We both laugh a little awkwardly as he turns to look directly at me.
‘I’ll be back in June for her birthday, maybe cupcakes next time.’
‘Great,’ I return, sounding rather flustered.
He turns the key in the lock and holds the door ajar until I’m standing next to him, ready to lock up.
Turning to face me for one last, brief moment, he utters a sincere, ‘Thank you, Katie,’ before disappearing into the wet gloom of a winter’s evening.
After I lock up and turn off the lights, I have a broad smile on my face and a warm feeling inside.
‘Katie,’ I say out loud, ‘you have to be more careful in future. He could have been a murderer for all you knew.’ A voice inside my head answers me, ‘but he wasn’t, was he?’
‘You’re late.’ Steve is annoyed and after this morning’s argument his patience is wearing thin. ‘You know I have to leave by six-thirty at the latest. It’s one night a month, Katie, is it too much to ask you to remember that? I seriously doubt you’ve had a busy day, given the weather.’
‘Sorry. I’ll make pasta, fifteen minutes and it will be on the table. I had a customer come in at the last minute and I was on my own. As it was pouring with rain …’ The excuse dies on my lips as I see that Steve’s head is down and his fingers are flying around the keyboard of his laptop.
I slink into the kitchen, dropping my wet coat and bag in the hallway on the way through. Why does he always make me feel that I have to apologise? He works hard, I know that and he’s probably had a bad day himself, by the sound of it. Whatever’s gone wrong, I know I’ll have to wait until he’s ready to share it and a brief moment of anger flashes through me.
As I put on a pan of water and start chopping onions for the sauce I despair of the way he handles his work problems. Maybe the bank rejected the business plan he submitted last week for his latest client and he has to do a quick revision over the weekend. Who knows? Whatever it is, the way he’s bashing those keys reflects his annoyance and it’s probably the last thing he wanted to have to sort out today.
My mind reflects upon this morning’s argument and, again, anger starts to well up. Arriving home late tonight has added fuel to the fire, but it’s not as if I did it on purpose. Steve will see it as more ammunition to vindicate his mantra that it’s ‘all work and no pay, and that’s no way to run a business’.
‘I spend all day, every day advising small businesses and if you were my client, I’d say it was time to face the facts.’ His voice filters through into the kitchen, the words hitting me like a sharp slap. He’s probably right, but it’s what I enjoy doing and as long as Sweet Occasions is making even a small profit, I’m satisfied. I don’t think he realises that I’m not in business to become rich, it’s the satisfaction of being my own boss and doing something I love.
He was such a different guy when we first met, carefree and easy-going. Sadly, life has a way of changing people and I know there’s no point in dwelling on the past.
We eat in silence, guilt clouding my thoughts as Steve rushes his meal, one eye on the clock. I feel miserable knowing I put a stranger’s needs before those of my partner.
‘Sorry about tonight and thanks for putting up the new bookcase for me. It’s perfect,’ I say, trying to placate him and lighten the mood.
‘I knew you’d be pleased. You’ll fill it with your cookery books before you know it. You should have bought the next size up as I suggested.’
Looking across at it I have to agree he’s right, as always, and I nod as he rises from the table. He walks around to my side and his lips brush my temple.
‘I didn’t mean to be tough on you,’ he whispers, ‘but you worry me sometimes. I meant what I said this morning. I earn enough to keep us both. You don’t need to work and you certainly don’t need to work such long hours just to cover the overheads of that shop.’
I look up at him, trying my best not to let him see how his words hurt. Whether it’s the harsh appraisal of my ‘dream’, or the thought of being a kept woman, I’m not sure. What would I do at home all day? Sensing the emotions welling up inside me, Steve wraps his arms around my shoulders and gives me a gentle squeeze.
‘Think about it, that’s all I’m asking.’ He straightens and disappears to finish getting ready.
