‘When you dressed this morning you forgot to put on your shoes,’ I admonish, and he begins laughing.
‘Give me a break, Gracie. It takes a lot of energy to show myself to you, my love, but it’s worth the effort.’ As if to confirm that he fades slightly, making the fact that he’s only visible from his head to his knees, less obvious.
‘You haven’t answered my question.’ I fix him with a stare and he shrugs his shoulders.
‘It’s not me you should be asking.’ Suddenly his expression is one of deep sadness and I wonder if he’s going to cry. Can a spirit shed tears? ‘I’m here for one reason only, my love, and that’s to be here for you when you begin your journey.’
‘I am tired, but I don’t want to let go. I have to hang on to see this through and no one is going to tell me otherwise. Some people fight for what they want out of life, and if other people get hurt in the process they accept that as a natural part of the process. Katie and Adam are two of life’s more sensitive individuals, who tend to accept their lot without question. They feel they have a responsibility to the people they care for that requires them to put their own needs last. With that, unfortunately, comes a vulnerability because it’s easy to manipulate someone who will put others before themselves. I can’t, and won’t, let them miss this opportunity to grab the happiness I can so clearly see ahead for them.’
Jack hovers behind me and I can feel the weight of his hand on my shoulder, although it’s no longer visible. His image is fading fast.
‘And aren’t you doing the exact same thing, Gracie? Putting those you love before yourself? I’ve been sent to help you to let go of that sense of responsibility you feel, which is such an enormous weight upon you it’s obscuring the path you are about to follow. It’s time for you to step back and put your trust in Adam and Katie.’
A tear trickles down my cheek, but I continue to hold my head aloft. The room almost hums with the heaviness of the silence, but inside my head a voice is shouting out with anger. ‘I won’t let go until I know they are together.’
Before Jack’s image fades away into nothingness there’s one last smile, but I hear his words clearly.
‘Prepare yourself, my dear, and know that I’m never more than an arm’s length away. I’m asking you to put your trust in me for the last time.’
Katie
This Can’t Be Happening
A sleepless night is followed by an anxious start to the day. Hazel isn’t in work and one of the Saturday girls is helping out. Only a dozen orders are due for collection and after about eleven o’clock it’s very quiet.
I’m watching the clock, and wondering why Grace hasn’t called. Has Adam been delayed, or has something gone wrong with the plan? I can’t believe I’m seriously intending to be a part of this. It feels wrong, even though at the same time it also feels very right.
I walk through into my office, on the excuse of taking a coffee break. Instead I pace back and forth for a few minutes, trying to make some sense out of a situation that feels like sheer madness. What was I thinking?
I reach for the phone and dial Grace’s number, assuming she’ll pick up within a few rings. I imagine her hovering next to it, waiting for Adam’s call. It rings a dozen times and there’s no answer. Now I have a dilemma. I wait five minutes and ring again. Twelve rings, and still there’s no reply.
Unlike Grace, I have no psychic ability at all, but I do have a gut feeling that is telling me something is very wrong. Of course, Grace could be answering the door, or in the bathroom. My head tries to rationalise the situation, but fear keeps creeping in, like a cold hand reaching out to grab me.
‘I’m heading out to do a special delivery. I’ll be back in an hour.’ I throw the words over my shoulder, without as much as a backwards glance. Now is not the time to stop and explain. I have to know what’s happening.
I run to my car, a bead of sweat beginning to form on my upper lip, despite the icy cold wind whipping around me. I fumble with my keys, having to press the key fob repeatedly to get the mechanism to release.
‘Damn it, not now!’ I shout at the car, as if it’s doing this to me on purpose. My heart is racing, pumping adrenalin around my body.
When I arrive at the house it’s hard to tell from the outside whether, or not, Grace is at home. I ring the bell several times and bend to look through the letterbox. There’s no response, but nothing appears to be out of place, as far as I can tell. I simply know that an old lady is unlikely to have ventured out on her own in this weather. She must be inside the house. I step over the shrubbery in front of the sitting room window and cup my hands around my eyes as I peer inside.
