by E. L. Todd
I maneuvered through the tables and past the waiters until I reached her table. Then I fell into the seat across from her. I was a little out of breath from running all the way there, and the adrenaline was still flowing in my blood. My only goal was to get there, and now that I was sitting across from her, I didn’t know what to do next. Talking wasn’t my strongest point and I knew I would have to do a lot of that.
Alessandra made three different expressions in a row as she took me in. At first, she seemed to doubt her sanity, like I wasn’t really there. Then shock came into her eyes when she realized this was real. Soon, confusion took over. “Ash, what are you doing here?”
Okay, now what? What did I say? I’d never done this before. “Sawyer isn’t coming.”
“Wait…you know him?”
“Yep. He’s one of my closest friends.”
“Oh…” Guilt came across her face. “Honestly, I didn’t know.”
“Why are you going on a date with him? You’re way out of his league.”
She shrugged. “He seemed nice enough.”
“And what happened to that stiff lawyer?”
“It didn’t work out.” That was all she said.
“Because…?”
Her sass came to the surface. “None of your business. That’s why it didn’t work out.”
I wasn’t conducting this conversation well.
“So, Sawyer isn’t coming at all?” she asked.
“Nope. Like I’d ever let him anywhere near you.”
Irritation shined bright in her eyes before she snatched her purse. “Well, then I should go. Good bye, Ash.”
“Whoa, hold on. Sit your ass down.”
Her hatred intensified.
I realized my mistake. “I mean, please give me a second.”
She set her purse down but it didn’t look like she wanted to.
Okay…here it goes. I wasn’t afraid of anything, not even a gun pointed right at my head. I’d crossed a minefield without my heart rate even going up. But trying to compose my feelings and thoughts into words was too damn hard. How did people do this on a regular basis? I wish she could just read my mind. It’d make it a lot easier.
Alessandra leaned forward. “What is it, Ash? I know I don’t have a date anymore but I am hungry.”
“Then let’s order.”
She pressed her lips together in irritation. “I don’t want to eat with you.”
Ouch. That shook my confidence. I tried to remember how great we were together. I knew she was mad at me, but deep in my heart, I knew there was something else there. “Look, I’m not good at talking about my feelings. Honestly, I don’t have very many feelings. I’m pretty cut and dry in that regard.”
Alessandra looked bored.
“This isn’t easy for me to say…I’m new to all of this. For the past few months, I’ve been struggling to figure out what the hell is going on in my brain.”
“And did you figure it out?” she asked coldly.
“No. The problem isn’t with my brain…it’s with my heart.”
Her eyes dilated slightly.
“Alessandra, I know I’m not much. I’m arrogant and stubborn. I’m hotheaded and bossy. And I get jealous really easily…as I recently found out. I don’t have a lot to offer and you were right when you said I wasn’t your type. But…I want to be.”
She tilted her head slightly like she didn’t understand my meaning.
“I know I said I didn’t do the girlfriend thing and relationships weren’t my forté but…I want one with you.” I held my breath as I watched her reaction. “I don’t want you to date other men. I don’t want you to look for a husband on Tinder. I want to have you all to myself. Give me a chance. I really think I could do it if you were patient with me.”
Her expression didn’t change at all. She just watched me with a stoic expression.
Fuck, this was worse than I thought.
“I would never date you, Ash. You aren’t the kind of man I want.”
Fuck, that hurt. No one had ever hurt me with their words before, not like that. I put myself on display and made myself vulnerable. And she stabbed me a dozen times before she wiped the blade clean on my sleeve. “Why?” I wasn’t perfect by any means but I was a good guy. “It seemed like you wanted me for the three months we were together. Actually, it seemed like you couldn’t get enough of me.” I tried not to sound arrogant but it was a struggle.
Alessandra regarded me coldly. “I don’t date liars.”
Liar? She thought I was a liar? “I can honestly tell you I’ve never lied to you—to anyone.”
She shook her head in disappointment.
“I haven’t,” I barked. “What do you think I lied about?”
“You want to know something?”
“I guess…”
“A few months ago, I made a really stupid mistake.” Frost covered her eyes, and her words were colder than the artic. “You told me not to fall for you. You told me you’d never offer me anything. For some idiotic reason, I did it anyway.”
What?
“My heart betrayed me and did whatever it wanted. I found myself unable to think about anyone but you, my best friend in the entire world. So, I made a stupid decision without thinking. I went by that restaurant and picked up brunch for the both of us. Then I headed to your door, ready to tell you exactly how I felt.”
Where was this going? Did she ever make it to my door? Why don’t I remember any of this? How did I not notice the way she felt about me? I would have said something if I knew.
“When I asked if you had slept with anyone since we met, you said you hadn’t. I took that as a declaration of exclusivity. I thought it meant you wanted to be with me and only me—even if you didn’t realize it. But when I knocked on your door, you didn’t answer it. Instead, I came face-to-face with one of your bimbos. She wore one of your t-shirts with nothing underneath and her hair was a mess. And she looked tired and satisfied.” Sadness filled her eyes at the memory. “And when I asked you about it, you lied. That’s why I’ll never be with you, Ash. I don’t date liars.”