I thought we had reached an understanding. Since we can’t have children, the focus of our lives was going to be on our respective careers. Now, suddenly, Steve’s only motivation seems to be money and proving he’s successful with a bigger house, a newer car. And now, it seems, having a partner who doesn’t have to work. Things that don’t matter to me – I’m happy where we are. But asking me to give up on my dream is totally unexpected.
‘Why?’ had been my first reaction, when he threw it into the conversation this morning.
‘Because it would make our lives easier and we could move out of town, maybe buy a property with a large garden. Instead of being rushed off your feet, you would only have one thing to focus on. No more juggling home and work. You wouldn’t be as tired and you’d have a really happy guy coming home at the end of each day.’
The way he said it, so coolly as if this was something we’d been working towards, made me feel inadequate.
‘Teamworking at its best, Katie. I bring in the money, you keep everything ticking over smoothly at home and you get some time for yourself. No more worrying about deliveries, or staff turning up. Promise me you’ll think about it.’
If we’d ended the conversation at that point, the row wouldn’t have developed. But when I’d tried to justify what I do and explain how important the shop was to me, it had made him angry.
‘I’m working hard for us, Katie, and it seems whatever I do counts for nothing. I want to make our lives easier and yet you’d rather struggle and cause us both a lot of grief by hanging on to your ridiculous dream. You aren’t a businesswoman and you never will be.’
I left the house at that point, slamming the door behind me without uttering a single word. If I was in debt, and unable to pay my bills, I could maybe understand why this meant so much to him. So what if I’m not making a big profit, life is about being happy in what you do, isn’t it? As I drove to work in the pouring rain, the dark grey sky mirrored my mood. Suddenly I was beginning to feel trapped and the thought terrified me.
Adam
Home Is Where The Heart Is …
‘Grandma, you look lovely as ever. How have you been?’
Grandma Grace stands in front of me, a hint of relief passing over her face. She quickly replaces it with her trademark, playful smile. Her eyes twinkle and I can see she’s delighted I’m home again, even though I moved out a long time ago.
‘You charmer! I’ve been very worried, but I’m glad you are finally here and in one piece. What on earth happened? It’s been three hours since you rang to say you had a puncture. I was on the verge of phoning the police.’
‘Oh, Grandma, I’m all grown up now and I don’t think the police would take kindly to a call asking them to find out why your grandson is late. I rang, not to worry you, but to let you know I would be delayed.’
She ushers me into the sitting room as if I need to be fussed over and treated with special care. I can’t believe she still worries about me as if I’m six years old and can’t look after myself.
‘Confession time, I’m afraid.’ I throw my jacket on the side of the chair and offer up the cake box with a grimace. ‘I left your present at home, so I’m going to have to post it to you when I get back. However, I met this wonderful guardian angel on the way here. She dried my shirt, and thawed me out with coffee and some hot food. She also happens to make the most amazing cakes. This is for you.’
Grandma Grace peers at me with interest over the top of her glasses, taking the box from my hands and placing it on the side. She wraps her arms around as much of me as she can reach, being at least a foot shorter, and gives me a fierce hug.
‘Thank you, my dear, but the only present I wanted
was to see you standing here in one piece. It’s such a long journey and the weather! That rain is relentless, so many places are flooded. To think of you at the side of the road worried me to death and I will admit to saying a few little prayers as one hour turned into two, then three …’
She raises her eyebrow sternly, but it’s a brief moment before those twinkly blue eyes are full of love and laughter again.
‘My boy is here and that’s all that counts.’
‘Grandma, I haven’t been a boy for many years,’ I retort, softly, as she releases me with a tender pat on my back. She might be in her twilight years but her spirit is strong and her mind as sharp as ever. We all thought she’d fade away when Pop died, but the truth is he’s the one who would have faded if she had gone first.
‘You will always be a boy to me. Now, tell me more about this guardian angel of yours.’
While the tea is brewing and the cake is sliced, I hang around the kitchen as I did when I was growing up. Grandma Grace was always easy to talk to; she seemed to understand even when the words wouldn’t come. Her instincts filled in the gaps at times when even I couldn’t make sense of what was going on inside my head. After this failed relationship I began to despair of ever finding someone special.
