“Because in his eyes, he did nothing wrong, so what does he need to apologize for?” I shrug, hating how logical I sound.
“That’s messed up,” Hayden says.
“Right? But that’s just Eli. I know how he thinks.” Better than anyone else.
“Well, he thinks like an idiot then,” Jocelyn mutters, sounding disgusted. “Seriously, he’s going to let you go over something as petty as this?”
“There’s no ‘going to let me go’ about it. He’s already let me go. What’s done is done,” I stress. “I don’t want to talk about him anymore.”
My friend group respects my wishes and goes silent, focusing their attention on the field below. The Bulldogs are winning. Eli is playing a magical game. His accuracy is on point and he even ran the ball in for a touchdown, fast as lightning as he streaked through the players, darting into the end zone. Force of habit had me leaping to my feet and cheering for him, my friends watching me in dismay.
I slowly lowered myself back into my seat without a word. Not about to do that again.
I listen as Hayden and Gracie compare teaching stories. Gracie is in an apartment in the same town where my family lives, and teaching at an elementary school that’s part of our old school district. The moment Caleb graduates, I know he’s moving up there with her.
So cute. They make such a great couple. Thinking about them together is enough to fill a love-starved girl full of envy.
That love-starved girl would be me.
Hayden is teaching at an elementary school here in Fresno while she waits for her boyfriend, Tony, to graduate. I feel like I’ve known Tony forever since he’s one of my brother’s best friends. He’s quiet and thoughtful, and he would watch out for me at school all the time, even when I didn’t realize it.
I don’t know what their plans are after Tony graduates, but I have a feeling that whatever it is, they’re doing it together.
I envy the confidence all three of these women have in their relationships. Especially Jocelyn, who went through a lot with Diego when we were all still in high school, but they’re still together. Sharing an apartment and raising their adorable little girl, Gigi, who started preschool this year.
Everything is changing. We’re all turning into adults with real jobs and responsibilities.
And I have no idea what I’m doing, or where I’m going next. I feel lost.
Adrift.
I hate it.
“This is dumb,” Jocelyn suddenly declares as she turns to look at me. “Please come to the party tonight. It hasn’t been the same without you around, Ava. We all miss you. And if Eli shows up, we’ll be with you, and we’ll support you no matter what. If he wants to talk to you and you don’t, we’ll tell him to leave you alone.”
Gracie and Hayden nod in agreement, their expressions fierce.
I stare at my friends, my heart flooding with love. That they want to support me, no matter what, makes me want to cry.
“Okay,” I say softly, earning a loud squeal out of each of them as they all come for me in a group hug. “I can’t be left alone, though.”
“Never,” Gracie says fiercely when they all pull away from me. “I’ll walk you into the bathroom if I have to.”
“You might have to,” I say, shocked I can even make a joke right now.
“He probably won’t even show up if he knows you’re at my place,” Hayden says, trying to reassure me.
But her words don’t bolster me whatsoever. He hates me that much that he would completely avoid a party with our friends because I’m there? When he’s the one who broke up with me?
What a motherfucker.
“Listen, I’m sure none of you want to answer this question right now, but I have to know—” I hesitate for only a moment, taking a deep breath before I continue on, “Has he…found someone else?”
They’re so quiet for so long, I’m a bundle of frazzled nerves in a matter of seconds. Like, I’m literally shaking, I’m so scared of their response.
“No,” Gracie finally says. “Not that I know of.”
“Like any of them would tell us,” Jocelyn says, earning a hard look from Gracie and Hayden. She immediately appears apologetic, reaching out to lay her hand on my arm. “I’m sorry. You know what I mean.”
“I do.” And I appreciate Jocelyn’s brutal honesty. I don’t want flowery words and cover ups. Fake denials and bullshit. I need facts.
Cold hard facts.
