by Rae Agatha
She was about to move toward the Taurus when the door opened and Brian’s parents invited them inside. Anna smiled but before walking in, she glanced at the car one more time. Son of a bitch.
“Hi, nice to meet you, my name’s Karen,” Brian’s mother greeted Anna.
“How do you do, Anna,” she replied and shook her hand. She was hoping her disturbance was not visible.
“Jack Grant,” Brian’s father replied and took her coat.
“Hello,” she gave him the coat and shook his hand as well. Brian hung his jacket on the coat hanger and picked up two small gift bags.
“Merry Christmas!” He said joyfully and handed the presents to Karen and Jack.
“Oh my, Brian, thank you so much,” Karen beamed and hugged her son.
“It’s from me and Anna, we hope you enjoy it,” he replied. Anna smiled but immediately spotted that Karen’s face changed a bit; she wasn’t too happy to know the gift was also from her.
“How lovely of you, too bad we didn’t think of getting you any present, Anna, so sorry, but Brian wasn’t even sure if you were coming to see us,” Karen said visibly embarrassed.
“It’s okay, no problem,” Anna said waving her hand in “nothing happened” gesture.
“What do you mean, Mom, I told you four days ago that Anna was coming,” Brian said. He seemed disconcerted.
“It’s okay, Brian, really,” Anna said. “Jack, Karen, I hope you enjoy the little gift.”
“I’m sure we do,” Jack replied and asked them to walk into the dining room. The house wasn’t too big, it was a bungalow with a spacious living and dining rooms, and three bedrooms at the back.
“Would you like to go for a tour?” Jack asked.
“Um, sure, that’d be lovely,” Anna replied.
“Ooh, look at this, Jack,” Karen said while taking a Woody Allen Blu-Ray collection and a bottle of wine out from the gift bags.
“Brian said you enjoy Woody Allen, so I figured,“ Anna said smiling.
“No, it’s lovely, a great idea, really,” Karen said. “Jake, put it next to the other collections, will you? And pour some wine to the glasses, I’ll take Anna for the tour.” She handed Jack the movies and Anna spotted they already had a quite impressive Woody Allen collection. Oh well.
Anna followed Karen and she started showing her the house. Karen mentioned the renovation that took place two years back and how Brian and his sister, Mary, who was in Canada visiting her boyfriend’s parents, used to drive them both crazy as kind, arguing about everything, no matter if it was Sunday morning or Wednesday evening, so when they were still kids, they decided to divide the bedroom they shared into two smaller ones, a solution that turned out to be salutary for the whole family. Karen asked Anna to walk to the back of the house with her and she turned the light on in one of the bedrooms. Anna immediately spotted The Boston Bruins’ team poster with autographs, neatly framed in glass, hanging above the computer. It was Brian’s room.
“He managed to collect autographs of almost every player that season,” Karen said. “It’s one of the most precious things he has,” she added.
Anna realized that until that time she had no idea Brian liked hockey. He must have missed half of the season by coming to her almost every evening. She knew he liked sport, that he was a runner, getting ready for the Boston marathon, but Anna was not aware of the hockey fascination.
“That’s great,” she smiled, looked at Karen and then at the rest of the room. This was a room of a young man, who was a teenager not too long ago. There were TV shows posters on the walls, a “keep out” sign on the door, a Boston Bruins’ goalie mask on the desk, some culture-study books, for studies, apparently. On the wall above the bed there was a big map of the world with small flags pinned to it, marking the places where Brian either had been or wanted to go. Anna knew why his mother wanted to show her all this; Karen wanted Anna to realize something that she had been deliberately pushing away from her for some months now.
“He doesn’t spend much time here nowadays, as I understand you know, but Jack and I decided not to touch anything until he officially moves out. You know he wants to travel to South America when he finishes college? Or Australia. Guess he hasn’t made up his mind yet, but he says he needs to search for what he wants, needs to find out who he is. He’s been saving money for the trip for almost two years now, that is why he lives with us during the studies, so he doesn’t need to spend money and rent anything in the city,” Karen said.
“No, I did not know that,” Anna admitted. She had no idea. During their little love affair, they hadn’t talked about such serious matters as traveling or voluntary work, or finding out what their destinies were.
Anna had passed that time, she knew who she was, what she wanted, she did not need to travel around the world to discover it. Standing there in Brian’s bedroom it occurred to her with the whole might, that the ten years’ age difference that was between them was actually as big as the Colorado Canyon and there was no point denying it. Traveling to South America? Australia? Chasing one’s dreams on the other side of the globe? She was thirty-two, she had been single for some time before meeting Brian, and as much as she would try to deny it, somewhere, at the back of her head, she was wondering if there would ever be a chance for her to start a family, to have children. She realized that if she was to pursue such plans with Brian, she would have shattered his dreams, his plans. Provided he would even consider such option. The pretty, intelligent, green-eyed boy.
