by Rae Agatha
She nodded and puffed the smoke. He did not see it like that. Cute. Naive. They’re going to be in trouble, she could feel it. Anna looked at him.
“Are you staying for the night or do you need to call your mom?” She said ironically. It was all so surreal for her, she couldn’t be serious about it. He was almost twenty-two. Christ.
“Stop it, Anna, don’t do it,” Brian said seriously.
She looked at him. “Don’t do what?”
“Don’t treat me like that.”
Anna sighed and took an ashtray out of the drawer. She flicked her cigarette.
“I’m sorry. You’re right,” she admitted seriously.
She gave him the ashtray, he flicked his cigarette, too.
“But seriously, tell me, are you going home or staying with me?”
“Can I stay?”
Anna puffed the smoke again and simpered with the corner of her lips.
“Yeah, you can stay,” she said and scrunched what was left of the cigarette in the ashtray. “Come on, Brian, let’s eat something, I’m starving.”
***
Brian and Anna stayed in her apartment all Sunday and she had to admit it was one of the most unusual weekends in her life. They practically never left the bed, nor hardly did they talk. They were not asking each other any inconvenient questions, they did not try to come up with a plan concerning what to do and how to behave next week at the Academy. They basically made love, laughed and smoked. Brian asked her a few questions as far as books and films she had at home were concerned, they talked about the Academy, students and teachers, but nothing more.
On Sunday evening, Anna told him it would be better for him to go home. She didn’t want them to go to the college together. He understood, and they both settled to meet at her place again the next day, after the classes. When Anna closed the door behind him, she looked at her apartment and still couldn’t believe what had gone on there during the last two days. Her bedroom was a mess, the fridge was empty, and the essays were still lying on the sofa, just as she had left them on Saturday, waiting to be checked. Anna called a Chinese bar and ordered some takeaway food, took a shower and got back to checking the writings. She looked at her phone, which was blinking. A text message. A kiss from Brian. Sweet, but kind of unnecessary. She was hesitating if she should write him back, but put away the phone.
Around midnight the essays were checked and Anna decided to go to sleep. Before she turned the night lamp off, she sent Brian a kiss.
V
The next day, Anna was sitting in the teachers’ room waiting for her class to begin. Tom was sitting by the next table, looking at her. She saw it, and was trying not to pay attention to him, but he came up and sat right next to her.
“How was your weekend, Anna?”
“Good.”
“What did you do?”
“I was at home, checking the mid-term essays. How was your weekend?”
“Great, I went to the movies, checked some tests, as well, it was okay.”
“What movie did you see?” She didn’t care at all, but she kind of had a feeling it was better to show Tom some interest. It felt sort of creepy, all those questions, and she had no idea how to explain it.
“Contraband.”
“Was it good?”
“It was all right.”
They sat across from one another giving them nowhere else to look except at each other. Anna took a sip of her tea and felt it was all getting really weird and uncomfortable. Some other teachers walked in and waved toward them.
“So, you were at home all weekend? You did not leave your apartment once?” Tom asked again. His eyes seemed strange, he was very focused, tensely waiting for her answer.
“Tom, why are you asking me all this?”
“We always talk about weekends on Mondays, don’t we?”
“Yes, we talk and not interrogate each other. Sorry, I’ve got to go, my lecture is about to start,” Anna took her bag, the tea and walked outside the teachers’ room. Weirdo. Tom felt kind of different that day, as if he was agitated. She had no idea what this was about, but decided not to think about it any longer. It was the Medal laureates lecture time, Brian time.
Anna walked into the auditorium, and immediately spotted Mr. Grant sitting at his usual place. She looked at him, he nodded to her in a “good morning” style and Anna immediately realized, relieved, that he was not going to behave in any other way than usual. It allowed her to relax a bit as she was seriously worried, post-factum obviously, not knowing him too well, that he would brag to the other students about sleeping with the teacher. The thought appeared in her head literally minutes after she let Brian out of her apartment. At first, she wanted to call him, ask him, warn him not to do that, but she got worried she might hurt his feelings, so she decided to trust him.
“Good morning,” she said firmly and put her things on the desk. The group responded. “I’ve got your essays back, I’d like to give them to you now so we could discuss them, all right?”
She started walking around the auditorium, reading the names out loud and passing people their papers. When it was Brian’s turn to get his work, she came to him, handed him the paper and discreetly looked at his reaction. He got C+. Brian looked at his paper and started reading the comments; no questions about the mark, no disappointed look on his face. Okay. Maybe she did not make a mistake during that weekend, after all.
When the lecture was over, Brian came to her, along with other students who wanted to ask her some questions concerning their essays. He was the last person in line and when he finally got the chance to come closer to her, they were almost alone in the auditorium.
“C+?” He asked, his eyes were smiling.
“Unfortunately, Mr. Grant. The essay did not examine The Dying Animal as thoroughly as I was expecting it,” she replied.
