by M. S. Parker
Would he expect me to sleep with him if I went back?
Did I want to sleep with him?
That shouldn’t be a confusing thing, but it was. It was even more confusing now than it had been before he touched me, too. Once he touched me and made me feel all those…wow…feelings, it’d made things worse, because suddenly, I was wondering if maybe I could be normal. What would happen if I slept with him? Nothing with him had been anything like it had been the other times. So, wouldn’t things be different if I tried to have sex with him?
But if I failed…
These were the things that had kept me up at night, and on the rare occasion I had fallen asleep, nightmares about Chad had woken me up.
I’d known Chad back when I was still attending school at Texas A&M. To say things hadn’t been pleasant was putting it mildly and I didn’t like to think about that time – at all.
Who would?
Considering everything that had happened, nobody sane would enjoy reminiscing.
I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing Chad, or anybody else from that school.
Coming to a stop in front of Michelle and Jake’s door, I tightened my hands on the salad bowl and tried to put everything out of my mind. Thinking about it now was just crazy. If I kept this up, Michelle or Jake would notice something, and that was the last thing I needed.
After one last look at the salad I’d put together, I knocked on the door. Michelle told me I didn’t need to bring anything, but I had insisted, and she had finally said a salad would go great with the steaks she had planned.
At the time, a steak had sounded divine. I hadn’t had a good steak in a long time, but now I was wondering if I’d be able to eat at all.
Michelle opened the door and greeted me with a big smile and a kiss on the cheek. “Let me take this,” she said, grasping the bowl and tugging it from my hands.
As I came inside, Jake appeared in the doorway of the kitchen. He grinned at me and came over, greeting me with a quick hug. Warmth unfurled in me at the casual affection.
My brother. I still didn’t know what to think about that. I knew I loved it.
But beyond that? It was just so mind-boggling. I’d spent so much of my life being…alone. Even before this chasm had formed between my mother and me, I’d felt more like an afterthought in her life.
It wasn’t that she didn’t love me. I knew she did. But I also knew I was an inconvenience; she hadn’t planned on having a baby. Now that I was an adult, I was just another person she could use.
Mom had called twice, leaving messages for me. I hadn’t called her back.
I didn’t want to listen to more requests for money, and I wasn’t ready to share Jake with her yet. I was greedy about him right now.
Besides, her interest in him would only be superficial. The main reason she even called was for the money anyway, although right now, I couldn’t fault her for it. I had a brother. Sometimes it made me feel generous enough that I almost thought about giving her the money she wanted.
But I barely had it to spare.
“You look tired,” Jake said as he pulled away.
“Oh, it’s just been a busy week at work,” I hedged, pasting a smile on my face. I knew how to fake my way through just about anything, and he studied me for another moment before nodding and pulling back.
“You’re not working full time while you go to school, are you?” he asked.
“No.” I grimaced and added, “I would if my class load would let me, but my courses are pretty intense.”
He gestured for me to follow him into the kitchen, and I joined him at the island where he appeared to be slicing up potatoes. “Michelle says you’re going to school for forensic accounting. What’s that like?”
“Depends on the class.” With a shrug, I slid my coat off and looked around, wondering where to put it. “Some of the classes are boring as hell. I’m almost done with the basic accounting classes, but those about put me to sleep. Others…? They’re fascinating.”
“Here, I can take your coat,” Michelle said, putting the salad in the fridge. “I’m just on standby until it’s time to cook the steak.” She winked at me and took the coat. “We’re reversed in this house. Jake can cook almost anything, but anytime he tries to make a steak, it’s tougher than shoe leather.”
“You can’t really be a Texan.” I turned my eyes to him.
He held up his hands. “Hey, I’m a New Yorker now.”
“With that accent?” I teased, surprised at how natural it felt to do so.
“I wouldn’t be talking about accents if I were you.” He winked at me, pointing his knife at me before returning to the task of chopping up potatoes. “What can I say? I was…otherwise engaged during the formative years when I should have learned important things, like how to make steak and all that.”
Whatever response I might have had died on my tongue as I recalled just how he’d been engaged. Being in prison. For something he hadn’t done. I looked away hurriedly before he saw anything on my face, but it was too late.
“Hey.” I glanced up at Jake to see him watching me with knowing eyes. “Don’t look like that,” he said, giving me a smile. “It’s over and done. And even if I could go back and change things…I don’t know if I would.”
I stared at him. “You wouldn’t?”
“Oh, if I could have my mom back…” He sighed, shaking his head. His gaze returned to the task at hand, and I watched as he scooped up the potatoes into a colander to wash them. He kept speaking as he washed. “It’s a hard thing to think about. I can’t bring her back, and I know that. But the road all that put me on led me to Michelle. I wouldn’t give her up for anything.”
Michelle moved to stand behind him, sliding her arms around his waist and dropping a kiss onto his cheek. “Same here, handsome.”
It was an intimate moment, and I stared at my hands until it seemed to pass.
They had a lot of those moments, something I couldn’t help but envy.
Michelle was the one to break away, and she met my eyes, smiling as she offered me some wine.
