I know the situation isn’t easy, but Leonie refuses to have any sympathy, or empathy, for a little girl growing up under difficult circumstances. I know it happens to so many families these days, but that fact doesn’t change anything, or make it any easier. We all want the very best for our kids and maybe Leonie will only ever understand that if she has a child of her own. The worrying thought that crosses my mind is whether some women simply don’t have that natural mothering instinct within them. As a loving father, I know how difficult I find it taking on both roles when Lily is with me. As much as I dote on my daughter, there was so much I didn’t understand until I found myself having to cope on my own, twenty-four hours a day.
I’m trying to be fair and see things through Leonie’s eyes. I will admit that Lily can be demanding at times, but she isn’t some spoiled kid who makes ridiculous demands and always insists on getting her own way. Admittedly, there are times Lily forgets that as three, we now have another person’s preferences to consider. However, on the whole, I think she’s handling it well, given the circumstances. As for Leonie, it appears she’s digging in her heels and picking up on anything and everything she can, simply to prove a point. What she can’t see is that if she doesn’t start trying to build bridges, this isn’t ever going to work. It’s not about winners, or losers – or scoring points.
‘Going through probate is such a chore, bet you’re glad that’s all behind you now. Does that mean the house is up for sale?’ Alan looks across at Leonie and then turns his head in my direction.
‘Yes, everything is sorted, and no, the house isn’t on the market.’
I feel I’m being set up here. Has Leonie been talking to Alan about it and primed him to raise the subject?
‘What are you going to do with it?’
‘Yes, Adam, what are you going to do with it?’ Leonie repeats, with a slight edge to her voice.
I lay down my knife and fork, rest my elbows on the table, and take a deep breath.
‘The answer is that I don’t know.’
‘You’ll never live there, your home is here. It has to go, unless you want to rent it out.’ Clearly Alan can’t understand why I’m holding off, and I’m well aware of Leonie’s view on this. Alan continues, seemingly unaware that this is still a very sensitive issue between the two of us.
‘The money could be invested and earning you interest, Adam. You can’t be sentimental about bricks and mortar. It’s an asset, pure and simple. Your grandmother wouldn’t have wanted it to remain empty forever.’
‘I agree,’ Leonie softens her voice and gives me a reassuring smile.
‘I need a little more time, that’s all. I’ll do the right thing in the end. Maybe I will rent it out for a while.’
The thought of some stranger living in Grace’s house is more than I can bear, but I’m not going to admit that. Lily, too, has asked about it once or twice. She misses our little trips and we haven’t been back since the funeral. A removal company went in to pack everything up and put it all into storage until I can face sorting out the contents. I pay one of the neighbours to call in once a week to check over the house and to keep the outside tidy. Marie, from next door, has a key and she keeps a general eye on things.
I wish someone would change the subject and I flash Amanda a look of sheer desperation. She rises to the occasion, as I knew she would, and launches into a conversation about hot tubs.
Maybe it is time Lily and I did the trip once more. Maybe if we said our goodbyes to the house, we could move on. I accept that it’s a house designed for a family and Grace would be sad to think of it standing empty. Knowing that doesn’t make it any easier, though, and I keep putting off making a decision.
Suddenly, I feel very tired and I want to check on Lily.
‘I won’t be long,’ I say, rising from my chair. ‘I’m going to give Charlotte a call to see if Lily’s okay. She wasn’t feeling well earlier.’
All heads turn my way as I walk towards the bar and Leonie doesn’t look pleased. I don’t know why, because I’ve hardly contributed to the conversation this evening.
‘Charlotte, it’s me. How’s Lily? She said her skin was itchy when she was in the garden.’
‘She’s fine. We put on some moisturiser and now they’re tucked up in bed, both of them are sound asleep.’
She seems relaxed, I’m worrying over nothing.
‘Great. Thanks.’ I feel like I’m being over-protective and I’m sure that’s how Leonie looks at it.
