Zack & Zoey's Alien Apocalypse -or- Alien Busting Ninja Adventure

by MJ Ware

  "It is possible that they have a patriarchal society. But the male aliens seem so dim-witted." Sunny tapped her pink polka-dot, sparkly pencil against the seatback in front of her. "I bet the females are the more intelligent of the species. The males are probably just the muscle. A lot like humans, really."

  "Makes sense." Zoey nodded. "Maybe someday we'll be able to send all our men to outer space, too."

  I laughed to myself. What could I do? If I said anything, I'd either get hit or be outwitted. I was smart enough to know when to keep my mouth shut (which around girls is just about all the time).

  Every night, families sat together and watched the news to find out where the aliens had fed. The ships targeted schools, offices, anywhere people sat around all day and tended to be overweight. The cast of Chubby Club Workout Losers was gone within the first week.

  I had no idea it was possible, but school became worse than ever. Way worse. It reminded me of those old war movies where captured soldiers got locked up and never knew when they'd have their next meal. Except with us, we never knew when we'd be a next meal. No one paid attention to the teachers. We were all too busy listening for the woha woha sound the flying saucers made when they attacked.

  Don't get me wrong, it wasn't all bad. Teachers stopped giving out homework, figuring we'd probably be eaten long before we could graduate. Plus, the whole bully problem went away. Susie Jo was too worried about losing weight to bother picking on anyone. I guess she figured her whole "big boned" story wouldn't keep her from being guzzled like a cream puff. Still, I'd rather face the prospect of a swirlie in the girl's bathroom than ravenous aliens with jetpacks any day.

  "I have an announcement to make." Ms. Brass called the class to attention. "After the military's failed assault on the alien fleet last week, we've been forced to make certain concessions."

  "What are concessions?" asked Alice Brown, waving her long, gangly arm so wildly the girl sitting next to her had to duck.

  "They are new rules that the school board must implement or be served to the aliens for breakfast." Ms. Brass picked up a sheet of paper and read, "Rule one. Students are required to take both lunches and recesses outside.

  "Rule two. Students must leave school grounds immediately after the final bell. School buses will no longer be provided for student transportation—"

  "They're trying to get us out in the open," I shouted.

  "Zack, sit quietly, or I'll lock you in the closet. Rule three. All students shall eat cake or ice cream after lunch."

  "Sure, Ms. Brass, lock me in the closet. Seriously, leave me in there all day. I don't want to go out for recess."

  "Me too," another kid cried. Soon, everyone was begging to be locked in the closet.

  "Silence. Shut your traps!" Ms. Brass held her ruler with both hands, as if she might snap it in two. "The next student who speaks out of turn will get five extra minutes of recess."

  The room went so quiet I think I heard my grades drop.

  It wasn't long before the school had done away with detention. Instead of tardy slips, pudding snacks were passed out to kids who were late for class.

  If you got in serious trouble, you were given an entire cake to eat, or worst of all, sent outside for double recess. At least, despite constant threats, Ms. Brass never put us in real danger like that.

  "I can't believe it's come to this." Zoey put her hand on my ankle. We were hiding under a lunch table. Since the whole alien invasion thing, I'd been cutting her a little slack with the no touching rule. Basically, my left elbow and anything below the ankles weren't off limits.

  Some other kids from our class crouched under the table with us. We passed the time by punting paper footballs.

  Sunny ran out and joined us. "I was taking the roll sheet to the front office."

  "Sunny, what did you do to your hair?" Zoey put her hand over her mouth. "You dyed it red!"

  "Just a small bit of it."

  "Sunny, you're such a rebel. I didn’t know you had it in you," I said. "When you didn't show for lunch, I thought you'd figured a way to get the teachers to let you say inside."

  "I wish."

  "At least Bob got us more rubber dodge balls." I scanned the sky. "I heard he got the last of them in the entire state." Hundreds of those stupid red balls—the kind we used to kick onto the roof—littered the lunch area. No one was kicking them now. They were our only defense against another alien attack. Fortunately, our school hadn't seen one since that first day.

