A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma

by Halton, Linn B

  Adam

  Fun and Games

  Charlotte takes charge as soon as the girls begin arriving, and it’s a relief. She’s a great friend, but when Kelly and I split it could easily have been a very different story. They bonded, not just as neighbours, but their shared experiences of pregnancy and those early baby years forged a closeness that was obviously very special. I wouldn’t say they were best friends exactly – the differences in their personalities was very obvious at times – but I wondered if Kelly’s resentfulness towards me at the end would affect the way Charlotte felt about our friendship. However, she didn’t judge, or take sides, and I guess because we’d been neighbours for a while before Kelly appeared on the scene, she knew enough about me to understand that I was truly devastated by what happened. I have no idea if she’s saddened by the fact that Kelly chose not to remain in touch with her, but moved on in all senses of the word.

  What I do know, for sure, is that Charlotte’s husband, Max, is one lucky guy. I don’t think he always appreciates that fact, if I’m being honest. Anyway, it’s none of my business and I’m just very grateful that Charlotte and Emily are here for Lily.

  I’m consigned to the kitchen to ferry through the platters of food, and the drinks. Katie is amazing; she seamlessly switches from assembling an awesome cake, to plaiting and braiding hair. I feel it’s an imposition but she does seem to be enjoying herself, and is chatting away as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to be here.

  I catch glimpses of her as I walk back and forth. I sincerely hope that Charlotte will remember Katie’s a gracious volunteer, and not one of the Perfectly Pretty employees. As Katie deftly handles the hair, the other lady paints nails. Charlotte is busy showing some of the girls how to make beaded bookmarks.

  Lily’s face is aglow with happiness. The pain of the accident is no longer at the front of her mind. By the time Kelly flies back home, all will be well and that, too, is a relief. We might have a very good working relationship when it comes to looking after Lily, and parenting, but it isn’t the same as being a family under one roof. There’s always that pressure, that sense of being judged, whenever anything goes wrong.

  Take today, for example. I should be able to run this party without a hitch. Instead I’m in the hands of three, admittedly delightful, ladies who have stepped in to rescue me. It’s not that I’m not terribly appreciative, I am, but I feel like a bit of a spare part.

  Instinctively my eyes go back to Katie as another peal of laughter makes me turn in her direction. Emily is in the chair and Katie is leaning over her, doing something with her hair that looks very complicated and involves frequent bursts of hair spray. Several girls, including Lily, are shrieking with laughter. Then Katie stands back and it looks like Emily has a cat sitting on her head. Everyone dissolves into laughter once more, but Emily’s high-pitched voice rises above it, ‘I love it!’

  Charlotte looks my way and catches my eye. ‘When you’ve finished, can you give me a hand here?’ She holds up a snake of pink and purple beads, indicating for me to take over.

  As I take the beads from her, her hand lingers against my arm. ‘It’s going well,’ she whispers. ‘Look at their faces, they’re having fun.’

  She increases the pressure on my arm lightly, indicating for me to lean in closer again, so she can whisper into my ear.

  ‘You are a good father, you know, but kids can be a handful at times. Max would have already found some excuse to disappear, as he can’t stand all the squealing and giggling.’ She raises her eyebrows and nods slightly, before removing her hand.

  ‘It’s just that sometimes I feel a bit out of my depth. I don’t want to fail my daughter in any way. It’s bad enough her mother left and if it wasn’t for the help I’m getting today, this could have been a total disaster of a birthday. You’re a star.’

  Charlotte’s expression is one of sadness. I give her a grateful smile and walk away, feeling rather pathetic and with a string of beads swinging from one hand. As I pass Katie on my way back through to the kitchen, I wonder if it’s too early to pour a glass of wine. We exchange tentative smiles and, to my dismay, I sense a hint of something behind those warm, green eyes. Is it disapproval? Does Katie think it’s the easy way out to rely upon Charlotte to organise everything? Strangers often see things with a much clearer perspective.

