by Mark Roeder
“You’ve probably read The Light in the Forest. It’s assigned reading in a lot of schools.”
“Yeah, I remember now. I kind of liked it.”
“I think you really like books and are just afraid to admit it. You’re a closet reader,” Tristan said.
“I was only experimenting, and I might have been drunk. I’m not a reader, I swear,” I said as if I was a straight boy trying to explain away a sexual encounter with a bud. Tristan just shook his head.
We checked out our books. Yes, believe it or not, I do have a library card, although previously I’d only used it to check out books I needed for school and magazines about football or fitness.
“That was a lot easier than I expected,” I said as we walked down the front steps.
“Did you expect to have your fingerprints taken at the front desk?”
“No, I mean, finding a book I actually want to read.”
“I knew you’d find something. You’re a lot deeper than you think.”
“Well, I hope so!”
Tristan laughed again. That’s something I liked about him. He laughed easily and often. He was quiet at times, but he was upbeat.
“Let’s go to my place and grab something to eat,” Tristan said. “I’m going to need something, since you talked me into attending boot camp.”
“A little three-on-three football is not boot camp.”
“It sounds exhausting,” said Tristan.
“No, it sounds fun. You’ll want to play again before we’re finished. Besides, that was the deal. You introduce me to reading for fun, and I introduce you to football.”
“I’m just teasing you, Shawn, but I am a little apprehensive.”
“Why?”
“I’m not an athlete like you. That stuff comes so easily to you that you don’t even think about it. Taylor was like that with soccer. I used to watch him play when we visited. He was so graceful on the field. He was like a wildcat: strong, sleek, and lethal. He was powerful and beautiful.”
“It sounds like you were in love with him.”
“I guess I was in a way, but it’s more accurate to say I loved him. We were like brothers.”
Tristan got quiet. I’d learned that meant he was sad, upset, or hurting inside.
“I’m sorry.”
“No. It’s okay. Sometimes I just forget Taylor is gone, you know? It’s as if he’s still out there, playing soccer. Then I remember, and I feel the loss all over again. It will pass soon. I know he’s safe now, so everything is okay. I’m just feeling a little sorry for myself.”
Tristan had a unique way of looking at grief, yet maybe he was right. If those who died did go onto a better place, then grief really was just those left behind feeling sorry for themselves because they missed who was gone. I guess that wasn’t a bad thing, either, but it was a new take on grief.
Tristan brightened up almost immediately. It was as if a dark cloud had passed over and was now gone. I hugged him close, and then we walked on.
“So who is playing with us?” Tristan asked. “I forgot to ask before.”
“Brendan, Casper, Marc, and Nate.”
“You invited Nate?”
“Yeah, I’m trying to patch things up with him. I was a dick when I thought you two had something going.”
“I think you had him confused. He had no idea why you were hostile. Maybe I should tell him.”
“Don’t you dare!”
“Ohh, I love having leverage.”
“You’re just a little-bit wicked, you know that?”
“Just a little bit.”
“Well, I’m trying to make up for being a jerk. I invited Marc, too, because I want you guys to get to know each other better.”
We walked on to Tristan’s house. He led me into the kitchen. His mom was sitting at the kitchen table, sipping coffee and reading Country Living.
“How was the library?” she asked.
“It was full of books, Mom,” Tristan said, giving her a hug.
“How are you, Shawn?”
“I couldn’t be better.”
I think I turned ever so slightly pink. I was just sure Tristan’s mom could tell I was in love with her son by the tone of my voice. She smiled.
“Want me to fix you boys something?”
“No, we’ll just make sandwiches. We’re heading over to the park to play flag football in a while,” Tristan said.
“Football?”
“Don’t act so surprised, Mom.”
“I’ve just never heard you mention football before.”
“Shawn and I are introducing each other to new things. He’s reading a book. I’m playing football.”
“You make such a cute couple.”
“Mom!”
“Well, you do.”
I knew Tristan was out to his mom, but I almost couldn’t believe she was talking about Tristan and me as a couple.