“But even with me saying that, I don’t think he’s been with anyone else.” Jocelyn leans in closer to me, her voice low. “They will keep it a secret though, if they don’t want you to find out. I don’t want you to think Eli’s been faithful to you. I have no idea. None of us do.”
Her candor is refreshing. Jocelyn doesn’t like being lied to, even if it’s to protect her feelings. I feel the same way. I trust my friends when they say they don’t believe Eli’s been with anyone else.
I also know Jocelyn is right when she says the guys would keep it quiet from them if it ever came out that Eli actually did hook up with another girl. For all I know, he’s hooked up with countless girls. Using all of them to get over me…
Or maybe it was easy for Eli to get over me. We weren’t seeing each other much anyway. The last time we had sex was in February. That’s…almost eight months ago now. We never saw each other during spring break because he went to Mexico for part of it with the boys, while I was stuck in San Diego, obligated to stay because of yet another sorority event.
He barely protested when I told him I couldn’t see him during spring break, which is so unlike him. I think that’s what lulled me into believing he wouldn’t be upset when I told him I was going to Spain for the summer instead of coming home. But he surprised me when he exploded with outrage. Screaming at me over the phone. I called him back a few days later, and he immediately knew what my decision was, almost as if he could sense it.
When I told him I hadn’t changed my mind, he said, “Guess I know how much I mean to you.”
And ended the call.
That was it. That was the very last thing he ever said to me.
“I hope I didn’t make you mad,” Jocelyn says, pulling me back to the present. “I just didn’t want to sugarcoat anything. That gets a person nowhere, if you ask me.”
“No, you didn’t upset me.” My focus returns to the field, zeroing in on the asshole wearing the number one jersey. “He did.”
I incline my head in Eli’s direction.
Jocelyn slips her arm around my shoulders and gives me a firm squeeze. “It’s going to be okay.”
“You’re right. It is,” I reaffirm, wishing I really believed what I was saying.
Because I don’t. I don’t feel like everything is going to be okay. Not yet, at least. I probably shouldn’t have come home. But considering the study abroad program ended in mid-September and I had no housing in San Diego for the rest of the semester, I didn’t know what else to do. I took the rest of the semester off, both of my parents encouraging me to do so.
“You need a break,” Mom said with a frown. “You work too hard.”
“And we rarely get to see you, even when you’re home,” Dad added. “This way, we can see you more.”
The guilt brought me home, though I know that wasn’t my parents’ intention. I realized rather quickly that things aren’t the same anymore. Everyone is down in Fresno, going to school. Ellie and Jackson are currently in London, though they’ll be returning to the States soon. She told me she’s coming to see me, the moment they arrive in Los Angeles, and I hope that’s true.
I miss my best friend.
“And another touchdown thrown by Bennett! He is unstoppable tonight!” the announcer suddenly booms.
The crowd roars their approval, and I automatically clap, watching as Eli thrusts his fist into the air in victory. He’s playing a great game tonight. I wish I could take credit for it.
But I know I have nothing to do with his playing skills.
I hav
e nothing to do with him at all.
Five
Eli
I took all of that anger and frustration I felt at seeing Ava—having her openly smile at me like nothing happened between us, what the actual fuck—and channeled it onto the football field. I played like a man possessed tonight. Filled with the need to prove to her that I don’t need her. That I can do just fine on my own. I’m a skilled motherfucker who knows how to work magic when I’m playing a game.
I proved that too. I had the entire crowd going nuts. Bet they forgot all about Ash Davis tonight. I’ve been playing consistently since the start of the season. We’ve only lost one game and it was to a team who has beat our asses every single year for the last ten. Not even Ash could beat them. Other than that, I’m having a pretty perfect season, only throwing one interception so far.
One.
That’s pretty damn good.
At least on the field, everything I’m doing lately turns to gold. Tonight’s win was fuckin’ easy. We’re playing an away game next Saturday, and I’m not even worried about it. I just get out there and do what’s necessary—and everything falls into place. I feel on top of the world.