  As I push through the door, the cool breeze from the open kitchen window hits my face. It’s a welcome relief. After a few minutes I feel calmer and more in control. ‘Get a grip, Adam. You can handle this – it’s only a birthday party and no one is judging you.’ That little voice in my head seems to come out of nowhere.

  Looking down at the beads in my hand, I start laughing, but the next thought that jumps into my mind instantly wipes that smile off my face. Is Lily missing out because when she’s with me I can only do the best I can? What if it’s not good enough? What if I’m not capable of being that naturally competent, single dad? I can already see the subtle differences between Emily and Lily whenever they are together. Lily is more of a worrier and she’s always checking up on me, whereas Emily appears to be much more carefree. The trouble is, I don’t know if that’s normal for a child whose parents have split up, or whether it’s because Kelly is better at parenting than I am. I don’t want Lily to grow up thinking she has to feel responsible for me and that’s something that hadn’t crossed my mind before. That nagging little voice inside my head says ‘You need to sort yourself out, Adam and man-up.’ It’s like a virtual slap and maybe it’s the wake-up call I need.

  I thought Charlotte would stay until the end of the party, and I’m pretty sure that was her original plan. However, just after four o’clock her mobile rang and she had to leave rather suddenly. Her sister’s car had broken down, and Charlotte went to collect her. Lily wanted Emily to stay overnight, so Charlotte said she would call round to collect her in the morning. Before she left, she kissed my cheek, at the precise moment that Katie was walking through with a tray of sandwiches. Katie immediately averted her gaze, clearly uncomfortable and I only hope she didn’t read anything into it.

  Shortly afterwards, all the girls settle down to watch a video. I leave a heap of beanbags, and over-excited females all over the sitting room floor, grateful to be able to escape the noise. Walking into the kitchen, the lady from Perfectly Pretty is thanking Katie for helping out. She is all packed up and waiting to collect the cheque, eager to get on her way.

  ‘Can I help you clear up?’ Katie stands watching me as I begin stacking the plates.

  ‘No, honestly, you should be heading back. You’ve done more than enough, and I need to settle up with you.’

  She seems embarrassed, looking up at me and colouring a little. ‘Oh, yes, of course. Your invoice is in the van. Look, it won’t take long to clear this lot if we get stuck in. Let’s sort this while the girls are quietly watching the video.’

  ‘I’m not sure that can be called quiet, exactly.’ I incline my head in the direction of the sitting room. Peals of laughter, and chatter, roll in and out like waves. ‘Well, if you’re sure. They’re being collected at five-thirty. Fingers crossed the mums will begin arriving around about the same time as the video finishes. I will admit that wasn’t down to my great organisational skills, but pure luck.’

  ‘A little luck can go a long way,’ Katie says with a beaming smile. ‘It’s a great party and Lily is a lovely little girl. You must be so proud.’

  ‘Thanks, I’m biased, of course, but I am. You’re great with kids and multi-talented. I’m impressed and very grateful, believe me.’

  She tips her head back, giving me a quizzical look. Then she laughs, good-naturedly.

  ‘It’s the artist in me.’ Those green eyes mesmerise me. A hint of colour starts to work its way up her neck, then into her cheeks.

  ‘Well, it must be nice knowing you have a fall back career as a hairdresser if anything ever goes wrong. Although that cake was pretty impressive, that’s quite a skill you have there.’ Am
I flirting?

  ‘And did you get to try it?’

  ‘No, not yet. What flavour is it?’

  I watch Katie carve a slice and expertly cut it into bite-size cubes. She spears one with a fork and passes it to me.

  ‘Strawberry and vanilla.’

  The cake literally melts in my mouth. ‘Mmm, love it. You did an awesome job. I hope you’re charging me a lot of money for this.’

  It was an innocuous enough comment, but Katie looks startled. As if she’s suddenly wondering what on earth she’s doing here. The colour immediately drains from her face.

  ‘Um … right. I’ll go fetch that invoice, then.’

  When she returns to the room she’s composed. She hands me the invoice and apologises for the fact that the transport cost is more than the cake.

