A Little Sugar, A Lot of Love: With cupcakes, coffee and karma

by Halton, Linn B

  I nod and, as she walks over to prepare the drinks, I can’t take my eyes off her. She looks different in some way. Happier, I suppose and, stupidly, it feels like a blow to my stomach. I don’t want her to be unhappy, ever.

  ‘Dad, I love coming here,’ Lily’s sing-song pitch touches my heart as I sit down next to her.

  I smile, ruffling her hair. ‘Spoken like a true lover of cake. What’s not to like here? And don’t go getting any more ideas about birthday cakes. We can’t expect Katie to make another trip this year.’

  Lily fakes a trembling lip, but ends up giggling.

  ‘Aw, Dad. The princess cake was such fun. Of course, I’m too grown-up for that now.’

  Katie overhears Lily’s response as she places a tray down on the table. There’s a large plate with several cupcakes sliced into quarters, two cups of coffee and a milk shake.

  ‘Well, I can’t believe how much you’ve grown since I last saw you.’

  As soon as Katie finishes speaking she flashes me a worried glance. No doubt remembering that the last time was, in fact, at the funeral. Lily, though, seems unaware and is already sampling one of the cupcakes.

  ‘Thank you, Katie, this is delicious,’ she mumbles, her mouth full of cake.

  Katie seems genuinely pleased to see us. It’s clear she wants to say something, but is hesitant because Lily is watching us both intently.

  ‘Lily, why don’t you go and take a look through one of Katie’s cake catalogues? I’m not promising, but if we’re this way maybe we would be able to pick one up for this year’s birthday party.’ Almost before I’ve finished speaking, Lily is up and racing over to begin looking.

  ‘She’s growing up so fast,’ I automatically comment as I watch her.

  Katie nods.

  ‘She’s a lovely girl, Adam. How is she taking it? This must be your first trip back. I’m assuming that’s what the hug was all about. It really brought a lump to my throat.’

  I place my coffee cup back down on the table and turn to face Katie. Our eyes meet and I know we’re both thinking about that awful day.

  ‘It’s been tough, I’ll admit. She was fine at the house today, though. A little disappointed, I fear, when I had to explain that Grandma Grace wasn’t a ghost. I think she hoped that when we went inside she’d still be there. It rather took me by surprise, but it reminded me how resilient kids are.’

  Katie’s eyes look sad. She leans in, lowering her voice.

  ‘And how are you doing – really?’ Katie looks up into my face and something tangible passes between us. Whether it’s sympathy, empathy, or sorrow, I don’t know, but it’s powerful, and we both feel it. I have to look away, as I’m scared I’m going to say something I shouldn’t. Instead, I take a deep breath and make light of it.

  ‘I’m doing fine. Besides, I have to stay strong for Lily.’

  I can see that Katie has something on her mind, but whatever it is she doesn’t share it. Instead, she picks up the plate and smiles, a little sparkle in her eyes.

  ‘Sample the latest flavours. Lavender cream dream and very berry sparkle. Watch out for the glitter, though, if you get it on your fingers you’ll end up with sparkly bits everywhere.’

  We start laughing and I take the largest piece on the plate.

  ‘It’s worth the risk! Things are going well, I hope?’ I have to ask the question, despite kicking myself for being such a fool. Katie takes a deep breath, as if she’s going to make an announcement, but she doesn’t get a chance to reply as Lily comes bounding back with an open catalogue in her hands.

  ‘Dad, can I have a guitar cake? Please, please, pretty please?’

  I roll my eyes. ‘I said maybe, young lady. I can’t promise, but we’ll have to come back to Grandma’s again soon. I’ll try my best to arrange it so that it’s around your birthday. We can place an order as soon as we know for sure.’

  ‘Oh, Katie! My friends would think this cake was so cool! Dad, I’ll be super-good and I promise I’ll be on my best behaviour with Leonie.’

  As soon as Lily mentions the name, Katie looks directly at me. She doesn’t say anything at all, but she seems surprised. For one moment the sparkle goes out of her eyes and then, in an instant, it’s back again.

  ‘Well, you should try to be good all the time and not just when you want something special. I’m sure we can arrange it. Now, Lily, have you decided which cupcakes you want to take back with us?’