“I think you’re good for each other, and Shawn is very handsome.”
“Uh, Mom, he’s sitting right there.”
I laughed, even though I was a little embarrassed, too.
“You’ll have to excuse me, Shawn. I’m just happy Tristan is dating such a nice boy.”
“I’m happy I’m dating Tristan. He’s wonderful.” The tone of my voice said how much I loved him.
If Brandon and Jon had been there, they would’ve been playing fake violins and giving me a rough time, but I was safely hidden from their gaze.
Tristan and I made bologna-salad sandwiches and sat down at the kitchen table with his mom. Tristan poured us both iced tea.
“Do you have any college plans yet, Shawn?” Tristan’s mom asked.
“College is kind of up in the air at this point. I plan to go, but I don’t know when. I don’t see how I can go before Tim graduates from high school. Then he’s going to need help with school expenses, so I may have to wait until after he graduates from college. I have decided that I am going to school even if I don’t graduate until I’m thirty.”
“Tristan has told me how you’re taking care of your brother. What you’re doing for him is very admirable.”
“Well, I’m doing it for us. I get a lot out of it, too. I don’t know if I could handle being truly on my own.”
“Well, I’m very impressed. I think Tristan has made a very good choice.”
I smiled.
We finished up and headed out to the park.
“I hope Mom didn’t embarrass you too much,” Tristan said.
“Just a little. I’m glad she approves of me.”
“Why wouldn’t she?”
“Well, beyond the obvious reason that I’m a guy, I’m just…surprised.”
“Mom has no problem with my sexual orientation. I’m sure she’d like grandchildren—most moms do, I think—but I probably will have a kid. You shouldn’t be surprised she approves. In case you haven’t noticed, you have a lot going for you.”
I smiled again. I smiled a lot when I was around Tristan.
“I’ve never thought much about having kids,” I said. “I think I’d like that, but not too soon!”
“I’m talking about the future. After college, certainly. I don’t have to tell you what a responsibility that will be. For all practical purposes, Tim is your son.”
“Yeah, no kidding. I feel like his dad sometimes, although mostly I feel like his brother. I’m just glad he’s sixteen and not six. If we adopt someday, let’s stick with an older kid.”
“Are you proposing to me, Shawn Myer?”
I turned a little red—yet again.
“Let’s just say I hope we’ll be together for a long time.”
“I hope so, too.”
Those four words filled me with such happiness I thought I might float right off the sidewalk. I felt as if I had proposed and Tristan had said “yes.”
We walked on to the park in silence. We didn’t need words. We didn’t need anything. This…this was happiness.
Brendan and Casper awaited us by the volle
yball courts. Brendan held a football in one hand, idling tossing it into the air and catching it. I was a talented football player, but Brendan…he was a football god. I seriously wouldn’t be surprised if he ended up in the NFL.
The weather was on the chilly side. Casper was wearing a blue-plaid flannel shirt over his t-shirt, and Brendan was wearing a red IU sweatshirt. Tristan had his long-sleeved pullover. I was the only one dumb enough to wear only a t-shirt. My arms were chilly, but I figured I’d warm up when we began to play. At least, I was wearing jeans like everyone else.
Marc showed up soon, smiling and cheerful. He had dressed for the cool weather too—sweat pants and a forest-green, long-sleeved shirt that set off his blond hair. Nate arrived three minutes later. He gave Tristan a smile and nod and said “hey” to everyone. I didn’t feel quite so stupid after Nate arrived. He was wearing a muscle shirt that completely left his arms bare. He had nicely muscled arms. I experienced a momentary flash of jealousy, but then I reminded myself there was nothing going on between Tristan and Nate beyond friendship. I made it a point to be nice to Nate.
“So, how do we play?” Tristan asked. “Is this like flag football in gym?”
“Pretty much,” Brendan said. “When the other team has possession, just try to grab the flag of whoever has the ball. When your team has the ball, try to keep the other team from doing the same. The quarterback will call the plays, but there’s only so much you can do with so few players.”