‘It’s only natural she’s still a bit clingy, Adam. There are bound to be times when she thinks about her great-grandma and wishes she was still here. She probably doesn’t mention it because she knows how upset it would make you. Today might have been a sad day for her, but she’s been absolutely fine all evening.’
‘Thanks. If she wakes up and she wants to come home early you will call me, won’t you? No matter what time of the night it is.’
‘I thought Leonie was staying over?’
‘She is, but she’ll understand. You know – if it’s important.’
As I walk back to the table and take my seat, a wave of laughter erupts.
‘What?’ I ask, looking at them all blankly.
‘We were taking bets,’ Alan admits, winking at Leonie.
‘On?’
‘On how long it would take you to check in with the babysitter.’
I stand up and as I push back my chair, I shoot Leonie a look of complete and utter distaste.
‘You don’t get it, do you? I don’t care about possessions and money, or what people think. Having a child means you put them first, every time. My daughter’s missing her great-grandmother and if she wakes up feeling upset, I want to be there for her. I’ll call you tomorrow, Leonie.’
Most of the people in the restaurant are staring at me now as I make a quick exit. Outside I grit my teeth, willing the anger to subside before I get behind the wheel of the car. I need to calm myself down and think about why, once again, my life is beginning to feel like one big mess.
Katie
Picking Up the Pieces
I feel like a plane that’s flying in autopilot mode – nothing that happens seems to invoke any reaction in me, as if I’m a robot devoid of feelings. I get up, go to work and come home. Then it happens all over again – Groundhog Day without the desire to change anything, because I can’t even figure out what I could do to make it all right.
The truth is that I simply can’t allow myself to feel any more and I know that if I do, I will sink into a depression. After Grace’s death I felt like I’d just stepped off a rollercoaster that had taken me from dizzying heights, down to sub-zero level in mere seconds. When my body finally equalised there was nothing left to distract me. I decided that it was easier to live in freefall, detaching myself from any emotion whatsoever, than it was to face up to those deep, dark feelings. If I wasn’t going to find true happiness, what was the point of getting up every day to face the world? That’s a question I’m still trying to keep at bay, hoping that one day I’ll wake up to find it no longer applies.
Looking back it feels rather like a dream, if I’m honest. As time passes those mixed feelings of grief, disappointment and heartache are receding and I refuse to let them slip back into my day to day life. When I find myself thinking about Adam, or Lily, it’s with fondness. I suppose it’s only natural that I should feel for their loss and wonder how they are doing, because it touched my heart. But from now on in it’s all about survival and when I feel ready, I have to begin thinking about the future again. But I’m not ready, not just yet.
‘I do wish you’d snap out of this funk you’ve been in, lately.’ Hazel ignores the shrug I give her in response. ‘It’s not like you to wallow in self-pity. Isn’t it about time you told me what’s going on in that head of yours? It’s like someone has turned a switch off, or something. I’m worried about you and I have been for quite a while.’ She ends on a softer note and I know it’s not the first time she’s tried to ge
t me talking.
‘Stop worrying about me all the time. I’m doing fine.’
‘Fine, you say. Well, life’s too short to live it in a mediocre way and from where I’m standing that’s exactly what you’ve settled for. It doesn’t suit you, Katie.’ She leans back against the counter, her eyes flashing over my face looking for a reaction.
‘Life can’t be all fireworks and parties. Sometimes it’s about hard work and keeping your head down.’
She laughs, but there’s more than a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
‘So this is it? This is how it’s going to be from here on in?’
In exasperation I place the last cupcake inside the glass cabinet and then turn back to face her.
‘It won’t be forever, Hazel. It’s time to stop dreaming about the unobtainable and make the most of what I have.’
The look on her face is one of shock, as if she’s been slapped. She steps forward, placing her hands on my shoulders and leans in, lowering her voice.
‘I knew you were devastated, but I didn’t realise you’d given up all hope. I mean … you know where he lives, you could go and see him.’