  ‘The sparkly ones, please, Dad.’

  I roll my eyes and both Katie and Lily start giggling. ‘Why am I not surprised?’

  In the car on the way home, Lily soon drops off to sleep. The constant chatter from the radio is irritating and I turn it off, letting my thoughts take over. I remember hugging Katie as we cried in Grace’s bedroom. Then, at the funeral, I recall Katie putting her arm around Lily and holding her close as she sobbed her heart out. Leonie was there too, but she stayed aloof throughout, seemingly untouched by our loss. Afterwards, Leonie said she was horrified that someone who wasn’t family should have ‘invited herself along’ to the funeral. When I corrected her and said that not only was it very kind of Katie to attend, but that she had been invited, Leonie was scathing.

  ‘She doesn’t know us, Adam. She’s just someone who sells cakes.’

  There was no point in responding, as whatever I had said would have fuelled the fire of Leonie’s indignation. What she failed to comprehend was that Katie was the last person to see Grace alive and the first person to see her after she had passed. In my eyes that gave her every right to be there and every right to shed tears. You’d have to be heartless not to be affected by something as meaningful as that.

  As darkness descended my mind was waging a battle. On one side there was Leonie, and on the other, Katie. Every time something popped into my head, I found myself comparing them. Little things, like the way Leonie talks to Lily and the way she often says the wrong thing. Then Katie, always positive and upbeat, treating Lily as if she was an adult, rather than talking down to her.

  I remember Grandma saying to me once that everything happens for a reason. Is this my wake-up call? Are my instincts finally telling me that Leonie isn’t the right person for me? As the reality of that thought sinks in, my stomach begins to churn. I’ve been avoiding the issue because I’m feeling ground-down and this a very bitter pill to swallow. But what sort of an example am I setting Lily, who doesn’t deserve the upheaval of another break-up. Although, if I’m honest about it, I’m not sure she’ll be too unhappy. I think Leonie liked the idea of being a part of a family, but the reality of the situation was something very different. She soon tired of having a third person to consider when it came to our relationship, even though I made it clear from the start that Lily has to be my first priority.

  The more I think about what I have to do next, the more depressed I feel. With no one to talk to now Grace is gone, I feel very alone at times. She was my comfort during hard times and also my voice of reason. What do you think I should do, Grandma? My mind sends out the appeal, as if expecting some sort of sign. But my journey home continues in silence, each passing mile reminding me I’m going back to a mess and there is no one to blame but myself.

  Katie

  No One Really Wants To Be Alone

  My heart missed a beat when I saw him. There hasn’t been a single day since the funeral that I haven’t thought about Adam and Lily. I had to resist the temptation to jump in the car and drive up to see how they were doing. Then I would remind myself that Adam knew nothing about Grace’s plan and, even so, his life was moving forward in another direction. Watching them leave is tough, a reminder that there is no link between us other than the fact that he’s a customer.

  ‘I can’t believe you let him go, just like that, without saying anything!’ Hazel walks towards me, eyes flashing with indignation. ‘Clearly the guy has feelings for you and his lovely grandma said exactly the same thing. You’re lonely and alone – hello, wake-up call here.’

  I try to
walk away, but Hazel follows me into the office.

  ‘Look, even if he did like me, maybe the timing is right for me but it isn’t right for him. He’s still with Leonie, Lily mentioned her by name. Besides, I think you’re reading this all wrong. He’s lost his grandmother and his best friend, his confidante. All we’ve ever done is talk, as friends, and the sort of friends who aren’t involved in each other’s lives. It’s comforting being able to share things with someone when you have no idea if you will ever see them again. They don’t meddle in your life, because they aren’t a part of it and they don’t judge you, because they don’t really know you. It’s convenient.’ It’s also very, very sad.

  ‘How can you be so totally clueless when it comes to reading the signals that people give out? If you don’t start opening your eyes soon, you’re going to end up spending the rest of your life alone. Just because Lily mentioned her, doesn’t mean to say it’s all hearts and roses.’ Her tone softens and I know she’s only trying to look out for me. ‘I tried so hard to get you to see the truth about your relationship with Steve and now I’m wondering whether I did the right thing. It’s hard to stand by and watch my best friend pushing the world away.’

