What about us?

by Jacqui Henderson

  In the middle of December I moved into the house. Funny... it was me that planted those roses. Never had a garden in my life; living in a tower block we never even had a window box, but I loved those roses when I first saw them, so I made sure they were the first bit of real gardening that I ever did.

  I had the house furnished quite simply and took on a girl called Daisy, a great lolloping, jolly girl, who was always singing and laughing; a real joy to have around. She was the daughter of a local fishermen and she did my heavy work, the rest I did myself. I’d spent just over four hundred pounds getting my home sorted out and it suited me and the life I’d planned for myself while I waited for Jack to come and find me.

  I was prepared to wait there for the rest of my life if necessary, but I was going to be comfortable and I was going to be in a place that only he would think about coming to. I’d saved the world and Javier’s miserable life by all accounts and I figured I deserved more than an unnoticed death in a shell crater.

  Anyway, he was the one that had told me I couldn’t just go back and pick up my life in my own time. If he knew that, then Jack would know it too, so I was certain that he wouldn’t go back to 2001. Even if he was able to go to a few hours, days or months after my birthday, he’d know that I couldn’t.

  Javier had also been the one who told me that there was no record of my death, so I had to go somewhere. To continue travelling without Jack had no meaning for me and he’d never find me if I were always flitting about. No, I was going to stay put and I was going to stay put in Lyme Regis.

  I knew what was coming, so I knew I could profit from it. I had over seven thousand pounds left, but it might have to last me a lifetime. By the time it would be a good idea to open a tourist shop or a bed and breakfast I’d be too old. Instead I decided to invest. I learnt the system; I took a good paper every day and saw what was coming onto the market. Over the months I studied the financial markets and the news and once I was reasonably confident, I employed an associate of Mr Wright to do all my business for me. I looked out for the names I recognised, they would be the ones to stand the test of time, that sort of thing.

  Through him I directed a little investment here, another there, nothing to make people suspicious, but enough to know that I’d be ok for the rest of my life. Sometimes he’d look a bit condescending and try to use his superior knowledge on me to get me to change my mind. I knew he was being kind, but I also knew he was wrong, although I couldn’t tell him why of course.

  I even bought a bicycle. For me it was much easier than having a horse and carriage or a car, which were starting to put in a noisy and smelly appearance by then. I loved my bike; I’d never had one as a kid and I went everywhere on it. People got used to seeing me flying around. They knew I paid my way and didn’t abuse others. Daisy was both fed and paid well and the delivery boys usually went away with h’apence for their trouble. The coalman always got a cup of tea and a bun and I didn’t try to entice any of the men folk away from home, so the wives and the mothers didn’t hate me.

  As winter turned into spring I started to be invited to town events and meetings. People stopped to chat; they’d always said good morning, but now we’d have real conversations. They started to share snippets of life and gossip with me and didn’t seem to mind too much if I didn’t give them much in the way of my own life story in return.

  Once a week I went to a sewing circle, which was a lot of fun and once a month there was a Ladies Instruction evening with guest speakers, covering all sorts of things from wildlife to better housekeeping, so they were usually interesting. I frequently had tea with my neighbour or she came to me. There were others who called on me sometimes and I was always welcome at the library, where I did a turn once or twice a week. So it wasn’t a lonely life and I’ve always been happy with my own company. I’ve always had things to hide, so in a way, my life in Lyme has been quite normal.

  It wasn’t that I belonged, but it wasn’t that I didn’t either. Lyme’s an interesting place. On the one hand it’s a port, so there is plenty of toing and froing of people as well as things by ship, rail and road. On the other it’s a small place; most people grew up there, as had generations of family before them and there was a quiet acceptance of me once they realised that I planned to stay. It was more than I’d had for a lot of my life in London, so I was happy enough.

  I often thought about writing to Winnie. I knew she could read and write, but what could I have said, after twelve years of silence? A real friendship requires honesty and there was even more now that I couldn’t be honest about. We no longer shared a day to day life, so those little things that actually meant a lot were no longer connecting us, so after a lot of thought, I decided not to. I’d been content in Napier Street, but that part of my life was over and there was no bringing it back, more’s the pity.

  I knew I’d be long dead by 1980, never mind by the time me and Jack came to stay in my house, so there was no worry about me inadvertently confusing things. I had a backup plan too, just in case Javier or others like him got wind of me being there. I had three watches. At least one was always with me; the other two were usually hidden in what I hoped were handy safe places, which I changed frequently.

  It wasn’t that I gave up on Jack; I knew he’d come if he could, but I had to be realistic. It was probable that when Javier wound time back, all my clues had been wiped out before he got a chance to either see them or work them out. Even if he had seen them, from what Javier had told me, it was unlikely that he would remember them. The years 1900, 1901 or even 1902 had no special place in our life, unlike the Paris cafe. I could no longer go there of course, because Javier had claimed it for himself. I couldn’t go back to Napier Street either, because it was too obvious a place and time to look for me.