Her eyes reflect such depth of concern, I find myself holding my breath for a moment. Hazel knows me too well. Did I really think I could fool her?
‘That’s not an option for so many reasons I couldn’t even begin to explain. We all dream, Hazel, but how often do dreams come true? Just be a true friend and accept that it is what it is, and I’m moving on. When I’m good and ready I’ll know what to do next, but at the moment I’m content just to get through each day.’
She shakes her head, miserably.
‘In my opinion, and as a true friend, I want to tell you that you’re making a big mistake. I thought you just needed some time … but now … Look, promise me one thing, just ONE thing. If Adam comes back to see you, you’ll tell him everything. Just promise me that you won’t let him go until he knows the full story.’
‘I don’t think that would be right. It wouldn’t be fair to drag him—’
‘You owe it to Grace, even if you don’t think you owe it to yourself.’
‘It’s unlikely I’ll ever see him again, anyway.’
‘Then it’s no big deal to make a promise, is it?’
I nod my head and, at last, Hazel seems satisfied. I don’t allow myself the indulgence of fantasy conversations with Adam any more. It’s called self-preservation.
Adam
It’s Time
‘You don’t have to go in if you don’t want to.’ I’m kneeling next to Lily, with my arm around her shoulders. We’re standing in front of Grandma Grace’s house. ‘We can do this another time. It doesn’t have to be now.’
Lily chews her lip, glancing anxiously from the house to me and back again.
‘When people die, Daddy, are they gone forever?’ She looks at me expectantly because, of course, I have all the answers.
‘Well, let me think about that one.’ I have no idea what to say. ‘Hmm … how can I explain it? We can’t see them, but they are always with us, in here.’ I pat my chest, hoping Lily realises I mean in our hearts.
‘I know that, Dad. I mean, some people see ghosts. Is Grandma Grace a ghost?’ She looks at me with hopeful eyes, awaiting a revelation.
‘Ghosts aren’t real, Lily. Sometimes people want to believe that because it’s hard saying goodbye. But it doesn’t have to be so hard. You keep on talking to the people you love, as if they are always by your side. We might not be able to see them, but they know what we’re feeling.’
I’m not sure what I said even makes sense. How do you explain the unexplainable to a child?
‘We can go in now,’ Lily replies. ‘I’m glad the furniture is gone. It’s not Grandma’s house any more, is it?’
Lily never fails to astound me. Despite the sadness and the feelings that are still so raw, she’s a strong little thing. Her mind is coping with this in the only way it can. I think she was disappointed when I said Grandma Grace isn’t a ghost, whereas I thought she might have been frightened by that thought. It hadn’t occurred to me she saw it as a potentially positive thing.
Inside the house it feels very strange walking around the empty rooms. Even with the old carpets still on the floor and the familiar curtains hanging at the windows, there’s a strange hollowness now it’s devoid of furniture and personal effects.
‘It feels lonely,’ Lily comments. She seems touched by the thought and yet completely unfazed by it.
The irony is not lost on me that I was thinking exactly the same thing.
‘Dad?’
‘Yes?’
‘Can we buy some cupcakes?’
Her eyes follow me as I walk across to peer out of the window. When there’s only emptiness inside, the only option is to find something, anything, to focus upon.
‘I don’t know, Lily. Maybe not today.’
She pulls a face. ‘Please.’ Her voice raises a pitch, or two, as it does when she’s trying to talk me into something.
‘We don’t want to upset Katie, now do we?’
Lily thinks about it for a moment. We haven’t seen Katie since the funeral. I can’t imagine how awful it must have been for her, being the one to discover Grace. We didn’t have a chance to really talk about it. I remember she was very kind, but most of it is a blur.
‘Grandma Grace says we need to let Katie know how we are. She’s worried about us and we shouldn’t go home until we’ve seen her.’
A chill runs through me, wondering what on earth is going through Lily’s head. She makes the statement, as if it’s a simple fact that I’ve overlooked.
