I nod at her. What can I say about my fictional lesbian ex? My gaze drifts back to Ethan. He and Mal are watching us. Ethan looks charmed. Mal looks slightly irritated.
I'm supposed to be selling this story…
Uh…
The blond introduces herself to Joel.
Then he's introducing me and telling her an incredibly detailed, sordid story about my bitch of a cheating ex-girlfriend.
But I'm not paying attention to Joel's words. My eyes are locked with Ethan's and the way he's smiling is melting every bit of sense in my heart.
"Excuse me, ladies room," I say.
"You're not calling her, are you?" Joel asks, still in character.
"Of course not." I ignore my whiskey shot and spin on my heels.
"You sure you're okay, Violet?" Joel breaks character.
"I will be." Maybe. One day. I walk away before anyone else can ask about it.
The women's bathroom is right around the corner. It's a small, two-stall restroom and it's mercifully empty. I catch my reflection as I pace. The dark makeup does wonders to hide my anxiety.
Okay, I'm not calling my fictional ex. I'm not calling my real ex, either. But I am calling Athena.
She answers right away. "You are alive."
"I'm sorry I've been ignoring you," I mumble.
"Mhmm."
"I'll do the dishes for a week."
Her voice brightens. "I'm listening."
"How is everything at home?"
She makes a noise that means terrible. "You know my sister. She borrowed my dress, I got pissed, all of a sudden we're calling each other names. It wasn't about the dress but… I'm back in the apartment."
"You want to talk about it?"
"Sweetie, I know you didn't call me after four days of radio silence to ask me about my sister." Athena's voice is a mix of take-no-shit and caring. "What happened?"
I run my fingertip over the back of my phone. "That's a complicated question."
"That's a bullshit answer." She clears her throat. "If you don't want to talk, I have books to read. Smutty books."
"Promise you won't be mad I haven't told you this yet."
Her voice takes on a serious tone. "I don't make promises I can't keep."
"I'm with Ethan."
"Ethan as in your rock star ex-boyfriend Ethan? As in the guy you've been pining over for the last two years Ethan?"
"I have not."
"Yeah, you barely even looked at Mr. Boring. The whole time, you were thinking about Ethan."
"Denny was nice."
She scoffs.
I can't exactly argue. Denny was nice but that was it.
I take a deep breath and I give Athena the short version of events. Mal offered me a job, I took it, Ethan and I decided to sleep together, just sex. Athena uh-huhs and yeah rights at all the appropriate places.
The woman sees through me like I'm made out of glass.
"I'm not going to give you hell about holding a candle for a guy who is hot, rich, and famous and… hot. God, he's so hot in pictures. Is he really that hot?" she asks.
"Yeah."
"Good in bed?"
"You have no idea."
"I have a lot of ideas, but sharing them would be weird." She laughs. "I'd hate you if I didn't love you."
"I'm starting to freak out." I take a deep breath, but that only helps so much. "I don't want to use the l-word but—"
"Violet, you're twenty-three."
"Yes."
"You can say you love a guy."
I clear my throat.
"Go talk to him."
"But—"
"Like you're about to finish grad school or something."
"But—"
She gets stern. "Not like you're about to finish high school."
"You know, one day, you're going to care about someone, and it's going to drive you crazy, and you're going to feel like an asshole for giving me this shit."
"Yeah, but you're so sweet, you'll console me anyway."
"I hate you." Mostly for being right.
"I hate you too. Now go talk to him. And at least text me in the morning so I know you're alive."
She's right.
After I agree to take her advice, we say our goodbyes, and I slide my phone back into my purse.
Talking to Ethan sounds reasonable and easy, but contemplating the matter is making my stomach twist.
I take a few deep breaths and march back to the bar.
Joel is back at the table, chatting with Mal and Ethan. They look friendly. Well, not exactly friendly. They're more like family. They fight, they make up, they fight some more.
Ethan spots me and smiles. Immediately, I feel warm all over. I'm not sure how I manage to get back to the table without melting, but I do.
I slide into the seat next to Ethan.
Mal turns to me. His expression gets parental. "We need to talk."
"In front of Violet?" Joel nods to me. "No offense, Valentine."
"What happened to the blond?" I ask.
"You think I'm about to abandon my heartbroken sister?" he asks, but from his tone of voice, it's clear he's worried about me.
Mal continues. "This involves all of us."
"It's really none of my business." I drink until my face is warm. I do not want to be a part of this conversation.
From the way Mal is staring, I'm not getting the feeling it's a choice.
Mal looks to Joel. "Six months ago, twenty grand went missing from the band's account. One week after Kit got out of rehab, the money was replaced."
Joel's eyes flare with frustration.
Mal stares.
"Bullshit," Joel says."
“It's the most likely scenario," Mal says.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
Mal says nothing.
"You have proof?" Joel asks.
Mal holds steady. "Not yet." He looks to me like he's expecting me to explain.
Under the table, Ethan squeezes my hand.
"I… I didn't say it was Kit. I just saw that the money went missing. It was in a few withdrawals, small enough to avoid attention. It came back the same way. I had no idea who took it, if it even was one of you, and Mal didn't tell me. So don't pin this on me." I press my palm against Ethan's.
