Doctors of Philosophy

by Muriel Spark

  CATHERINE. I’m going to leave you, Charlie. I have decided. I’m going to start a new life.

  Enter MRS. S.

  MRS. S. Annie’s laid out her scarlet velvet to wear tonight. She seems to think that it’s going to be an occasion.

  CATHERINE. The one with the enormous skirt. Annie will have to pack and go. We owe it to Daphne. Annie must leave us this afternoon.

  MRS. S. I told her, I said, ‘Annie, it isn’t a celebration tonight, it’s a sober reckoning of the fruits of sin.’

  CHARLIE. If you mean to insult my daughter, Mrs. S., you can go. Your cards are stamped up to date.

  CATHERINE. Charlie, I suggest you go and stay at your club, or get a flat somewhere. Just leave the house. I can manage without you, but I can’t manage without Mrs. S.

  MRS. S. No, Mrs. D., what’s said can’t be unsaid. I take my cards this instant. Lunch is in the oven, help yourselves.

  Enter LEONORA.

  LEONORA. I feel terrible.

  CHARLIE. What’s the matter, Leonora?

  LEONORA. I’m frightened.

  CATHERINE. Have a drink, Leonora. What’s the matter ?

  LEONORA. I’ve done something with my life for the first time in my life.

  MRS. S. Never!

  LEONORA. I’ve accepted a four-year lectureship in America. I sent off a wire early this morning. I might have a confirmation of the appointment by this evening. It frightens me.

  MRS. S. Oh go on, Leonora, have a bash at it.

  CATHERINE. Four years!

  LEONORA. Four years at least.

  CATHERINE. What shall I do without you, Leonora? I depend on my visits to Oxford, and your visits here. We’ve never been parted for four months together, never mind four years.

  CHARLIE. Is there a man behind this, Leonora?

  LEONORA. What do you mean? CHARLIE. I thought you were rather thick with that professor of Ionic Studies from Columbia when he was over here last summer. Self-opinionated and overpaid. Not your type at all, Leonora. What university are you going to?

  LEONORA. Columbia.

  CHARLIE. Oh, Columbia. Yes, I thought as much. I warn you, Leonora, the man’s a—

  MRS. S. I quote from Hoffenbinder’s Psychology of the Intellectual, vol. two, page 368: ‘The academic environment frequently produces inconsistencies of attitude in the private life of the intellectual. In fact, it may be generally concluded that the more consistent the train of thought or public attitude in the developed intellect, the less consistency is to be observed in the private attitudes and utterances of the individual full stop.’

  CATHERINE. Yes, quite, Mrs. S. Leonora, we’ve welcomed you into our home. You’ve come with us on our holidays. We’ve given you every consideration and assistance that a family could give. Charlie has filled in your tax returns year after year. And now, just when we’ve been going out of our minds all morning over Daphne, you walk in and you say you’re going to America. You don’t mean this?

  CHARLIE. Can you do anything with this tape machine, Leonora?

  LEONORA. I do mean it. (Looks at tape machine.) But I’m afraid. That’s all I know.

  CURTAIN

  END OF SCENE I

  ACT THREE

  SCENE II

  SAME DAY. SAME ROOM.

  DAPHNE fixing tape recorder, MRS. S. watching.

  MRS. S. You got it working all right?

  DAPHNE. Yes.

  MRS. S. You better take it back before it does any more harm. What did you do with the talkative portion?

  DAPHNE. I put it in the stove. Have you got ten bob on you, Mrs. S.?

  MRS. S. Not today I haven’t. What you want it for?

  DAPHNE. I want to send this over to Kensington in a taxi.

  MRS. S. Why don’t you take it yourself on the bus? Do you good to get out of all this and see some old friends. You owe me thirty-five and eight already, you know.

  DAPHNE. You can have it on Monday. I don’t want to go to Kensington. I just don’t want to see anybody, any old friends, nobody.

  MRS. S. Why not? You aren’t showing yet. Let’s have a look. I should say you would carry it behind when you start to show.

  DAPHNE. I might be sick. I would be sure to be sick.

  MRS. S. Send young Charlie.

  DAPHNE. He’s having lunch at the Ritz with Annie. She doesn’t ask me to lunch at the Ritz, you’ll observe.