“I can handle that,” Tristan said.
I began to feel a little uneasy. Tristan wasn’t the athletic type. What if he got hurt? No one was going to hurt anyone else on purpose, but accidents happened. What if Nate plowed into Tristan and broke his glasses? What if Brendan fell on Tristan?
I can’t believe it. I sound like someone’s mother.
What was I worrying about? This was flag football. Tristan wasn’t a jock, but that didn’t mean he was a weakling. He was a lot bigger than Casper, and I wasn’t worried about Casper.
You’re not in love with Casper, either.
I smiled. Was this what love did? It wasn’t a bad price to pay. I was being ridiculous, anyway. Tristan was not made of glass. If he did get hurt, which wasn’t likely, he’d deal with it like any other guy, and then he’d be okay.
“Okay, how about teams?” Brendan asked.
“I think Brendan and Casper should be on one team and Shawn and Tristan on the other. We shouldn’t split up boyfriends,” Marc said.
“But what about you and me?” Nate asked in a tone that suggested they were a couple, too.
“Oh, you just wish you could land a boyfriend as hot as me,” Marc said.
I wondered about Nate’s sexual orientation. Not long ago, I thought he had something going with Tristan, but I was completely wrong about that. Nate seemed entirely comfortable around gay guys, but that didn’t mean he was gay. In fact, it might mean he was hetero. The guys who were the least comfortable around out gay guys were usually closeted gays or questioning guys who hadn’t figured things out yet. I guess it didn’t matter.
“Which team would you like?” Nate asked.
“I think I should be with Brendan and Casper. You and Brendan are the big guys. That will balance it out.”
No one had a problem with that, so we set up the boundaries and goal lines and prepared to play.
Brendan called the shots for the other team, no surprise there. I deferred to Nate. To be honest, I was a better player, but I wanted to receive some passes.
We won possession on the coin toss. Our plan was for me to break into the clear if possible, then Nate would pass to me. If I couldn’t get into the clear, he’d make a dash for it. Tristan’s job was to keep Casper and Marc busy.
Brendan plowed into me and knocked me on my ass. We were taking it easy since it was flag football, but contact was allowed, at least for blocking. While I was on my butt, Tristan darted past the other team and toward the goal line. Nate passed to him, and I made it to my feet just in time to see Tristan catch the ball and race across the line with Marc hot on his heels. My mouth dropped open. Here I thought I was the jock in our relationship.
Tristan grinned. Brendan and Nate just gaped at him, as if they couldn’t believe he’d pulled it off.
“I think you guys have a secret weapon. You should go out for football this fall, Tristan.”
“I don’t think so. I have a feeling football practice would kill me. Besides, that was beginner’s luck. I have an incredible store of clumsiness I haven’t begun to tap yet.”
No one scored for the next fifteen minutes or so. Brendan and Nate couldn’t seem to get past each other. There were tons of incomplete passes. Casper and Marc were a menace. They might not be football players, but they were fast. I thought I might repeat Tristan’s performance when I broke into the clear and caught the ball, but Casper nabbed my flag about two seconds later. I didn’t even see him coming.
Brendan intercepted the next pass, and this time he did get past Nate, as well as Tristan and me. He tied up the score.
Nate faked a pass to Tristan on our next play and then tried to maneuver his way down the field. Casper and Marc were all over him, and Brendan was coming in for the kill. Nate made a short pass to me, and I tore off toward the goal line. This time, I could hear Casper coming up behind me and closing fast. I sprinted and scored!
We played for another half hour, but I was the last to score, which meant our team won!
After the game, we all headed across the street to Ofarim’s for something hot to drink. All that running around had warmed me up, but my arms were chilled, and the warmth of the restaurant was welcome.
We all squeezed into one booth. I was wedged between Tristan and Marc. My boyfriend and my almost-boyfriend were getting along wonderfully. I guess that shouldn’t have surprised me, but I was relieved nonetheless.
I’d joked around with Nate during the game and had dropped all pretense of hostility toward him. He seemed to have forgiven me for being an ass before.