  She places her arm around my shoulders and gives me a well-meaning squeeze.

  ‘I want you to be happy, Katie. You deserve that, but it will only happen if you let it.’

  Hazel’s words hurt, not least because of the fact that I feel a connection to both Adam, and Lily, as if it was real. There is a little ache deep inside of me, like a nagging pain, that won’t go away whenever I think of him. But I’m the only one who is free as a bird. How could I say anything, even if I found the courage to admit how I feel about him? Once again, I’ve backed myself into a corner and I have to stop dwelling on things that aren’t meant to be. Hazel is right in one way, but very wrong in another. If Adam was truly interested in me he would have said something by now, wouldn’t he?

  If I saw a relationship expert, I’m sure it would be pointed out that I keep making the same mistakes. I’m afraid to talk about how I feel and act upon those feelings. Happiness always seems to elude me. I let one day follow another, waiting for things to happen rather than grabbing the moment. With Steve, I was hanging in there out of a sense of duty, when all it did was delay the inevitable. Look at us now. Steve is sorting out his life and moving on. Our business relationship is working well now I’ve seen sense and stopped letting my heart rule my head. I guess he was right all along.

  I’m the one who can’t seem to move forward and yet I was so sure that Steve would be the one to fall apart. I believed he was fragile, what a fool I am! What makes life hard at the moment is that everyone I know is in a relationship and suddenly I’m the odd one out. Hazel says my problem is that I’ve forgotten how to have fun. What she doesn’t understand is that it’s all about confidence and mine has taken a knock lately. Where do I begin, when it comes to making a fresh start? How do you get yourself back into the world of dating? Well, obviously it’s all about making better decisions in the first place. I have to accept that just because I want something, doesn’t mean to say I’m going to get it. Alternatively, I shouldn’t go for the easy option and grab every opportunity that comes along. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, but it’s actually a minefield. However, if I don’t make some sort of effort, then nothing at all will change and I will remain in limbo.

  Maybe I’ll join the local gym. It will give me something to do and who knows, if what I hear is true, then it’s better than signing on with a dating agency.

  It’s official. Being single isn’t fun. It’s all solitary meals and always being the lone female if all of your friends happen to be couples. Walking into places and having to make an effort to talk to total strangers is daunting. I enjoy working out though and I’m seven pounds lighter after just the first couple of weeks. My arms and legs are looking toned and I’m on nodding terms with at least a dozen regulars. Talk usually revolves around the equipment, or the weather, and it’s very plain that I’m useless at making small talk. I look around at the other, obviously single, ladies and the reason men talk to them is that they are easy to approach. They seem to slip into conversation mode so effortlessly and I envy them that. The moment a guy starts talking to me, I clam up and it feels awkward. They soon give up, despite my best efforts. I’m not being unfriendly – I’m simply out of practice and a little shy with people I don’t know. Another session over and it’s a success on the workout front. It’s a total disaster in terms of getting to know people, as I haven’t spoken to anyone at all during the session. Except for the receptionist, of course, and that was a simple ‘good evening’.

  Arriving home, my landlord is waiting outside the house. He looks like he’s loitering with intent, which is extremely odd, to say the least.

  ‘Anything wrong? You look like you’ve been waiting a while. Problems?’ A horrible thought runs through my mind that maybe there’s been a glitch at the bank and my rent hasn’t been paid this month. Landlords like prompt payers. Until I can get a mortgage sorted out, and find the perfect property, this is my home.

  ‘I was waiting to see you, actually.’

  ‘You’d better come inside.’ I swing open the door and the irony of inviting my landlord into his own house makes me smile.

  ‘What’s funny?’ Liam asks, quizzically.

  ‘It’s weird, that’s all. I’m not used to renting and this is your house, after all. Sorry, it’s been a long day. What can I do for you?’

  I don’t want to offer him a coffee or anything because I’m longing to have a shower, pour myself a large glass of wine, and lounge on the sofa with my feet up.

