What about us?

by Jacqui Henderson

  As we moved into September, I learnt that Grace’s birthday was also approaching and discovered some of her secrets, mainly because her mother was rushed into hospital one afternoon. Grace had arrived home and found her unconscious, lying in her own vomit. She’d had to tell me where she was as we’d planned to meet, so she phoned my landlady who gave me the message. As I sat with her in the waiting room at the hospital, she told me some of the details of her life.

  Apparently it wasn’t the first time she’d sat there waiting while her mother had her stomach pumped out and she knew it wouldn’t be the last. Her mother’s boyfriend had deserted her and in a drunken stupor she’d taken an overdose of sleeping tablets.

  “She’s sick Jack. She’s been sick ever since I was born. I think pregnancy disagreed with her; it must have changed her hormone balance or something. She was very young, she had her whole life ahead of her, then ‘boom’ I arrived and spoilt it all. Anyway, she’s never been able to cope with life and maybe the bottle helped once, but now it’s one of the problems, not part of the cure; she’s not strong enough to deal with it.”

  There was nothing I could say. It was part of her nature to make excuses for the bad behaviour of others and I vowed to myself never to put her in a position where she would have to make excuses for me. The positive side to all the trauma though, was that now I knew the situation, there was no need to hide it, so I was allowed to visit, or to stop by for a cup of tea. It didn’t require an Einstein to work out the dynamics of Grace’s life. Sometimes when her mother was out we’d stay there for the evening, although when she was home I didn’t stop long. I couldn’t be as forgiving of the bully that seemed to take pleasure in making her daughter’s life so bleak and I found myself on more than one occasion being dragged out of the flat by Grace, whilst being told, “Let it go Jack, she doesn’t mean it. She won’t remember when she’s sober anyway.”

  Those words seemed to give Grace some comfort, but they just inflamed me more.

  I began to see why we got on so well. Neither of us fitted into the life immediately around us and I think we each wanted to protect the other, so it wasn’t really a surprise to find that we were both starting to feel something that wasn’t just platonic. There were no long conversations about whether it was right or not, no what ifs or why nots, just a lovely journey of discovery that we undertook together and we were happy to let it unfold in its own delicious way in the months leading up to Christmas.

  As we became closer I became sure that there had never been anyone in my life who meant one tenth of what she meant to me. She would have none of it when I said this to her, but I knew my words were not empty. I had no sense at all of ever having shared so much with another person. Whatever else had been in my life, there was no wife or long standing girlfriend out there somewhere missing me. I was certain of it.

  During this time Grace’s mother acquired a new boyfriend, his name was Gavin. He was younger than her, with a very mean streak in his nature and Grace was a little afraid of him. She didn’t tell me so, but I could tell by her reactions to him. With her mother she was always very controlled, giving little of her thoughts or feelings away, but when Gavin was there she was overly watchful and wary.

  Occasionally, when he came too close to her, she flinched, something she couldn’t hide from me. She assured me he’d never threatened her or laid a finger on her, but she seemed to fear either him, or something that he reminded her of. She wouldn’t tell me what it was, no matter how many times I asked her.

  “You can’t change the past Jack, so there’s no point in spending too much time there. We just learn from it and move on and that’s just what I’m doing. It can’t hurt me now, so we’ll leave it where it belongs thank you very much.” she’d say firmly, effectively putting an end to any kind of discussion.

  Not only was Gavin thoroughly unpleasant, but the bastard also stole from her. He didn’t just steal the contents of her purse, he took some of the very few things that she treasured as well, including some of her Nan’s jewellery and the new boots that she’d saved hard for and hadn’t worn yet. Neither did he contribute to the running of the home, for want of a better word, despite the fact that he was always there. Grace’s hard earned money bought the food that they all ate and paid the bills, including the one at the off licence.

  She spent less and less time at home and wouldn’t allow me to visit any more. She told me that she didn’t want more arguments, or even worse, a fight.

  “Come and live with me Grace.” I said for the umpteenth time, one evening as we were watching the TV in my room. “If you don’t like it here, maybe we can find a different flat, or Natalia next door has been talking about moving out and going back to Spain. Maybe we could take both rooms if you don’t want to share with me.”

  “I’d love to share with you Jack, but having both rooms would be better; then we could have our own sitting room as well. It’s just...”

  “What?” I asked while stroking her hair, although I knew it would be something to do with her mother.

  “If I’m not there, who will look after her? He won’t, that’s for sure.”

  Her voice was sad and I understood, even though I knew her mother had done nothing to deserve this consideration.

  “Just because you won’t be living there doesn’t mean you can’t keep an eye her. You can go round there whenever you want to; it’s not that far away.”

  “I’ll think about it.” she promised.

  Three weeks later, just after she’d been paid, all of her money was stolen while she was asleep. Her mind was made up and she moved in with me the following morning. It didn’t take very long; she arrived with two black bin liners full of her things and I learnt that Grace had always travelled lightly through life. Natalia was still there, but we had first option on her room when it became available in June. When she returned to Madrid, we had a sweet two roomed home with our own bathroom and an even sweeter life together.

