A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma

by Halton, Linn B

  ‘Yes, I kind of underestimated how much supervision was needed, didn’t I?’

  Charlotte shoots me a glance, her chin quivering a little as she attempts a hollow laugh.

  ‘I did tell you it was rather ambitious for your first solo party. It went well, though, and you have to stop worrying about every little thing. Maybe it hasn’t occurred to you, but when you and Kelly were arguing all the time, that had a really profound effect on Lily. Yes, she was very upset when you decided to call it a day and go your separate ways, but you have to take some of the credit for the way she’s adjusted. You underestimate how instrumental you’ve been in helping her make that transition, Adam. It hasn’t been exactly easy for you, either, but you always put Lily’s needs first – unlike some other fathers I could mention.’

  Charlotte seems to have known a lot more about what was happening in my marriage at the time than I’d realised. I know some things still remain unsaid, but that’s for a very good reason. I never wanted her to be the friend in the middle of two very different versions of one truth. The he said/she said thing is pointless. No one wins, do they?

  ‘I feel when Lily’s with me I have to take on the role of both parents, but I don’t know how to do that.’ What I can’t bring myself to admit is that a lot of the time I’m scared of doing, or saying the wrong thing.

  ‘Don’t be so hard on yourself, Adam. You’re doing fine and Lily is thriving, that’s all that matters. But what about you? When Lily is with Kelly you have to start building some sort of life of your own, too. It’s something I’ve been meaning to say for a while, but I know how you hate talking about it. It’s just that meeting Katie yesterday set me thinking. She was here to deliver a birthday cake, sure, but I’m sensing there’s something a little more to it, am I right?’

  Her words stop me in my tracks. If Charlotte picked up on the fact that I find Katie interesting, does that mean Katie can see that, too? Oh no, this is bad, really bad! Should I be honest here, or sidestep this conversation?

  ‘She’s easy to talk to and friendly, that’s all. I was impressed by the way Katie talks to Lily, not at her, as strangers often tend to do when they are merely trying to make polite conversation. It’s important to engage with a child and listen to what they say.’

  Charlotte nods, fixing her eyes on me and I shift from foot to foot, literally squirming beneath her enquiring gaze.

  ‘But you’re interested enough to want to get to know her a little better?’

  My mind goes blank as I search around for something innocuous to say. Then I give in.

  ‘Yes, I’m curious about her. You know me, I’ve always been rather awkward around new people, but I feel surprisingly relaxed with Katie. I’m not very adept at small talk.’

  Charlotte laughs, as she discreetly wipes away a small tear that has formed at the edge of her left eye. I pretend not to notice.

  ‘Well, that’s one way to describe your appalling lack of suitable chat-up lines. However, in this case I don’t think you have anything at all to worry about. I’d say that Katie is also curious about you and that’s a very good start.’

  ‘Thanks for that. I didn’t make a fool of myself at all yesterday, did I?’ I know Charlotte will give it to me straight.

  ‘Oh, I think I can safely say you impressed her. I only chatted with Katie briefly, but I was intrigued by the fact that she was prepared to come all this way to help out a stranger.’ Her eyes twinkle, mischievously.

  ‘Oh no, you didn’t grill her?’

  ‘No, just friendly chatter.’ Charlotte walks towards the door, then suddenly turns on her heels to face me again. ‘And Adam, I’m sorry about just now. Max is just going through one of those awful moments in life when he’s begun to question what the future holds. You know, none of us is getting any younger and he’s under a lot of pressure at work. I guess we have both became a little complacent, that’s all, and this has been our wake-up call. We’ll get through it. The grass is rarely greener on the other side and he knows that. The thing is, I love him more than he loves me. Life, eh? It’s not always easy.’

  I regret my total inability to know what to say in a situation like this, but I’m way out of my depth and I’m better off saying nothing, rather than something that might upset her. Instead, I go up to Charlotte and give her a friendly hug. The look of sorrow on her face is painful to see and I can only hope that Max comes to his senses before it’s too late.

  Katie

  Autumn Chills

  Steve’s week helping out in the shop didn’t quite go as expected. It ended with him hiring a junior assistant to work alongside Hazel to ‘free-up’ my time. He said I would be better able to manage things without the constant pressure of being behind the counter and I would also be able to do more in the kitchen.