  I toyed with the idea of flitting back to another time, to tell me and him what would happen if we went to Moscow, but to be honest I was too scared of doing that. Jack had never really explained what would happen if we broke the golden rule, but it was very important to him, so we were always very careful not to. After all, he’d had the training. So I thought well... if he was worried about it, what chance would I stand? And the responsibility of being the person who didn’t save the world, but who instead did something terrible... well I just couldn’t do it.

  There was always the hope that Jack would find me; a slim hope of course and I held onto it. It helped during those dark hours, but try as I might I couldn’t ignore the fact that I might have to live out my life without him. Having so nearly lost it on that battlefield, I realised just how precious it was. And I had my memories; nothing was going to take them away. In fact I had more than that, I knew that whenever and wherever he was, he still loved me and that was a great comfort.

  It was as though I’d split myself in two. There was the bit of me that was always waiting, always missing him and always hoping. And then there was the other bit; the half that was content to remember, to know that Jack and I had been in each other’s lives and could always smile at the fact that it was real. It wasn’t as hard as it sounds for the two to live inside me quite happily. I mean, lots of people never experience a tenth of what I’ve seen in my life. I don’t just mean the travelling, although that was amazing and a gift that I don’t treat lightly at all.

  I spent a second Christmas there, although this time I went to the carol service. I was invited; people were glad to see me and we had sherry and fruitcake afterwards. My life had a simple routine to it and I had a freedom that I’d never had before, not even when I had my room away from Mum’s. She wouldn’t have missed me yet. For her I’d only been gone a day, so I wasn’t worried about her and in a way I’d made my peace with myself about abandoning her long ago. It was time for her to take charge of her own life and not use me as a reason for not doing that. I wished her well but had no real hope that she would do anything differently. It was sad, but I wasn’t her keeper or her mother and I’d accepted that, even if she hadn’t.

  So you see by
the time the second spring came round, I was quite content to leave things just as they were. Unless and only unless, Jack came back. In my mind, apart from that one wonderful reason, there were no other grounds to think about changing anything. Life hadn’t turned out as I’d planned, but then when does it? So while it wasn’t what you’d call right, I mean I was living in the wrong time, it was ok. At least I felt ok about it most of the time.

  Until that is, this morning when you two turned up on my doorstep and brought me back here to Paris again. But it’s not Sunday; there’s no storm and the noises are wrong, so a bit of an explanation would be nice...

  Chapter twenty-five

  I sat back and folded my arms across my chest, glaring at them. They were the same two that I’d seen with Jack in the hotel lobby when Javier had tried to shimmer me to my death, but that had been almost two years ago and I didn’t understand why so much time had been allowed to pass.

  We were in the safe house; the apartment in Paris in 1912 and the fact that it hadn’t been consumed by fire yet, meant that it was still early August. They were dressed similar to me, I suppose in order not to be noticed as they made their way from wherever they had come from to my home in Lyme Regis, but of course here in Paris, we looked a decade out of date. As there had been no discussion about changing into the correct clothes, I guessed that we weren’t staying.

  From the way the light streamed in through the tall windows, I thought it must be about five o’clock. The apartment faced west and I’d always enjoyed the fact that when the rain stopped on Sunday afternoon, the light poured in.

  I brought myself back. No point living in the past I thought, which made me laugh, almost hysterically. After all, I’d been living in the past for years. I looked at them again. They looked ordinary, not like police or executioners. The man was older than both me and the woman with him. She appeared to be in her late forties and the turn of the century fashion looked good on her. She was trim and tidy and she had that ‘organised’ air about her. He on the other hand, had a ‘forgetful’ air about him, but I wasn’t going to let that fool me; he had shrewd eyes.

  I sighed, wondering if I was going to have to do all the work.

  “Well you know you who I am,” I said. “You also know quite a bit about my life but I know nothing about either of you. While I can appreciate that you are obviously from the future and therefore cannot share your life stories with me, you could at least tell me your names and why you brought me back here. Seems only fair, don’t you think?”

  The woman smiled. It was genuine, but the man’s expression didn’t change at all.

  “Yes that does seem fair. I am Suri and this is Hector.” she said, introducing the man with a graceful flourish. His beady eyes remained fixed on me.

  “Pleased to meet you both, I’m sure. And the purpose of all this might be what exactly?” I asked again, staring straight back at him.

  He seemed to come to some sort of decision, because he stood up and walked to the window before turning back to me.

  He held his hands up, clearly exasperated by something. “The purpose of ‘all this’ is to determine exactly what has been going on and to give The Board enough information to decide what in heaven’s name should be done about it all.” he said.

  “Oh.” I said, wondering who this board was, what their options might be and if I would like any of them.

  Suri watched me for a moment, then decided to tell me a little more about why they were there.

  “The Board is a group of people who determine what information from the past can be used to influence the future. They make the rules for time travel and they set the standards. They must also decide what happens when those rules are transgressed. Grace, this is not a straightforward case. For various reasons, a complex and lengthy investigation has been needed. This case involves you, Jack and Javier and potentially affects the future of mankind.”

