The Day She Cried

by K. Webster

  The next entry takes place a couple weeks later.

  Rome and I celebrated our 17th birthday alone. It was the best birthday ever. Dad got wasted after work at the bar and went home with some woman. I’d called Pete who owns the bar to check on him. Once I realized he wasn’t coming home, I drove my brother to our favorite burger place and treated him to anything he wanted. Rome drew me a raven. I told him I wanted it as a tattoo. My brother laughed at me and told me I wasn’t allowed to get a tattoo. In another year, we can break free from Dad. Our lives will be much easier. We just have to last until then.

  Rome turns the page and something wet hits the page. When I realize he’s crying, my pregnancy emotions overtake me, and I burst into tears. Neither of us speak as we continue reading.

  I HATE DAD! Why does he have to keep hurting my brother? I was sneaky and took some pictures of Rome while he slept. So many bruises. When I sent them to Mr. McConnell, as evidence, he called me right away and asked me to come see him.

  The next entry has me gasping and Rome fisting his hand.

  He kissed me. Jackson McConnell kissed me. I’ve never been kissed before. I was taken by surprise, and slightly horrified, until he chuckled against my lips. “You’re beautiful, Raven. I couldn’t go another minute without tasting you.” My heart has been hammering away ever since. He’s been working hard building a case against Dad. Jackson, as he has begged I call him, says he will put my dad away for the way he’s hurt my brother.

  “He fucking kissed her. I’m going to kill him,” Rome threatens. “That sick asshole.”

  He turns the page.

  Today, on the way to Jackson’s office for the third time this week, I ran into Whitney. She stared at me with her mouth open. I could tell she knew. The kiss wasn’t just once. It was the first of many. I don’t know how she knew, but she did. When she called me a whore under her breath, it took everything in me not to cry. But I don’t cry. Not in front of them. I gave her a polite smile and then went into her dad’s office. We did more than kiss. I’ve been floating on a cloud ever since.

  “What the fuck did they do?” Rome roars so loud it causes me to jump.

  “I don’t know. Turn the page.”

  I think I’m falling in love with him. It’s wrong because he has a wife, but when he’s kissing me, it doesn’t feel wrong. When he touches me, I forget my name.

  We read several more pages where she talks about how wonderful he is and how he tells her he’s going to leave his wife for her. Rome is so enraged, I think he’ll burst a blood vessel.

  We had sex. It was nothing like I imagined. It hurt. Then, his phone rang. He shooed me out of his office. God, my chest feels as though it’s been cracked open. I’m supposed to be helping Rome and all I can think about is how much Jackson has hurt me.

  “She lied,” I choke out, my own chest feeling as though it’s cracked open. “She told me she was a virgin.” A tear rolls down my cheek. “She told me she’d never been intimate with anyone. Why did she lie, Rome?”

  He leans over and kisses my wet cheek. “You lied too. Sometimes it’s easier being someone you’re not.”

  He’s sorry. When he called me this afternoon at the diner, I’d been shocked. I drove to his office after my shift and he apologized for hours. This time, the sex didn’t hurt. I felt loved. Does he love me too?

  The next entry takes place a few months later.

  When I asked Jackson how the progress was going on the case, he blew up. Yelled at me in his office for being an impatient brat. I felt like I’d been hollowed out. Instead of letting him break me, I offered to pay. In another six months, Rome and I will be graduated. We’ll be adults and can leave Dad. What am I even doing with Jackson? Is he playing me? I got my answer when he bent me over his desk and apologized once more until I was screaming his name in pleasure. He stroked my back and told me we already have an agreement. Does this make me a prostitute?

  Rome flips the page and the journal skips nearly six months.

  We’re over. After nearly a year of fucking me, he can just let me go as if I mean nothing. The kids at school have their stupid unimportant problems. Meanwhile, Rome and I deal with shit nobody should have to deal with. He’s still getting his ass kicked every other day and I’ve been having an affair with an older married man. When I demanded to know what was happening with the case for the hundredth time, he told me he was bored of me. Laughed and told me I was gullible white trash. That he fucked me because he could. I’m devastated, but mostly I’m furious. If it weren’t for the fact that Rome and I will be eighteen in another month, I’d do something about Jackson and what he’s done to me.

