Tangents, vol 1

by Rae Agatha

  When Matylda was sixteen, she started being friends with Dorota, a girl from her school. They were peers, she was a petite blonde, always smiled, very positive. Matylda’s parents had no problem with them being friends as they knew Dorota’s parents from church and knew they had a similar way of seeing things. Matylda met her during an English course they both attended in a language school. They were asked to work in pair once and they discovered out there was good chemistry between them. As they were getting to know each other more, it turned out Dorota had very similar observations concerning religion, God, the world in general. She also had a strong feeling something was fishy about all of this, but did not have enough of courage to talk to her parents about it, who in that matter, were very similar to the Nowaks. The girls would spend every free minute together, Dorota quickly turned out to be cunning; on the outside she would do and say what was expected of her by her parents, but whenever they were alone, she would show Matylda books, music, films they were both not supposed to touch. The basic difference between them was that Matylda was listening to her parents, and Dorota only made her parents think she was.

  Dorota made Matylda feel she wasn’t alone in the world, because before she had met her, she was solitary. She had no close friends at school; she was rejected for not having an mp3 player, for not knowing the books or magazines others were reading, or for having a mother who was known among kids to be nuts about Jesus and who kept on talking about hell and condemnation. As much as it always hurt her, she would never argue about it, after all the idea was to turn the other cheek, but the loneliness she was experiencing made her reserved, taught her to think twice before saying anything as many things she would say would either be ridiculed or ignored. It also taught her not to trust people easily, to be careful around them.

  ***

  One day she was sitting with Adam on a bench in a park they used to come a lot to when they were kids. Matylda had a good relationship with her brother. He was older enough to look up to him, but at the same time the age difference wasn’t too big to interrupt their relationship, so they would spend a lot of time together. Besides, it wasn’t like they had a lot of other options; none of them had any circle of friends, their parents would successfully prevent them from that; never allowing to sleep over at someone’s place, to go to parties, or for school trips that were longer than one day. Their parents kept on telling them about the dangers of such situations, about alcohol, drugs, miscellaneous behavior. Matylda and Adam sometimes wondered if Ewa and Piotr were projecting their own fears on them, if they really were that much irrational, tried to avoid any upbringing problems, or, maybe, the hidden agenda was that they were worried they’d lose their reputation if anyone saw their kids drunk or behaving badly (as broad as the term was). Adam and Matylda knew that if it wasn’t for them having each other, they would have been one of the loneliest people on the planet.

  Adam was nineteen years old and, in about a month, was about to graduate from high school. As they were sitting there in the park, he told her he was leaving. She didn’t understand him at first, asked him where he was going. He told her he was planning to emigrate to the United Kingdom to look for a job there. Matylda did not understand his decision; he didn’t have to worry about work, their father told him numerous times he could use his help in the sawmill, but Adam was never interested in it. He told her it wasn’t about the job perspective only. He said he couldn’t stand living with their parents anymore. That he was suffocating, had a feeling he was rather in prison than at home. That he couldn’t stand their hypocrisy any longer, that all the prayers, all the religion bullshit they had been feeding them with made him sick and ruined both his and her childhood.

  Matylda had problems following what he was saying. What hypocrisy? That was what their parents were like; devoted to God and Church more than to them, yes, at that point she knew it very well herself, but hypocrisy? Adam looked at her with an ironic smirk on his face and told her he would want to show her something once they were alone at home. He asked Matylda not to tell the parents he was planning to leave, that he would want to do it by himself at the time of his choosing. She agreed. It felt so sad knowing he was leaving, she was afraid she would be very lonely once he goes away. Of course, she was friends with Dorota, but it wasn’t the same. Adam was her flesh and blood, they grew up together, it was as if having a part of herself taken away from her.

  When they came home from the park, they realized there was nobody else at home. They took their shoes off and Adam beckoned Matylda to come with him to their parents’ bedroom. He opened a night stand drawer and she saw two packages of condoms inside. She looked at it, looked at Adam, not comprehending what it meant. He closed the drawer and they walked out of the bedroom.

  “It means it’s all bullshit what they’ve been telling us all those years. Condoms? Seriously? Not allowed by the Church, just like any contraception. All those talks about sins, all this crap about following Church’s teachings, the only ones that are true and lead to salvation, they do not respect them themselves. I don’t know if there’s anything more than that, but it certainly helped me wake up. You should wake up, too, Matylda. We’ve been fed with this bullshit our whole lives. I don’t know how about you, but I am really, honestly leaving. They’ve ruined our lives with rules apparently they do not respect themselves. If that’s not hypocrisy, I don’t know what is,” Adam said angrily.

  Matylda was in shock. She asked him if he would take her with him. He promised that once she graduates from school and he successfully settles down in the UK, he would definitely want her there with him.

  Matylda began feeling embarrassed by sitting in the church in the front row, with her parents, right opposite to the altar. The need for rebellion and the embarrassment were now mixing inside her heart. She knew how her parents were proud of having a close relation with the parish priest, how it made them feel better, more special among the community they lived in, and it was making her sick to know they were living that way for the appearances and at the same time fooling her and Adam. She couldn’t help but begin looking at her parents as two opportunists, willing to sacrifice their family life for the sake of prestige and the respect of the community.