  "I saw a video on the news. These businessmen on Wall Street, dressed in suits lugging around soccer and volleyballs." Zoey started braiding the red strands of Sunny's hair.

  "How is it the aliens can swallow a person, but not a soccer ball?"

  "Here, swallow this." Sunny Rosa handed me a big eraser shaped like a unicorn with a rainbow behind it.

  "I can't swallow that."

  "Of course not. You'd choke it up, like putting a spoon in the back of your throat. It's an automatic reaction."

  "Well, maybe for a dollar I could eat it," I said.

  "Anyway, the balls are only a temporary solution. The aliens are already adapting," she went on. "Look at the one who got poor Toby. He dodged your ball."

  "I heard they're getting better at spitting them back up," Zoey said. "Like Zack barfing up an eraser."

  "We'll have to come up with a better, more effective approach." Zoey saw me eyeing her eraser. "Don't even think about it, Zack."

  "If you think of someway to stop them, let me know." The bell rang and we all ran back to class as if we actually enjoyed learning. Well, I guess it was better than sitting around waiting for the aliens.

  Chapter 6 - That's Snot Right

  Almost overnight, diet pills and basketballs became more prized than imported chocolates or designer clothes. Everyone went on a diet, even little kids. And because the aliens thought we smelled tasty, everyone bathed twice a day. Yep, things were really that desperate

  I tried to watch what I ate, but boxes of Twinkies, cookies, candy bars, snack cakes tempted me everywhere I turned. A guy can only pass up free chocolate so many times.

  Things had gotten pretty bad in the government too. The aliens were basically running things. The official government line was that citizens should attempt to help 'feed' the aliens whenever possible.

  Soon, people arrested for small crimes, like jaywalking, were taken away and never seen again. Rumor was the aliens were shipping humans back to their home planet like cattle.

  "Zack, I was thinking that with this whole alien massacre thing, any moment could be our last." Zoey was walking to class with me. We used an inside hallway.

  "Uh-huh." I said, not really paying much attention.

  "So, we probably should kiss now, while we still have the chance."

  "Say, what?"

  "You know, in case one of us dies or something horrible like that."

  "I might rather die."

  "I swear you are sooo unromantic. I bet there's someone else, isn't there? Who is she?" Zoey stomped her foot.

  "There's no one else, Zoey."

  "It's Natalie Brown, isn't it? That hussy. You've always liked girls with freckles."

  "I don't like Natalie Brown."

  "Who is it, then?" Zoey stepped right in front of me, well within kissing—or hitting—range.

  I took a step back and chose my words carefully. "There's not a single girl in this school that I like more than you."

  "Honestly?" She stepped toward me.

  "I swear."

  "Then you agree we should start going steady?"

  "Steady? Who says, going steady?" She glared at me. I took two steps back. "It's called being exclusive, and we aren't talking about me having to kiss you, right?"

  "Fine, I accept your offer. We're exclusive." Zoey leaned forward and gave me a peck on the cheek. "Of course, that doesn't mean I can't kiss you." She ran into class.

  "What offer? Now wait a second." I checked to make sure none of the guys had seen.


  "Zack." Sunny ran up to me. "I need you for a second."

  "As long as it doesn't involve kissing."

  "Kissing? Eww, gross. What's wrong with boys? Is that really all you think about?"

  "No, you have it wrong... it's not me. It's... never mind." I shook my head in defeat. "What did you want?"

  "It's about the aliens," she whispered like the word was off-limits. "I have an idea about how to fight them."

  "Cool, let's hear it, then."

  "It's nothing much, really. Just a theory," she said rubbing her hands together like an evil scientist. "See, I've been watching online videos of the aliens eating people."

  "Sounds disturbing."

  "Trust me, it is. But that's not the point. I've timed it, and they never keep their mouths open for very long—twenty-five seconds at most. And when they're gagging on balls, it's as if they can't breathe."

  "Of course not. You try breathing with a volleyball stuffed down your windpipe."