I can’t see Grace, but the fire is lit and everything looks very normal. Something moves to the right-hand side of me and I notice the neighbour’s curtain being pulled back. A face appears.
I wave out and a woman opens the window to hear what I’m saying.
‘Is everything all right?’
‘I’m … um … making a delivery, but can’t get a reply. I’m a little worried as the fire is lit and I know Grace is waiting for her grandson. I’m not sure what to do.’
The look on my face is enough to communicate my concern and the woman indicates for me to wait. She closes the window and within a few minutes is standing next to me.
‘I have a key, for emergencies.’ She waves it in front of me. ‘I don’t think Grace will mind, she’s probably resting upstairs. She might have fallen asleep.’
‘Thank you so much,’ I add as she inserts the key and the door swings open.
‘Hellooo, Grace, its Marie – from next door. You have a delivery.’
When there’s no reply, Marie gives me a nervous glance and then steps inside. In silence I follow her in, as she checks the kitchen, and then the sitting room.
‘Grace, are you upstairs?’ she calls, a little tremor catching in her voice.
‘I’ll go.’ I indicate for her to stay downstairs.
Even before my foot is on the first tread, I know what’s happened. My eyes fill with tears that start to track down my face.
‘Grace,’ my voice is barely a whisper, ‘it’s only Katie.’
She’s on the bed, fully dressed, and lying there peacefully as if she’s merely resting. Without having to check, I know it’s too late. Her skin is rosy pink. She looks content and there is a faint smile on her face. The end was not a struggle, it was a release, and for that I whisper a little prayer of thanks.
Katie
It’s Over and I Can’t Believe It
‘But, she can’t be dead.’ Adam’s voice doesn’t break, it remains steady and he’s insistent. ‘I tried to ring to let Grandma know we were leaving, but she was asleep.’
Grace’s neighbour, Marie, gently takes Lily by the hand to lead her out of the room. The house is full of people and I hope Lily doesn’t understand what’s happened. Adam isn’t in a fit state to comfort her. Marie, at least, is calm and will no doubt take Lily back to her own home.
‘Adam, please sit down. I’m so very sorry.’ My voice is reduced to a faint plea. I mop at my eyes once again with the soggy tissue in my hand.
‘She can’t be dead.’ He repeats the words, his voice emotionless. His face is now ashen and his hands begin to tremble. ‘She … can’t … be gone …’ His words fall apart as the tears stream down his face. His body is wracked with sobs.
What can I do? What can I say? I throw my arms around him as if I have every right to be the one to provide comfort. He clings to me, our tears mingling. I’m not even sure he knows who I am. His confusion and distress, tears at my heart. He begins to rock back and forwards ever so lightly on his feet, but he doesn’t loosen his grip for several minutes.
Gradually he stills, and then pulls back, gently. The pallor on his skin is such that I wonder if he’s going to faint, but he remains upright.
‘Sorry, sorry … it’s just … the shock.’ He rubs his face roughly with his hands, raking them across his eyes in an attempt to co
mpose himself. Taking a deep breath, he turns to look at me, our eyes lock and recognition sets in. ‘Katie … it’s you … what? What are you doing here?’
He shakes his head in an attempt to clear his mind. He’s clearly confused and finding it too much to take in.
‘I was making a delivery. I’m so sorry this should happen now. Your grandmother is upstairs. I think her passing was peaceful. She was all ready for your visit, but it seems she simply went to lie down for a while. It’s a lovely way to go, Adam, as she looks at rest.’
He’s struggling to take in what I’m trying to tell him. His head keeps turning towards the hallway and then back to me, questioningly, as if he doesn’t understand.
‘Lily …’
‘Lily’s fine. Marie has taken her next door. Adam, the doctor is with Grace, and she’s upstairs. You need to see her. Do you want me to come with you?’
I speak slowly, letting him digest my words. He nods his head, but doesn’t make any attempt to move. Touching his arm lightly, I guide him out into the hallway and past two policemen, who immediately step back out of our way. His legs don’t seem to be working properly, and we climb the stairs slowly, one at a time. I have to apply pressure to his arm, to encourage him to take each step.
