by E. L. Todd
“Then you certainly care about her.”
I couldn’t deny that.
“Why can’t you be with her? Your father and I love her. And I know she made you happy.”
“It’s a long story.” I never talked about my personal life with my mom. It was a little weird. “Basically, she doesn’t want to be with me.”
“She said that?”
“Pretty much. I’m not her type. I’m too…unpredictable.”
“Well, show her otherwise.”
I didn’t want to get into this. “Alessandra and I will never be together. You’ll never see her again. Just make your peace with it.”
Her eyes fell in sadness. “I see…”
I grabbed my keys. “So, you want to see the shop?”
She cleared her throat and tried to hide the devastation on her face. “I’d love to.”
***
The shop was completely empty. Nothing was inside it. The tile was marked up and old, and the walls were faded and gray. “I know it isn’t much right now but I’m making a lot of changes to it.”
Mom looked around with her arms across her chest. “I’m sure it’ll look great when you’re finished with it. What did you have in mind?”
“The walls will be black with portraits of different ink on the walls. Red chairs will be in the lobby. And the counter will be made of deep purple marble. It’ll be sick.”
“I’m sure.” Mom looked out the window and didn’t seem to really care.
Since she came all the way down there and finally apologized, I let it go. She made enough effort for the day. “I’ll get this place running soon.” It was the only distraction I had.
Mom turned to me. “I’m sorry to bring this up again…”
I didn’t want to talk about her. Every time I did it made me sick.
“You really don’t love this girl?”
“No.” I clenched my jaw as I said it. “I already said that.”
“Well, I don’t believe that.” She turned her unflinching gaze on me. “I remember the way you were with her.”
“Acting,” I said. “It’s her job.”
“Not her acting,” she said. “Yours.”
I stared at her.
“You weren’t acting, Ash. This girl meant something to you. I can tell.”
This knowledge kept hitting me in the face—hard.
“Why don’t you talk to her?”
“Mom, stay out of it.”
“You love her—”
“Knock it off.” I was growing angry, and the darkness inside me was stretching. I had a bad temper and I couldn’t control it well. Perhaps it was because I’d experienced a whole other world when I was overseas. All the drama in America was just bullshit most of the time. People didn’t realize how good they had it. “I’m done talking about this.”
Mom finally gave up. “I’m sorry. I just want you to be happy.”
“I am happy.” Fuck no, I was so damn miserable.
“You were much happier with her.”
Don’t remind me. “Want to get something to eat?” I’d do anything to change the subject.
She seemed to realize the conversation went as far as possible. “Sure.”
Alessandra
As the weeks passed, Ash slowly faded from my mind.
But he never disappeared.
I tried not to think about him because it never led to anything good. When his face came into my mind, the longing swallowed me up. I missed the way my sheets smelled when he slept over. Sometimes I glanced at my door and hoped he would barge in just the way he used to. When something interesting happened, I immediately grabbed the phone so I could tell him about it.
But then I remembered he wasn’t in my life anymore.
Everything he said was true. I did want to be with him more than Brad. Hell, I wanted to be with him more than anybody. Apparently, my desires were written all over my face. He knew exactly how I felt, and it was embarrassing that he figured it out so quickly.
It was humiliating, actually.
But I managed to save face and walk away from him. I wouldn’t be with him even if he offered everything I ever wanted. He was a liar, and I couldn’t trust him. He wanted me all to himself even if that meant I was unhappy. He wasn’t willing to step aside because he was jealous and possessive.
He lied right to my face.
His honesty attracted me to him in the beginning. He didn’t care what anyone thought of him so he blurted everything out without thinking twice about it. If you asked for his opinion, he would give it to you straight, no matter how painful it was. I never wondered what he was thinking or feeling because he told me the truth.
But that was an act.
I’d never forget how painful it was to see that girl standing in his apartment. She was wearing the blue t-shirt I’d seen him wear several times. I even wore it myself when I left the bedroom to get something to drink. Seeing it on someone else reminded me how insignificant I was.
In a few months, he wouldn’t even remember my name.
I always fell for the wrong ones. Why? I wasn't a masochist but sometimes I felt like it.
I went out with Brad again and wondered if something physical would happen. We hadn’t even kissed yet, and now it seemed pretty lame. At first, I thought he was just traditional and slow. But now I was just irritated. How did I know if we had any chemistry unless we physically touched? I wasn’t a slut but this was moving too slow. I needed something.
I met him at the restaurant and sat across from him. Even though we’d been on four dates, it didn’t seem like this was going anywhere other than deepening a friendship. It seemed like that’s all he wanted. I wasn’t ready to fall in love, but I didn’t want to hang out with someone when I had plenty of friends.
He seemed different that night, like he was uncomfortable or didn’t want to be there. He fidgeted a lot, touching his menu or swirling his wine too many times. Something was clearly on his mind.
“Everything okay?”
He put the glass down and sighed. “Actually, no.”
What? Was he mad that I slept with Ash after all? Did he change his mind? Was it something else? Maybe me being an escort got under his skin after all? “What is it?”