  "I don't think the balls keep them from breathing. If I'm right, it's having their mouths wide open. I don't think they can breathe when their jaws are unhinged like that."

  "Interesting, but what good is it?"

  "I'm not sure. First, we need to figure out if I'm right."

  "And how do we do that?"

  "Next time they attack, pick one and keep shoving balls down his throat no matter how many times he coughs them back up."

  "That's easier said than done."

  "But if I'm right, I think I can figure out a way to fight back."

  "Do aliens even have throats?"

  "I don't really know, but it's close enough. I think alien anatomy mirrors human—"

  The bell rang before Sunny could finish her biology lesson, and we dashed inside so we wouldn't be hit with what was now commonly known as the Pudding Penalty.

  Our chance to test Sunny's theory came about a week later, during lunch. As usual, the teachers all stood near the doorway as we made our way outside and under the lunch tables. No one ran anymore. We just checked the sky and grabbed balls before heading out.

  I was trying to force down my nonfat-cheese tofu burger when the sound came from overhead. My tofu burger started threatening to come back up before I even saw the two saucers.

  "Quick, everyone inside," I said.

  We all made for the building, but Principal Blathers stepped inside and closed the doors behind him. The clicking sounds of him locking the doors echoed in my head like nails pounded into a coffin.

  Kids turned, heading for other doors, but I knew they'd all be locked. It was a setup. "Zoey, quick, find someplace to hide—we're on the menu today."

  A few kids kicked and pounded on the doors, begging to be let in. Through the window, I could see Ms. Brass hitting the principal on the head with her ruler, trying to get at his keys. The rest of the kids, with nowhere else to go, huddled under the first two rows of tables, the ones closest to the building.

  "They're coming," someone shrieked as half a dozen aliens dropped out of the ships and flew toward us.

  "Everyone, grab a ball." I picked up a basketball. The blacktop was littered with balls, reminding me of a baseball diamond after pitching practice. There were plenty to go around.

  A couple kids threw balls at the aliens, but the slimy beasts were too far away and didn't even have their mouths open.

  "Stop." I stood up. "Don't throw until you see the whites of their teeth!"

  A few of the older kids popped out from behind the tables, balls at the ready.

  "Hold it... Hold it." If the aliens noticed we were organized, they didn't let on. They just kept flying right at us. Finally, about twenty feet away, they opened up.

  Each row of lunch tables was a different color, so I ordered, "Red tables fire on my mark... Now!" A volley of balls shot past me.

  Four of the aliens went crashing down, but two more kept advancing. "Yellow tables, FIRE!" Another barrage flew at the remaining aliens, who tried to duck, but there were too many balls. They both got hit and dropped to the ground, one less than five feet in front of me.

  I stood stunned, watching as the alien choked on a ball. Rows of teeth lined his mouth, even down into his throat, pulsating as they tried to work the ball free.

  "Zack, they're coming again." Zoey put a softball in my hand and took one for herself.

  "Fire at will," I screamed and threw the softball at an alien who'd managed to spit out his ball and stand back up. His mouth wasn't open, and my ball deflected off his face.

  Fewer balls were in the air now. Zoey led a few of the braver kids out to the field to resupply.

  "Cover them." Several kickballs zoomed past my face.

  A wild scream cut the air. Ms. Brass ran toward me, her face bright red, mouth open wide, almost as if she was mimicking the aliens.

  I was too stunned to move. I just kept thinking that Ms. Brass had never gotten so mad at me for forgetting my homework before.

  Instead of her favorite ruler, she held two new, stainless steel rulers high above her head. The kind that were extra-long and sharp. She swung her weapons wildly.

  Ms. Brass leapt into the air right in front of me, screaming, "Die, nasty beastie!"

  At the same time, two slimy green hands reached out and tore at me, but were ripped away as Ms. Brass body-slammed an alien to the ground.

  "Take that, you wretched squid monster." Ms. Brass stuffed both rulers horizontally down his throat and pushed them hard, her arm fat jiggling, as the alien that had almost snuck up on me attempted to gag them out.