“I probably shouldn’t,” I said, despite the longing I felt inside. “I just might fall asleep.”
“Then you fall asleep. If you need it that bad, then you must really need it,” she said, unconcerned. She moved to the fridge and pulled a bottle out. “It will keep me from drinking alone. He won’t touch a drop until the food is done anyway, and I’m dying to try this new red out.”
After much coaxing from Michelle and Jake, the two of us retreated into the living room, and I sat curled across from her with the glass of wine in my hand, my feet tucked under me.
“You really do look tired. Are you sure it’s just work?” Michelle asked.
“I…” Glancing past her, I eyed the doorway to the kitchen and finally confessed, “I’m having trouble sleeping.”
Propping her chin on her hand, Michelle sipped at her wine before asking, “Any idea why?”
Oh, yes…
A laugh bubbled in my throat, but I swallowed it back. If I started laughing, I might just end up crying.
“Things between you and Jake…they seem so…easy,” I said, instead of answering.
“They weren’t always.” She shrugged, looking down into her glass. “You wouldn’t believe the mess I was before I found him.”
“What do you mean?”
A touch of color pinkened her cheeks, and she glanced past me, her gaze lingering on the doorway to the kitchen for a long moment before she finally looked back at me. “That’s a long, long story. Let’s just suffice it to say that Jake just…got me.”
“How?” I persisted.
“In every way a man can possibly get a woman,” she said, lifting one shoulder in a shrug. “He’s my best friend. I can tell him anything. He can tell me anything. But…it’s not just that. He changed things for me. I’d been out on dates before him. Not a lot, but…” She huffed out a breath, then got up.
I frowned at her
as she came and sat close to me. She wasn’t so close I could say she was intruding on my space, but she was a lot closer than she had been.
“Just how personal do you want to get here?”
The question took me aback. “What do you mean?”
Michelle lifted a shoulder. “I’ve just got…well, some unpleasant things in my past and Jake helped me work past them. We’re where we are now because of that, because he cared enough and because I trusted him.”
It was an odd, awkward start to any conversation, and part of me wanted to bow out of it. But the rest of me…
“What kind of things?”
“I was assaulted when I was younger,” she said in a matter-of-fact tone. “Up until Jake, I couldn’t really trust a guy.” She rolled her eyes. “I’m not talking sexual healing or anything…” She paused, winking at me. “I’m sure you want to hear that about your brother. But it wasn’t that. Jake just…cared. That’s what it takes.”
A breath escaped me as I stared at her, saying words that resonated inside me in ways I couldn’t explain. He cared.
“I can’t be with guys,” I blurted out, the words escaping me in a rush, squeezing out of a throat gone tight. “I’m not…I’m not normal. Not like that.”
Michelle’s eyes widened, then softened. I tensed as she leaned in and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Honey, don’t say that. You damn well are normal.”
She didn’t push for details, but I felt an odd need to talk. Shooting a look toward the door where I could hear Jake moving around, I bit my lip and finally met her eyes once more. “But I’m not,” I whispered. “I’ve gone out with guys, tried to be with them. There was this one…Michelle, I really liked him, and we went out, and I thought things were going to be fine, but he touched me and…”
She caught my hands before I could vault up off the couch.
She quirked up a brow. “Did it ever occur to you that maybe he was doing things wrong?” I opened my mouth, then closed it. “Is that a no?” she asked gently. When I didn’t answer, she squeezed my fingers gently. “It’s a two-party thing, sweetheart. If you weren’t ready and he was trying to push you, then that’s on him. A good guy knows when it’s time and when the woman isn’t quite ready.”
I thought about Kane and how he had been able to make me feel, and without realizing it, I started to smile.
“What?” Michelle asked.
I blinked at her, confused. “What what?”
“That smile.” She pointed at me, her eyes narrowed. “That’s…what’s with that smile?”
“I…” Biting my lip, I squirmed uncomfortably on the couch and glanced around, but there wasn’t a polite escape route, and part of me wanted to talk about this – what if it wasn’t me? “There was this one guy. He…um…well. I felt almost normal with him.”
“Almost normal?” Michelle quoted. “As in…he turned you on?”
Blood rushed to my face, and I cursed my pale complexion, the bane of many a redhead. “Um…”
“He did more, didn’t he?” Michelle’s face lit with a grin, and she huddled in closer like we were sharing secrets. “See! I told you it wasn’t you! Who is it? It happened here? In New York?”
“Ah…yeah.” Shrugging, I said, “It’s just this guy I know.” I hedged away from sharing just who it was. I didn’t know how either of them would feel if they knew there might be something between Kane and me. Were there rules to this family thing? Yet another thing I didn’t know.
“Are you dating?” she asked, eyes rounding.
“No!” I blurted it out without thinking how it sounded. Trying to cover my embarrassment, I added, “We just met. I mean…oh, shit. That sounds even worse.”
“Honey…” Laughing, Michelle leaned over and hugged me. “If he’s helping you get over some bad experiences, then you need to go after him. He’s probably good for you.” She shrugged and glanced back over her shoulder. “Jake was good for me.”
As if on cue, Jake called for Michelle, and she grimaced. “That’s my cue.” She stood up but held out a hand.