The doctor appears on the landing and can see that Adam is in a state of complete shock. He gives a curt nod of acknowledgement and moves to one side. He leans into me and whispers, ‘An ambulance is on the way. I think she passed about two hours ago.’
Adam takes a step forward, turning around to look at me for approval.
‘Go ahead,’ I say, gently, increasing the pressure on his arm.
He enters the room, barely glancing at the bed, and walks straight over to the window. He places both hands palms down on the sill. His silhouette trembles with wracking, dry sobs. I can’t control my tears once more and I lean against the wall, overwhelmed by the scene I’m witnessing.
Minutes pass and my head begins to pound. I can’t take my eyes away from Adam’s back; it’s the saddest thing I’ve ever witnessed. Then he turns, walking on unsteady feet across to the bed, and drops down onto his knees.
‘Oh my love, my love,’ he cries out in anguish. He very gently takes her hand in his. ‘You can’t leave us. I’m not ready to let you go.’
After a few moments, he moves his other hand up, to gently touch her cheek.
‘She looks like she’s sleeping. Maybe the doctor is wrong.’ His voice is begging, his eyes wild with torment.
‘I wish that, too, Adam. But in your heart, you know it’s a blessed release for her.’
‘Is it true what they say?’
I look at him, my mind a blank. I have no idea what he’s talking about.
‘That when the soul leaves the body it stays close for a while, before it finally departs.’
The look of desperation on his face is too much to bear. I drag my sleeve across my eyes, so that I can see him more clearly. I kneel down, facing him across the bed.
‘I don’t know, Adam, I wish I did. Shall we stay here for a little while, so Grace isn’t alone?’
‘I’d like that. Katie, will you do something for me? Will you hold her other hand?’
I nod, unable to speak, and gently take her right hand in mine.
‘You’re not alone, Grandma,’ he whispers. ‘We’re here with you. I don’t want to let you go, but I have no choice. It will be all right. I promise.’
How much times passes, I have no idea, but the doctor reappears and hovers. He wants to say something, but is hesitant to disturb the vigil.
I look up at him, and he clears his throat, going on to explain that the ambulance has arrived. He tells Adam to take as long as he needs and leaves the room.
After a while, Adam looks across at me. I think he’s ready, but a part of him also doesn’t want to let her go. I think he wants someone else to make the decision. What right do I have to be the one to say it’s time for her to be taken away? The reality of the situation is that there is no one else and maybe this is something I can do for them both. The words everything happens for a reason flashes through my head.
I gently lay Grace’s hand back down on the bed and walk around to Adam. Kneeling next to him, I place my hand alongside his own.
‘It’s time, isn’t it?’ His words sound fearful. ‘I can’t seem to let go.’
‘Hold my hand, Adam.’ I take my hand off the bed and hold it out to him. He stares at it without moving. After a few moments, he shifts his position and raises himself up onto one knee, his hand still covering Grace’s. Gradually, inch-by-inch, his hand withdraws from hers. He grabs mine with an intensity that almost makes me cry out.
Hand in hand we leave the room and he doesn’t look back. He follows me as I lead him downstairs and into the kitchen. When I let go of his hand, he stands there seemingly unable to move. I steer him in front of a chair and press him down into it.
Discreetly I shut the kitchen door, I don’t want Adam to see the ambulance men when they enter, or exit. Then I begin searching through the cupboards, until I find a bottle of something alcoholic and a couple of glasses. Sitting down next to Adam, I pour two fingers of brandy into each and slide one glass in front of him.
He stares down into it, blankly.
‘I don’t drink brandy,’ he states, with a puzzled look on his face.
‘Neither do I.’
I touch his hand and smile at him, pointedly. He acknowledges with a grunt and lifts the glass to his lips.
Summer
Adam
A Battle of Wills
‘Lily, Leonie’s here.’
Lily waves, but doesn’t seem to be making any attempt at all to move, content to remain in the tree house. ‘We need to leave very shortly,’ I add, in case she’s forgotten.