  It turned out to be a wise decision. With three new contracts to supply the outlets in Hillborough on a daily basis, we were under a lot of pressure. Fortunately, once everyone had settled into the new routine, it seemed to be working well. I know Hazel felt a little put out at first, but she soon took the new recruit, Marcie, under her wing. The only day I now manage to get out into the shop is on Wednesday, Hazel’s day off.

  Days are frenetic, and at the moment we’re up to our eyes in orders for wedding cakes. Apparently there will be a lull in November, before another rush in December. However, the venues all seem to be indicating that the lull will be very short-lived. I take Steve’s advice to book a deep clean of the kitchen for the last Sunday in October.

  It’s nice to be in work without the usual hubbub of activity going on. I’m there at six in the morning to open up for the cleaning company who get started in the kitchen, while I begin the task of working on the display cabinets. It’s a dry day, with a strong wind bringing an icy blast. There’s hardly anyone at all in the street as I glance up from my position, crouched in the window. Suddenly, I find myself looking down at a pair of feet.

  ‘Sorry, we’re closed,’ I call through the glass. My eyes travel upwards and I’m surprised to see Adam grinning back at me.

  ‘Oh, hang on a moment, I’ll find the keys.’

  As I rush around looking for them, I feel distinctly self-conscious. Adam waits patiently, his shoulders hunched against the cold wind. Eventually finding them in my coat pocket, my hands shake a little as I struggle to insert the key in the lock. Finally the door swings open.

  ‘Hi, this is a surprise. I wasn’t expecting to see you for a little while.’

  My voice has a slight waver to it, and I groan, inwardly. Why am I always so nervous when he’s around? Adam steps inside and I can feel the colour warming in my cheeks.

  ‘Grace isn’t very well at the moment and I’ve come up to spend a few days with her. Look, I don’t want to stop you working. It’s bad enough you have to come into the shop on a Sunday, let alone put up with interruptions. That was a real surprise, though, spotting you in the window as I was driving past. When I saw you, I jumped on the brakes. It seemed wrong to drive past without popping in to say a quick belated thank you for what you did at the party.’

  He doesn’t step forward but continues to stand, framed in the doorway. A part of me acknowledges that I should be working and that Adam is giving me an excuse to cut his visit short.

  ‘I was about to stop for coffee. Do you have time to join me? I hope it’s nothing serious … with your grandmother.’

  While it’s good to see him, it saddens me to hear the reason for his visit. His face registers a hint of concern and the smile drops from his lips.

  ‘It’s nothing she’ll acknowledge openly, or talk to me about. Her neighbour, Marie, rang to say she was a little worried. I’ve engineered this trip to assess things, driving over on the pretext that there are a few little jobs that need doing in the house. I also want to see for myself how well she’s coping at the moment.’

  I indicate for him to take a seat in the new cake-tasting area.

  ‘Wow, this looks extremely smart.’

&nb
sp; ‘Thanks. The kitchen is now double the size, plus we have triple the storage capacity. I was worried about losing that back room, but it was a luxury. In reality, reducing the number of tables and moving it into the front of the shop is more practical. We sometimes get a group of people come in if it’s a tasting for a wedding cake, but usually it’s just mothers and offspring going through the brochures and sampling different flavours.’

  ‘They did a great job. It was a pity to lose the country feel, though, it felt very personal.’

  Adam’s words remind me of the arguments I had with Steve at the planning stage. I look around at the now crisp, plain walls and the perfectly-lit photographic displays of over-sized cupcakes.

  ‘It’s not my style, either, and it felt a bit like selling out, to be honest. Apparently today it’s all about swish presentation, while keeping the reference to a handmade product, therefore inferring a higher quality. Albeit the “product” will in the not too distant future be produced in a large industrial unit that has the ambience of a stainless steel cube.’

  ‘Well, I can certainly vouch for the wonderful flavours.’ There’s sympathy in his smile and in his eyes as they search mine. I shrug; each day it hurts a little less.

  I pull two chocolate melting moment cupcakes from the display cabinet and place them on a plate in front of him.