“I see.“ He looked at his paper and put it on her desk. “5 p.m.?” He whispered.
Anna nodded and bit her lip flirtatiously as Brian was leaving the room.
***
The day was over, she was putting her jacket in the locker room and Tom came and asked if she wanted to go for a drink or perhaps to eat something. Anna asked if the department was going, but Tom replied that it was only his invitation. It was weird, he hadn’t given her any of such proposals since she told him months ago he couldn’t count on anything more than being friends. Anna delicately declined, she said she wanted to go home as soon as possible, that she wasn’t feeling well. Tom immediately asked if he could help her in any way, perhaps give her a ride or buy her some medicines. Anna thanked him for the concern but told him she did not need help, she only wanted to go home.
When she appeared in front of her staircase, Brian was already there waiting for her. He wanted to kiss her, but she moved away, opened the staircase door and walked inside. He walked after her. Hardly did they close the door to her apartment when they started undressing each other. They were in such haste, they did not even bother to go to the bedroom, and they just ended up on the floor in the hallway.
The next day, Tom asked Anna how she was feeling and at first she had no idea what he was talking about, but she recalled their conversation from the day before, thanked him for the concern and told him she was doing much better. Tom looked at her and told her she had changed, that there was something different about her. She had no idea what to say.
VI
During the next month, Anna and Brian would regularly meet at her place, have sex and just spend time together, getting to know each other. Brian told her about his family, his parents and sister, Anna told him about the childhood she spent with three different foster families. She had a step-brother, Darren, who was four years older than her. When her parents died in a plane crash, Darren’s family took him and left the States for Europe and they got separated when she was three and he was seven. She wasn’t even sure if he was alive, he was sick; severe cystic fibrosis, the doctors kept on saying that a lung transplant was necessary to sa
ve his life. His family did not want to take care of her, because her mother left Darren’s father and was blamed by the ex-parents-in-law for making their son’s life miserable. Also, they did not acknowledge Anna as their granddaughter. Darren’s dad and his new wife did not feel like raising a child that was the consequence of his wife’s infidelity and so Anna was left on her own.
“You should meet my family, Anna. They would love you.”
“Would they?” She asked surprised. She did not feel like meeting anyone, besides what was he talking about? They had been together for a month – actually, it was even difficult to call it a relationship, and he was talking about meeting his family.
They worked out a certain pattern. During the day they would pretend they did not know each other, apart from that one time, they had a secret, sexy rendezvous near the janitors’ room, early in the morning, when the building was almost entirely empty. However, apart from that one time, nothing different than in any other teacher-student contact took place between them. In the afternoon, he would come to her and then at night he would leave so they wouldn’t go to the Academy together. Anna once asked him why they always met at her place; he said it was because he still lived with his parents. The answer killed her. He was almost twenty-two. Jesus.
At one point, Brian told her, looking through the window, that a Ford Taurus, very similar to the one Tom Miller used, was regularly parked near her home, on the opposite side of the street. Anna did not care about that, she said there were plenty of such cars in the city, besides, her thoughts were circulating around unbuttoning his shirt, and they did not return to the topic.
On Veterans Day Brian came to her place and prepared dinner. He had keys to her apartment and wanted to make her a surprise. Anna loved it. Brian asked her to go away with him for a Thanksgiving weekend and she asked him if he wouldn’t prefer spending the time with his family; he said he wanted to spend the time with her.
At work, Anna was getting sick and tired of Tom, who was regularly asking her to go out with him. It was becoming disturbing. She kept on telling him to leave her alone, that she did not feel like spending time with him outside work, but he would always come back, like a boomerang, and keep on asking her about that, or about her weekends, or about her evenings. She felt she was being regularly interrogated. Anna also did not appreciate the way Tom would sometimes look at her. A few times she had a feeling that he was looking at her with anger or detest. Or both.
One day when they were both in the cafeteria, Tom asked Anna if she was seeing anybody. At first, she wanted to tell him it wasn’t his goddamn business, but she thought that saying yes might have taken his attention off her, so she admitted she was. Tom asked if it was anyone he knew. She denied it. It felt odd, not only because Tom had been overly interested in her life, but it occurred to Anna that it was really difficult to say if she, in fact, was seeing someone or not. Of course, yes, she was seeing Brian, but it would be problematic to say if they were a couple. Normal couples, in normal relationships, would not behave like them; hiding in one’s apartment and then sneaking out of it in the middle of the night, pretending not to know each other. Anna had thought of that in such way for the first time and it hurt her. She told herself she had to grin and bear it until May and then it would all be easier.
Anna and Brian decided to spend Thanksgiving at his family’s small house by the beach in a coastal resort town in Maine. The weather was far from perfect, but they managed to walk around the area a bit, and during that time, they kissed and hugged publically, just like any normal, ordinary couple would. It felt wonderful not to be worried that they might be spotted by anyone, for the first time they felt free, which was exactly what they needed as they both felt they were suffocating with the constant hiding and secret meetings.
