They say you should never mix business with pleasure, but it’s different for us. There was a point, about six years ago, when we both thought I was going to die. Getting through those dark days was only possible because Katie was at my side. Life was a rollercoaster, no two days were alike and only someone who has experienced it first-hand can even begin to understand how it changes you. But it also changes the person who is beside you throughout the journey and my lovely, carefree and fun-loving girl lost her sparkle for a while. It still hasn’t returned as brightly as it was, but I’m hoping that when profits begin to soar, it won’t just be merely a sparkle, but pride that I’ll see reflected in her eyes.
As I get ready for tonight’s cancer survivors support group meeting, I know everyone is going to be delighted to hear my update, but what I really want to talk about is the underlying issue. And I know it’s a subject that is going to be tough to raise.
Katie is on the sofa, feet up and Kindle in hand.
‘See you later. Don’t feel you have to wait up for me, you look tired tonight.’ As I kiss her forehead she instantly smiles, but I can tell she’s not her usual self.
‘I am a bit, maybe I’ll read for an hour or two and then have an early night. Drive carefully.’
‘I always do. And stop worrying about me.’
The group meeting is held in a function room behind the Town Hall. There are well over thirty members, but usually only about a dozen or so people make any one meeting. We have a get-together at Christmas and everyone makes the effort to attend. Strong bonds have been forged here, because at some point each and every one of us has broken down in front of the group.
Surviving is one thing, handling the fallout is another. Dealing with infertility and the associated issues is quite a common topic, as is the breaking down of relationships in the aftermath. Also how to cope when the ‘C’ word is always in the back of your mind. When new people join the group it actually serves to remind us how far we’ve come on our own, very personal journeys. It’s also about payback, recognising that the best way to do that is to help someone else in return. We share our most personal of experiences and there is only one rule – honesty.
Tonight as we go around the circle everyone seems to have something positive and uplifting to report, before moving on to the things that are less easy to talk about. When it’s my turn I take a deep breath before I start. Tonight I’m finally going to tackle my personal little elephant in the room and it isn’t going to be easy putting it into words.
‘Well, it’s been a great month so far and we’ve just tied up another contract. Before too long you’ll be seeing the Sweet Occasions brand in your local supermarket.’
There’s a little ripple of congratulations, as quite a few here have been around long enough to know the whole story. Heck, a couple of them have been clients of mine and I helped sort out financial problems related to time they spent unable to work.
‘I’m thrilled, of course. And it’s all good, but I need some advice guys. I’d assumed as time goes on that things would get back to normal with Katie, but I still feel that our relationship has no-go areas, with Katie feeling she has to be careful around me. Like I’m made of glass, or something. Does anyone else identify with this?’
Scanning the circle of people, one or two are nodding their heads. Christina answers – she’s a two-year post remission breast cancer survivor.
‘You’re not alone there, Steve. Since the day that the “C” word was first mentioned in our house we haven’t had one row. Not even a cross word. We had our ups and downs before, as we’ve always had a lively relationship. Two strong characters, with very different opinions on some things. But now, suddenly, Jeff agrees with every damn thing I say or do. One of these days I’m just going to explode, I know it. I have tackled him about it and his attitude was that after what we’ve been through the small things don’t matter any more. Well, that might be true, but I don’t want a life of making allowances for anything.’
Her emotions are strong and her words are heated.
Tom shakes his head, sadly. ‘I think you have to step back and see the bigger picture here.’
Tom’s usually a rather reserved member and tends to avoid getting pulled into the stronger debates. Clearly this touches a nerve with him, too.
‘I have a similar situation going on, but then I’m no longer in remission and feelings are raw at the moment. God willing I’ll get through this, but it’s been a bitter blow for my family. You have to put yourself in their shoes to understand. They will have read all the guidance about how to support a relative. Ways of reducing day-to-day stresses and the importance of having a positive mindset. We all know how hard, maybe even impossible, that is at times. But it also becomes a way of life. When someone you love is sick, it’s only natural you want to protect them in any way you can. Unlike a broken arm that heals, the threat of cancer never really goes away, does it?’
It’s a sobering thought and a heaviness begins to hover in the room like a cloud.
‘I don’t think that should stop someone from pointing out that they would prefer to be treated normally. It’s not too much to ask, is it?’ Christina’s anger seems to be building.
We’re probably all looking at her and thinking the same thing. Is this going to be yet another relationship that eventually falls apart? Perhaps I made a mistake dragging this out for discussion tonight.
‘What if this is the new normality? I ask myself that question all the time. All I know is that I believe Katie saved me. If she hadn’t been at my side I don’t think I would have had the strength to deal with the ravages of my treatment. There were times I simply wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. Or maybe Fate is Fate and despite whatever you do, or don’t do, the outcome would be the same anyway. What is frightening is the anger that seems to come from nowhere. Katie takes the brunt of that, and sometimes my patience for even trivial things is almost non-existent. The old me wasn’t like that and what if she can’t live with the person I’ve become? What if there is no going back for us and to her I’ll always be a cancer survivor first and foremost in her thoughts. I don’t want a relationship based on pity and I don’t want her to stay with me because of guilt.’