Anger creeps over Joel's face as he turns to Mal. "Kit and I may not be blood, but he's my family as much as Ethan is yours. He wouldn't fuck me over."
Mal ignores his claims. "We need to discuss what we're going to do."
"Oh, it's not The King's orders? You're actually going to treat this band like a fucking democracy?"
Mal says nothing.
"Fuck you, Malcolm." Joel pushes himself up. He takes a step backwards. "Sorry you got dragged into this bullshit, Valentine. If my date asks where I went, make up something entertaining. I can't stand to be in the same fucking city as this asshole."
"Where are you going?" My voice is meek. I'm not good with conflict, not when I have to stick around.
"I'll be at the show in Chicago. Until then." He nods goodbye to me and to Ethan, then he turns and hightails it out of the bar.
Ethan and Mal stay planted in their seats. Neither one of them is going after him. Is that good sense to let Joel cool off, is it cowardice, is it something else entirely?
I don't know and I don't feel right being part of this conversation. It's like I'm a member of the family. Like everyone expects me to stick around. Like everyone expects me and Ethan to be together forever.
That isn't going to happen.
Fuck, I'm so fucking bad at this whole pulling back thing. I need to move. Now.
"Excuse me." With my next swig, I finish my drink. "This isn't any of my business. I'll leave you two to talk about it. Alone."
Ethan's blue eyes meet mine. He strokes the space between my thumb and forefinger with his thumb. "Stay."
I shake my head. I have about one minute of calm left in me. I'm terrified of the intensity of my feelings for him. "It's really none of my business. You
two should work it out." Thankfully, this is a wide booth. I barely manage to squeeze past Ethan. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah, later." Mal nods goodbye before Ethan has a chance to respond.
If I look into Ethan's eyes, I'm going to stay. I'm going to melt and do whatever it takes to make him smile.
Deep breath.
As quickly as I can, I turn and make my way to the exit.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Violet
The hotel is around the corner from the bar, but I don't want to be there. After spending twelve hours on a bus, I want to be outside.
I take in the quiet conversations as I walk. There's a family celebrating a birthday at a diner. There are two women at a coffee shop, trading gossip over oversized mugs of tea. There's another bar with country music blaring.
The empty grass field just past the church calls my name. Even though it's freezing, I lay on my back and stare up at the dark sky. The silver moon hangs low. The stars shine bright. There are so many stars, more than I've ever seen before.
In New York, there's so much light pollution that I can't see the stars. Here, they're bright and brilliant. I catch a shooting star, press my eyelids together, and wish for clarity.
It's quiet here. The only sound is the breeze rustling the grass and the roar of a TV across the street. Every few minutes, I can hear footsteps or a passing car.
There are footsteps now. And they're getting louder, getting closer.
I don't have to look up to know that's Ethan. I can feel it in the way the air gets sharp and electric.
He lays on the ground next to me. "Hey."
"Hey."
"You're avoiding me, aren't you?"
Yes, but I'm not ready to admit it. "Did you and Mal talk?"
"Not really. There's no talking sense to Mal. He's wants to protect the band."
"And you."
"Yeah." Ethan runs his fingers over the back of my hand. "Big brother thing, I guess."
"Yeah." I soak in the warmth of Ethan's touch. It feels good, just being near him. I want more of him, more of this. "Do you think Kit took the money?"
"Maybe. He wasn't a good version of himself when he was using."
"Oh." I press my lips together. "Is it going to be okay, the band?"
"It will be."
"Good. I… I'm glad. You're really good in it. And you're really good together."
His touch gets harder. "Why are you avoiding me, Vi?"
I turn enough to look into Ethan's eyes. His expression is demanding.
I'm hurting him.
My inhale is sharp. My exhale is heavy. Shit. I can't dodge this conversation anymore. Not with the feelings stirring in my stomach. "I'm scared."
"Of what?"
"I'm falling in love with you again."
"That doesn't have to be a problem."
I shake my head. I wish that was true, but it's not.
"It doesn't."
I keep my eyes on the shining stars. "You broke my heart, Ethan. I was ecstatic when I got into the master's program. That was the first happiness I'd felt in months. The only thing I wanted to do was share it with you." My throat is sore, but I need to get this out. "It was supposed to be our happiness, but you looked at my acceptance letter like it was radioactive. I don't know why… All I can figure out is that my dreams never mattered to you."
He slides his hand around my neck. His palm cups the back of my head. Gently, he tilts my head until we're eye to eye. "That wasn't it."
My gaze goes to the grass. "Then what was it?"
"I shouldn't have dared you to leave. Fuck, Vi, the only thing I regret in my entire life is letting you walk away."
"But…"
"I'm not losing you again."
"But, I… I don't understand."
"I was an ass that day. I should have called, should have apologized. I thought about doing it a million times, but I couldn't forgive you for locking me out after Asher died. It was like our three years together meant nothing. It was like you were throwing away all the trust and intimacy we shared. All I wanted to do was hold you and promise everything would be okay. All I wanted to do was take care of you—"
"Why didn't you?"