In the evening, when they were sitting on the beach, on a blanket, looking at the quite unsteady ocean, Brian told Anna he loved her. She froze having absolutely no idea what to tell him. She wasn’t ready for that kind of declarations and, frankly speaking, she wasn’t sure if this was what she even wanted. Anna was enjoying spending time with Brian, but it was all too fresh and too chaotic for her to call it love. Anna looked at him confused, a bit embarrassed and only smiled sadly. She enjoyed the fact that he would come to her, that he wanted her to be happy, that he cared, but because it was all rather a substitute of the relationship, a hybrid resembling one every day from 5 to 11 p.m. and sometimes during the weekends, she never thought of taking it to such serious level as revealing one’s feelings. He understood her silence, kissed her forehead and lay on the blanket to watch the stars. Anna lay next to him.
In December, Brian once again mentioned his family and how he would love Anna to meet them during Christmas. They were sitting at her place, preparing a salad for dinner.
“Brian, we’ve been through this,“ Anna said while chopping onion.
“I know, but I thought that perhaps you changed your mind.”
“No, I haven’t. I’m sorry.”
“It’s just that my mom’s been wondering where I go every day and she asked me if I had a girlfriend.”
Anna stopped chopping and looked at him, “And what did you say?”
“That yes, I have a girlfriend. And now my parents want to meet you.”
“Brian,” Anna said and threw the chopped onion into the bowl with the rest of the vegetables. “How would you describe what we’re having here?”
“What do you mean?” He asked surprised. “We’re together, aren’t we?”
“Exactly how are we together?”
Brian clearly had no idea what she was talking about.
“It’s all really simple for you, I can tell. Well, good, I envy you that.”
“What is your problem?” He asked and came closer to her.
“Brian, we’re not functioning like a normal, statistical couple, like a normal boyfriend and girlfriend, okay? Look at us.”
“Okay, I know, but the winter term is almost over. Only a few more months and we’ll be able to behave normally.”
Anna looked at him, dried her hands with a paper towel and sat by the table. “I don’t know, Brian, I’m not sure.”
He sat right next to her and reached out his hand toward her, she touched it. “Brian, look around you. We’re having some fun here, but it’s really difficult to call it a relationship.”
“Like I said, it’s a matter of a few more months –“
“Yes, I know, but – Brian, I’m not sure if this kind of relationship is what I want.”
“What do you mean?” He was tense.
“I mean that perhaps we ought to think about me meeting your parents once we get a chance to build something normal here, what do you think?”
Brian got up and came back to chopping vegetables, “Sure, we’ll do as you wish. As always.”
“What do you mean as always?”
“I mean everything we’ve been doing is on your conditions: when we meet, where we meet, how often we meet, pretending not to know each other outside your apartment. Guess one more thing won’t make any big difference.”
“Brian, I have a lot of things at risk here, okay?”
“Have you heard of any case of an Academy teacher being fired because of a romance with a student?”
“No, I haven’t, but it’s not like I’ve had any investigation going on, you know? I don’t go around asking people questions if they heard if anyone was fired for sleeping with a student and I certainly don’t ask around if people have had similar experience.”
“I mean, I am looking forward to us living as a normal couple, too. I’d like you to meet my friends, I’d like to walk around the city holding hands, I want that, too. The situation is not inconvenient only for you,” he was saying softly.
“Okay, all right. I know, it’s difficult for both of us, but let’s wait for the academic year to end, what do you think? And then we’ll see.”
“All right.”
VII
Despite wh
at they established, Brian persuaded Anna to come to his parents on Christmas Day. She wasn’t convinced to it at all, but his words about how everything between them would revolve around her needs, fears and expectations hurt her a bit; she did not want things to look like that. When Brian asked her to have Christmas dinner with his family, she agreed, although she wasn’t too happy about it.
At first, Anna was afraid his parents would judge her by her age, focus on the teacher-student relationship between them. Then, she thought she did not really care that much about their opinion, if they don’t like it, so be it, but she felt sorry for Brian if things would turn out that way. It was obvious that he valued his parents’ opinion, and their potential rejection would, most probably, hurt him.
Brian picked Anna up and they drove to his parents in Reading. As they got out of the car and were walking toward the house, Brian had a feeling he saw the red Ford Taurus again, parked on the opposite side of the street. He pointed it out to Anna as they were waiting for the doors to be open, and once she spotted the car, she felt very unpleasant, cold chill down her spine. Tom. She knew it was him. What were the odds he had someone to visit in Reading, too? In exactly the same area? On exactly the same day? Anna wanted to walk toward the Taurus, not sure why she would do that, but she somehow needed to confront him, to expose him. She recalled Brian’s words from over a month ago, when he pointed out that the car was regularly parked opposite her street. Was Tom spying on her? Was that the reason he kept on asking her about her life, about her relationship?