“What?” I asked warily.
“You’re coming with me,” she announced calmly. “I don’t want you bolting when you start thinking about the fact that you opened up and suddenly get embarrassed.”
“I…” Abruptly, it hit me what I’d been talking about – and with who. Shooting a look at the door, I thought about doing just what she mentioned.
Bolting.
But she stood there, hand outstretched and eyes patient.
She had trusted me enough to talk.
Maybe the girl-guy thing wasn’t the only thing that was two-party.
Slowly, I put my hand in hers and let her help me get to my feet.
She looped our arms together. “It’s nice having a girl to talk to about this,” she said, leaning her head in closer to mine. “It’s not something you talk about with just the casual friend, you know? But you and me…Raye, it’s almost like we’re sisters.”
That didn’t really hit me until I sat down.
And then, I felt a little dazed over what she’d just said.
Almost like we’re sisters.
And…
It’s nice having a girl to talk to about this.
That was something I’d never had.
And it was something I was starting to realize I desperately needed.
Eighteen
Kane
“Hand me that wrench – no. That’s not a wrench…to the left. Yep.” I smiled at Austen as he turned the tool over and got back to work on the car that had come in late in the afternoon.
Mom had asked if I’d mind letting him come over and help at the shop on Fridays and the weekends, trying to keep him out of trouble. I didn’t mind, per se, but he wanted a job. One that paid. And he knew jackshit about cars.
So far, he hadn’t been able to help with much except empty garbage and clean up my messes.
Of course, that was shit I hadn’t had to do, so maybe it would work out, and I could always teach him.
It wasn’t like I’d been born knowing one end of the engine from the other.
“Come over here and watch what I’m doing,” I told him, moving over so he’d have room on the ground next to me.
“You get filthy doing this,” Austen complained, but he sat down anyway.
“That’s why I told you to wear old clothes.”
We worked in companionable enough silence – or rather, I worked, and he watched, asking questions from time to time. I pointed things out that made sense to point out, and after a few more minutes, I turned over the wrench to him. “You do the last few, okay?”
He gave me a panicked look. “What if I mess it up?”
Rolling my eyes, I said, “That would be hard. Just do those four, right there.” I pointed and made sure he saw, then rose.
As I headed over to the work table to grab my water, I heard the buzzer in the back.
Frowning, I checked the time, then went to go look. I had a hope it was Raye, but I wasn’t really expecting it to be. After the way she’d run out, I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. It wasn’t like I could call Jake and ask for her number, either. He’d punch my teeth out.
Running my tongue over said teeth, I peered through the small square of glass that served as a window and had to bite back a scowl at the sight of the woman on the other side.
Opening the door, I frowned down at Calie. “It’s not a good time, Calie. I’m busy.”
She touched her tongue to her lips. “We don’t need that much time. We can be fast, baby. Or I could wait until you’re free.”
She slid past me before I could shut the door and I turned, glaring at her.
“I said it wasn’t a good time. That doesn’t mean come inside.”
She shot me a flirtatious look over her shoulder as she sauntered over to one of the cars, then leaned against it. Despite the cold, she wore a denim skirt that barely covered her butt and boots that went up a few inches over her
thighs. As she adjusted her stance against the car, it was pretty obvious she wasn’t wearing panties either.
Yet there was no interest for me. None at all.
“You’re all work and no play anymore, Kane,” she said with a heavy sigh. Shaking her head, she wagged a finger at me. “That’s not good for you. How about you come over here…” She spread her legs, forcing the short excuse for a skirt up. “And play with me for a little while? Burn off some of that stress?”
“I’m not stressed.” At least I hadn’t been until she showed up. Thinking of my kid brother on the other side of the car, I took a step toward her and jutted my chin toward the door. “I’m busy. You need to go.”
“Aw, Kane…you’re no fun.” She came toward me and hooked her arms around my neck.
I didn’t even want to think about what that did to the skirt.
Through her thin sweater, I could feel the weight of her breasts, but still, nothing even remotely interested stirred in me. As a matter of fact, I found myself thinking of Raye with her nervous eyes and sweet mouth. She was a far cry from Calie.
“Let’s have some fun together, you and me, Kane,” Calie whispered, going to press her lips to my mouth.
I jerked my head back, fisting my hand in her hair to keep her from trying to kiss me again.
“Ooohhh… you wanna play it rough?” Her eyes sparked. She grabbed my other hand and tried to shove it between her thighs. “Play rough. Make it hurt, sweetie. I love it.”
Pissed off now, I set her away from me and put a few inches between us – then made it a few feet. “I said no.”
Then I caught sight of my brother who had come out from behind the car we’d been working on. Swearing, I passed a hand over my eyes.
Calie caught sight of where I was looking at she turned. With one hand, she tugged at the hem of her skirt as she smoothed her hair back with the other. “Oh, hi there, honey. Kane, why didn’t you say you had company?” She gave Austen a blinding smile. “Oh, he must be one of your brothers. He looks like you. Aren’t you a cutie.”
She walked over to him, holding out a hand.
Austen took it out of courtesy, manners being something Mom had drilled into all of us.