  I watched, not sure what to do, until I got clobbered from every direction with playground equipment. Three of the aliens fled to their ship, but the other two closed in on Ms. Brass.

  It seemed as though the entire student body surrounded us, throwing a continuous shower of sports balls at the aliens.

  But it was too late. The pair had already managed to swallow one leg each. Ms. Brass never let go of the alien she was choking. It wasn't until they'd swallowed the better part of her that she cried, "Children, get your butts to the window." And was gobbled up.

  Some of the kids pushed a table up to the window that Ms. Brass had broken to get outside. They poured, literally on top of each other, to safety.

  The rest of us stood our ground, pelting the remaining aliens with so many balls they were forced to flee.

  The alien Ms. Brass had saved me from rose, spit out several pieces of broken rulers, and started closing his mouth.

  That was my chance. I grabbed a volleyball and, stepping forward, reached over and stuffed it down the beast's gizzard. The ball wedged his trap open. The alien fell to the ground.

  The other two aliens were gone, and almost all the kids had made it inside. Zoey took my arm and pulled me. "Zack, come on. Let's go."

  "No, wait. We've gotta get this one," I said and shoved a basketball in right as he spat out the volleyball.

  The alien’s face changed to a dark shade of green, eyes bulging from its head.

  "Keep it in there, don't let him spit it out," Sunny yelled from behind me.

  The ball was working its way free, so I ran up like I was playing soccer and kicked it as hard as I could. It lodged another foot or so deeper.

  "That should do it." Sunny quickly scanned the sky.

  The alien twisted and jerked, trying to work the ball loose, so I gave it another good kick.

  And then two more kicks—just for the heck of it.

  A few seconds later, the slime-covered toady stopped flopping around. He turned a dark shade of gray and his eyes popped out, oozing a gooey, green gelatin. I swore I'd never eat lime Jell-O again.

  "You did it." Zoey jumped up and down while hugging me.

  "Hey, stop that—"

  That's when Sunny bent down and did the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen—way worse than being kissed by a girl even.

  She reached down and stuck her fingers in the alien’s nose, but she didn't stop. She kept right on going, deepe
r and deeper. Half her arm was buried in his nostril, and a big smile split her face. "That's it. I was right!" She sounded way too happy for someone with her arm covered in alien boogers.

  With a long, drawn-out sucking sound, Sunny pulled her hand out of the monster’s nasal passage. Glops of green, stringy snot slid down her arm in gooey, sticky strands.

  "Oh, gross, it smells like rotten cheese." I gagged and tried to keep from puking.

  Finally, the principal came running over, a couple slash marks across his face—obviously souvenirs from Ms. Brass. "Children, step away from that body. I have to turn this over to the authorities. They'll be so pleased with my work!"

  "Your work? Oh, you must mean locking us out when the aliens came for a student smorgasbord," I said.

  "Shut your mouth." Principal Blathers smacked me hard on the side of the head. "Extra dessert for you three. And you." He pointed at Sunny. "Wash your hand. That gibiltymuck is disgusting!"

   

  Chapter 7 - The Umbrella Undoing

  There weren't many fatties left in North America, so the aliens went hunting for heavier fare in Europe and left us alone for a couple of weeks.

  Each day before class, I asked Sunny if she'd come up with a way to fight the aliens, and each day she'd reply, "I'm working on it."

  That week it started to rain, a heavy rain, every day. The kind of rain that sinks into your socks, and doesn't dry out. That leaves them feeling slightly squishy the entire day. No matter how hard it poured, the school still made us spend recess and lunch outside.

  "Well?" I asked Sunny on a soggy Friday morning as she took off her jacket and sat down.

  "I think I've done it." She smiled, blowing rainwater off her nose.

  Zoey leaned over. "Really? What is it? Tell us?" She looked as excited as I felt.

  "I can do better than that." Sunny reached into her backpack. "I can show you."

  She pulled out a pair of clothes hangers. Just two plain old wire hangers, the cheap kind they give at the cleaners. They were twisted together and kinda bent up. It was a pretty big letdown.