  There wasn’t a lot of money, but we had enough for what we needed and what we didn’t have we didn’t seem to miss. I took on some other odd-jobs as they came up and Grace did some extra shifts over the summer when other staff at the home went on holiday. We decided to have a short break to coincide with her twenty-first birthday. We’d been reading ‘The French Lieutenant’s Woman’ together and settled on Lyme Regis as the place we would go to. We both fancied Paris, but she didn’t have a passport and I still couldn’t get one.

  “One day we’ll go,” she said wistfully, “I’ve always wanted to go there, more than anywhere else in the world. And as you understand French, well! We’ll have a lovely time when we do get to go.”

  “It’s a promise.” I assured her.

  I wasn’t too clear on just how I would fulfil it, but I meant to, of that I was certain.

  As we set off, Grace was a bit low. She’d been round to her mother’s the evening before, to tell her of our plans and discovered that Gavin had left her and according to Grace, she was in a terrible state. I could see that she was beginning to waver; she was actually thinking of cancelling our holiday and her birthday.

  It was the only delicate issue between us.

  “Grace, she’s an adult. You can’t always be hovering around her, trying to take responsibility for her actions.” I said, trying not to sound as sharp and exasperated as I felt.

  “Part of me knows that Jack. But what if she overdoses while I’m away enjoying myself?” she said sadly.

  “She won’t.” I said with some confidence. “She doesn’t want to die, she only ever does it when she knows you are about to come home, safe in the knowledge that you’ll find her and deal with it all, just as you deal with everything else for her. She knows we’re going away, so she won’t do anything stupid; at least not until we get back.”

  She thought about what I’d said and clearly decided that there was some truth in my words. So we left as planned, but like I said, she was a bit low.

  Leaving London behind made us b
oth feel good. The weather was lovely and the journey from Waterloo to Axminster seemed to fly by. The taxi ride to the centre of Lyme Regis was full of different views and scenes to keep us amused and my mind was full of anticipation for the week ahead. Therefore, as we pulled up outside the charming bed and breakfast that we’d booked ourselves into, it was a complete surprise to realise with absolute certainty that I’d been there before.

  “I know this place...”

  Chapter fourteen

  We’d chosen this place specifically, because it was within walking distance of both the sea and the town centre. It was small, with only two rooms to let and was tucked away on one of the back streets, so it was bound to be quiet, which was just what we wanted. The woman who showed us up the narrow, well-worn stairs was polite to us and effusive about the area, but she didn’t seem to know me. The large double room she took us into held no memories for me, nor did I get any sensation of familiarity from it.

  As she left us, Grace turned to me with an expectant look on her face.

  “No, nothing...” I said slowly.

  “Ok, don’t force it. We’ll unpack and go for a walk, just as we planned. Then just wait and see.” she said, smiling.

  She started putting our things into the bedside drawers and the bathroom, but in her eyes I saw a flicker of insecurity and realised there was nothing I could do to alleviate it.

  We quickly discovered that I knew my way around the town and that I knew a lot about the history of the place. That in itself wasn’t such a surprise, given my love of the subject generally, but it added to the sense of déjà-vu that I got practically every time we turned a corner, or stopped outside a shop. Some of the gift shops, or restaurants, I would remember as a house, or as a butcher’s or something, but it was hard for me to fix a time in my mind. I didn’t know if I’d been there as a child or as an adult.

  “Maybe you came here often and that’s why it all seems so jumbled. You could have seen things change over the years. You may even have lived here, or near here for while.” she said, taking my hand and squeezing it lightly.

  “Don’t try so hard,” she continued, “Just let the memories come of their own accord. Once you have them back we can sort them out, but leave that for later. For now, just relax.”

  “You’re right, as usual.” I said, feigning disapproval at her suggestion.

  But she was right and it was exactly what the good Dr Green would have said. I started to look forward to my next appointment with her; I was sure that she’d find it all very interesting.

  We wandered in and out of shops for a while, buying nothing, but not letting that spoil our day. In one antique shop Grace became captivated by an old fashioned music box that played a tinny tune we didn’t recognise. It was beautifully made and a bit expensive, but not ridiculously so. She had very few treasures in her life and I made up my mind to go back later and buy it for her birthday.

  We had lunch in a pub and then walked along the beach until the sun began to set. She was always so easy to be with. We joked, we sang, we laughed and she asked me questions about the fossils that the place was famous for, listening carefully to whatever I said. As we stood on the beach watching the clouds drift lazily overhead, I caught her about the waist and pulled her close.

  “Let’s retire here when we are old, grey haired and doddery.” I whispered. “Let’s come back here to live.”

  I wanted her to know that I couldn’t see anyone but her beside me, in the long years ahead of us.

  “It’s a deal!” she whispered into my ear. “But we’d better start saving now.”

  We both laughed and carried on discussing the idea as we went back to our room. We took a shower, then slowly and passionately made love on the huge bed, before going out to find some supper.