‘It’s lovely that you think about Katie, she has been a good friend. Yes, we can go to see her if it’s important to you. Grandma can’t talk to you now she’s in heaven, Lily, it’s simply the thoughts going around in your head.’
‘Does Grandma talk to you, Dad?’
‘Well, no.’
‘Then how would you know?’
How can you argue with the logic of a child’s mind? You can’t. So we head off to Sweet Occasions and I admit that my stomach is doing somersaults. Is it because it’s the first time since Grace’s passing? Or is it the prospect of seeing Katie again?
As usual, there are no free parking spaces outside the shop. We have to park up and walk back to it. As we approach I notice something looks different and it registers that the sign above the shop is sporting a new logo.
Inside there’s the usual Saturday lunchtime queue and two people are busy serving. One of them is Hazel, who acknowledges us with a cheerful wave when our eyes make contact. As usual, while we are waiting in the queue Lily deliberates over which cupcake she’s going to have. Every time we come in there are new and exciting flavours. Business must be good.
‘What can I do for you today?’ Hazel beams at us, when finally we’re at the head of the queue.
‘I’m going to have one of those, please. Lily, have you made up your mind?’
Lily curls up her hand, resting it beneath her chin in thinking mode.
‘Hmm, not quite decided …’
Hazel smiles. ‘It’s been a while. How are you both?’
‘We’re good, thanks. The new sign is eye-catching.’
‘Yes. Steve’s a partner in the business now. We’ve won a contract with a supermarket chain and Sweet Occasions’ cupcakes will be going into mass production. The bakery is being moved to a big new unit up on the industrial estate. The kitchen here will be used to run cake decorating courses, eventually. Steve says it will then justify keeping the shop open.’ Hazel sounds excited at the prospect. ‘I’ll give Katie a shout; she’ll be pleased to see you both.’
Hazel disappears before I have time to stop her. It’s not quite the news I was expecting and while I’m glad things are going well, for some weird reason I feel … disappointed. People’s lives move on. Katie and Steve have obviously overcome whatever problems they had. Besides, I have Leonie. What on earth is wrong with me?
The moment I spot Katie, I know precisely what’s wrong with me. Oh, no, this is bad, very bad. Katie walks around the counter and kneels down next to Lily.
‘This is a rather nice surprise. That’s a very pretty dress, Lily. And you’ve had your hair cut. You look very grown-up.’
I watch with dismay as instead of returning Katie’s smile, Lily’s bottom lip begins to quiver and suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, she throws her arms around Katie. It isn’t a gentle hug, she appears to be clinging on as if she has no intention of letting go. Katie is clearly taken by surprise and looks up at me, her eyes reflecting concern. She makes no attempt to draw away, but instead talks softly into Lily’s ear.
‘We have some very special cupcakes today with icing the same colour as your dress. Would you like to try one of those, or how about the fondant sparkle – it’s covered in glitter and has a little wand.’
With Lily’s arms still firmly clasped around her, Katie turns slightly to point to the display case. Lily’s eyes follow her hand, but she makes no attempt to reply.
‘Can’t decide? Go and sit down at one of the tables and I’ll bring you over a little selection to try.’ Lily rather reluctantly lets go to make her way to a table. Katie stands and looks at me, searching my face with her eyes.
‘It breaks my heart to think of how much Lily misses Grace. How are you doing?’ she asks, softly.
It takes a moment for me to reply. The feeling that grips me isn’t one of sadness linked to Grandma Grace’s death, as I’d feared, but much worse. It’s a feeling of longing. I want everyone to disappear, so that it’s just the two of us. I want to sit down and pour out my heart to her. Instead, I say the first thing that comes into my head.
‘Some days are better than others. I see you have a new sign.’
She frowns, what was she expecting me to say?
‘Yes, lots of things happening at the moment. Time to move on. But it’s all good. Coffee?’
A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma Page 18