  “I don’t think I can read this anymore,” Rome snarls. “Not without wanting to murder that man.”

  I clutch his hand and kiss the raven on his throat. “I’m right here. We’ll do this together. Her story needs to be told.”

  He slightly nods in agreement.

  He’s sorry. Imagine that. Always sorry when he wants a booty call. He’ll be sorry all right. This time, when I went to his office and let him fuck me, I left my heart at home. I can think better when it’s not in the way.

  “What do you think that means?” I ask.

  “I don’t know.”

  This guy. His threats are disgusting. Not only has he not lifted a finger in trying to put my dad away for child abuse, he’s threatened to represent my father for free. Jackson claims I seduced him. What is wrong with him? He told me he’d deny us ever having a sexual relationship. That nobody believes the creepy kid. They believe the successful, married attorney. People like Raven and Rome Murray don’t have a voice, according to Jackson. I showed him my voice when I yelled, “Fuck you.” He made sure to have his security escort me from the premises. I heard his stupid threats, but I’m not afraid of him.

  “That sick bastard,” I huff. “He did the same thing to me.”

  Rome lets out a ragged sigh. “I can’t believe this shit.”

  This year’s birthday sucked. Dad was an asshole and couldn’t even be nice during dinner. Rome cooked Mom’s lasagna. I thought it was even better than I remember hers being. Dad said it tasted like “almonds or some shit.” He’s losing his mind. It was cheesy and garlicky and perfect. I think he must be having problems with his liver again, though, because I ended up taking care of him as he puked the rest of the night. At least he didn’t drink.

  Rome snaps the book shut. “I can’t read this anymore.”

  I pluck it from his grip. “We have to.”

  Rome

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  Raven Murray, the girl with a thousand smiles. All of them fake. How she kept her tears at bay during all of this is beyond me. While I thought I was taking all the punishment, she was getting punished in her own way. Like me, she thought she could hold it all in to protect her sibling. Fuck, I wish she would’ve talked to me.

  My heart is racing so fast I think I might pass out. I’m thrust to the past. Quiet moments with Mom before she died.

  “It’s special. You can’t be careless like me.”

  I frown as I hold up the bottle. “Just a pinch?”

  “Just a pinch.”

  “Always use gloves?”

  “Please.”

  “It works?”

  “It does.” Her green eyes flare to life despite her pallid skin tone. “Rome, you can do this, my brave, beautiful boy.”

  “I’m scared.”

  “I am too.”

  “Are you going to Hell?”

  She smiles. “They can try and take me there. I’ll just claw my way back out and find a way to Heaven. That’s where my babies will be one day.”

  “I love you,” I whisper.

  “I love you too,” she murmurs. “Take care of your sister.”

  “Are you ready?” my wife asks, dragging me from the past.

  “Ready as I’ll ever be.” I press my lips to her neck near her ear. “Promise you’ll always love me, no matter what.”

  Her
fingers stroke my cheek. “I promise.”

  I’ve met someone. Someone like me. Someone lonely. Someone who wears a mask to keep those around them safe. Logan. Lonely, lonely Logan.

  Courtney stiffens and I cuddle her closer, urging her to turn the page. She does. So brave, my girl.

  Who are you, Logan? I laughed for a good ten minutes when he proclaimed his profile picture really was him. Has Logan never heard of “reverse image search” on Google? Zac Efron is not Lonely Logan, no matter how much I wish that to be true. At least Logan keeps my mind off of everything going on in my life. We’re stuck here for the rest of the summer. Rome’s been working long shifts at the mechanic’s shop and I’ve been pulling just as long of days at the diner. We haven’t spoken about it, but I know that as soon as college starts up in the fall, he’s going to move out. I’ll do everything in my power to help that happen. In the meantime, all I can do is keep Dad off his ass as much as possible. Chatting with Logan also keeps my mind off Jackson. I could simply forget about him, but he likes to call every now and again to remind me that I’m a worthless piece of trash who no one will believe. I bet Logan would believe me.