Why is it that kids have no absolutely no sense of time, or urgency? Lily knows full well that Leonie and I have a dinner date tonight. When I agreed she could go and sit in the tree house to read, she promised me faithfully she’d pack up the instant Leonie arrived.
‘Ten minutes and we have to go, darling. Being late is so rude. Everyone else will be on time.’
Leonie is looking very chic tonight. Her little black dress is perfectly accompanied by the delicate gold chain she chose for her birthday.
I quickly run the clothes brush over my jacket and then pop my head out to hurry Lily along.
‘Lily, it’s time. Your bag is ready. Charlotte and Emily will be waiting.’
Lily looks back at me sulkily and very reluctantly begins climbing down. I wander out to meet her, hoping to avoid any hint of a tantrum.
‘What’s up?’ I kneel down in front of her and her bottom lip trembles.
‘Do you have to go out tonight, Dad? I don’t feel well.’
‘Where does it hurt?’
She hangs her head to one side, considering her answer.
‘I’m itchy, on my arms.’
‘Well, maybe we didn’t apply enough sunscreen. They are a little pink and I suspect that’s making them feel a bit sensitive. I’ll grab some moisturiser and after you’ve had your shower, you can ask Charlotte to help you apply it.’ I plant a kiss on her forehead. ‘That’s my girl. Now, go and grab your bag and I’ll walk you next door.’
Back in the kitchen Leonie looks up and then taps her watch.
‘We’re ready.’ I’m annoyed at the reminder. ‘Two minutes and I’ll be back. I’ll meet you at the car.’
Lily saunters past Leonie and there’s no eye contact whatsoever between them. I sigh, wishing one, or the other, would make an effort to lighten the tension.
Leonie utters, ‘Good night, Lily,’ but I know she’s only saying it for my benefit. Lily knows that too, so it’s a wasted gesture.
Lily’s response is hardly audible, but fortunately Leonie is in no mood to pick up on it.
‘Two minutes,’ I mouth as I follow Lily out of the door. I throw the house keys across to Leonie. ‘Just the front door, everything else
is locked up.’
I explain to Charlotte we’re running late, give Lily a kiss and a hug, then make my way to the car.
After Leonie convinced me that my old job was too demanding, it was a big step backwards accepting the IT support job they offered me. My boss thought so too, but it was good of him to accommodate my request. I thought it would solve all of my problems, although I appreciated that my new working day was going to be rather mundane from that point onwards. The switch from troubleshooting major problems to carrying out routine maintenance was the price for keeping Leonie happy.
Leonie used to dread the week I was travelling because I was rarely at home. Now I’m working from home permanently, it’s the week Lily is with me that causes all of the problems between us. By necessity it has to revolve around school-runs, after-school activities, father/daughter time with Lily, and running the house. It seems I can’t win, no matter what I do. I understand that sometimes Leonie feels like an outsider when Lily’s around. She doesn’t seem to appreciate that kids have to be the centre of your world while they are growing up and that’s the sacrifice every parent has to make. Except, of course, Leonie isn’t a parent, and I am. She’s already tired of constantly having to make an effort with Lily. The novelty of being around a nine-year-old waned very quickly and now it’s like a war zone around here at times. The divide between Leonie and Lily grows with each passing day. I’m caught in the middle, trying to keep them both happy.
I’m tired of Leonie’s complaints. ‘You spoil her,’ she accuses and, ‘You don’t have to jump every time Lily snaps her fingers.’ If she could only hear herself, some of her comments are unnecessary and untrue. I don’t spoil Lily, I often lay down the law and Lily knows where the line is drawn. She’s growing up, and yes, they can all be a little difficult at times, but trying to push the boundaries is a part of the learning curve. Leonie can only ever see things from her own perspective. If something inconveniences her, then all hell is let loose.
I’ve tried to explain that Lily won’t be a child forever. As each year passes, she will become more, and more, independent. Leonie’s response to that was to rant on about how awful teenagers can be. She then proceeded to tell me that I was an over-protective father, whose actions were guilt-driven. Of course, that wasn’t just upsetting, I then had to go away and think about whether she had a point.
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 17