  Early in the morning, while Grace was sound asleep, I stole out of the room in the hope that I would find the antique shop open. As luck would have it, the owner was already there, waiting for a special delivery and was happy to serve me. With the music box carefully wrapped up and tucked under my arm, I made my way back, creeping into our room as quietly as I could. But she was already awake and anxious. I hadn’t thought to leave a note, which had been selfish of me, given that some part of my mind appeared to be waking up and neither of us knew what it could lead to.

  She was thrilled with her present, so I was instantly forgiven and we danced around the room to the music it played. Then after breakfast, we set off to walk along the coast path for a few miles, up to the Cap and back. The weather was fresh and the sun shone for most of the day, so all in all, perfect for a good hike. We decided against taking a picnic, because it would need to be carried, so instead we took just water, promising ourselves that we’d enjoy a blow out birthday feast on our return.

  We walked, we sat and admired the views and of course we talked.

  “Best birthday ever Jack!” she said, as we looked out to sea.

  I put my arms around her and she snuggled into me. “We’ll have to see how it can be topped next year then.” I replied.

  “No need, this one will last me for years.” she murmured happily.

  Once we got back to the town we were ravenous, so after a quick shower back at our room, we headed back to the place we’d eaten in the night before. We managed to get one of the tables outside and as we ate, we listened to the sound of the sea breaking against the harbour wall in the distance.

  “I can’t believe that I’m twenty-one.” she said, pushing her plate away, then reaching for my hand. “I’m all grown up now and I can’t think of a better way to mark the occasion than by being here with you. Thank you Jack, I’ll always remember this.”

  But there was a note of sadness in her voice. I squeezed her fingers, knowing what she was worried about; it always hung over us. Whilst regaining my memory would be good, it would undoubtedly change things. I tried to convince her and not for the first time, that in all the important things it wouldn’t make an iota of difference.

  “No matter what I discover about myself and my life, I shall never regret losing my memory.”

  She looked at me quizzically.

  “Grace, I love you. You must know that and I want you in my life always.”

  I stroked her arm as I spoke. Surely she knew this, surely I didn’t have to tell her just how much she meant to me?

  “You do now and that is enough.” she said, smiling.

  I always loved her smile. “Come on, let’s go and walk along the Cob,” I said, feeling a sudden urge to be moving. “You get to make a special wish under the stars tonight.”

  We walked some way along the harbour wall, but in the darkness, she was a little afraid.

  “I never learnt how to swim.” she confessed.

  I thought about it for a moment. “I don’t know if I can or not. Perhaps we should find out?”

  “Fine by me, but not here and not now if you please!” she said, winding her arms about me tightly.

  She rested her head on my shoulder and we stood there for a while, breathing in the tangy, salty air. Grace made her wish and no matter how much I pleaded, she wouldn’t tell me what it was that she wanted so much.

  “What time is it?” she asked sleepily.

  I moved my wrist slightly to look at my watch, but it was dark. She was still wound tightly around me and I just fiddled with some of the buttons, trying to get the backlight to come on. I never did find out the time, because at that very moment the strangest thing happened.

  Suddenly we were surrounded by light, as though some bright beam had been turned on. At first that’s exactly what I thought it was, perhaps a ship had changed direction and had caught us in the glare of a searchlight, but then I realised it couldn’t be.

  “What the...”

  I think we both spoke at the same time, or maybe it only was me. I know Grace whimpered and held onto me even tighter.

  Just as we were enveloped by light, we were also deafened by a wall of noise. It was extremely frightening and d
ifficult to say how long it went on for; there was no way of telling. We just hung onto each other. Then it was all gone, as quickly as it had arrived. I blinked and saw that things were not as they had been before. We were no longer on the harbour wall. Now we were inside; in fact, we were in a bedroom.

  We were stunned; breathless and completely winded. For a while we stood still, just clinging to each other. In those first few seconds I had a lot of strange thoughts, but underneath it all I got a distinct sense of ‘knowing’. I knew with absolute certainty that this wasn’t the first time I’d experienced whatever it was that had just happened. I didn’t tell Grace any of this. She was already incoherent with fear, without me telling her something so ridiculous. I led her to the bed and sat her down, but she wouldn’t let go of me.

  “Jack, Jack... oh, Jack” Was all she was capable of saying, clearly in shock. I just let her take her time to calm down and get her breath back.

  “It’s ok Grace my love, it’s ok. I’m here and we’re ok, just breathe slowly.”

  As I held her I looked around us. It was most definitely night. The lights were on, but they gave a softer, yellower glow than I was used to and it slowly dawned on me that they were not electric. There was a coal fire burning brightly in the fireplace and heavy orange velvet curtains covered the window. Apart from Grace’s ragged breathing and my own thudding heartbeat, I could hear nothing. If there was anyone in the house they were sleeping, but it felt as if we were alone.

  Slowly Grace recovered the power of speech and a hundred questions came tumbling out. But to most of them I could only answer, “I don’t know.”

  She stood up and walked around, picking things up and putting them back down. “This room is wrong... of course it’s wrong; we were by the sea and now we’re not,” she said, her voice trembling with emotion. “I don’t mean just that, I mean it’s all... wrong!”