What about us?

by Jacqui Henderson

  “I meant to the apartment. Earlier, you called it home. Let’s get out of the rain and discuss this properly.”

  I relaxed at his words. I was still fuming, but I could see that he wasn’t about to bundle me back to 2001 without a by your leave. And anyway, I wasn’t prepared to give up without a fight.

  “You used to like the rain.” I reminded him.

  “I still do, but we can enjoy it from the balcony and you won’t ruin that charming dress. You really are as lovely as I remembered.” he said softly, wistfully even.

  Lots of strange things had happened to me since I’d met Jack, but nothing had prepared me for this. There was a great big hole in me, as if everything had been sucked out by some super industrial strength vacuum cleaner. I had to get a hold of myself, but for a while there I struggled. The walk back would be good; it would give me time to think things over. It would also give me time to try and find something even a little bit normal in this new situation, one that I instinctively knew I didn’t want to be in.

  He put his hands in his pockets, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me. He might have become an old man overnight, but whatever time we had left together was precious and I was going to make the most of it. I put one of my arms through his and then put my other hand on his wrist.

  “I’m not the one who’s likely to run away,” he said grumpily, but he didn’t try to shake me off.

  “Old people fall over a lot, so it’s for your own protection.” I said firmly.

  “Humph.” Was all he had to say in response and we walked in silence for a while.

  “So, if you’ve aged what... a hundred and forty-eight years... then we must have had what... four and half years together, give or take?” I said, doing a quick bit of calculation, but as I said before, it’s hard when years didn’t start or end in the normal way.

  “Five years, seven months and sixteen days, to be precise.” he told me, staring straight ahead.

  “Oooh, that is precise.” I said quietly.

  “I’ve had time to go over it. I also had all the records we made together, so I still had your voice to comfort me.” he replied, sounding wistful again.

  “That’s more than a lot of people get, but a lot less than I’d hoped for.” I told him honestly.

  “Yes, but we had a good time, didn’t we?”

  His voice had a strange note in it, as though he wasn’t sure anymore.

  I moved to stand in front of him and made him look me in the eye.

  “We had a bloody amazing time mister, as well you know! You had my voice all those years. Did you ever hear any doubt in it? Any sadness, or any regret? No you didn’t, so don’t try going down that road; it won’t work!”

  “You always did have a lot of passion.” he said, chuckling.

  That was better. I took his arm again and we carried on walking.

  As we turned into that familiar street, a stray memory leapt into my mind.

  “Do you remember that time in 1754; we’d gone to the country for a change and stopped in that nice village, down Devon way I think it was and that bloke just stood pointing and staring at me with his mouth hanging open?”

  He thought for a moment and then nodded.

  “I always meant to ask what it was you said to him, to make him turn tail and run away like that. Did you say I had some terrible disease or something?”

  “No, I told him you were mother earth personified and that I was your protector. Then I told him that you couldn’t be seen in this form by the undeserving and if he didn’t stop looking at you I would be forced to cut his head off.”

  There was a snarl in his voice as he remembered.

  “You never did...!”

  We were both laughing as we put the key in the front door and went up the narrow staircase to the first floor apartment.

  By unspoken agreement, we headed into the main room. But he didn’t sit down, he walked over to the windows and opened them, stepping out onto the balcony and just standing there looking out, feeling the wind and the rain on his skin. Thunder rolled in the distance and I went over, but I stopped a few feet away. There was something I needed to know and how he answered would help me decide what I did next.

  “In all those years, was there someone else, a Mrs Jack?”

  He was thoughtful for a moment. I knew he wouldn’t lie, but perhaps he needed to find the right words. So I stood behind him, waiting patiently.

  “Not for a long time. I was so eaten up, knowing that you would be waiting here and not being able to come back for you. Then I realised I was getting old and that even if I could come back, you would be exactly as you had been the day I was forced to leave you; as indeed you are. For you it was only yesterday, but for me, yesterday was a long time ago.”

  He paused and hung his head. I couldn’t see his face, but I guessed his eyebrows would be going twenty to the dozen.

  “Have you been happy Jack?”

  It was a big question and I really, really wanted him to say yes.

  “There were two of them over the years and they were really nice people; caring and warm. They were also much nearer to my own age, but they deserved someone who didn’t have half of himself missing. You weren’t dead Grace, so I couldn’t mourn you. You didn’t leave me and we didn’t part because things had run their course. You have always been right here, waiting for me.”

  “So it didn’t work out, not with either of them.” I finished for him.

  “No, it couldn’t, not under the circumstances.” he said with a shrug.

  I nodded and closed the short distance between us in a single step, winding my arms about him and resting my head on his back.

  “What about us?” I asked.

  He patted my hands. “There is no us, not anymore. I’m old and you’re not.”

  “Humph.” Was all I had to say to that.

  We stood like that for quite a while, half in and half out of the room, saying nothing. Despite the thunder and the force of the rain, it was peaceful. It was more than that, it was right.