“I don’t know how to say this…I feel like a jerk.”
“It’s okay,” I said. “I have a thick skin.”
“Well…” He released another sigh. “Remember my ex I told you about?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t recall her name, but yes, I knew whom he was talking about.
“She called me the other night.”
“Oh?” What other reaction was I supposed to give?
“We got to talking and reminiscing and…she said she wants to get back together.” He was at war with himself. It was clear he was happy by the news but he felt guilty for wasting my time.
“Oh.” I wasn’t expecting that.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to do this.”
“No…it’s okay.” I was just a little suspicious. Tony called me out of the blue and I didn’t think it was entirely friendly. “I’m happy for you if you’re happy. I just…don’t jump the gun.”
“Meaning?”
“I don’t know…remember what she did to you. Don’t take her back so easily. Make her work for it. If she sees you come back to her so quickly, she might do it to you again in the future. You know what I’m saying?”
He shrugged. “I think she just got cold feet and needed space before she realized what she really wanted.”
“But that isn’t fair to you.” I didn’t want to come off harsh but I cared about him. “What she did was wrong and she needs to understand that.”
“I know,” he said in agreement. “If she were anyone else, I’d just kick her to the side but—”
“She’s the one.” I understood that all too well.
“Yeah,” he whispered.
“I’m happy for you,” I said. “There are no hard feelings—honestly.”
“Really?” he asked. “That’s more than I deserve.”
“It’s really not a big deal. Things happen. And I know how you felt about her.”
“Thanks for being so understanding.”
“Of course,” I said. “I just hope things work out this time around.”
“I think they will,” he said. “She seemed sincere. And when I told her I was seeing you, she was really jealous.” He smiled. “I particularly liked that part.”
I chuckled. “Rub it in a little bit.”
He sipped his wine again. “Can we still have dinner together?”
“Sure. I’d like that.” I clanked my glass against his.
“Well, it looks like you can be with that guy again.”
I wish it were that easy. “No…I just stopped seeing him. If I give in again, I’ll be stuck there forever.”
“He’s not the committing type?”
“Nope.”
“Typical heartbreaker…”
“Exactly,” I said. “I would love to be stuck in that vortex forever but I know I need to get out before I’m in so deep I’ll never crawl out. I’m already hung up on him as it is. I’ll never move on if I go back to him now.”
“Forgive me for saying this, but it sounds like you’re in love with him.”
“No.” I couldn’t let that happen. And if it did happen, I couldn’t admit that to myself. I would just be even more hurt.
“Well, I know you’ll find the right guy if you keep looking for him. You’re such a beautiful woman with a lot to offer. If I didn’t already have someone, I’d have fallen for you.”
I smiled. “Thanks.”
He groaned. “I’m not looking forward to telling my sister.”
I chuckled. “She won’t be happy. I know she didn’t like your ex much.”
“Actually, she hated her,” he corrected. “And you’re right. She’s going to kill me.”
“Just be strong,” I said. “She’s the one. Shelly will come around eventually.”
“Yeah…we’ll see.”
***
Now I was back to square one.
I wasn’t seeing anybody, and the only guy I really wanted to see was a lying asshole. Spending another night with him was all I wanted but I could never have it. It would be so easy to cave and invite him over for the evening but I couldn’t do it. I’d get sucked in all over again.
I didn’t know what to do, but sitting around and sulking over my terrible love life wouldn’t solve anything. It was so hard for me to meet anybody organically because I only worked with women at the office, and when I escorted my clients, they were all men who had to pay to get a date.
So, not very good odds.
A lot of people did online dating. Some people said it was a great experience while others claimed it was horrendous. People weren’t who they claimed to be, and you never knew when you were going to end up with a psycho on your hands.
But what other choice did I have? I needed to get over Ash. He was my biggest regret but my favorite mistake. I wouldn’t trade what I had with him for anything. In the back of my mind, I knew he would have been the one if he didn’t have his weird issues with relationships, love, and commitment. If he’d been open to any of that, things would have been much different.
But he never would be.
I checked out eHarmony and a few other dating websites. They were a bit of a hassle because of the endless number of questions. And it seemed directed toward an older demographic who had serious plans for settling down. I was seeking a relationship that could lead to marriage and kids, but at the same time, I wasn’t in a hurry. I needed something less intense.
Then I remembered Tinder. It was known as a hook-up app but more guys used it because it was so convenient. Guys didn’t put much effort into anything unless it was working out or getting a pizza. I thought I’d have better luck with that and with younger men.
The app was a little confusing in the beginning, but after I got the hang of it, things were smooth. A lot of guys tagged me and initiated a conversation. There were photos and some of them were decently cute. A few of them were good-looking. One guy in particular caught my attention. He had dark brown hair and blue eyes. And his name was Sawyer.
You need some meat on your bones. Let me buy you dinner. His message popped up on the screen.
Don’t you want to ask me something first?
Yeah. What do you like to eat?
He was funny so I kept talking to him. How about a different question?
Okay…what time do you prefer to eat?