  “She knew?” Courtney asks, astonished.

  It’s my turn to grit my teeth and swallow down my unease. This journal is like a ticking time bomb. I’m worried about what we’ll uncover. She clearly hid it for a reason.

  “Raven apparently knew more than any of us gave her credit for. I’d spent so much time hiding my pain from her and she saw all of it. Hell, she was trying to fix it. She, though, hid behind her smiles and bright personality. I was so fucking stupid. I never once tried to talk to her about anything. I’d assumed she was in a safe bubble and I was only toxins she didn’t need tainting her life.” I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I was a terrible brother.”

  Courtney shakes her head. “Stop.”

  I simply nod as she turns the page.

  I can be myself with Logan, who I’ve pretty much surmised is a girl. What boy watches Maleficent? Regardless, my chats with Logan have been a godsend. For someone who dreads every part of her daily existence, I sure look forward to Logan’s messages. It’s like, for just a moment, I’m free.

  Courtney sniffles. “I wish I could go back in time.”

  I let out a heavy sigh. “Me too.”

  Jackson can go to hell. I wish he’d leave me alone. He didn’t like it one bit when I told him I’d tell everyone about what a sicko he is. His face turned bright purple and I swear he looked like he was going to hit me when I told him I had a video of us fucking. I’m tempted to tell Rome everything, but then he’ll want to know why I went to see him in the first place. If he finds out it was to protect him from Dad, I know my brother, he’ll be furious. What Dad does embarrasses him.

  It did embarrass me.

  But the bastard got what he deserved.

  Dad’s sick again. The doctor told him if he doesn’t stop drinking, he will die. I should hate him for everything he’s done to our family, but I can’t. I’m sad. I don’t want him to die.

  I wait for the heavy feeling of guilt to weigh down on me, but it never comes.

  “Were you sad when he died?” Courtney asks.

  “Fuck no.”

  She turns the page.

  Rome yelled at me. Earlier when Dad refused to eat what Rome made for dinner, I didn’t want Rome to feel bad, so I took a few bites of Dad’s meatloaf from his plate. He caught me and accused me of taking Dad’s side. Then, he threw the plate away. The entire thing! He was so pissed that I left the room to keep from crying. Sometimes he’s no better than Dad when he acts like that.

  I stand so abruptly that Courtney cries out.

  “I am not like him!” I roar. I was only trying to protect my sister that day. Fuck, if she only knew how she nearly gave me a heart attack when she pulled that shit.

  Courtney sets the journal down before throwing her arms around my waist. Her stomach is hard between us and feeling my babies has me calming a bit.

  “You’re not like him,” she agrees. “Raven was just angry.”

  I close my eyes and remember that day clearly. I’d been so livid with Raven I wanted to shake her. To make her understand how stupid she was being.

  “Sit back down with me.” Courtney guides me back over to the bed. This time, we lie down. My wife stretches out on her back and I lie on my side so I can see the journal.

  I love him or her. Logan sometimes feels like a she. I can feel it down in my bones. In fact, I’m going with my gut that it’s a her. She’s been my saving grace this month. My little glimpse of sunshine in my gloomy world. I want to meet her. Some things she’s said to me feel familiar. As though maybe we already know each other. Who are you, Lonely Logan?

  Courtney flips the page to a date stamped a few weeks later.

  Courtney Moss. Courtney Moss. Courtney Moss. I know this now. You gave yourself away. I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with you. You were never mine to fall in love with. You were supposed to love him. Oh, God.

  “How did she find out?” Courtney questions.

  “She said you gave yourself away. What did you say?”

  “I don’t know.”

  He’ll kill me. If my brother finds out I had an online relationship with his high school crush, he’ll be so angry. But I’m selfish. I want her all for myself. Even if only for a little while…

  A whine escapes Courtney and I stare at the words in shock.