Now everything was making sense. My lips stretched into a smile when I realized Alessandra felt the same way I did. I could have had her long ago if I just figured out what I wanted. Now I understood why she pushed me away and dated that loser.
“Why the hell are you smiling?” she snapped.
“Because I’m happy.”
“That I’m miserable?” Alessandra asked incredulously. “That’s an all-time low, even for you.”
“No, not at all.”
She narrowed her eyes.
“I never slept with that girl.”
“Oh really?” Condescension was in her voice.
“Yes, really. Sawyer went out with this girl and her sister came along. I had no interest in her and just wanted to leave. But since she was all alone and drunk, I took her back to my place and let her crash on my couch. I gave her those clothes so she had something to sleep in. The next morning, she left. Nothing happened.” My grin was even wider now. If only I’d known this a long time ago. “The only woman I’ve been with is you. There’s been no one else since I met you at that coffee shop—on scouts honor.”
She didn’t seem convinced. She was still suspicious.
“I’m not lying, Alessandra. I can track down that girl and prove it to you if necessary.” I leaned over the table and felt my arms shake in excitement.
She started to loosen up. “Really?”
“I promise.”
Alessandra averted her gaze. “Oh…what a misunderstanding.”
“Yeah…” Honestly, I didn’t regret it that much. I needed to lose her to understand I wanted her. “So, you’ll give me a chance? Because I can be charming and sensitive. I can take you out to dinner and open doors for you. I can…be whatever you want me to be.”
She kept her look guarded. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“I want to be more than just a fuck buddy to you. I don’t wa
nt you to see anyone else. And I don’t want to see anyone else either.”
“So, you want to be my boyfriend?” Hope was in her voice.
“Well, I don’t know about that…” Commitment still terrified me. I didn’t like labels. Forced to remain in one spot indefinitely was my biggest nightmare. I needed freedom to roam around and do other things. Perhaps it was a side effect from my time in the military.
Disappointment flashed across her face. “You don’t know? Then what do you want, exactly?”
“You.” That was the simplest answer. “I miss you. I want you.”
“But…you know I want marriage and kids someday.”
I didn’t want to think about that. I couldn’t picture myself as a husband or a father. Too much responsibility. I could barely take care of myself as it was. “I can’t promise anything right now. But maybe we could go there someday.”
All the happiness on her face evaporated. “Ash, if you don’t want to get married and have kids someday, then I’d be wasting my time and my youth on you.”
Fuck, I was losing her. “Just…give me some time. I will try to give you those things. But I can’t do that right now. I’ve never felt this way about a girl before. I’ve never been sick with jealousy, and I’ve never been driven with rage at the thought of losing someone. Alessandra, I don’t even know who I am without you. I’ve been so depressed and alone. I need you in my life. I don’t know how to explain it or put it into words… I just know I need you.”
Her eyes softened and the disappointment faded away.
“Maybe we can have all the things you want. But I need time before I get there. Can you give it to me?”
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “My brain is telling me this is a bad idea. I’ll end up with my heart broken all over again—and much worse. But my heart is telling me to give it a try—because I want you so much.”
Hope burst inside me. “Go with your heart. I’m doing the same thing. This is scary for me too.”
“Ash, we might destroy each other…”
“It’s a risk I’m willing to take.” I reached across the table and grabbed her hand. My thumb moved across her knuckles in a gentle embrace. “Take it with me.”
Alessandra stared at our joined hands before she looked up at me. Indecision was still in her eyes before it faded away. Then she nodded. “Please don’t make me regret this.”
The pain in her voice wounded me. “I’ll try.”
***
We walked inside her apartment then slammed the door. I only had one thing on my mind. It was all I’d been thinking about lately. I didn’t just crave the lust between us. The physical intimacy was something my soul missed. I couldn’t go on without it. I needed it just as much as water and air.
I grabbed her face and kissed her aggressively, needing to touch her as much as possible. My lips found hers and I cherished them with everything I had. I’d missed them this past month, and the fire inside me rekindled once they were combined again.
I stripped my shirt off as I guided her toward her bedroom. Once my chest was bare, she ran her fingers up and down the grooves, like she’d been fantasizing about this nonstop.
I unzipped her dress as we entered her bedroom then I yanked it off. If it ripped, I didn’t give a damn. I preferred it when she didn’t wear clothes anyway. When it was off, I got rid of her bra then kissed her neck.
Man, I missed this.
Her fingers fumbled with my jeans and tried to get them off. Her hands were shaking so much she couldn’t get the zipper. I did it for her then kicked the jeans away. Then I pulled my boxers off and my cock popped out. He was more excited to see her than I was.
We fell on the bed together and I immediately positioned her underneath me. I didn’t want to fuck her harder than I ever had, but I wanted to be inside her as quickly as possible. My cock needed the moisture between her legs. It needed the territory I’d claimed as my own every time I released.
