‘Grandma doesn’t like parties, so we’re buying her a very special cake just for the three of us. All she wanted for her birthday was a visit from you. You’re going to have to help her unwrap some very fun presents.’
Lily swivels her head to look at me with eager anticipation.
‘They arrived yesterday at Grandma Grace’s house in three enormous boxes. She can’t wait to open them and it will make her smile when she discovers what’s inside.’
‘Oh, okay. I like parties. Why doesn’t Grandma like them?’
You can’t explain to an eight-year-old that when someone loses their soulmate of over fifty years it’s hard to find the will to go on. Each day they wake up is a reminder that the love of their life is no longer by their side. Grandma won’t give up, of course, she’s from a generation who were brought up during tough times and the spirit remains strong. But her zest for life isn’t the same and now she’s virtually a recluse. She has locked herself away to spend her days pottering in the garden, or reading if the weather is inclement. If she didn’t have the garden … I can’t even contemplate what the future would hold. She’s always been there for Lily, and me.
‘Grandma doesn’t like lots of noise and people, besides she’s very happy knowing that you are coming for a special visit.’
‘And you, Dad. Grandma likes to see you too.’
Lily’s face puckers up into an excited smile and her words remind me that she’s right. I only wish I lived closer, had more time. Guilt gnaws away at me, pulling me down. I also know that while Grandma loves a visit, she struggles at times to cope with the upheaval. Before I can respond, Lily starts chattering away again.
‘I don’t think Grandma likes to see Mummy, though. I do miss Pop, Daddy. Do you miss him too?’
At times she takes my breath away. What doesn’t she see? Her little mind processes everything and just when you think old memories have been forgotten, they come back as bright and fresh as if they were new.
‘I miss Pop, too, honey. We can’t see him but I know he’s watching over us.’ The words sound hollow, but already she’s moved on and is flicking between screens on her iPad.
‘Here we are.’ I manage to find a parking space a few yards away from Sweet Occasions. Lily looks out of the window, excitedly.
‘Dad, will Grandma like her cake?’
‘I hope so; even I haven’t seen it yet. A very clever lady designed it especially for Grandma, so I think it’s going to be amazing.’
She smiles at me. A look of pure pleasure flashes across her face, reminding me that a special birthday cake is a big deal.
Walking up to the shop it looks very different seeing it on a bright, summer’s day. Somehow the gloom and driving rain on my first visit had hidden the slightly shabby appearance of the exterior paintwork. Inside is still just as cosy as I remembered, though, with a vintage look that screams country living. In my semi-frozen state I was hardly able to take in the loving care with which this not-so-little cake shop has been styled. It is like stepping into a virtual cupcake heaven, but it’s the attention to detail that marks it as special. The counters run in an L-shape, beyond which it opens up into an area extending back a little further into the property. Obviously some serious cake selling takes place here, as there are a dozen small tables, all with pristine tablecloths and a vase in the centre with a few fresh flowers. The walls of this room have built-in dressers displaying an array of vintage china. In the middle of the room is a trolley with a range of cake boards, napkins, forks and several of those silver cake slicers. Those, too, look like they are antiques, not just modern stainless steel ones you pick up in the sales. One of the dressers houses a stack of folders, which I presume show off the range of cakes that can be ordered. I hadn’t appreciated this wasn’t also a cafe, the coffee machine is purely for clients and goodness knows where Katie managed to find something savoury to feed me that day. That’s rather embarrassing, as I didn’t realise quite how accommodating she was being. Everything here is sweet, sweet, sweet. Lily’s eyes are everywhere.
Today it’s very busy and there is a long queue of people waiting to be served. Katie, a guy and another woman I haven’t seen before are all hurrying back and forth between the kitchen and the shop. They bring out a stunning assortment of cakes and Lily eyes a pink, girlie birthday cake with pure delight.
‘Dad, can I have a princess cake like that one for my birthday,’ she trills. Her voice rises above the general chatter, attracting a few smiles. Katie’s eyes are drawn towards us and she recognises me, giving a welcoming wave.