  ‘No, that’s fine. I have absolutely no idea what we would have done if you hadn’t been here today. You’ve been a lifesaver. I’d like to pay for your time, as well, if that doesn’t offend you in any way?’ Suddenly, it seems very important not to wade in and make her feel uncomfortable again.

  ‘That’s not necessary, it was my pleasure. Sorry about going blank, but I had this sort of déjà vu moment. Doesn’t that feel freaky, you know, when you experience something you could swear has happened to you before?’

  ‘Hmm … I’ve had that a couple of times and, yes, it does feel weird. I hope the lodge hasn’t spooked you. It might be old, but there aren’t any ghosts here – well, none I’ve discovered. There were a few tenants over the years, but it seems they were mostly professionals, leading relatively quiet lives. I believe someone died here back in the eighteen hundreds, but if they do wander around at night, it doesn’t disturb us.’

  ‘Oh, I wasn’t implying the lodge had a bad vibe. No, this was a pleasant feeling, like I’d been here before. It’s a very warm and welcoming place. Easy to feel at home here.’

  And you look good here, Katie. You look like you belong. Unsure of where that thought came from, I say the first thing that comes into my head, just in case my thoughts are reflected in my face.

  ‘As a boy it was paradise. The garden was huge and there was an orchard and a large pond. My mother employed a part-time gardener, and that’s where my love of gardening began. I spent hours helping out and in the process I learnt a lot about plants and planting. My mother was a songwriter and although her name wasn’t instantly recognisable, many of her songs were instrumental in taking unknowns to their first chart-topping hit. This was a house filled with music and love. Sadly, she died when I was only ten years old and I didn’t inherit her incredible talent, but I do play the guitar. She was a wonderful pianist and some would have said, gifted.’

  Well, that wasn’t exactly a throwaway conversation, was it? What’s wrong with me? I can tell by the look on her face she’s feeling sorry for me now. Oh, that’s so not the way to make an impression on someone you find utterly captivating.

  ‘That must have been heart-breaking for you when she died.’ Her words are almost a whisper. I nod my head, sadly. Actually, it feels good to hear the words that have been buried deep inside of me for so many years, finally spoken out aloud.

  ‘Devastating. Grandma Grace, Pop and I hid from the world for a while. So much fuss over her funeral, but it didn’t feel real, as most of the people weren’t family, but linked to the celebrity industry she worked in. We understood they wanted to honour her and what she had achieved, but the real loss was in that of her role as a daughter and a mother.’

  Surprisingly I feel calm. Katie’s eyes seem to reflect empathy, not pity. She’s a person who seems to understand that darkness within, the words you can’t normally voice.

  ‘The one thing I regretted was that she never told Grace who my father was and for many years I harboured an anger about that. As a teen I went through a phase of feeling bitter, thinking that somewhere out there was a man whom, I guessed, had no idea he had a son. I’d been robbed of my mother and she, in turn, had robbed me of a father.’

  She looks directly at me, as if surprised by the matter-of-fact tone in my voice. There is no anger or bitterness in me now.

  ‘What changed your mind?’

  ‘I was going through one of her photograph albums. Most of the photos were of me and even though I never, ever doubted her love, I realised that there was no way she would have kept something from me unless it was for a good reason. Grace, too, was a very loving and understanding mother. If Mum couldn’t share it with us, then it meant she’d been rejected. She made a mistake with someone she thought she could love, who broke her heart and turned his back on her. He would have had to be a very hard person to do that to someone as lovely as my mother. She did what she thought was best for the people she loved the most. She was protecting us. You can’t miss someone who never wanted to be a part of your life in the first place. When the realisation dawned, it made me love her even more.’

  Her eyes are sorrowful. That was too heavy, Adam, she’s a guest and you don’t want to make her cry over stuff that’s way in the past.

  ‘Wow – sort of let it all out a bit there. Sorry, Katie. I don’t often talk about her. Guess that’s why.’ I stop to clear my throat. ‘I like to think she’s still around, if you know what I mean. Mind you, if I ever saw an actual ghost I don’t know what I’d do. Probably run!’