  It was my turn to come to a decision. “Well, as this ‘purpose’ of yours seems to be a bit on the big side, perhaps we could all have a nice cup of tea while you ask me or tell me, or do whatever it is that is supposed to come next. I’m as curious as you are, so I promise I won’t shimmer anywhere; mainly because I have a few questions of my own that I’d appreciate some answers to.”

  “I’m sure you do.” she said, making no move to follow me as I got up. “Jack did say that tea might be part of the proceedings, so everything is already in the kitchen, in accordance with his precise instructions.”

  The mention of his name opened a huge hole in me, one that I’d worked hard to keep closed. I needed some time on my own and I was glad that they let me go to the kitchen by myself. He knew I was there. He’d told them things; things about me and about us, but he wasn’t with them. Why? Was it through choice or had they prevented him from coming? While I waited for the water to boil I just stood there, looking out of the window across the short distance to the kitchen of the apartment opposite. It was always shady out there. In that space the sun never shone and it was as though all the lights had all gone out in my world too.

  I made the tea mechanically and began to see that everything I’d built up while I was waiting for Jack to miraculously reappear had been just as mechanical and empty. I could never escape these people. Sometimes it might be Javier, sometimes these two; maybe there would be others, depending on when and where I went next. I had a strange sense of there already having been others, but I couldn’t be sure and to be honest I didn’t care enough to poke about in my memory; I felt fragile enough without opening more wounds. I just knew that it would never be the only person I actually wanted to see; he would never be allowed to come back.

  Quite frankly, I could have sat in a heap right there and sobbed my heart out, but that wasn’t going to help matters and I had a strong feeling that there would be plenty of time for that later.

  It seemed that the only person looking out for my best interests was me. I took a deep breath and tried to push all my feelings out of the way and just focus on facts. I laid the tray and walked back down the long corridor towards the other room. The door wasn’t quite shut and I could hear their voices.

  “This cannot be allowed to continue. Despite his many other failings, Javier was right about this constant cycle.” said Hector, sounding very certain.

  “Yes I agree,” said Suri, “But given all the different ways that he has already tried to stop it in all the other realities and failed, I think it is time for a different approach. A more natural conclusion perhaps, wouldn’t you say?”

  Her voice was soft, but there was steel behind it and I wondered what her interpretation of ‘natural’ might be.

  “There is little about this situation that is natural in my view.” Hector replied. “Given their respective birth years, in the natural way of things they would never have met. I know, I know, there’s no need to raise your eyebrow at me; if they had not, we’d be in a fine old mess. But, and I repeat, but, that is not reason enough to say that things have happened as they were meant to, nor does it point to any obvious way to conclude matters.”

  I heard him sit down as he finished speaking. They must have heard the china tinkling on the tray, because neither of them said anything further. I was curious as to why they were speaking in English. I’d understood every word, yet I knew from Jack that the language of the future was different. Perhaps they just hadn’t switched; the implants in their brains probably didn’t know I’d left the room. The thought made me smile, I knew I had no chance of ever understanding their technology.

  It was Hector who noticed that something had changed in me as I handed him his tea, asking him if he wanted sugar, milk or lemon.

  “I don’t actually know.” he said simply, but he was watching me and his eyes looked concerned. There wasn’t pity in them, just genuine concern.

  “Well, try the milk and if you want it sweeter, just add a bit of sugar.” I said, turning to Suri. “You look like a lemon lady to me.”

  “Very good Gr
ace and thank you.” she smiled, as she took the cup from me.

  Hector coughed. I wasn’t sure if it was because he was going to speak or because he didn’t like the tea. I picked up my own cup and sat back down to wait.

  “You said you had some questions Grace. If we can, perhaps we should address them first.” he said, putting the cup down and giving it a funny look.

  It almost made me smile, but not quite. It reminded me that I’d never found out from Jack what they actually ate and drank in the future and now I never would.

  Earlier in the day I thought that I had hundreds of questions, but I realised now that basically, they boiled down to just three. The first was the most important.

  “Is he happy?” I asked, “Jack I mean.”

  Hector looked confused and glanced over at Suri, clearly wanting some help. I turned to her as well.

  “I don’t think that is for us to say...” she said slowly. “He does not appear to be unhappy. He is well and has not been harmed in anyway, I can assure you of that, if that is what worries you.”

  “No it isn’t. I know Javier meant Jack no harm, he only wanted him back. Back where he belongs, fulfilling his destiny and so forth. I know you won’t have hurt him but that doesn’t automatically mean that he’s happy does it?”

  Suri continued to look at me, but she didn’t appear to have any more to add.

  I don’t know what I’d expected them to tell me in response to that question. It was a big one and I still wasn’t really any the wiser. I couldn’t think of a different way of putting it though and anyway, Hector spoke again before I had a chance to try.

  “Quite.” he said firmly, clearly hoping to put an end to the subject. “Your, err, next question?” he asked, a little uncertainly.