  ‘These look good.’

  I have to raise my voice a little to talk over the noise of the coffee machine.

  ‘Left over from yesterday and they will go in the bin tomorrow morning. I’m glad you dropped by, I’ll box some up for you. I hate waste. Yesterday was quieter than usual because there was a fete in one of the neighbouring towns. That’s why shops which rely on passing trade often struggle, or so my partner, Steve, never tires of telling me.’

  Our eyes lock and a strange moment hangs in the air between us. Adam clears his throat, nervously, and there’s a sadness in his eyes that touches my heart. He can’t hide his anxiety over the reason for this trip.

  ‘You really are concerned about your grandmother, aren’t you?’ As usual, the words are out before I have time to consider whether or not it’s appropriate, or over-familiar.

  ‘Yes, more than I’m letting on. She’s often short of breath when I ring her and keeps telling me that’s down to some new tablets she’s taking. She says it’s one of the side effects, but our telephone calls are getting shorter and shorter.’

  He looks away, his voice sombre. ‘She’s my sole surviving grandparent.’ He clears his throat in an effort to pull himself together and picks up the cappuccino in front of him. I feel it’s the right thing to change the subject, but I don’t quite know what to say next.

  ‘Well, it’s all go here!’ It doesn’t come out as breezily as I’d hoped. He shoots me a glance, picking up on the inflection in my tone.

  ‘Problems?’

  Stupidly, for no apparent reason whatsoever, tears begin to prick at my eyes. It catches me unawares. I hold my breath, frantically fighting a desire to give in to them.

  ‘Not really.’ Oh heck, who am I kidding? We’re strangers who pass in the night, well, day. What harm can it do? I shrug my shoulders and move my head to take in everything around me. ‘What price, a dream?’

  He seems stunned. ‘But I thought business was going from strength to strength.’

  ‘It is, but it doesn’t feel like my dream any more.’

  He places his cup back down on the table and looks at me, soberly.

  ‘I’m so sorry to hear that. I’m a good listener if you need a sympathetic ear. Sometimes it helps to let it all out.’

  The moments pass, seconds turning awkwardly into minutes as I struggle to compose myself.

  ‘It’s complicated.’ I sigh, dejectedly. My fingers toy nervously with the cup in front of me.

  ‘In my experience, life in general is never straightforward. But then I seem to have this aptitude for messing up.’ His laughter is comforting. It’s like sitting down with an old friend, but I have to remember that isn’t the case.

  ‘I wouldn’t know where to begin,’ I reply, hesitantly. Even if I wanted to, what could I possibly tell him that wouldn’t sound like I was being ungrateful?

  ‘Hey, all will probably sort itself out in the end, but I know how hard it can be when you bottle things up. I spend a lot of time trying to make sure Lily doesn’t sense my worries, or concerns. I’ve become an expert at running away from things, rather than confronting the problems head-on. Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I only meant to pop in …’

  Adam looks mortified and pushes his chair back, ready to stand up.

  ‘No, really, it’s fine. Stay and finish your coffee. It will be a shame to throw those cupcakes away tomorrow. You’re quite right, though. I’ve backed myself into a corner and I don’t know what to do about it.’

  ‘Well, I can certainly empathise with that. But you know what I’ve come to realise? When you’re in a corner, there’s only one way out and that’s forwards.’

  His words strike at my heart, and for one moment what I want is to be held. Instead I smile as broadly as I can and push the plate towards him.

  ‘Help me out here, while I grab two more coffees.’

  I have absolutely no idea why I feel I can chat to someone who is one step removed from being a stranger. I’m not even sure that applies anyway, as he’s also a customer.

  ‘Everyone needs someone to whom they can, occasionally, rant and rave. We all need that person who is prepared to listen and not be so caught up in our life that they have their own personal take on what’s happening. I had a work colleague who heard some pretty raw stuff when I was splitting up with Lily’s mother.’

  I look across at him, and he’s already halfway through his first cupcake.

  ‘That can’t have been easy. Having Lily must have made the decision even harder.’