  MRS. S. You’d a fetched it all up. Waste a money. Send young Charlie when he comes back all aglow with his melon frappé followed by sole meunière accompanied with Chablis followed by Armagnac and wrapped in a cloud of contentment over Annie’s talk. ‘Darling young Charlie, it’s going to be so thrilling having another Ph.D. in the family, especially a handsome one for a change.’

  Enter Annie.

  Annie. Charlie is heavenly, Daphne. When he does talk, it’s thrilling. He asked me to tell you he’s got an appointment this afternoon but he’ll be along later with his parents. I met Charlie out there just now, he’s got a new van. Where’s Charlie, is he in?

  DAPHNE. Will you lend me ten bob till Monday, Annie?

  ANNIE. Of course, if you mean it literally. But if you’re being allegorical I’m afraid I haven’t got anything till Michaelmas.

  MRS. S. No, you don’t spend ten bob on taxi-cabs, if Charlie’s outside with a van. (Goes out on the terrace.) Charlie! — Here, Charlie, we need your services, my good man.

  Enter CHARLIE BROWN.

  CHARLIE B. I was just about to pay you a call in any case. Coincidence. Where’s the doctor?

  MRS. S. Leonora’s quit practice. She has taken the step of accepting a job in America, like they all do sooner or later.

  CHARLIE B. (sitting down). I have something to unburden myself of to the doctor. Developments in my life. Make us a cup of tea.

  MRS. S. goes.

  DAPHNE. Charlie, could you run this machine over to an address in Kensington for me?

  CHARLIE B. Tomorrow morning I could, not today I couldn’t. My time’s not my own. I’m doing urgent delivery work, TV replacement service. People waiting.

  DAPHNE. What time could you take it tomorrow?

  CHARLIE B. Ten sharp.

  DAPHNE. Annie, could you make a telephone call for me? Kensington 9082. Some people I don’t want to talk to, the Dolphins. Tell them the tape recorder will be delivered tomorrow at half past ten.

  ANNIE. May I tell Mary you’re engaged to marry a charming young nuclear physicist without delay?

  DAPHNE. NO. Whatever you do, don’t mention nuclear physicist. It’s a disgrace to be engaged to a nuclear physicist. You just say, ‘Daphne is sending Eunice’s tape recorder tomorrow at about half past ten.’ What are you to say?

  ANNIE (holding imaginary telephone). Hallo — Mary? This is Annie. I’m lovely, thank you, how are you? Listen, Mary, I’ve got a message for Eunice from Daphne. She’s returning the tape recorder tomorrow at half past ten. Charlie will bring it. No, dear, Charlie Brown, you don’t know him. No, Mary, no, Daphne can’t come to the telephone, she’s got stomach trouble, tell Eunice. No, nothing serious, it will just take time.

  Enter MRS. S. with cup of tea for CHARLIE.

  Will she — ? Just a minute, I’ll ask her —. Daphne, will you be fit to sit in Trafalgar Square next week?

  MRS. S. No, and a good thing too. It gives you piles sitting on the pavement. Besides, she’ll be on her honeymoon.

  Goes out.

  DAPHNE. That’s highly questionable.

  ANNIE (into imaginary telephone). It’s highly questionable. I must run now, Mary, I’ve got to change for dinner. I know Mary, I know it’s only three-fifteen, but this is a dress rehearsal. Yes, I’ll ring again. Goodbye.

  CHARLIE B. Good for Annie! You should be on the stage.

  ANNIE. Charlie, it’s very odd that you should say that. It’s exactly what my C.O. in the Wrens said when we were having a little argument about the length of my hair. I said, ‘I’m not going to have it cut short, that’s all. — Not wh
en I’m having all this success I’m not going to cut off my hair; it goes beautifully with my uniform and my tricorn hat, as you can see for yourself.’ Well, she just looked at me and she said, ‘You should be on the stage.’

  DAPHNE. Kensington 9082.

  Exit ANNIE.

  LEONORA enters by French windows.

  CHARLIE B. Hallo doctor, I been waiting for you.

  LEONORA. Good afternoon, Charlie. Daphne, how are you feeling?

  DAPHNE. Both ways. Physically on the retreat. Mentally in the advance guard, preparing for a big offensive.

  CHARLIE B. You put that very neat, Miss. Personally, I’m the other way about, physically like a tank regiment but me mind is on the run. I come to see the doctor about it.

  LEONORA. You’ve met a suitable young lady, Charlie?

  CHARLIE B. I’ve met three.

  LEONORA. You will have to make up your mind between them.

