! It was just as true when I thought Tristan was dating Nate London and back when Tim and I were still living with Dad and Tom. Maybe even more so then, because I needed whatever happiness I could find in life. Maybe life had a way of compensating those who didn’t have it so good.
I hoped I didn’t act like a total doofus tonight. As Tim had pointed out, Tristan was well acquainted with my less-than-suave characteristics, but I wanted him to see the strong, confident, romantic Shawn tonight. I needed him to understand that I was more than the Shawn who acted goofy at school, more than the Shawn who had a three-way with Blake and Marc.
Just relax. Be yourself. He likes you.
I took a deep breath. Yeah, that’s what I was going to do. I was just going to relax, be myself, and have a good time. I was not going to turn my long-anticipated date with Tristan into a problem.
I smiled as I headed for Tristan’s house. This was it.
I walked up the steps and knocked. Tristan opened the door moments later. He was dressed in black jeans and a black, long-sleeved dress shirt which was unbuttoned to reveal a deep-purple, tight-fitting shirt underneath. He looked so handsome, sophisticated, and sexy.
“I am starving,” Tristan said.
“Me, too.” The funny thing is I didn’t realize it until just then.
I couldn’t help but gaze at Tristan now and then and smile. I noticed he grinned back at me. After a few blocks, I burst out laughing, and it didn’t take Tristan long to join me.
“So much for appearing suave,” I said.
“You are suave. You’re also intelligent, charming, sexy, funny, courageous, and a few other things. All of them together add up to you.”
“Intelligent?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know about that. I even went to the library to pick out a book to read so I could talk to you more intelligently, but…I don’t know. I couldn’t find anything that interested me. I didn’t even know what most of the books were about. I don’t feel very intelligent.”
“Oh, but you are, Shawn. There are all kinds of intelligence. I love books, but there are brilliant people who never read a book in their lives. I would like to introduce you to books, but only because I think you’d really enjoy them.”
“Maybe you can help me pick out something.”
“Let me think about it. I’ll try to come up with something I think you’ll enjoy. I love reading. I’d like to share that with you.”
I smiled a big dopey smile just then, and I didn’t care if I looked like a fool. Tristan liked me! That’s all that mattered.
We walked on in companionable silence. The fact that we didn’t have to say anything to enjoy each other’s company made me feel all the closer to Tristan. It wasn’t like that with Blake. We had incredible sex, but when the sex was over, there was nothing left. I did get a similar feeling when I was with Marc, but it wasn’t the same. I wanted to get naked with Tristan in the worst way, but I just wanted to be with him.
Tristan and I entered The Park’s Edge and were ushered to a booth along the wall. The booth was completely enclosed on three sides and seemed almost like a separate little room. It was comfortable and cozy—in other words, perfect.
“So how is Tim?”
“Horny,” I said. “You have to ask?”
Tristan laughed.
“Let me rephrase that, how are things between you and Tim?”
“Great. Now that he can have Dane in his room with the door closed, there’s much less tension between us. I can’t believe Dane’s mom agreed to that, but it’s made my life so much easier.”
“I’m surprised she’s willing to allow it, too, but it is logical. Tim and Dane will have sex one way or another. There’s nothing anyone could do to stop it, short of keeping them both locked up.”
“True. The important thing is I don’t have to be the bad guy now, a
t least not in this area. I rarely have to get onto Tim about anything else. Thank God.”
“I’m sure it’s rough.”
“Yeah, he is a great brother. I just don’t tell him that too often. His ego is big enough.”
“I envy you having a brother. Taylor was a lot like a brother to me, but now…”
I reached across the table and gave Tristan’s hand a squeeze.
“So, what looks good,” Tristan said.
“What doesn’t?”
Our waiter arrived, took our drink orders, and departed.
“So, what are you thinking about ordering?” Tristan asked.
“I’m thinking the grilled salmon with fettuccine—rich tomato-basil cream with grilled fresh salmon, pine nuts, olives, onion, Romano cheese, chives, garlic, and basil.”
“That does sound good, but I’m leaning toward the Caesar’s salad with grilled chicken breast,” Tristan said. “Crisp romaine, freshly grated parmesan and croutons tossed with our classic Caesar dressing.”
“I’d wonder if just a salad is enough, but I’ve seen the salads here,” I said.
“I planned ahead and didn’t eat lunch so I’d have a shot at finishing it.”
“I’m sure I’ll be taking part of my supper home.”
“School is going to be over in a month, can you believe it?” Tristan asked.
“I can’t wait. I like school, but juggling school and work gets to be a little much. I plan on putting in more hours this summer, but I’ll still have more free time than now.”
“I’m going to miss everyone.”
“You’ll still see everyone this summer. We all hang out.”
“True, but it won’t be the same as seeing everyone daily.”
“I hope you and I can spend a lot of time together,” I said.
“Me, too, but I’ll also need time to myself.”
“Absolutely. I need alone time, too, and it’s hard to get when Tim is around so much. Don’t worry. I know I’ve been your stalker, but I’m not the clingy type. I want to do my own thing, too.”
“I wouldn’t say you’ve been stalking me. Close, but not quite.”
Tristan grinned, and my heart soared. Yeah, yeah, I know. How sappy, right? I don’t care!