Only problem?
I keep thinking about a certain blonde female who I should really tell to kiss my ass.
But then I start remembering how she used to feel in my arms. Her soft, smooth skin. The sweet taste of her lips.
Fuck that. Fuck it.
We’re in the locker room after the game when Diego approaches me, slapping his palm against the center of my chest. “Bro-ski. There’s a party tonight.”
“There’s a party every Saturday night,” I say with a grin, shoving him away, playing like I’m into it. The last thing I want to do is party.
Though I should. I should drown myself in alcohol and try to forget. I should find some pretty little thing—a brunette with giant titties and brown eyes who looks nothing like Ava—and lose myself in her. Preferably her mouth. A blow job is probably the least intimate sexual act someone could perform on me.
What the hell am I thinking? Sex is intimate no matter what. I’m just fooling myself. Fucking someone else isn’t going to take the pain away.
Fucking someone else would ruin everything.
“Nah, this one is different. He’s hosting.” Diego jerks his thumb toward Tony, who is currently pulling on a clean shirt.
“Why are you talking about me?” Tony asks us both.
“He says you’re having a party.” I point at Diego.
A panicked look appears on Tony’s face for the briefest second, before it’s smoothed over and Tony nods once. “Yeah. Just a little get-together. Nothing special.”
“There’s liquor,” Diego tells me.
“Okay.” He’s acting like we’re eighteen and going to a high school party. “We’re legal now. We can drink alcohol whenever we want.”
“I know that.” Diego rolls his eyes. “I’m just excited to get out for a few hours. The grind doesn’t stop for me. What with school and work and football, plus Gigi. I’m ready to relax. Have a few drinks with my lady and my friends.”
My lady? I almost laugh.
“It’s a chill event tonight. More for the girls,” Tony adds.
Wait a minute—
“Is Ava going to be there?” I ask through tight lips.
Tony and Diego share a look before Tony answers, “Uh, yeah?” He rubs the back of his neck, his gaze not quite meeting mine.
I stand up taller, resting my hands on my hips. “You saying you don’t want me there if she’s going to be there?”
Is this what it’s come to in our friend group? They have to pick sides and shit? I’m the one who’s been with these guys and their girlfriends for the last three years. I deserve to keep them more than Ava does.
“No, we’re not about that,” Tony reassures. “I just figured you didn’t want to be around her.”
“I don’t want to be,” I agree vehemently. “But she’s not going to stop me from hanging out with my friends.”
“Good,” Diego says with a nod. “Then come over. You can ignore her, and she’ll ignore you. You don’t have to say a single word to her for the entire night.”
“Sounds like a good plan,” I say in agreement. “I’m down.”
My gaze finds Tony’s, and he’s watching us as if we’ve lost our minds.
“I’ll see you guys at my place then,” he says, slowly backing away from us. He looks slightly terrified, and I suppose I can’t blame him.
But I’m not going to his apartment to cause trouble or start a fight. That’s not cool. I can restrain myself.
Somewhat.
I go back to my place and get ready. Caleb and I still live together. We found a smaller two-bedroom apartment that’s farther away from campus, but we don’t mind. It’s quieter, the complex is newer and we both get covered parking. A total score when it comes to apartment-living near campus.
Caleb’s already at Tony’s with Gracie, but I had to come home to take another, longer shower and pick out something to wear. Something that’ll make Ava regret every decision she’s ever made in her life in regards to me.
Namely, that she let me go.
I soap everything up, so I’m as clean as a fucking daisy. Contemplate jerking off but quickly find I’m not in the mood. Once I’m out of the shower, I dry myself thoroughly and pull on a pair of black boxer briefs—Versace baby. I’m a brand whore and I’m over the flashy printed boxers of my youth.
I’m a dignified motherfucker now, don’t you know.
Wiping the condensation off the bathroom mirror, I turn my face this way and that, noting the stubble covering my jaw. Should I shave?