‘Maybe, if we tie it in with a visit to Grandma, Lily.’ I smile down at her upturned face. Her eyes sparkle and she reminds me of her mother. I’m such a screw-up. Lily deserves a perfect family life and here we are, her life split in two, with constant hellos and goodbyes. What does that tell her about relationships, I wonder, and how will all this affect her in the future?
‘Hi.’ Katie’s voice is warm and happy. She gives me a brief smile and then looks down at Lily. ‘And who are you?’
‘I’m Lily,’ a shy little voice returns. ‘I’m eight.’
Katie laughs and flashes me a broad smile.
‘You’re a tall girl for eight. Lovely to meet you, Lily. I’m Katie. Have you come to collect your grandma’s cake?’
‘Yes.’ Her shy voice is now merely a squeak.
‘Please,’ I add, raising an eyebrow at her.
‘Please,’ Lily repeats, sounding a little more confident.
When Katie returns with the cake Lily claps her hands and does a little skip on the spot.
‘Daddeee – it’s awesome!’ she squeals.
Katie has indeed done a great job. I asked for something that wasn’t too big, but I wanted it to be fun. A happy cake, I’d told her and that is exactly what she’s made. The simple, eight-inch cake is covered with white icing and a cascade of multicoloured balloons sit on top. They are built up into a tower and how on earth she’s managed that I have no idea, but it’s perfect.
‘My, that’s amazing.’
‘I aim to please. I do hope your grandma likes it, Lily.’ Katie kneels down in front of Lily to let her see the detail on the top.
‘She’s my great-grandma really and, oh, she will! And I love it too.’ Her little voice wavers. What is she thinking now? Please don’t let it be that she wishes mummy was here to share this moment. I hope that phase is now done and she can cope with our parallel existence.
‘I have to put it into a special box, so that it won’t get squashed when you carry it out to the car,’ Katie explains. She straightens, balancing the cake expertly on her upturned hand.
‘Thank you. Really, you did a great job.’
‘You did say eighty, didn’t you? I thought you could add this, to finish it off.’
Katie holds out a handmade candle, just the one, with an eight and a zero attached in pale lilac.
‘Appropriate, or not?’ She looks at me hesitantly.
‘Perfect.’ Our eyes meet for the briefest of moments and a warm sensation passes over me. That extra touch makes all the difference.
‘I’ll box it up, then. Come and sit at our tasting table. Maybe Lily would like to try some cake while I finish up.’
Lily eyes the little trays containing cake samples and nods, enthusiastically. She picks up a fork and stabs at a cube of strawberry and vanilla cake, as Katie expertly assembles a sturdy box.
‘Business looks good,’ I venture, breaking what is fast becoming an awkward silence.
‘It is,’ Katie replies, biting her lip, ‘but not good enough to expand our operation yet. I’m hoping to get a large commercial contract and that will make all the difference.’
‘Tough times for small businesses,’ I add, wishing I’d picked an easier topic. I’m such an idiot; small talk has never been my thing.
‘Well, business rates are high and the overheads seem to mount up. I have a great financial advisor though, and he’s helping me grow the business.
’
I feel a little embarrassed by her honesty and, I have to admit, a bit surprised.
‘Always handy to have someone you trust, I should imagine, giving advice.’
‘Well, yes, he’s my partner, actually.’ The moment the words leave her lips she blushes, and I notice her hands falter as she ties a big ribbon around the box.
‘Ah, I hope he’s giving you a substantial discount,’ I add, amiably.
Our eyes lock for a few seconds and then she glances across at Lily, who is about to devour another cube of chocolate cake.
‘Mmm.’ Lily turns to face us. ‘My favourite. Dad, you must try this one.’
‘Thank you, Lily.’ Taking the fork I pop it into my mouth and she’s right, it almost melts on my tongue.
‘Dee-licious.’ I roll my eyes, as Katie and Lily chuckle.
We walk across to the counter so that I can pay and Katie hands over the cake box. I take it from her gingerly, hoping the decorations are stuck firmly in place.
‘Don’t drop it,’ she adds, winking at Lily. Then she hands Lily a little box of her own. ‘It’s a chocolate and banana cupcake, for later.’