Karen was looking at her and Anna knew that Brian’s mother was reading her mind. This was her plan right from the beginning. That was the reason why she wanted to meet her; she wanted Anna to realize that the relationship with her son had no future. Karen knew that Anna was understanding, and if she was a bit lucky, the teacher might have even been coming to terms with the facts right there, at that moment, standing with her in that bedroom.
“Anna, where are you?” Brian called from the front of the house.
Anna turned around and smiled at him. “I’m getting to know your room. Had no idea you liked the Bruins so much.”
“Oh, yeah,” he came and laughed. “Oh come on, Mom, wasn’t there anything else you could have shown Anna?”
“No, no, it’s okay, I’m glad I’ve seen it,” Anna said and looked at Karen.
“Okay, come on, let’s eat something, I’m starving.”
Karen turned the light off and went with them to the living room. Everything was set, Jack was sitting by the table, waiting for everyone.
“You’ve got a lovely house,” Anna said while taking her seat.
“Thank you, Anna, we’ve been living here practically our whole lives, doing only some renovations from time to time,” Jack replied while putting potato puree on his plate. “So, Anna, tell us what do you do?”
“I’m a college teacher,“ Anna said.
“Yes, that we know,” Karen interrupted. “Son, pass me the cranberries, will you?”
“What do you teach?” Jack continued. Anna looked discreetly at Brian’s mother, wondering if she knew that, too, but she was busy putting food on her plate. Brian took a sip of wine, he looked a bit tense, or perhaps it was Anna projecting her feelings on him, it was difficult to say.
“Literature, academic and creative writing.”
“Oh, I see,” Jack said while eating.
“You teach Brian, I understand?” Karen asked.
“Well - yes. Although that’s actually a funny coincidence. I teach the lectures that Brian attends because my friend who usually does that quit her job this year and Brian came to the first lecture by mistake.”
“By mistake?” Jack looked surprised.
“Yes,” Brian replied, “I got confused looking at the timetable and I went to Anna’s lecture expecting it to be something different,” he laughed.
“Oh, I bet it turned out different on many levels,” Karen said and Jack laughed.
“Do you have any family, Anna?” Karen asked.
“Mom, what is this, “Twenty Questions?” Brian asked.
“I just want to know something about my son’s girlfriend, I’m sorry Anna, am I making you uncomfortable?” Karen replied.
“No, not at all, it’s okay, Brian.” Anna put her hand on Brian’s lap. I don’t really have a family, my parents are dead, my step-brother might be dead, too, I don’t know, I haven’t seen him since I was three years old and he was quite severely sick back then.”
“That’s horrible, so sorry to hear that,” Jack said.
“It’s okay, I’m doing fine, thank you.”
Anna drank some wine and started eating her dinner. She looked ahead and realized she was sitting opposite a big living room window, she could see the street through it. It made her think of Tom and she immediately felt the unpleasant chill down her spine again.
“So, Brian, how are the preparations to the marathon going?” Jack asked.
“Oh, great, I’m really happy with it. I’ve been running four times a week minimum, the marathon distance once a week, my coach says I am more ready with every month.”
“I’ve never run a marathon yet, the spring one is going to be my first,” Brian added looking at Anna.
“And have you started preparing things for Costa Rica?” Karen asked.
“Oh, no, not yet-“
“Brian’s thinking of going to Costa Rica to teach English there during summer,” Karen explained to Anna when she saw her surprise.
“Oh, that’s great,” Anna said. “Sounds exiting.”
“No, Mom, I haven’t started any preparations yet, there’s still time for it, besides – I’m not even sure if I’m going to go, really,” he added quietly.
“Why not?” Karen asked surprised.
“We – We’ll see what happens,” Brian said and looked at Anna.
“It’s a great opportunity to get to know a different culture, to earn money and save it for the trip,” Jack added while chewing a chunk of turkey.
“No, sure, it’s a great idea, it’s just that I haven’t started all the paperwork yet,” Brian replied.
“Well, it’d be a pity if you resigned,” Karen said.
“Mom, I’m not resigning, I only said I haven’t started the paperwork yet.”
Anna was looking at all this and thought that for one thing she was glad she didn’t have a family, such conversations had always seemed pointless in her opinion, and it was great not having people interfering with her plans and ideas for life, and not having anyone to explain herself to. The other thing was that she knew that Brian was thinking of changing his summer plans because of her; he wanted to spend the summer with her, to quit his plans for her. Anna did not like it, it made her think she was standing in the way.
The rest of the evening was quite pleasant. It was obvious Brian’s parents were reserved toward Anna, she wasn’t sure if it was because of the age difference, the notion that she was distracting him from pursuing his dreams and ideas, the fact that she was his teacher, or if it was all of it at once. Anna understood where they were both coming from, she knew they were simply worried that their son had found himself in a relationship with no future, with far too many obstacles for it to work out, and, to be honest, she couldn’t blame them. They were trying to protect him. Anna was glad she came to visit them, the whole meeting gave her a completely new perspective, shed a new light on the relationship she herself felt quite reserved toward in the beginning. She did succumb to it, but perhaps it was time to wake up, to let it go.
