Dr. Critchlore's School for Minions

by Sheila Grau

  “You know what’s agitating me, Rollo?” I asked him. “You not answering my questions.”

  It could only be bad news.

  I was sad and frustrated and not at all tired. Darthin snored on the bed next to me. I stared at the boring white wall with the boring picture of a village under siege by rampaging minions and felt sick with worry.

  I heard a tap at the window. I got up and unlatched it and looked down. Pismo, Eloni, and Boris stood beneath it. Eloni lifted Pismo up to the window and he crawled in.

  “Pismo. I’m so happy to see you. Nobody will tell me anything. Did they catch Miss Merrybench? Is Dr. Critchlore okay?”

  “Relax, dude,” he said. “Jeez, you’ll hurt yourself.”

  I gave him my exasperated look.

  “Fine. Get back in your bed, and I’ll tell you the whole story.”

  “I like stories,” Boris said from outside.

  “You can listen too,” Pismo said. He stood by the window so Eloni and Boris could hear. “Darthin, why don’t you start.”

  Darthin, awake now that the room was noisy, sat up. “Okay. The test was about to start, and nobody knew where you were. While Boris, Eloni, Frankie, Syke, and I were looking for you, we heard everyone at the party scream, and we saw Dr. Critchlore on the cliff. We all watched you rescue him.”

  “Excuse me?” Pismo said. “That was a joint rescue operation.”

  “We didn’t know you’d launched Runt up there, Pismo,” Darthin said. “But fine, we watched you and Runt rescue him. Miss Merrybench screamed at Tootles to get the boat, and they picked you up.”

  “I got it from here,” Pismo said. “By this time everyone at the party had passed out. Tree-Girl knew something was up and wouldn’t let us go up there after you left with Miss Merrybench to see your parents. So we waited. And then we saw that pack of imps race out of the castle. We knew they were up to no good. I told Eloni to pound the living crap out of them, but he said, ‘I can’t hurt another student.’ And I said—”

  “ ‘I’m pretty sure you can,’ ” I filled in for him.

  “Right. But the imps started screaming about you being in trouble, and for some reason we believed them and did what they said. Darthin and Frankie ran to find you. Eloni and Boris ran to the infirmary. I went to the lake. Syke climbed the tallest tree to be a lookout.

  “Well, it turned out that Miss Merrybench was in the infirmary with Dr. Critchlore. When Eloni started blocking the exits, they couldn’t get out.”

  “Miss Merrybench was very angry with me,” Eloni said. “She told me she was going to take my club. I told her it was already gone.”

  I glared at Pismo. He smiled and shrugged. “I’ll give it back,” he whispered to me.

  “But they got out through a hatch in the roof,” Pismo continued.

  “I tried to wrestle her to the ground, but—” Boris couldn’t finish his sentence. We could all picture what had happened, though. Miss Merrybench, tough Iron Woman competitor, could easily outmuscle little Boris.

  “Syke screamed that they were heading for the lake,” Pismo went on. “So I got into position. Dr. Critchlore was still under the power of the drug she’d given him, because he followed her like a lamb. But Miss Merrybench must have forgotten that I’m a merman. I waited for her to pick a boat, and then I disabled it, merman-style.”

  “What’s that?”

  “I rammed it with my battle helmet. I’d stashed my battle gear at the bottom of the lake when I first got here, so I was a fully armed merman machine! The boat sank just as she got back to the pier. Miss Merrybench decided to try for another exit. Syke yelled that she was heading for the front gate, but that’s where you sent the zombies, and …” He paused.

  “And what?” I asked.

  “Well, the rest of this is sketchy, since none of us saw it. But it seems that Miss Merrybench bumped into the zombies, and apparently she wears too much perfume, because the zombies went crazy for her brain.”

  “Oh no.”

  “Oh yes.” Pismo nodded and smiled. “The guards tried to pull them off, but there were too many of them. Miss Merrybench was quickly turned into Miss Missingbrain, if you know what I mean.”

  “Oh no.”

  “Oh yes.”

  “What about Dr. Critchlore?”

  “They gave him the antidote to the Suggesterol. He’s fine.”

  “Thank goodness.”

  “Except that now he’s pining away for Miss Merrybench.”

  “What?”

  “Yeah, Syke overheard him telling Vodum about her evil schemes. Apparently, he’s smitten. ‘A woman like that doesn’t come around every day. If only I had known the depths of her scheming heart!’ ”

  Cook came in next, shooing out the guys.