  Her laugh is gentle and warm, like an embrace.

  ‘How wonderful that the house was kept in the family and not sold. Grace is one admirable lady, that’s for sure.’

  And now it’s awkward, as it’s time for money to exchange hands and I don’t want to offend her. For whatever reason, we’ve just shared a meaningful moment that was totally unexpected. It’s hard to let go of that and it seems almost rude to get down to business. I hope she doesn’t feel I’ve taken advantage of her good nature, the fact that she’s a good listener.

  ‘Look, thanks for everything today. It means a lot. It wouldn’t have been the same without you here and I appreciate that, so does Lily. You came a long way and the cake was the highlight of the party.’ As I hand her the cash, I offer her an additional three twenty pound notes for her time, but she declines with a genuine smile. I sense that she understands my dilemma and isn’t offended.

  ‘No, it was my pleasure, really. Please tell Lily I enjoyed her party.’

  ‘I’m sure she’d like to thank you for the cake …’

  ‘Don’t interrupt them now. Besides, she already gave me a thank-you hug and it’s easier if I just slip away. Will you be down at Christmas?’

  I nod.

  As we walk to Katie’s van we discuss Grace’s Christmas cake.

  ‘You’re my first order for the festive season.’ She turns to face me, and we look at each other, not knowing quite what to say next.

  We shake hands, and I have a distinct feeling that I’m mishandling our goodbye. I should give her a thank-you hug, as Lily had done. The slight hesitation that passes between us is about having connected on a much deeper level, as I can sense Katie, too, is holding back. We’re two people who have been suddenly thrown together to share the same bizarre day. It was Lily’s first party on my watch, without Kelly here to supervise. Whether that explains why I’m feeling this weird mix of emotions today, I’m not sure. I ended up sharing something way beyond personal; something I couldn’t even share with Grace or Pop. I guess Katie is one of those rare people in life you meet who just happen to be on the same wavelength. She wasn’t shocked by my outpouring, understanding that I wasn’t looking for comfort or kind words. It was just a curious moment when it felt right to finally get it all off my chest. What I feel is relief.

  As the van disappears out of sight, I find myself picturing those twinkly green eyes.

  ‘What a day,’ I murmur out loud. ‘Thank you lovely Katie.’

  Why is it that the women you’d like to get to know are all in relationships? Doh! Because guys don’t hang around when they spot a good one, well, unless their name is Adam, of course. All I kn
ow is that after Kelly, I won’t be jumping into anything permanent in the near future. But all the same, it’s a real shame …

  Katie

  The Point of No Return

  Driving home from the party it felt like I had stepped outside of my life for a short time and entered a world I hardly recognised. It was full of fun, laughter, a lot of giggling and a bewildering insight into the life of a nine-year-old. When they get together they gossip, get hyper at the mention of their favourite boy band, and talk over each other all the time. It was chaos, pure chaos and yet it was a tonic. So far removed from my day-to-day reality that it was a breath of fresh air. Life through the eyes of a child is very different and I’d forgotten that. Once you become an adult, unless you are around children up close and personal, you forget the innocence and the boundless energy. That naively optimistic way of looking at things without all the worry attached.

  I really enjoyed being a part of it, though. There were awkward moments, of course, because essentially I was an interloper and I sort of invited myself to stay. My role wasn’t one of supportive friend or neighbour, and Charlotte had that firmly sewn-up. But I also wasn’t there in an official capacity, like the lady from Perfectly Pretty. It was interesting, therefore, to see the different reactions I received. At one point the girls were all over me, treating me like a best friend.

  ‘Katie, can we do your hair? Please?’ Naomi was the tallest of the girls, although she was still only eight years old.

  ‘I think we should put combs in Katie’s hair,’ Lily immediately jumped in.

  Not to be outdone, Emily, who never moved far from Katie’s side, elbowed her way into the circle standing around me.

  ‘I think ribbons would be fun.’

  Before I knew it, there were a dozen voices directing Naomi and holding out an eclectic assortment of hair decorations. It was Charlotte who rescued me.