‘You can’t hurry love,’ she’d told me. ‘It takes time to find your soulmate and in the process you change and grow. That’s why young love often withers, as Pop would have said. Two people either change and grow together, or they grow apart. Love is about sustaining what comes after that first hormonal rush.’
‘But that wasn’t the case for the two of you,’ I remember pointing out.
‘There has to be an exception to every rule,’ she’d replied, with a wicked smile. ‘We were lucky. Fate was kind to us. But with hindsight, we were too young and naive to understand that until much later in life. Don’t fret, Adam, there’s a wonderful young woman out there for you when the time is right.’
Sadly, when I reached that point it too turned out to be yet another huge failure. This time the consequences had been more painful than I could ever have imagined. Kelly was everything I thought I wanted in a woman and, after adjusting to the shock of an unplanned pregnancy, she was a fantastic mother. With hindsight I can see now that parenthood came too early in our relationship, we hardly knew each other. Suddenly I was a family man and yet, surprisingly, the role seemed to come naturally to me. I loved Sunday mornings the best. When a little head would appear on the pillow next to me at some unearthly hour and a warm little hand would wind its way around my neck.
Lily Grace is my sanity, my raison d’être. Even though Kelly has moved on and has someone new in her life, Lily comes first and being good parents is our top priority. At the time of our split I took it hard. We had this family life that was amazing, but suddenly one day we woke up and things were different. We were merely friends who happened to share the same house. That passionate desire to be a real couple, and to love one another, had silently departed. What held us together was the love we had for our daughter. Kelly and I were devastated, but we knew that it was only a matter of time before things would start to fall apart. We agreed to separate on the understanding that Lily Grace’s welfare would always come first, for us both. On alternate weeks Lily comes to stay with me and I organise my working life around ‘Lily time’. It means the days I don’t have Lily, I’m constantly on the road. It allows me to work from home and do the school-run when she’s with me. It’s rare I have to call in a babysitter and I hate doing that, as I never want Lily to feel she’s inconvenient.
‘How’s Lily? When are you bringing her down again?’ Grandma Grace interrupts my thoughts and hands me the tray to carry through to the sitting room.
‘She’s great and Kelly sends her love. I told you that Lily is with Kelly this Christmas, but I’ll bring her to see you for New Year. Then we’ll be down again for your birthday. Kelly’s off to France, so I’m taking ten days off to have Lily.’
‘Wonderful! What a treat, I can’t wait to see her. I bet she’s grown.’
It dawns on me that Lily is a gift to us all. I only wish my mother had lived to meet her, but Grandma Grace and Pop were around to give Lily that sense of family. Losing Pop had been tough on us all and it was hard to answer Lily when she asked the question, ‘why do people have to die, Daddy?’
‘And is there a special lady in your life at the moment?’ Sparkling eyes search mine, but I’ve nothing to hide.
‘I’ve given up on dating. I’m not cut out for commitment it seems, and I’m not sure I want to go through all that emotional stuff again. Besides, I’m not sure Kelly would be too impressed if a new lady suddenly appeared on the scene.’
‘Kelly has a new man in her life, so I can’t see how she could possibly be upset. Surely she realises you aren’t going to be on your own forever? Forever is a long time, Adam.’
There’s a tinge of sadness in her expression, which she quickly hides with a fleeting smile of reassurance. It’s obvious what she’s thinking.
No one should be alone. Ever.
Katie
Sometimes The Truth Hurts
‘You aren’t thinking of taking Steve up on his offer, are you?’ The look on Hazel’s face is one of horror.
‘Don’t worry, this business is here to stay, so don’t go looking for another job. And don’t say a word to Francis. He’s the best baker we’ve had and I don’t want you unsettling him.’
Hazel is like an open book and you can almost see her mind whirling with ‘what if’s’.
‘What if Steve delivers an ultimatum?’