"I tried. I tried a million times, but you kept pulling away. You kept dodging my calls and making excuses not to see me. And when you did see me, it was like you weren't there. No matter what I did, you wouldn't let me in. You wouldn't let me help. It was like you were done with me."
I shake my head. "No, I wanted you to be there. I felt so empty."
"I know, Vi. I was stupid then. I didn't get that grief was swallowing you whole. I didn't get that you couldn't bring yourself to ask for help. It took me a long time to figure that out. By the time I did, I couldn't forgive myself for all that time I sat there watching you hurt."
I soak in the warmth of his skin.
"I tried to convince myself I didn't want you anymore. Tried to forget you." He presses his forehead to mine. "I'll never be able to forget you. I'll never want anyone the way I want you."
"Ethan…"
He leans closer. "I want to fix this."
"I don't know how to do that."
"Me either. But I'm willing to try."
I take a deep breath and look into Ethan's eyes. "What happens if I need you like that again."
"Then I'll be there. I would have waited for you to finish grieving. If you'd asked, I would have waited forever."
I slide my hands under his t-shirt. He's warm and hard and my hands want more of his skin. "What if I ask now?"
"For what?"
"I'm not sure." I chew on my bottom lip. I want a lot from Ethan, but I'm not sure I can ask for it. There's a part of me that believes I don't deserve happiness anymore, that believes I don't deserve Ethan.
He runs his fingers through my hair. It's a patient, gentle touch.
I look up at him. "Wait for me to believe I deserve this. Wait for me to figure out where I want to live and what I want to do with my life. Wait for me to be ready to fall in love with you again."
His voice is sweet and steady. "I will."
"You will?"
"Yeah. Tell me what you need me to do, and it's done."
"Really?" I press my lips together as I stare into his blue eyes.
He nods. He presses his palm against my lower back and pulls my body closer. "I want you around, Vi, and I want to be around."
"I want you around."
"I want to erase all the pain in your life. I want to fill you with pleasure and I want to convince you that you deserve it." He presses his lips to mine.
I kiss him back. In this moment, I'm exactly where I need to be.
I'm whole.
When the kiss breaks, he stares into my eyes. "Tell me you want that too."
"I do." I run my fingers through his messy, dark hair. "Can we start now, in your hotel room?"
"Thought you'd never ask."
Chapter Twenty-Six
Violet
This is the nicest room in the nicest hotel in town. In a sleepy Montana town that equates to a motel setup with beige carpet, white walls decked with paintings of horses, and one king bed.
Ethan strips the bed to only the white cotton sheets. He double-checks the door—it's locked—then scoops me into his arms and pins me to the wall.
His breath is warm on my shoulders, my neck, my ear. "Tell me you need me."
"I do. I need you so badly, Ethan."
He plants a long kiss on my neck. Then his teeth are scraping against my skin. "I need you, but I need to watch you come first."
His voice is low and demanding. It makes me hot all over. I need to be out of this skirt and blouse. I need to be out of all my clothes.
Ethan drags his fingers up my inner thigh. My skin tingles from his touch. All that heat pools below my belly. I'm already achy and desperate.
He's far too good at this, but I'm not complaining.
He sinks his teeth into my skin. It's a tiny hint of pa
in, only enough to wake up my senses.
His fingers slide under my skirt. He presses his palm against me, over my panties. I can feel all the heat of his hand. I can feel the callouses on his fingers. I need these panties gone. I need those fingers on me.
He rubs me over my panties. I gasp, my knees knocking together out of pure reflex.
"Take off your clothes." His blue eyes get intense and demanding as he takes a step backwards.
I slide his leather jacket off my shoulders and drop it on the floor. Slowly, I unzip my blouse and pull it over my head.
His eyes get wider. His expression gets hungrier. Still, he stays put.
My skin burns from the intensity of his gaze. It's like I'm the best thing he's ever seen.
Slowly, I unzip my miniskirt and slide it off my hips. I let my breasts spill as I bend over to remove my boots. Then it's just me in my bra and panties.
Ethan's tongue slides over his lips. He presses his palms against his outer thighs. He wants to touch me—I can tell—but he's waiting.
I want him touching me.
His eyes stay glued to mine. "All your clothes."
Heat pools in my core as I do away with my bra and panties. I've been naked in front of Ethan plenty of times, but this feels different.
He gives me a long, slow once-over. "Sit on the bed."
My stomach flutters with nervous energy. I practically float to the bed. My knees knock together. I place my palms on my thighs to steady myself and I meet his gaze.
Ethan takes a few steps towards me. "You think about me when you touch yourself?"
"All the time."
"Because you want me?"
For a second, my inhibitions kick in. This is too revealing, too scary. But the look in his eyes spurs me on. "Yes."
"Because you want the pleasure?"
"Yes."
"You deserve that pleasure." He gives me another long, slow once-over. "Spread your legs."
I do. It's like my body is moving of its own accord. It has no interest in my inhibitions.
Between the bulge in his jeans and the desire in his eyes, he's making a compelling argument against inhibitions.
"I want to make you come every day. When I can't make that happen, I need to know you will." He moves closer. "Show me. Show me how you touch yourself."
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