  Suddenly I realised that we were both soaked to the skin. He was frail now, something that even in his time couldn’t be inoculated against and I was instantly cross with myself.

  “I’m going to run you a hot bath and while you take it, I’m going to go and get us some lunch. When I get back we’re going to talk some more.”

  I think he knew there was no point in arguing with me.

  I didn’t bother to take a bath when I got back from the shop; I just took off my wet clothes, or peeled them off more like, dried myself and wrapped myself in one of the dressing gowns. While he got changed, I pottered about in the kitchen, something I’d never done there before. It was nice and I found myself humming the tune from my music box, which was still in Lyme Regis. We’d seen Ada Jones sing it live in a vaudeville theatre in New York and the memory made me smile.

  I set the small table in the kitchen and he came in to join me. It was only bread and cheese with a bit of salad, but it would do.

  “How did they find us?” I asked.

  He tapped the side of his head. “The implants transmit a low energy signal. Time can be scanned and they picked it up, but they only located the general timeline. It only told them when I was, not where I was. It’s not that accurate and they could have been three or four months out either side, so they had to search the old fashioned way. In Moscow in 1812, or yesterday as it was for you at any rate, they got lucky.”

  “So how come you were able to come back now, after all this time?” I asked.

  “I paid my dues; I did what was required of me and I did it well. I wasn’t lying earlier when I said there are no prisons in my time. If you break the law, your debt is to society. Our responsibility is to learn from mistakes and to teach others. The past informs the future in every aspect of our lives.”

  I probably looked surprised at this bit of news. “I suppose that’s one improvement in the future.” I said.

  But to be honest, I wasn�
�t entirely sure. At least he hadn’t been languishing in some horrible cell for all those years, so that was something to be happy about.

  He smiled sadly at me, as though he thought that prison might have been a better option.

  “But you Grace, you were always innocent. You didn’t realise the ramifications when you agreed to take my hand that night in Lyme Regis; you hadn’t had the training. You didn’t even know what was going to happen. You came because you trusted me.”

  He looked so sad that I had to interrupt. “I did then and I do now Jack. Some things don’t change.”

  “Yes, but I see now that your trust was, shall we say, misplaced. I was selfish; I didn’t want to lose you and I dragged you into this hopeless mess.”

  His voice was firmer now, as though he’d rehearsed this pretty speech often.

  “I think you should let me be the judge of what is and what isn’t hopeless. I think I may have a bit more experience than you on that score, despite your advanced age.”

  I spoke quietly and he gave me a slight nod in agreement.

  We sat in silence for a while, just eating, until finally I couldn’t wait any longer.

  “And...? So what happened, why did they let you come back?” I asked, with growing impatience.

  “They agreed that we could not leave you here in the wrong time; too much damage could be done. You would be on your own and as we’ve said before, you haven’t had the training, so there was always the danger that you might break the golden rule and that cannot be allowed to happen. Your being here is part of my mistake and I convinced the Board that only I can make it right and we believed that you wouldn’t recognise me. I had a problem with my throat some years back and the required surgery changed my voice, which we thought would also throw you. And of course we all agreed that I would not be so foolish as to let all my good work for the best part of a century and a half come to nothing. They did not think I would throw it all away for something that is at best, a rather nice but dim and distant memory. Obviously I had forgotten just how observant and smart you really are.”

  He smiled at me a little ruefully and I had to smile back.

  “Lucky for us then that you’ve become so forgetful in your old age, that’s all I can say.” I retorted. “Go on...”

  “Well here I am. I’ve come to take you home, back to your life as it should have been without me in it.”

  I stared at him, my fork held in mid-air as his words worked their way through my brain. I put the fork down and spoke slowly.

  “You forget Jack, that if you had never been in my life, it would probably have ended under that car, that Friday night.”

  He looked at me as if I’d just slapped him hard.

  I stood up and paced about; my appetite had completely gone and he just picked miserably at his own plate. His meaning was becoming crystal clear to me. It wasn’t that he wished he’d left me to die, he’d just forgotten about that bit. No, it was his plans for me that rankled.

  “You mean to tell me... You actually thought... What I mean is, you think it would be a good idea to wipe yourself out of my life. Tell me Jack, if that’s really the case, exactly why did you save me from that car? What were you even doing there?”

  It occurred to me that I’d never asked him and after all, it was such a strange place for him to be. I mean, nothing ever happened there.

  “Grace, how can you ask that?” he said sadly.

  I ignored the question and just stared at him.

  He sighed, knowing that I meant business. “Javier sent me. He saw that I was becoming jaded. He said I’d witnessed too much horror and my judgement was starting to suffer as a result. He summoned me and asked me to record the goings on of that street for that one evening only. It wasn’t something the HG unit normally did, but the student whose job it was, couldn’t go for some reason. I remember it well; he promised me a mission where nobody died. I think that’s why I raced to push you out of the way. That one evening no one was supposed to die and I was determined to make sure no one did.”

  He was slightly breathless and I didn’t want to push him further. I now knew and understood his motives and I couldn’t be angry any more, well not about him saving me anyway.