I took over the conversation. What do you do?
I’ll list three occupations and only one is the truth. You have to pick the right one.
This could be fun.
Astronaut. Surgeon. MLB player.
What? He was seriously one of those? Uh…surgeon?
Nope. Actually, I don’t do any of those. I was just messing with you. I own a gym in the city. It’s called Crunch Fitness. Now you know why I’m so in shape. He included a smiley face.
That’s still pretty cool. Don’t you want to know what I do?
I’ll ask over dinner.
I smiled and rolled my eyes at the same time. Fine. You wore me down.
Sweet. Dinner on Saturday?
Sure.
That wasn’t so bad. He had a nice personality and he was funny. Plus, he was really cute. Now that I’d spoken to him, I felt more comfortable meeting him. He was charming so our interaction probably wouldn’t be awkward. I was worried about meeting a complete stranger. At least with Brad, we had a mutual acquaintance.
I guess I’d just have to see where it went. This whole thing was unlike me, but if I didn’t push myself, I’d sit in the same place forever. If I didn’t try to find other connections, how would I stop thinking about Ash? If Ash didn’t want to be with me, that was fine.
But I wasn’t going to stick around and wait for him.
Ash
I entered Sawyer’s apartment without knocking. “Yo. You need to check out my new shop.” He wasn’t in the living room so I headed to the kitchen and pulled out a beer. His keys and wallet were on the counter so I knew he was home. Plus, the door was unlocked.
“Hold on a second,” he called from the hallway.
“I’ll drink your beer while I wait.” I plopped down on the couch and took a long drink. I’d been so focused on my shop that I hadn’t thought about anything else. It was a nice distraction from the woman always dancing around in my mind.
Sawyer came down the hallway wearing a collared shirt. He buttoned up the front. “What’s up?”
I eyed his nice clothes. He normally wore jeans and a t-shirt just like me. “Going somewhere?”
“I have a date tonight.”
“Score,” I said.
“Yep. And she’s so damn hot. Like, a ten. No, an eleven.”
I held up my beer. “Congratulations.”
“So, the shop?”
“Yeah, it’s looking really good. I redid the floors and painted the walls. Now I have a few portraits around. It looks pretty cool. And I’m getting a state-of-the-art sound system.”
“I’m sure it’ll be sick,” he said. “You’ll meet a lot of babes there.”
“I meet a lot of babes anyway.”
He grabbed his keys and wallet. “Hate to be a bummer but I need to go. I’m meeting Alessandra in, like, twenty minutes.”
I was just about to take a drink when I froze. “What the fuck did you say?”
He stilled like he was terrified. “I have that date in twenty minutes…?”
“What’s her name?” I stood up and set my beer down. New York City was a big place but Alessandra was a rare name. What are the odds of that?
“Alessandra. What’s the big deal?”
“How did you meet her?”
“Tinder,” he answered. “She’s really cool too.”
Could it be my Alessandra? She was dating the lame lawyer. Would she go out with
someone else? Would she really resort to Tinder? “What does she look like?”
He shrugged. “Brunette…green eyes.”
“Give me your phone.”
“Why?”
“Just do it,” I snapped.
He fished it out of his pocket and handed it to me.
I opened the app then scrolled through his contacts. When I found her name, I opened her profile where her picture was located.
Holy shit, it was her.
What the fuck?
How did this happen?
“You okay, man?” Sawyer asked.
A million thoughts ran through my mind at once. Did it not work out with Brad? If it didn’t, why didn’t she call me again? How long ago did this happen? Had she been on other dates? I wasn’t good enough for her but Tinder was? “Fuck.”
Sawyer stared at me. “What’s going on?”
I was sick of this. I was tired of being depressed without her. I had no idea what the hell I wanted or what I could offer her but this had gone on long enough. My nights were lonely and my days were desolate. She came to my dreams but since they were painful, they were nightmares. “You aren’t seeing her.”
“Excuse me?”
I looked through the messages to see what restaurant they were meeting at. Then I tossed the phone back at him. “You aren’t seeing her. I am.”
“What?” he snapped. “You can’t just take my date.”
“She’s my date,” I snapped.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Alessandra is mine. You’ll find someone else.”
“I don’t think so. I found her fair and square.”
I grabbed him by the throat then gripped him. “She’s. Mine.” I pushed him back. “She’s my escort. She’s the girl I’ve been seeing. She’s off limits.”
“What?” He choked for a second. “That’s her?”
“Yes.”
“Well, you said she didn’t mean anything to you so—”
“Yes, she does.” I walked out. “She always has.”
***
I arrived at the restaurant then searched the tables. It was a nice French place on the Upper East Side and I wasn’t dressed for the occasion. The host immediately looked at me with disapproval when I walked inside.
Like I gave a damn.
I searched for the pretty brown hair and green eyes I found so hypnotizing. After a quick sweep of the place, I found her sitting at a table against the back wall. Her hands were in her lap and she stared at the painting mounted beside her. Two waters and a basket of bread were on the table but she hadn’t touched anything.