Alessandra’s nails trailed down my back and she gripped me tightly as she looked up at me with parted lips. Her hair was stretched across the pillow, full of tangles from where my hands had tugged on it. Her eyes were bright with desire like she was more eager than I was.
I placed one leg over my shoulder then leaned over her until her knee was pressed to her chest. My face was closer to hers and I had her pinned down. I needed to dominate her like this, to make it clear to both of us that she was mine. I pushed my tip inside her and felt the moisture there. Only a few inches had entered her, but damn, it felt good.
She released a quiet moan as she felt me. Her nails dug into my bicep as I stretched her.
I made the plunge slowly, knowing her pussy was always so tight. It hadn’t taken me in a long time so I had to stretch her out all over again, not that I minded. I slowly moved further inside her, feeling her body mold to me.
Her nails dug further into me, but not out of resistance. “Ash…”
I loved it when she said my name. She was claiming me. I liked that. I pushed myself entirely within her and felt constricted from every direction. She was so wet but so tight for me. I always made girls wet, but not like this. Alessandra was wide open to me, pinned to the mattress with my weight on top of her. Then I rocked into her slowly, savoring every inch of her bare skin. I hadn’t had sex in a long time, and damn, it felt good.
Alessandra moved her arms around my neck and anchored herself to me. Her lips brushed past mine, and just when she was going to kiss me, she didn’t because she was overcome with pleasure. Her breath landed on my face as she breathed hard. Quiet moans escaped her lips, and it sounded like music to my ears.
I missed this.
I’d never had a connection like this with someone. I’ve had a lot of good sex in my time, and I’ve done it in a lot of kinky places, but no experience lived up to what I had with Alessandra. She wasn’t particularly experienced in the bedroom, but she was still amazing. She did so many sexy things without thinking. She bit her lip and closed her eyes when she was particularly enjoying it. Sometimes she swallowed the lump in her throat like she was trying to hold back a scream. Other times she looked into my eyes like she saw past everything I was projecting. She knew me better than anyone, down to the bone, but she still cared about me anyway.
I wanted to do this all night but my dick was growing firmer with each passing minute. Every time I thought about releasing inside her, it made me want to explode. The sensation was so amazing, and I wanted to feel that now. But I also loved taking it slow, just feeling my cock slide in and out of her. This was how sex was supposed to feel, dirty but beautiful at the same time.
Her hand gripped my ass and pulled me further into her. She always did this when she was about to come. Her actions were predictable because I had her so many times. She wanted all of me, and a lot of it.
“Like this, cream queen?” I moved into her harder and gave her my entire length. My balls hit her skin with every thrust. It was a turn on that she could take all of me without wincing.
“Mmm…” Her lips parted and she released pleasurable sighs. She tightened around me and constricted tighter than a snake. Then she rolled her head back and bit her lip at the same time. “Yes…right there.”
I loved feeling her come all over my dick. It was the best sensation ever. I pounded into her harder and gave her everything I had. I wanted to make her feel as good as she made me feel.
Her high lasted for nearly a minute, and when she loosened around me, I knew her moment had passed. She was out of breath and sweaty, and a look of stars was in her eyes.
I didn’t want to wait a moment longer. I physically couldn’t. I wanted to give her all of me, just like I had before. This was the part I missed the most, doing the thing that inspired her nickname. I gave her a slow kiss just as I reached my threshold. Then I broke it as I tensed. My entire body was on fire as I filled her with everything I had. I didn’t make a lot of noise during sex, but now I moaned like a teenager that just lost his virginit
y. “Alessandra…” I remained inside her even after I was finished. An explosion just erupted inside me and it took me a few seconds to remember exactly where I was.
She cupped my face and kissed me slowly, using her tongue in a tantalizing way.
“I missed you so damn much.” I blurted that out without thinking. Every feeling in my heart came to the surface and it couldn’t be controlled. My heart bled for her, and I couldn’t hide the gaping wound.
“I missed you too, Ash.” She kissed the corner of my mouth gently. The touch was so slight it was barely noticeable. But it was so sexy at the same time. She was the only girl I’d ever been with that had the touch of a prostitute without the experience.
And I loved that.
***
I woke early the next morning and swung by our favorite place to pick up breakfast. Since she went to my apartment with the same intention a month ago, I thought it would be meaningful if I did it now. I wanted to erase that moment she had when she saw Lacy at my door and replace it with a much better memory.
When I walked into the bedroom, she stirred. “There you are. The sheets are cold.”
“Sorry, cream queen.” I set the Styrofoam boxes on the bedspread. “I was running an errand.”
She sniffed the air. “Mmm…something smells good.”
I opened one lid and displayed the French toast, bacon, and eggs. “I didn’t make it, but believe me when I say this is much better.” I handed her a fork before I took off my clothes and got into bed beside her. “This is how that day should have ended.”
“I wish it had.” She grabbed her food and began to eat. “Thank you, Ash. That was sweet of you.”
“I’m always sweet to you—and no one else.”
She devoured her French toast then demolished everything else.
“Hungry?” I asked with amusement.
“After last night, I’m starving. I probably burned two thousand calories just from rolling around with you.”