Scotty approached our table with menus, but we all ordered hot chocolate, except for Nate, who ordered coffee. Scotty was a sophomore at VHS. I worked with him in Ofarim’s occasionally, but he was mostly there when I wasn’t. He had a good sense of humor, so I enjoyed those times we were waiting tables together.
“You’re sure you don’t want to go out for football this fall?” Nate asked Tristan as we waited on our drinks.
“No, thanks. I’ll leave football to Shawn.”
“Yeah, it might be embarrassing for Shawn if you end up being a better player,” Brendan said mischievously. “You definitely outdid him today.”
“Hey! I scored a goal, too, if you remember. I believe that’s how our team kicked your butt.”
“Yeah, but that catch was beautiful. If you want to give up that whole studious persona and become a jock, I think you can handle it, Tristan.”
“Yeah, right! If the practices didn’t kill me, I’m sure the first game would. No, thank you. I did have fun playing today, though. We should do this again. I’m glad Shawn talked me into it. I wasn’t exactly eager.”
“Not eager to play football?” Nate asked. “And I thought you were smart.”
“If Shawn and I hadn’t cut a deal, I wouldn’t have played today.”
“What deal?” Brendan asked. “Was it something sexual?”
“You’re getting as bad as Brandon and Jon,” Marc said.
“No, it wasn’t sexual. I agreed to give football a try if Shawn would read a book.”
I suddenly felt somewhat embarrassed, although I’m not sure why.
“So what are you reading, Shawn?” Marc asked. “War & Peace or The Little Engine That Could?”
“Something in between, smart ass, a biography of Alexander the Great.”
“I’ve read three books on him,” Brendan said. “He’s fascinating.”
Brendan read about Alexander the Great?
“Yeah, he was a homo like you. It figures you’d
be into him,” Nate said.
Casper pelted Nate with a wadded-up napkin.
“Chill. I’m just kidding. I did a World Civ report on him. I think I might be Alexander reincarnated.”
“You wish,” said Brendan.
Maybe I was going to have to adjust my ideas about jocks. I never really thought of Brendan and Nate having interests beyond sports. Brendan had read three books on Alexander? That couldn’t have all been for school. Maybe I was the only dumb jock. I definitely wanted to give this reading thing a try.
Our drinks arrived. I think I enjoyed holding the warm mug as much as I did drinking the hot chocolate. Our conversation turned from Alexander back to football, then to soccer, and then to chocolate-chip cookies, for some reason. It’s kind of weird how conversations move from one topic to another like that. One minute you’re talking about a book report and the next you’re on funerals, not that we talked about funerals as we sat there, but you know what I mean. Weird.
Dane
I was in the VHS restroom near the library when it happened. No, I’m not talking about something like that. Tim and I could use his place now, and restroom sex had never been our thing. Gross! I mean something scary. I’d just rinsed the soap off my hands when I raised my head and cried out. I could see Jacob’s reflection in the mirror! My ghost had followed me to school, and he was standing right behind me! I turned quickly, but he was gone.
“I know it’s big, Dane, but it’s not that scary,” Jon said as he zipped up his pants and walked to the sinks.
“Huh?”
“Hello? Dane? Are you in there?”
“Um, yeah.”
“There’s no point in teasing you if you aren’t going to react,” Jon said.
“Oh, I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“Forget it,” Jon said. “Are you okay?”
“I…um…I guess so.”
“Do you often scream in the boys’ restroom for no reason?”
“I just…thought I saw something in the mirror. It freaked me out.”
“O-k-a-y,” Jon said as if I was a mental patient. “Are the leprechauns after you again?”
“Funny.”
I walked back out into the hallway. I had not imagined it. I’d seen Jacob standing behind me wearing his VHS letterman’s jacket. He looked more real than ever. I could almost have mistaken him for just another student, except his face was still slightly discolored, and he looked a bit out of place and time. His clothes were just a little off. His jacket, for instance. It was similar yet not the same as those worn by the jocks at VHS nowadays.