  “Alright, let’s just leave the car incident aside for a moment. I want to be sure that I’ve understood you properly. You are going to take away the only thing that has ever given my life meaning. I can’t believe that you’d do that to me Jack; take away everything and leave me with nothing. How could you?”

  I glared at him, waiting for him to disagree, but he didn’t and the full impact of what he intended to do sunk in.

  "You were going to take me back to my old life, so that I could get on with it without a single memory of you or any of the things we’ve done in the last five years. I’m right, aren’t I?”

  He didn’t need to answer, I could see from the misery written all over his face, so I carried on working myself up with each word I threw at him.

  “I don’t know how you were planning to accomplish that, but I can only assume that by going back and changing something, you would wipe this me out of existence.”

  I looked at him and then before he could answer, the horrible truth dawned on me and I spoke slowly and softly, knowing that I was right.

  “You don’t come and find me in the days just before my birthday!”

  I stared at him and he nodded slowly.

  I carried on staring at him. “Jack, you’ve lived a hundred and forty odd years without me, but you said that half of yourself has been missing all that time. So far, you’ve said not said anything that makes me think that you would trade that life for one without me in it at all. You’re here now. You could just have gone back and changed things. I would never have known, would I? But you didn’t. Bloody hell Jack, one tenth of those years is more than enough time to move on, to put me behind you like most people do with their first love. But again, you didn’t. So what on earth makes you think that I would want to?”

  Anger was whirling inside me with nowhere to go and I sank into a chair, too stunned to cry. The enormity of what I’d just said knocked us both sideways.

  “If that is what you honestly think I am going to consider as an option, well think again.” I said determinedly.

  “What else is there Grace?”

  “I shall stay here, with my memories intact thank you very much.” I told him, folding my arms across my chest, glaring at him.

  “You can’t.” he said, clearly upset by the idea. “In two years time Europe will be torn apart.”

  “Then I shall volunteer and do my bit. I’ve seen programmes on the telly about the women ambulance drivers and nurses. Who knows, I may even marry some poor soldier boy and try to make him happy before he gets blown to bits for no good reason.”

  I was shouting by then and shaking with emotion.

  He stood up and came to my side, trying to wrap his arms around me. But I didn’t trust him at that moment.

  “Oh no you don’t!” I said, catching him out. “I’m not having you shimmering us to god only knows when or where, when we haven’t even half way finished this discussion.”

  “Grace, I can’t just take you back to Lyme Regis, to your twenty-first birthday and leave you there, because we’re already there and we can’t meet ourselves. The golden rule hasn’t changed. Neither can I take you to a point a minute after we left. For you it would be the future and you can’t exist in it, even if it is only a minute. If we return to the point we left and I leave you there, your future will be like my past; one of unendurable loneliness. I can’t condemn you to that.”

  “So you’ve just come to say goodbye then?” I wailed, in a voice that was almost unrecognisable, even to me.

  The tears were falling freely now. I moved across the kitchen and stood by the small window. Beads of rain were trickling down the glass and water was gurgling in the downpipes outside. I heard the chair move as he sat down with a sigh of resignation. He was clearly at as
much of a loss as I was.

  “Why can’t we be together for whatever time you have left?” I asked after a while. “You’ve paid your dues; don’t you deserve something in return? We don’t have to stay here; we could go to a time closer to 2001 and live in a different place if it’s the only way.”

  I was still very emotional, but this time I didn’t resist as he came to stand with me and pulled me close to him, letting me cry, stroking my hair.

  “Because, Grace my love, you are young. You have a whole life ahead of you still and you...you should share it with someone who...”

  His voice was breaking. He trailed off and I knew he was crying too.

  I took a deep breath. This was getting us nowhere. Well that wasn’t strictly true, a lot of very important things had been made clear. He still loved me and I had loved no one but him.

  “Love conquers all.” I muttered, “Or at least it bloody well ought to! We have to find a way. We’re not giving up; not now.”

  We went back into the main room hand in hand and sat on the sofa.

  I drew my knees up and faced him. “You’ve spent over a hundred years being on the inside, being the good guy. You don’t have to go into the details, I know you can’t anyway, but think, Jack. Think carefully. You’ve had the training; is there anything that could help us now?”

  “A cup of tea might,” he replied, with a faint smile.

  “Your wish is my command.” I said, jumping up.

  “You think.” I ordered, tapping his head as I went past, back towards the kitchen.

  We were in luck. The cupboard had what was needed and I’d brought milk back with me from the shop.

  We drank our tea in comfortable and familiar silence. Jack was back; my Jack. Older, much older in fact, but in essence it was him. I watched his eyebrows pucker and wriggle. I knew he wasn’t humouring me; he was applying himself one hundred percent to our predicament.

  I just sat there, quiet as a mouse, watching him think. I could see him turning ideas, ideas that he couldn’t share with me, over in his mind. I saw when he discarded them and I watched as he seized upon something new.