  CHARLIE B. I don’t fancy any of them. You know those reading lamps? I didn’t buy one. Couldn’t make up my mind.

  LEONORA. You will have to let things drift.

  CHARLIE B. No, I’m one of those people that’s fated to do something because—

  DAPHNE. So am I, Charlie.

  CHARLIE B. You getting married soon, so Mrs. S. has intimated.

  DAPHNE. It’s questionable.

  CHARLIE B. That’s how I feel about the widow.

  LEONORA. You didn’t mention a widow.

  CHARLIE B. Four kids. She don’t feed them properly. She smokes all day and drinks all evening. Nothing much to look at, she’s let herself go. She cooks bad. The house is a proper mess.

  LEONORA. Well, she’s out of the question, isn’t she?

  CHARLIE B. NO. She’s in the question.

  DAPHNE. DO you love her, Charlie?

  CHARLIE B. Well, that’s questionable. But she loves me, that’s unquestionable.

  LEONORA. That’s a very important point, Charlie. You can’t afford to overlook that.

  CHARLIE B. You’re right. I can’t overlook it. We’ve had good times together when we’ve been together. Four kids, though.

  DAPHNE. DO you like children, Charlie?

  CHARLIE B. Not so’s you’d notice it. I don’t mind them. But they like me, they’re very fond of me, those kids, I’ll say that for them. They look out for me coming. Won’t go to bed.

  LEONORA. I would consider marrying the widow if I were you, Charlie. It’s essential to be loved if you like being loved.

  DAPHNE. He might find it a responsibility to be loved without being able to love back. He might be unhappy.

  LEONORA. Responsibility is not necessarily an unhappy thing.

  DAPHNE. It’s better when both are in love.

  LEONORA. Both partners are seldom in love to the same degree, or in the same manner. Sometimes, in a person who does not love easily, love arises from necessity.

  DAPHNE. I’m damned if I will be pushed into a marriage out of necessity, Leonora.

  LEONORA. We’re discussing Charlie’s case.

  DAPHNE. Yes, I know we are discussing Charlie’s case. I understand perfectly. There is no necessity in Charlie’s case.

  LEONORA. It seems to me there must be, or he wouldn’t be considering marrying the widow in such a hurry.

  CHARLIE B. If I don’t marry her she’s going to marry someone else. Says she needs a husband. But she likes me best. I got to make up my mind.

  DAPHNE. He’d be better with an attractive young girl.

  CHARLIE B. They’re none of them so loving as the widow is, Miss.

  LEONORA. Charlie is attached to the widow. He would regret losing her.

  DAPHNE. In their case there is probably no conflict of moral principle. Charlie, if you had to choose between your feelings and your principles in choosing a wife, which would you choose?

  CHARLIE B. I would choose the widow.

  LEONORA. You’re a true philosopher, Charlie.

  DAPHNE. I don’t see that he’s answered my question. Charlie, what are your views about the Bomb?

  CHARLIE B. Oh, very bad. Shocking.

  DAPHNE. Would you marry a woman who was employed to help in Bomb experiments?

  CHARLIE B. I couldn’t say about that. I would have to take a look at the lady in question before I could give you an honest answer to that.

  DAPHNE. Leonora, would you marry a man engaged in the type of nuclear research that I mean?

  LEONORA. I would have to take a look at the man in question before I could give you an honest answer to that. But in your circumstances I would do so. On principle, if nothing else.

  DAPHNE. What do you mean, on principle? You know I’m violently against the Bomb, Leonora. I sometimes wonder if you’re human. Doesn’t anybody ever think of the unborn children?

  LEONORA. I’m thinking of the unborn. One might wonder, Daphne, if you’re human.

  CHARLIE B. Is the chap nice, Miss?

  LEONORA. He loves her and she finds him attractive. Your case, Charlie, appears to be more complex. The widow loves you but you don’t find her particularly attractive.

  CHARLIE B. Well, I wouldn’t say that. We’ve had some good times, doctor. Ta-ta. (Goes out abruptly.)

  DAPHNE. Something upset him. Was it us?

  LEONORA. No, only the fact that he wants to marry the widow and doesn’t want to want it.

  DAPHNE. What do you know about love and marriage anyway? Have you ever loved a man?

  LEONORA. Not really. I’ve only had foolish feelings. Sometimes I still have them.

  DAPHNE. Have you ever been loved?