‘Ooh, thank you, Katie.’ Lily gingerly takes the box into her little hands as if it’s made of glass. ‘My own little cake,’ she adds, softly.
‘Thank you so much. I’ll be back at Christmas. Good luck with that contract.’ I nod briefly as Katie walks briskly around the counter to open the door for us.
‘Well done for remembering to say thank you, Lily,’ I add, motioning with my head for Lily to walk in front of me.
‘She’s cute,’ Katie says as I pass by, following Lily out of the door. ‘Goodbye, Lily. Maybe I’ll see you at Christmas.’
Katie turns to face me and her smile almost takes my breath away. I stand there for a few seconds rooted to the spot, before I remember Lily has gone on ahead. I want to say something, but I can’t find the words. Instead I throw in a, ‘See you at Christmas’ and walk out, wanting to kick myself. Hardly parting words guaranteed to make an impression, but then she did mention she has a partner. No ring, I notice, but that’s probably because jewellery and baking don’t mix.
Katie
Life Isn’t Always Fair
‘There was a lot of eye contact going on there. Who’s the guy?’ Hazel sidles up to me as I replace the gaps in the cupcake display.
‘A customer.’
‘Seems like he knew you,’ Hazel adds, expecting a response. When it wasn’t forthcoming she added, ‘and the little girl had lovely manners.’
‘There’s nothing to tell. He came in last Christmas and bought a cake for his elderly grandmother. He ordered a birthday cake for her and they’re off to deliver it. I don’t know anything about him and I had no idea he even had a daughter. He’s just a customer, Hazel, it’s none of my – our – business.’ I give her a look, raising one eyebrow to make the point that there is nothing else to be said.
‘Pity. Nice-looking guy, very polite.’
‘I already have a partner, Hazel. I’m not shopping around for another guy and I don’t steal other people’s husbands.’
‘I was only saying …’
The unspoken words are too easy to conjure up. I know Hazel cares about me, but she has it all wrong when it comes to my relationship. Steve loves me and he doesn’t want to see me fail when it comes to Sweet Occasions. He has reluctantly accepted that I don’t want to give it all up and become a lady of leisure and the reason he’s now advising me on how to grow the business is because he believes in me, in my dream. Now I sound like I’m trying to convince myself, too.
‘Katie …’ Hazel absentmindedly straightens a row of coconut and passion fruit cupcakes ‘… what if Steve’s plan fails? What if you don’t get that contract?’
I lean back against the worktop, sweeping a few strands of hair, which have escaped my French twist, away from my face.
‘We’ll get it.’ My voice sounds confident. In truth I’m not so sure – either that we will win the contract, or that it’s the right way to go. If we are successful, I can’t even begin to think about the pressure we’re going to be under. We aren’t geared up for high volume. Even with another staff member, it’s going to be hard to cope when it comes to supplying a chain of wedding venues.
‘Steve is just doing what he does best, Hazel. Advising businesses about profitability and return on investment is his business. He says I should either get serious about it, which means guaranteeing a long-term future for us all, or walk away and find something else to do with my time. His alternative is that I stay home and support him. The consultancy business has really taken off, but it has major peaks and troughs. I think he’d like me to get involved on the admin side when he’s under pressure with a new start-up, and then be there to take advantage of the lulls. At the moment there are times he’s stuck at home not doing a lot, but I still have to be here.’
It all sounds like such a simple decision. Make it pay, so there’s a point to working all these hours, or sell it off and join team Steve. Anxiety begins to grip me like a vice. I’ve chosen Sweet Occasions, but now it’s beginning to feel like a runaway train. It’s too late to apply the brakes, so I have to sit tight and see where it takes me. I wonder if Steve is expecting me to fail and waiting for the moment that I have no choice but to acknowledge that fact?
‘If you say so,’ Hazel adds, grumpily. ‘I know you, Katie. Money never was your goal; you’re easily contented. But then maybe that’s a bad thing at times.’