  IV

  Dorota loved camping and had been fascinated by survival techniques since she was a kid. When she was younger she was a scout, and, together with other kids, she often took part in foot orienteering or went camping. She wasn’t ten years old yet when she knew how to make a fire without matches, use compass, find her way in the woods without any problems, build and pack a tent.

  Matylda was fascinated by her abilities and soon Dorota began teaching her everything she knew herself. During summer vacations they would go for walks in the woods and Dorota would tell her what she should pay attention to, how to find food in the forest, for example which mushrooms were edible, which were poisonous, where to look for berries, how to walk carefully enough as to not damage the litter. During those walks, they would often talk about their religious doubts, about how unhappy they felt at home, oppressed by parents who wouldn’t listen, who had their own fixations and very stiff points of view.

  In June 2000, a month after Adam passed his final high school exams, he told their parents he was leaving, going to the UK to look for a job, to look for a better life. Ewa had hysterics, she was unable to calm down. Piotr was devastated. They kept on asking him what was the reason behind Adam’s decision and he kept on answering he wanted something more, different opportunities than working in a sawmill in a town that had a population a little bit bigger than seven thousand people. Matylda was listening to it all and knew Adam did not want to hurt them, so he chose not to tell the whole truth. Back then, when she was sixteen, she was angry at him that he had no courage to be honest, to scream at them and tell them he was suffocating in his own family home, but when she was older, she realized that Adam’s honesty wouldn’t change anything, only hurt their feelings. Their parents were so stiff with their life philosophies
, their perspective was so narrow, it was pointless to shake that, to explain anything to them and Adam perfectly understood that.

  Matylda had to admit that the way her brother decided to inform their parents he was leaving was quite cruel. He had everything settled; a plane ticket, a job agency helped him find work, he was even packed. At first he was planning to stay in a cheap hotel, he saved enough of money to hold on for two, maybe three months, and he was determined to give it a try. He decided to talk to the parents while he was waiting for a taxi to take him on a train station so he could travel to Warsaw to the airport. Ewa must have cried a ton of tears that day, she was begging Adam to change his mind, begging Piotr to make Adam change his mind, and finally, her last argument was that Adam couldn’t leave his little sister. Adam looked at Matylda and smiled bitterly.

  The taxi came, he hugged the mother, shook hands with the father and came to Matylda. He embraced her as tight as he could. She thought she would cry, but she knew the situation was already difficult for him, she didn’t want to cause him any more pain. He whispered he loved her and left home. All three of them were standing in the kitchen window looking at him putting the suitcase in the trunk of the car and driving off. Adam gave Matylda his address and phone number to the agency that had found him a job. She kept the piece of paper in a jewelry box.

  The next days were horrible. Ewa kept on praying to God to bring her son back while Piotr was looking for any opportunity not to come back home; he would stay late in his office or had a meeting with a client, or would go to church. Nobody asked Matylda how she felt about everything, nobody cared she also missed her brother. She, however, was just keeping her fingers crossed that he would be fine and happy.

  ***

  Adam called them three days later, he said he was alright, that the hotel looked fine and that the job seemed honest and he was getting familiar with the neighborhood. Perhaps he didn’t sound too happy, after all he was alone in a new country, but he didn’t sound worried or miserable either. When Matylda spoke to him and heard his voice, full of self- confidence and determination, she thought he would make it, she was sure he would, so when one day Ewa was kneeling beside her bed, praying, and Matylda heard her asking God again to bring her son back to her, she looked at her mother and, impulsively, interrupted her. She walked toward her, stood right next to her and said:

  “He’shappy. This is what he wanted. Why do you want to take it away from him just for the sake of your own well-being?” She said angrily.

  Her mother crossed herself and got up. She was looking at Matylda coldly.

  “Don’t you ever interrupt me when I pray and don’t you ever speak to me like that again,” she hissed. “I’m your mother. I deserve respect.”

  Matylda, for the first time in her life, thought that being a mother did not mean a person ought to be respected. Once again she thought of the poor boy tortured to death; his mother was one of the accomplices, did she deserve respect?

  “Look, Mom, I’m sorry, but do not look at Adam from your perspective only,” she said. “It’s not like he’s at the end of the world, he’s about two hours by plane away from us, and he is pursuing his plans and dreams. Let him.”

  “He belongs here, with us,” Ewa said. Her lower lip began to shake delicately; she was about to cry.

  “He belongs where he is happy. If it means being in Great Britain, or the South Pole, you shouldn’t make it difficult for him,” Matylda answered calmly.

  “Are you saying you don’t want him back?” The mother asked her quietly.

  That was a tough question. Of course she wanted him back, she missed him, and it was breaking her heart every time she thought they wouldn’t see each other for probably a long time, but, she fully understood why he was running away from their family, and, in all honesty, she answered, “I want him to be happy. That’s what’s most important.”