Christina appears to have calmed down a little, but now looks tearful. It’s time for some words of wisdom from group leader, Doug.
‘There is no simple answer and we all know that, but thank you, Steve, for raising this tonight. It seems like the right time to remind everyone that couples’ counselling can help, although it won’t be right for everyone. The other point is that while we all know anger is an undeniable part of the process, if at any time you feel overwhelmed by it then you must seek professional help. Anger can be a destructive emotion, but there are ways to diffuse and manage it. Help is always a phone call away, but I know it takes a lot of courage to reach out and start dialling. You have to be prepared to do that for yourself if the need arises and, sometimes, for the person you love.’
On the journey home I try not to dwell on what turned out to be a very emotional meeting. Sometimes a few of us seem to be going through the same thing at the same time, other times it feels more like one person’s moment of crisis. Knowing you are not alone is a comfort, but it’s also a concern.
Katie
Facing Facts
‘The window display is dazzling.’ Hazel surveys the results of my hard work yesterday, with approval.
In truth it was a sad turning point for me, the last vestiges of my country-feel bakery theme are now firmly a thing of the past. The new window display is eye-catching, in a sleek and minimalist sort of way. Steve had a specialist company produce a four-foot high cascade of 3D cupcakes made out of fabric. Affixed to the ceiling by a wire, it dangles above the new, glossy white flooring. Yes, it is fun and the detail is awesome, but I miss the country look it replaced. The day the builders ripped out the antique pine floorboards I’d lovingly sourced, and the simple white wrought ironwork table and cha
irs set up all ready for a tea party, was a sad moment for me. The crisp white cotton cloth laid out with beautiful, rose-inspired hand-painted plates, cups and saucers, reflected the quintessentially English tea party theme. It was distinctive and slightly romantic, in a nostalgic way. Cars often slowed when they drove past our window. Would they slow for this, I wondered?
‘You should have said you were coming in to work. I wasn’t doing anything special and I could have popped in to help. Although, I suppose I might have interrupted something.’
‘Interrupted?’
‘I walked by mid-afternoonish, on my way to pick up some milk. I was about to knock on the window, when I saw you were deep in conversation. Was it that guy? He looked familiar, but I didn’t like to peer in. I was rather surprised.’
A part of me cringes. Hazel thinks I have a secret. We were only talking.
‘He was on his way to visit his grandmother and saw me in the window. He popped in to say thank you.’
‘Hey, he’s a nice guy; you don’t have to explain anything to me. But if I saw you, then someone else might have seen you too.’ Hazel is a good friend, and only pointing out the obvious.
‘It’s not like that and if Steve had decided to turn up, I doubt he would have been upset.’
‘Really? Katie, I know Steve, remember? I’m only saying that maybe next time you might want to sit and chat somewhere else.’
This is crazy, it’s clear that Hazel genuinely believes something is going on and nothing could be further from the truth. If she’d heard our conversation, she would understand that it was merely two people letting down their guard and sharing their problems. But there are so many things Hazel doesn’t know about the last five years of my life.
‘Hazel, he’s a customer. That’s all there is to it. I delivered the cake for his little girl’s birthday party because I didn’t have anything better to do and I enjoyed the drive. He had his hands full, managing on his own with only a neighbour to help out and a dozen girls to entertain. Lily had also had a fall and her arm was in plaster, so there was a lot going on. Besides, it would have been rude of me not to offer him a coffee, when he was kind enough to pop in to thank me.’
‘So he’s not with Lily’s mother any more. Interesting.’
She turns to face me, leaning back against the counter and lowering her voice.
‘He fancies you,’ she smirks. ‘At least there’s some chemistry going on there. I know you and unlike a lot of other people, you don’t play around for the fun of it. Sometimes you have to take a brave step and see what’s out there.’
‘Hazel, I can’t believe you said that. I’m not looking to have some fun and nothing improper has happened with Adam, I can assure you. I’ve nothing to hide from Steve, or anyone.’
She crosses her arms, her body language signalling what exactly, I’m not sure. Discomfort? Or is there something she wants to tell me, and she can’t find the words?
‘That’s a great shame, then. You deserve better.’
‘What on earth are you talking about?’ I call out as I watch her walking away from me. I need to get to the bottom of whatever it is that’s upsetting her. She’s been acting very strangely for a while now and it’s totally out of character. I know that Steve isn’t always very diplomatic when he calls in, which is becoming more and more frequent. Hazel probably feels she has two people to report to these days and that can’t be easy. Especially when there are times I know Hazel has overheard Steve and me arguing about the business.
As I absentmindedly continue stacking the cake trays, ready to take them through to the kitchen, a vague hint of doubt begins to cross my mind. It’s obvious I like Adam, who wouldn’t? Do I like him in that special way? Given the way we seem to have connected, surely that’s simply down to having shared some pretty emotive stuff with a stranger. Would it be enough to make me do something foolhardy? I don’t believe that’s in my nature, as Hazel said, I’m not the sort to play around for fun. In fact, when she said the words, the thought that jumped into my head was, ‘boring’. Boring? Whatever happened to faithful?