As Hazel walks away I feel awful for dismissing her concerns. Why is everyone so worried about me? My little dream of spending my days creating cakes to make people happy has turned into an endless struggle to please those around me. Whether it’s at work or at home, sometimes I wish they would put their trust in my judgement. Guilt floods through me – I’m being selfish, of course. Hazel isn’t only concerned about her own job security; she knows how much this means to me. Steve wants me to be happy and how many men would offer their partner the chance to give up work and have a more leisurely lifestyle? I’m lucky and I should be counting my blessings.
The pain in the back of my head throbs like a relentless drumbeat as I rummage around in my bag for some tablets. Shutting the office door, I settle gratefully into my seat and tilt my head back against the wall. When did my life first start to go wrong? Why are there times when I feel so unhappy I could sit down and weep? That old saying, ‘be careful what you wish for, it might just come true’, flashes into my mind. But what is the alternative? Turning my back on the passion I’ve had since I was a young child?
The questions whirl around in my head making the pain worse. Then into it pops the image of a little girl, eyes wide with excitement, as she breathlessly takes a cupcake from my hands. Lily.
‘Oh, no.’ An involuntary groan escapes my lips and my stomach constricts. Not that, please. I try to shake off the annoying drumbeat pulsing through my body. Is it the pain from this migraine, or is it my body clock going tick-tock like a metronome? Having a baby isn’t an option any more and I accepted that a couple of years ago. There isn’t room in my life for more anguish, or regret. All of that has to be behind me now.
Grace
Fun and Laughter
‘Grandma Grace,’ Lily’s lilting voice filters into the hallway. It fills the space as this adorable little bundle runs towards me, arms outstretched.
‘Steady, Lily. Not too tightly or you’ll squash Grandma.’ Adam’s voice shows concern and I glance up at him. His face crinkles into a smile, but hovering beneath it is the worry I know he feels so acutely.
‘She’s fine. I love hugs. My, how you’ve grown, young lady! Stand back and let me look at you.’
Lily dances around in a circle, doing little skips and hops.
‘Happy birthday, Grandma Grace. We have a surprise and it’s very special.’ Lily claps her hands with glee and continues to hop around on the spot.
‘Really? Well, Daddy’s boxes have arrived an
d I can’t imagine what’s inside. I’m going to need some help opening them.’
Adam wraps his arms around me, giving me a loving squeeze.
‘And a happy birthday from me. How old is it this year?’ he asks, playfully.
‘I’ve stopped counting; the figure is far too obscene to contemplate.’ I laugh, and for the first time in a while I feel a sense of happiness, true happiness, flooding through me. Having Adam and Lily here means so much to me; more than celebrating yet another birthday.
‘Grandma Grace, we must open your presents. Besides, I’m hungry!’
‘Lily, remember, it’s a surprise,’ Adam says, putting a finger to his lips and turning on his heel. ‘I’ll bring in the things from the car.’
Lily disappears into the sitting room and I follow her, unable to stop myself from grinning like a Cheshire cat.
‘How’s school, young lady?’
‘It’s okay. Mum says I need to try harder because I’m not very good at maths.’
My mouth goes a little dry at the mention of Kelly. It was painful watching them from the sidelines as she tried to change Adam from the moment that ring was on her finger. Whatever he did never seemed to please her and, ironically, the harder he tried the more she seemed to despise him for it. He was simply doing whatever he could to make her happy. He thought the fact that they both doted on their daughter meant they would weather the little storms in their relationship. The truth of the matter was that Adam was in love with Kelly, but I don’t think her feelings ever ran as deeply. The person she fell in love with was the version of Adam she had in her head, the man she would turn him into. But one thing I learnt very early on in life is that when it comes to affairs of the heart you can’t interfere; love has to run its course, no matter where that leads.
Lily is looking at me, a small frown on her perfect little face. I sigh; I’m just thankful she has two supportive parents. It’s times like this I miss my darling daughter, Elizabeth. It’s a loss from which Adam has never truly recovered.
‘Well, we all have subjects we find difficult. I’m sure there are lots of things you do well. As long as you remember to try your best, that’s what counts. It’s easy to give up on something if, at first, it’s difficult to do. Mummy knows that often, if you keep working away, eventually it all begins to make sense. Remember the time when you were learning to skip?’
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 3