Nah. Not like I’ll be kissing anyone tonight. Besides, some girls like it.
My girl used to like it. But she’s not my girl any longer.
Irritated, I pull on my favorite jeans. Slip a light gray Henley on, liking how it clings to my arms, showing off my biceps. The broadness of my chest. I’ve filled out a lot over the last year. Been conditioning like crazy, building muscle on muscle and bulking myself up for the season. I feel stronger than I ever have.
I am on top of my game.
Personally, I’m in the fucking toilet, but I push all of those shitty thoughts aside and focus on the fact that I’m going to strut into Tony and Hayden’s apartment looking like top fucking dog. I’ll make Ava swallow her damn tongue when she sees me.
What sucks is when I strut into Tony’s place fifteen minutes later, no one notices me. Especially not Ava, who’s tucked into a corner in the tiny dining room with her back against the wall, surrounded by Gracie, Hayden and Jocelyn.
I send the group a withering stare, despite not a one of them paying attention and saunter into the kitchen, smiling when my friends cheer upon seeing me.
The smile feels fake though. And my shoulders are practically hunched up to my ears, I’m so stressed out.
“You made it.” Caleb approaches and we execute our newest handshake. “I thought you were going to bail.”
I frown. “Why would you think that?”
“Because of you know who.” He tips his beer bottle in the direction of the group of women sitting not too far away from us before taking a swig. “More people should be here soon, though. That’ll help.”
I glance around the cramped kitchen. “How many more people can we fit in this place?”
“It’ll be wall-to-wall baby.” Caleb grins, and I can tell he’s pleased when Diego approaches with a fresh beer for me. “Drink up. Get some liquid courage.”
“I don’t need it,” I say nonchalantly, just before I take a giant swig.
And end up draining half of it in one go.
“Uh huh,” Caleb drawls, a knowing gleam in his eye. He leans in close, his gaze intense as he murmurs, “She’s all tore up over you giving her the finger out on the field.”
I want to laugh. Such a juvenile move on my part, but it was like I couldn’t help myself. “Seriously?”
Caleb nods. “She complained about you to Gracie. Who then, naturally, told me all about it.”
“You guys share everything, huh?”
“We don’t keep secrets from each other.” His expression turns solemn, all traces of his earlier grin gone. “Though I probably shouldn’t have told you that about Ava.”
I want to roll my eyes, but I say nothing. He already explained that earlier. Everyone pussy foots around us, and I suppose I can’t blame them. We’re the first in the friend group to break up—it was bound to happen, but I sure as hell didn’t think it would happen to me.
People are already careful around me. I can be explosive. I can’t help it that my emotions are always just right there, ready to spill out all over the place. I feel everything, and I don’t hold back.
I blame my family. Witnessing my parents fight all the time when I was a kid. Ryan retreated while I took it all in, figuring that was the best way to communicate—by yelling.
Such bullshit, I realize now. My parents fucked me up but good.
And that’s why my friends don’t want to talk about this relationship-slash-Ava stuff with me. They’re afraid I’ll go off.
Before I can open my mouth to say something, the front door opens and a rush of people push through, most of them guys from our football team. They walk in carrying alcohol and snacks, and Hayden rises to her feet to greet them before she hurries into the kitchen ahead of them.
“You didn’t tell me we were having more guests,” she says to Tony, a fake smile plastered on her face.
He watches everyone trail into the kitchen after Hayden, blinking at them in surprise. “I didn’t know.”
“I invited them,” Caleb says, earning a dirty look from Hayden for his comment.
“What the hell? Why would you do that?” Tony asks.
“Joey Starr texted me about twenty minutes ago saying the party they were at was lame. I told him ours was too and we needed them to come over and bring the excitement. By excitement, I meant booze and snacks,” Caleb explains.
“You thought our party was lame?” Tony actually looks offended.
The Senior (College Years Book 4) Page 4