  LEONORA. I am loved, if you really want to know.

  DAPHNE. Who by?

  LEONORA. Plainly, a very foolish man.

  DAPHNE. Would you give up your principles for him? You wouldn’t, would you? I know how strongly you feel, for instance, about celibacy in the dedicated scholar. Would you give that up?

  LEONORA. I might feel obliged to do so on principle. If one has committed a folly in the dark, Daphne, one sometimes has to redeem it by another folly in broad daylight.

  Enter MRS. S.

  MRS. S. Overseas telegram for Leonora. That’s about the job, I daresay. Go on, open it.

  Fade.

  Lights up on CATHERINE alone, exhausted. She flops on sofa, pours tea.

  Enter ANNIE in red velvet evening dress.

  CATHERINE. You can’t wear that tonight. And why are you dressed so early? It’s only five.

  ANNIE. I thought this would be a suitable dress to be asked to change out of.

  CATHERINE. Annie, I love you being here. You make me feel like an intellectual. Pour some tea. I’m tired. Do you think Mrs. Weston will try to talk to me as woman to woman?

  ANNIE. I see no alternative basis of approach.

  CATHERINE. If she gets on my nerves I shall discuss Assyrian Palaeography with Leonora. Would that be insufferable?

  ANNIE. Yes, it would be most suitably insufferable, in my opinion, Catherine, for an academic household.

  CATHERINE. I wish Charlie were a professor, it would sound good.

  ANNIE. Do you think I might pass for a Ph.D. if I wore something discreet?

  CATHERINE. Perhaps you might leave the word ‘thrilling’ out of your vocabulary. Scholars are never thrilled, at the most they are excited.

  ANNIE. Leonora is thrilled. She got a wire confirming her appointment at Columbia.

  CATHERINE. I shall miss her terribly. I wish I were not such a neurotic.

  ANNIE. Well, as young Charlie said at lunch today, ‘An intelligent woman’s neurosis is more valuable than a stupid woman’s complacency, and more attractive.’

  CATHERINE. He didn’t!

  ANNIE. He did. I wouldn’t have believed he could say such a long sentence.

  CATHERINE. Who was he referring to?

  ANNIE. You. He thinks you’re attractive.

  CATHERINE. I wouldn’t have thought he had it in him.

  ANNIE. He’s very upset about Daphne. She told him
she would think over his proposal of marriage. Of course, that’s the right move — in her circumstances, the only move.

  CATHERINE. Poor young Charlie. Daphne’s my daughter, but I must admit between ourselves, Annie, that if I were a man I would find her a bit dull.

  ANNIE. He must have found a brighter side. I was afraid he might be rather tiresome himself, but actually, when one brings him out of his shell, he’s almost thrilling and very amusing. I said to him, ‘You really are very witty, Charlie, why don’t you say things oftener?’ He said, ‘People who seldom say anything at all frequently gain a reputation for wit.’ I said, ‘Have you a reputation for wit among your colleagues?’ He said, ‘I think so.’ I said, ‘Go on!’ He said, ‘Yes.’ I said, ‘Are you ever quoted?’ He said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘Are you ever misquoted?’ He said, ‘No, mine is a very budding reputation, I’m afraid.’ I said, ‘I think you’re terrific.’ He said, ‘What?’ I said, ‘I think you’re absolutely brilliant. I think you’ve got a great future ahead of you, Charlie. I suppose you think I’m a very silly woman.’ He said, ‘No. Most intelligent.’

  Enter YOUNG CHARLIE through windows.

  ANNIE. I was just speaking of you, Charlie. (To CATHERINE) … most intelligent.

  YOUNG CHARLIE. Am I most intelligent?

  ANNIE. You know you are, Charlie. There is no need for agitation on that account. Sit down and recover, if that’s what you’re upset about.

  CATHERINE. I think she went out. It’s Daphne you want, isn’t it?

  ANNIE. She went out. Can I get you some fresh tea?

  YOUNG CHARLIE. She telephoned half an hour ago. She’s decided not to marry me. On principle.

  ANNIE. You will have to change your occupation that’s all.

  CATHERINE. He can’t be expected to give up his career, Annie.

  ANNIE. Daphne would have to give up hers.

  CATHERINE. She had not started a career.

  ANNIE. Young Charlie is so brilliant, he could do something different from what he’s doing.

  YOUNG CHARLIE. She doesn’t know what I’m doing.