  She distracts me. Courtney Moss is the reason I get up each day and keep trying. It’s so easy to pretend this thing with us is real, that she’ll meet up with me and we can continue going as we have been. Will Rome hate me? Probably. Do I care? I do. Why is life so hard? God, I miss Mom.

  A couple of months pass before she writes in the journal again.

  “That’s the date Whitney sent the pictures!” Courtney exclaims as she sits up to read the next part.

  Whitney can rot in hell. I know she’s the one who sent the pictures because Courtney wouldn’t hurt me like that. I’ve observed her enough to know she’s not the cruel one in their friendship. Poor Courtney. If Whitney sent this to me, who else did she send them to? Oh, God.

  Courtney’s sobbing at this point and I’m sick to my stomach. I don’t want to keep reading and yet I do. We both do.

  I knew it. I freaking knew it. Jackson is on his way over. He called me at six this morning. My stomach hurts. This is the moment of truth. I have to be brave.

  “Fuck,” I snarl. “Fuck.”

  With a shaking hand, Courtney turns the page.

  Holy shit. That rat bastard pulled a fast one on me. Whitney sent him the pictures and conversations I’d exchanged with Courtney and he said he finally has proof of what a slut I am.

  “I checked my phone,” Courtney exclaims. “I didn’t see that Whitney had sent the pictures to anyone despite her threats.”

  “Apparently she did and deleted her trail.” I grit my teeth as I keep reading.

  Proof that I’m wild and reckless having affairs with people online that I don’t even know. That my character speaks for itself—I’m just a girl begging for attention from anyone. That if I even think about telling on him ever, that not only will he smear my name through the mud, but he’ll take Courtney down too. Worse yet, he too, threatened to send all of it to my dad. I shouldn’t have tried to protect Courtney from him—he immediately saw it as a weakness and attacked.

  I’m so sorry, Courtney. I don’t know what to do.

  I shouldn’t have ever sent any pictures or sexted with Courtney, but I got caught up in the moment. It was stupid because the chances of Jackson seeing it and using it against me were high considering Whitney is Courtney’s best friend. Even though I knew what we had was real, it was still risky that Whitney might accidentally see what wasn’t meant for her. If she ever did, of course she’d show her dad because she hates me. Nobody ever had to tell her I was having an affair with her dad. She just knew. No matter, I still don’t regret what Courtne
y and I did. That was real and I won’t apologize for it.

  End this.

  End this.

  End this.

  He kept hissing that at me from the driver’s seat. I sat quietly in the passenger’s seat as I contemplated what to do.

  End this.

  End this.

  Destroy the supposed video I had and he’d forget he ever saw what transpired between Courtney and me.

  End this.

  End this.

  I’ve slowly been cracking, for years now, but now I’m finally sinking. Truth is, I never saw past this summer. No matter how hard I thought about it. No matter how much I ached to have Courtney as mine.

  End this.

  It all makes sense now. I can end this. It’ll be messy, but he won’t be able to drag Courtney through the mud because it will be HIS name that gets smeared. It will suck, which is exactly why I won’t stick around for it.

  I’m going to go find Mom.

  And then Rome can go find the girl of his dreams. The girl of my dreams.

  Everything will work out, I just know it.

  Goodbye, Journal. I have a plan.

  “There’s more,” I choke out as I turn the page. As soon as Courtney sees the letter made out to her, she starts sobbing so hard I think she’ll vomit. “Calm down, baby.”

  I’m so wound up, I feel like I’ll snap at any moment. All I had to do was not jump to conclusions. I could have stopped all of this by going into her room and finding these clues she’d left for me. Instead, I did exactly what the cops did, took all the hard, solid evidence right in front of our faces and ran with it. Raven would be furious with me had she seen how I acted. It was never her intention for Courtney to hurt. She wanted Jackson McConnell to hurt.

  Fuck.

  Together, Courtney and I read the letter my sister wrote to her.

  Courtney,

  Well, hello there, Lonely Logan. You sure as hell thought you fooled me. For a while there, I believed it. Silly hope. I’m pretty sure you gave yourself away, though, the 8,456 times you defended cheerleaders as being smart. The jury’s still out on that one…kidding!