You see what I mean!
‘Relationships don’t grow if one person starts making all the decisions and the other is expected to toe the line,’ she adds. ‘A relationship is about working together and resolving each little issue as it arises.’
Hazel hands me another tray of purple and silver frosted blueberry cupcakes for the display cabinet. Francis is the best baker I’ve employed so far and I’m praying he stays. Before him the longest-serving baker we’ve had lasted eight months and he was enticed away by an offer I simply couldn’t match. If Francis moves on then, unless a miracle happens, I’ll be back to doing two jobs instead of one. Hazel is brilliant with the customers and she’s good with cupcakes, but that’s it. I’ve known her since school and she’s my best friend, but in some ways we are very different. She admits she hasn’t the patience to develop her skills and the more elaborate cakes can take many hours to decorate and assemble.
‘Katie, there’s something I need to ask you, but I’m not sure you’re going to appreciate the question. I’ll hate myself if I don’t put it out there, though.’
I spin around, ready for the next tray and Hazel looks directly at me, her face reflecting friendly concern.
‘Okay, if it’s something that’s bothering you that much you’d better get it out of the way.’
‘Why do you stay with Steve when he bullies you?’
I’m a little taken aback by her question. It wasn’t quite what I was expecting her to ask. Bullying? Is that really how it appears to people looking in on our relationship?
‘Well, Steve has strong opinions but I don’t think you can call that bullying. Remember, he has years of experience in starting up new businesses, overseeing their development and business planning. He has my best interests at—’
‘Forcing someone to do something they don’t want to do is bullying,’ Hazel interrupts, passing me a tray of lemon-frosted ginger cupcakes, then turning away immediately to ready the next tray. She doesn’t want to look me in the eye, for some reason. ‘Clever bullies get their own way without their victim even knowing it!’
When, at last, she does turn back to look at me, she whispers. ‘Sorry, but someone had to say something and I guess that’s what friends are for. I’m not trying to hurt you, Katie. I think you are hurting enough already.’
Suddenly my eyes are watering and now I’m the one to turn away.
�
�It’s different between a man and a woman,’ I whisper back. I pause to listen out for noises from the kitchen to confirm Francis is out of earshot of this conversation. I’m shocked Hazel regards Steve as a bully.
‘Oh, so the fact that I’m gay means my relationship works by a different set of rules? Wake up and smell the coffee, Katie. Steve is a man who likes to have control. It’s been like that since day one, surely you know that?’
I blink a few times rather than brushing my hand over my eyes, as I don’t want Hazel to know I’m tearing up. It’s tiredness after a long week, that’s all. I wouldn’t want her to think she’d upset me and I’m certainly not angry, only extremely surprised she should get it so badly wrong.
‘Men have a different way of handling things, that’s all I’m saying. When it comes to business, Steve is right in many ways, but Sweet Occasions is about more than money. I love coming to work every morning and that’s worth a lot more to me than a bigger profit at the end of the month.’
Hazel shakes her head with concern. ‘You’re a lost cause, Katie. I only hope that one day you don’t wake up having lost your dream and with no idea how it happened. All I’m trying to say – with love and your best interests at heart – is please make sure you know what you’re doing.’
She places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes gently. The gesture touches me and I have to walk away before the tears begin to spill over.
June
Grandma Grace’s Birthday
Adam
Cake Heaven
‘Where are we, Dad?’ Lily sticks out her lower lip to blow a waft of air upwards, moving her wayward fringe out of her eyes. It must be the hottest day we’ve had so far this year.
‘We’re calling in to collect Grandma’s birthday present. I hope she likes it. It’s a special one this year as she’s eighty years old.’
‘That’s old. Will Grandma have a cake and candles? It will have to be a big cake.’ Her eyes open wide as she pictures a cake covered in candles. ‘How will she blow them all out? I had eight on my last birthday and you had to help me.’ Her little face frowns as she mulls this over. I can’t help chuckling.
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 2