They drank some more wine, exchanged some fun anecdotes about each other, ate some dessert and Anna and Brian were leaving. Jack and Karen hugged them, they wished each other Merry Christmas again and they left Brian’s family home. The very first thing Anna did when they were outside was to look for the Taurus, but it wasn’t anywhere near. Relieved, she thought she had a few more days of Christmas break before going back to work, so she still had some time to prepare herself to confront Tom. They walked toward Brian’s car and went to her apartment. Nobody said anything on the way.
***
When they got to Anna’s place, she set the kettle for some tea and started changing her clothes. While she was unzipping the dress, Brian got behind her, started unzipping it himself and kissing her neck. She turned around and shook her head.
“Don’t do that, I’m not in the mood.”
“Okay,” he replied looking at her.
“What?”
“No, nothing,” he said and started unlacing his shoes. She walked to the kitchen.
“You want some tea or coffee?”
“Yeah, tea would be good.”
“Okay, come here, we need to talk.”
Anna poured boiling water into two cups and put them on the table. She sat on the chair opposite the kitchen door and was waiting for Brian to come while dipping her teabag. He came and sat on the chair next to hers.
“Is this about the dinner?” Brian asked.
“I think we need to talk,” she said seriously. Anna supported her head on her hand and looked at him. “It’s not going to work out.”
“What is not going to work out?”
“This,” she pointed her finger at him and her. “Us. It’s not going to work out.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Why are you saying this?” he asked nervously.
“Brian, calm down,” she replied quite surprised by her own composure.
“What did she tell you? My mother? What did she say when you were in my bedroom?”
“She didn’t have to say much, Brian, she only helped me realize some things.”
“Like what?”
“Like the fact that we need to break up.”
“Oh, come on, Anna,” he got up rapidly, his mug shook a bit and some drops of his tea fell on the table. Anna stood up, took a piece of paper towel and cleaned it. She threw the towel into the garbage and sat back on her chair.
“Sit down, Brian, I mean it.”
He sat down.
“Here’s the thing. What we’ve been having here is a wonderful, exciting infatuation –“
“Don’t call it like that –“
“But that’s what it is. It’s an illusion of a relationship, it’s a substitute of one. We’re having fun, we like being together, but Brian, it won’t work.”
“Why? Why are you saying it again?” He was very angry.
“Because that’s the truth,” Anna replied quietly, but firmly. “Brian, I’m ten years older than you, I’m in a different place in my life than you –“
“That’s what it’s all about? You’re treating me like some kind of a kid, like a brat –“
“No, it’s not that.”
“Is it because you teach me?”
“No, it’s because I have different life expectations than you.”
“How do you know?”
“Brian,” she whispered and smiled sadly. Anna took a sip of tea; she was beginning to feel a bit anxious. “Some months from now I will not be your teacher, that’s not the point. There are things, however, that won’t change, they will only become more complicated.”
“You mean the age difference thing? God, Anna, I’ve told you so many times –“
“Brian, you’ve got dreams, you’ve got wings you want to spread, this is not what I want and I will never allow you to leave those things behind, because you think you love me.”
“I think I love you? Anna, what are you talking about, I do love you!”
“Brian, please let me finish. Okay, you love me. Believe me, I’ve been thinking about it all those months, trying to convince myself it all made sense, that I made the correct decision giving this relationship a chance, but, Brian, I am thirty-two, my idea of a relationship is starting a family, having kids, not traveling to South America, not discovering what I want to do, who I want to become. Like I said, the age difference is not a problem in itself, it’s the fact that it has put us in two completely different life-situations.”
; He was looking at her in such way that it was breaking Anna’s heart even more. The truth was that even though she thought it wouldn’t cost her much, she felt awful, she knew she was devastating him, she could see it in his eyes.
“What if I told you I was no longer interested in the trips, in the whole looking-for-my-place-on-Earth thing?”
“And here’s my point – you absolutely cannot put your plans and dreams aside because of me.”
“But I don’t care about it all anymore!”
“But how do you think it would make me feel?! You don’t care now, but five years from now, you might regret, hold a grudge against me, feel frustrated that you didn’t try! I will never allow you to sacrifice like that.” Anna was saying all this and felt there were tears coming to her eyes.
“So, this is it? It’s over?” He asked quietly. Even though his eyes were full of anger, he spoke with the tone indicating he felt hopeless. He knew it was over, she just had to officially say it out loud.
“Yes,” she replied and dried her eyes with her jersey’s sleeve. Anna couldn’t look at him, she felt awful, and she was trying to focus her eyes on the mug.
“Have you ever loved me?” Brian asked.
“I have cared for you, yes,“ she answered sadly. Anna was unable to truthfully say whether she loved him or not, everything around them was happening too fast, too rapid, too chaotic, too crazy; she wouldn’t be honest if she said anything else.
Brian got up, walked toward the hall, put his shoes on, got his jacket and left. Anna could hear the door closed. She took a deep breath, got up and went to the hall to lock it. On her way back, she spotted Brian’s keys on the chest of drawers. It was over.