  ‘I wondered if you fancied going for a drink sometime.’ Well, this is a surprise. He’s very casual about it, considering the few times we’ve spoken to date have been rather short and to the point. I take a moment, evaluating whether or not this is a good idea. Am I even remotely interested in him? I can’t decide.

  ‘Ooh, not quite the response I’d hoped for. Tough decision?’ He looks put out.

  ‘I’m thinking,’ I muse. ‘Okay, I can’t see why not.’

  ‘Well, there’s no need to sound so excited about it.’ He’s amused, but thankfully he doesn’t seem to have taken offence. Why am I playing it so cool? Normally I’d be nervous and overly-polite. Grace’s words, ‘everything happens for a reason’, pop into my head. Maybe this is the new me, the one who thinks with her head first and her heart second.

  ‘A drink would be nice, thanks.’

  ‘Great, well, shall we say Saturday at seven and I’ll pick you up here?’

  It’s funny how you don’t really notice someone until something happens to make you stop and look at them in another light. He’s quite cute, rather tall, and very confident. I could do worse.

  ‘Seven it is,’ I reply, sounding extremely laid-back, indeed. I think Hazel would be proud of me on several counts.

  Maybe someone up there is taking pity on me, showing me it isn’t that hard to get back into the swing of being single. As I watch him walk back down the path he turns and gives a little wave. I suppose a part of me is flattered, but another part of me is wondering whether this is going to be one complication too far. Well, I’m already living in his house, so I suppose the least I can do is have a drink with him. I smile to myself, thinking it’s like a scenario from a sitcom.

  Liam is a distraction. I admit he’s beginning to grow on me a little and he’s doing my ego the power of good. Suddenly, all of the small things that need repairing are getting done. He calls in on his way home from work with a few tools. Now the basin tap in the bathroom no longer drips and the window in the bedroom shuts properly. He’s handy to have around, that’s for sure. He’s trying to impress me and yet I must come across as the Ice Queen. The harder he tries, the more I hold him at a distance. It’s like a game and it’s rather fun. That sounds mean, but I’ve been straight with him, so I can only assume he has nothing better to do.

>   Liam’s head pops around the door. ‘The washing machine isn’t leaking any more.’

  ‘About time,’ I retort. ‘What took you so long?’ Lifting my head up from the book I’m reading, I notice his expression is one of disappointment. I was supposed to say how clever he is, being such a multitasker.

  ‘I don’t suppose I could get a cup of coffee?’ He looks at me, hopefully.

  ‘Well, I guess you’ve earned yourself one,’ I reply, begrudgingly. I wouldn’t want him to start feeling at home. He might own the bricks and mortar, but this side of the threshold is my domain.

  ‘Has anyone ever told you that you’re a hard lady to impress?’

  He follows me into the kitchen and I look back over my shoulder, throwing him a dismissive stare. ‘Repeatedly.’

  ‘What was the verdict on Saturday evening?’

  ‘The jury is still out.’

  ‘Oh, I thought it went rather well, for a first date.’ He pretends to look peeved and I can’t resist a smirk. I wonder what my problem is and maybe it’s because he’s a few years younger than me. I’m having a hard time taking him seriously.

  As all of these thoughts are running through my head, I fill the kettle and flick the switch into life. Turning around to grab some coffee mugs, Liam is suddenly there in front of me and before I know what’s happening, his lips are on mine. I have one mug in each hand and as he backs away I’m left with a look of sheer surprise on my face.

  ‘That was totally pointless,’ I remark, not sure how I feel about it.

  ‘Oh, I thought it was rather nice.’ He looks a bit crestfallen considering it was unasked for, and unwarranted.

  ‘Wrong girl, wrong time. I thought I’d made it quite plain, Liam.’

  He looks at me, jutting out his lower jaw while he considers my remark.

  ‘As surprise kisses go, how did it rate?’

  ‘Don’t you ever give up? It’s bad form to ask for a rating on a kiss and very ungentlemanly of you, given the circumstances.’

  ‘I can’t help it if I find you very attractive, Katie. I don’t throw myself at every single woman I meet, honestly. Okay, that was out of order. I feel it was justified though. I want you to know that when you’re ready to get back into a relationship, I’m here for you. A guy has to make an impression when he can because you only get one chance.’