  ‘Well, it wasn’t my decision, if I’m honest. Kelly was the one who decided to call it quits. It was mutual, though, our relationship was only held together by Lily. I guess I was happy to settle for what we had, and that was a mistake. We were arguing more and more. No child should witness a relationship falling apart because it gets ugly at times. At least you don’t have that problem to add into the mix.’

  Adam’s comment is an honest one, but it hurts all the same. He catches the look of sadness on my face as I sit back down, placing the coffees on the table.

  ‘Oh, no, did I say the wrong thing?’

  ‘No, it’s fine, really. Steve and I don’t have any children, but that’s a problem too. You see, I always thought I’d meet someone, get married and have a baby. End of story. Instead, I met someone and didn’t progress past the stage of talking about marriage and a baby. He kept postponing the baby decision and I kept postponing the wedding date.’ My head has sunk lower and lower, until I’m bent over my coffee. Adam might be a stranger, but I don’t feel comfortable sharing my tears of regret with him.

  ‘It’s a big decision; maybe he’ll change his mind.’ His concern is real and it touches my heart.

  ‘It’s too late. You see …’ I hesitate. Am I being a traitor sharing things I’ve never been able to voice before?

  ‘I’m good at listening and I don’t talk about other people’s secrets. If you don’t feel comfortable sharing, then maybe you aren’t ready. I’m not trying to—’

  ‘He had testicular cancer.’

  The words fall out of my mouth like pistol shots, silencing us both. Adam looks at me appalled, the shock written all over his face.

  ‘Life stinks sometimes.’

  I nod in response and we stir our coffees in unison. The silence isn’t awkward though.

  ‘It came out of the blue. Our lives were on hold while he went through surgery and some pretty vicious treatments. He’s only recently had his five-year all-clear, but he still attends a cancer survivors group meeting once a month. You know the worst thing about it all?’ The tears have stopped and for the first time ever I feel it’s
safe to let it all out. ‘When we were over the worst he broke down, saying he bitterly regretted not listening to me. By then I’d moved on and felt grateful that he’d survived, but he was mourning a loss.’

  Adam reaches out and touches my hand with no agenda whatsoever. It’s merely a friendly squeeze, borne out of sheer compassion.

  ‘A serious illness is a reminder of how precious, and fragile, life is. We take it for granted and assume the people we love will always be there.’

  His sadness is tangible. I wonder if he’s thinking about the death of his grandfather. The minutes pass as we each face up to the pain we hold buried within. The ache that never goes away is so hard to share and impossible to put into words.

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean the conversation to take such a depressing turn.’

  Our eyes meet, and I suspect that the expression on Adam’s face is also mirrored on my own. Pain, regret, and something akin to exhaustion, for the way our buried emotions continue to drain our spirits.

  ‘You said your partner was also your business adviser, is that another complication?’

  I nod, an involuntary sigh escaping my lips.

  ‘He cares about this, my dream.’ I hold out my hands, as if holding Sweet Occasions within them. ‘And now he’s bought into it. But my feelings have changed. I don’t know what I’m going to do.’

  The tears come. Not simply spilling over, but accompanied by wracking sobs. Adam places his hand back over mine and sits quietly while I let it all out.

  Steve

  Building a New Dream

  The more involved I get with Sweet Occasions, the more I can see that this business can really go somewhere. Working together as a team, Katie and I have a shot at making a very comfortable future for ourselves. My head is so full of ideas I wonder why I didn’t get involved much earlier on. It is hard reigning myself in while Katie adjusts to the inevitable changes, but each day represents another step forward.

  The reality is that a shop on the High Street was always going to be a small business with a limited turnover. Once the industrial unit is in full production the shop could go, as it will represent only a tiny fraction of future sales. Winning those contracts mean Sweet Occasions is now a brand and our sales outlets will be countrywide virtually overnight. I know Katie’s dream was a chain of little bakeries, but in today’s market that never was going to be an option. The overheads are too high these days. But I know that letting go of the shop would be a step too far for Katie at this point in time. So to placate her, I laid out a plan to eventually turn it into a place where she can run cake decorating classes. One of the large discount voucher companies is interested in promoting a series of one-day courses that will be easy enough to arrange. It won’t make a huge amount of money, but hopefully it will be hands-on enough to keep Katie happy.