I clear my mind of all this trivia and focus on the facts. It’s true what they say about sharing troubles and, if anything, I’m grateful to Adam. I still don’t have a solution to my problems, it’s true. I’m tied to Steve now in more ways than one, but at least I recognise that my feelings for him have changed. That has absolutely nothing to do with Adam, though, and I can’t let Hazel’s comments confuse things.
Adam had said he’d been happy to settle for what he had, that his ex-partner hadn’t. That was when things started to fall apart. Maybe Steve’s feelings for me have changed, too. If that’s the case, then we need to seriously look at our future together and agree where we go from here.
My mind reels at the thought of having the conversation with Steve. I’m very aware that for the last five years it’s been like treading on eggshells. I’ve tried hard not to upset him, or cause him any unnecessary stress. Now look at the mess we’re in. I owe him the truth and there never is going to be a good time to tell him, is there?
Grace
A Waiting Game
‘I’m not ready, my dear. Adam isn’t strong enough to bear the upset. He’s at a crossroad in his life. Now is the time he’s going to need someone to listen and not judge him, or steer him into something that isn’t right. He’ll need someone who understands what’s in his heart, when even he isn’t sure what that might be. Besides, there’s little Lily. How can I let go?’
Jack looks at me with love in his eyes
‘It’s coming. Your time is nearly done, Gracie. You won’t lose them, love is never lost. You can be there for both Adam, and Lily, whenever you want. In the same way that I visit you, it will be up to them to invite you into their lives. If it’s not for them, then you’ll still be there, walking alongside them. It will simply be unseen.’
‘But I won’t be able to hug them through the bad times, or the good. Jack, I’m tired, and I do know that you’re right. But it feels selfish to give up on life. I want to be here when they need me. I simply have to hang on to every single day, because each is precious and might make a difference.’
We exchange sad smiles, aware that death is the one true constant in life.
‘I know, Gracie, my darling. You feel you are letting them down, that old age is merely a weakness. I’ll be by your side no matter what happens and, when the time comes, we’ll all be there to surround Adam, and Lily, with our love. It does help, my dear – love is a powerful thing both sides of life. They will feel, and take comfort from, the energy around them; even if they never open up their minds enough to accept we are only a thought away. For some people it’s easier to let go completely and focus on happy memories.’
It’s hard to comprehend the other side of life, but wonderful that Jack visits and chats to me. I long to reach out, knowing full well that he isn’t really here at all. Sometimes it feels real, more than simply my imagination.
‘There’s nothing to fear, Gracie. If there was, I would tell you. Trust me, my love.’
As he fades away, his words are left ringing in my ears and once more I’m alone in the bedroom. He understands my fears; or rather my imagination is playing out those fears, now I know my time is limited.
Adam seems to be so unsettled at the moment, living only half a life. His time with Lily filling the emptiness; his time alone filled with work. It’s been quite a while since he ventured out on a date. I suspect the longer it continues, the less inclined he’s going to be to begin looking for someone again.
My chest feels tight tonight, the breathlessness oppressive, and stifling. A wave of claustrophobia catches me unawares and I reach for my inhaler. My heartbeat slows and the gentle beat turns into a loud thump. It’s so loud that I can hear it labouring away. Thump, thump, thump. I hold my breath as the pattern changes. I begin to wonder if this hesitant thud is the last, but it quickly settles down again.
‘Not yet, please, not yet,’ I whi
sper to the darkened, empty room. ‘Dear God, I want to hang on until I feel Adam is better able to cope.’
Adam
You Can Run But You Can’t Hide
I have no idea why this particular visit is bringing back so many childhood memories. It’s obvious Grandma is very unwell, she even waved off my questions about the pendant she’s now wearing around her neck. Clearly it’s an alarm. I’ve seen them before.
All I can do is to make the place as secure, and safe as I can. It’s been a busy few days adding grab handles to the shower cubicle and alongside the front and back doors. In the garden I’ve erected handrails in places where there are steps, or an incline. All little things that Grandma Grace happily accepted and that was the thing that scared me, even more than the silent worries in my head. Grace never accepts help and the fact that she was grateful, and happily agreed with my suggestions, spoke louder than any words.
‘You’re worrying about me again.’ Her hand touches my shoulder as she walks past my chair. ‘If you want to make me happy, then I need you to stop worrying and think about your own future instead.’
I lean my cheek against her hand, finding it cold, despite the temperature of the room.
‘You’re important to me – to us. I know the lodge was never your home, because you were already married and living with Pop when it was purchased. But it was your parents’ home for many years and without that legacy to eventually pass on to Mum, it wouldn’t have been my family home as a child. I know when I came here to live it was hard for you, renting out The Beeches, but I’m grateful you did. It meant nothing to Kelly, of course, other than bricks and mortar, but it means a lot to Lily and me. Come and stay with us for a little while. They say a change is as good as a rest.’
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 11