  Ewa started crying, sobbing uncontrollably. Matylda tried to give her a hug, but her mother only pushed her away, got down on her knees and started praying again. Matylda left the room.

  V

  In 2001, Dorota asked Matylda to go camping with her. She said she was going with her scout team leader and some friends from Catholic youth organizations. Dorota was one of the people responsible for preparing the trip, it was supposed to last three days, during the first week in May. Matylda loved the idea and wanted to take part in it, but first they both had to convince her parents to let them go. Dorota came to The Nowaks’ home and explained them what her plan was. She told them that Matylda would be a great asset to their team as she had learnt a lot about camping and survival in the woods since Dorota had met her and that it was high time for her to check out her abilities. She assured Matylda’s parents that there would be about fifteen people with them, all of them at similar age, connected with either the scout team she used to belong to or to the Catholic organizations she used to spend a lot of time with. Ewa was hesitating at first while Piotr said he needed to speak with the parish priest about it, ask him for advice, and told Dorota and Matylda he would let them know about the decision the next day.

  In the evening, he called the priest and told him about Dorota and Matylda’s idea. He wasn’t sure if letting the girls go was safe, if leaving seventeen-year-olds without any parents’ supervision was a good idea, that they might do something stupid, after all, it was the particular age were in. The priest listened to him carefully and said he did not see anything dangerous or inappropriate about the camping idea and that he was giving the girls full blessing. He later on asked about Adam, if they heard from him, and assured Piotr he was praying for his son to find his way back home and, what was even more important, not to lose the faith and values he had received at home, not to be tempted by evil. Piotr thanked the priest and hung up.

  Matylda and Dorota could go camping.

  ***

  After two weeks of preparation, during which they bought food and water supplies, new backpacks and some basic camping equipment such as a small pan and two metal mugs, they were ready to go. Matylda laughed looking at the pan, the mugs and the canned food that they were about to hang out around nature just like Jack Kerouac Subterraneans one of the novels that Dorota introduced her to, but which was bound to be forbidden at her home.

  Matylda couldn’t believe she was really going; this was the first time she was to spend time outside home for more than a day. She was eager to meet all the new people Dorota said were going with them and couldn’t wait for the nights they were to spend under the stars. Her only concern was the weather, quite finicky in Poland at that time of year, so she packed her raincoat and an two extra pairs of thick socks in case it would rain.

  Dorota told Matylda and her parents that one of her scout friends would give them a lift to the assembly point where a small bus would take them into the forest. Matylda was only supposed to arrive at Dorota’s place on the 30th of April at eight o’clock on the morning.

  On the last day of April, Matylda was so excited, she couldn’t sleep since 5 o’clock in the morning. She checked her backpack three times to make sure she didn’t forget anything, had breakfast, hugged her parents and around 7 o’clock she walked out of the house. Dorota lived only about half an hour away from her, so there was no need for any taxi. Their town was so small it had no public transport; small buses were distributing people to and from work to the towns around the area, and everyone generally walked around on foot. The parts of the town being the furthest away from each other could have been reached during an hour long walk.

  When Matylda appeared at Dorota’s home, her friend was already waiting for her on the porch. She smiled to her, came down two steps and walked closer.

  “Hi, you’re on time!”

  “Of course, hi,” Matylda smiled back at her and kissed her cheek. “So, when is your friend coming?”

  “Oh, she called me like twenty minutes ago and said her car broke down,” Dorota said sadly.

  “What?!” Matylda was devastated. “You
mean we’re not going?”

  “Of course we are! We’ll just meet people already at the assembly point. We’ll get there by bus, we’ve got about ten minutes to get to the bus stop. Come on,” Dorota said. Matylda, relieved, fixed the backpack, as it was slightly sliding down her shoulders, and they started walking.

  The bus appeared on time and so, at a quarter to eight, they were on their way. About half an hour later, Dorota got up and asked the driver to stop at the nearest bus stop. Matylda was surprised because she couldn’t see anyone waiting for them outside and she was expecting at least some of the people to already be there. They walked out of the bus and after a few seconds they were completely alone, at the edge of the forest, near the gate marking the entrance to the woods.

  “Where is everybody? Is that the assembly point or should we walk toward it?”

  “We need to walk, come on,” Dorota smiled a bit mysteriously and walked toward the woods. After a few steps she stopped and turned around. Matylda was still standing at the bus stop area.

  “What are you waiting for, come on,” Dorota said and beckoned her.

  “An assembly point inside the forest? Seems weird,” she replied.

  “Where is everybody?” she asked seriously.

  “Come with me, Matylda, we’ll meet everyone real soon.”

  Matylda made some steps forward, but she was clearly hesitating.

  “What’s wrong?” Dorota asked and came closer to her.

  “I don’t know, it feels weird. I was expecting someone would already be here.”

  “Come on, Matylda, it’ll be great, I promise you.”

  Matylda was still hesitating, but moved on. The fact that there hadn’t been any people with them wasn’t worrying her so much. She was rather feeling uncomfortable because her parents agreed to allow her to go camping under certain conditions and if those were to be changed, she felt she wasn’t being honest with them, that she was somehow breaking a promise.