  “You really scared me, sweetie,” she said, giving me a hug. “Thank goodness you’re okay.”

  “Thanks,” I said. “And thanks for the cupcakes.”

  She sniffed and waved a hand at me, like it was nothing. “If anything ever happened to you …” She turned abruptly and sat in the chair.

  “I love you too,” I said. “But why didn’t you tell me?” All these years she’d been assuring me that I would morph eventually—why lie?

  She pulled her chair closer and grabbed my hand. “Do you remember when you were seven, how you used to follow the werewolves around?”

  “Yes.”

  “You looked up to those werewolves, and that bothered Pierre. At one point, he couldn’t take it anymore, so he told you that you’re not a werewolf. You were depressed for days, wouldn’t come out of your room, barely ate. I was so mad at Pierre. He was mad at himself too, so he tried to fix it.”

  “Fix it?”

  “He made you think you morphed. He put a wood frame in place of your mirror and got a werewolf friend to stand behind it, mimicking every move you made. His friend Larry dressed up like a swamp creature. And you were drowsy; he’d woken you up at midnight. I’m not entirely sure he didn’t slip you a suggestive potion of some kind. He denies it, but of course he would. The next day, you were elated. I was just so relieved to have you back to your normal happy self.”

  “Did he give me this medallion?” I asked, pulling it out from under my shirt. “Was that part of the plan?”

  “No, honey,” she said. “You were wearing that when we found you.”

  “I always thought it was from my werewolf family.”

  “Uncle Ludwig thinks it will help us find your real family. He made a copy of it and keeps it in the library. He’s trying to decipher those symbols around the edge.”

  We sat in silence for a few seconds.

  “You okay?” she asked.

  I nodded. Then I shook my head. “Am I cursed?”

  “What?” I’d expected Cook to be shocked, but instead, she looked angry. I’d seen her angry face enough to know the difference.

  “Dr. Critchlore said you’d poison anyone who told that, quote, little cursed orphan boy he’s not a werewolf, unquote.”

  “Runt,” she said, squeezing my hand. “No more secrets.” Then she sighed. “When you came to the school, Mistress Moira sensed a curse on you, yes. But we’ve been working on finding out who did it. I know if we find out who, and why, we’ll be able to stop it.”

  “Stop the curse?” I said, and then I remembered Mistress Moira’s list of curses at the school. “Am I cursed to bring bad luck to everyone around me?”

  She didn’t say anything, just looked at my face. My insides felt all hollow, because I knew which curse I was.

  “I’m the timed-death curse, aren’t I?”

  Cook started crying.

  “You never told me I’m not a werewolf because you knew I was going to die soon.”

  “No!” she said. “No. We’re going to stop it. Uncle Ludwig’s been researching. I know he’s getting close. What do you think he’s been working on all this time?”

  I felt my eyes tear up. “How long do I have?”

  “According t
o Uncle Ludwig, the standard for timed-death curses is the victim’s thirtieth birthday. But there have been instances of twenty-five, twenty, even …”

  “Even what?”

  “Sixteen.”

  I had three or four years to live. Or, on the bright side, eighteen. “I don’t even know how old I am.”

  “It’s an old curse. Probably cast before you were even born. The witch could die before you reach the, er, deadline.”

  “Deadline,” I repeated. How true.

  Without question, the most important beings on the planet are the dryads, without whom we would all perish, for without trees we would have no oxygen. Plus they’re very beautiful. And intelligent.

  —DR. CRITCHLORE, TO REPORTERS FROM HIS HOSPITAL BED AFTER SUFFERING MULTIPLE INJURIES IN AN UNEXPECTED ACORN ATTACK

  Darthin and I were released from the hospital to attend a special assembly. The auditorium was packed. Professors sat in the first two rows, students behind, and then the school’s employees—the marketing department, the accounting department, maintenance crews, and others. Someone had saved us a couple of seats in the middle next to Dr. Frankenhammer … though maybe “saved” isn’t the right word.

  I noticed Syke over by the side, surrounded by tall, slim women with brown skin and hair tinted green. Hamadryads. They looked fierce as they glared at Dr. Critchlore.

  On the stage, the members of the board of directors sat in a row of chairs. Dr. Critchlore sat on an elaborate throne in the middle. He was back, I could tell at a glance. He sat up straight, as if he had a spine of steel, with a determined look in his eye. To the side of the stage, Professor Vodum sat in the Chair of Shame, a small stool usually reserved for a student who had failed miserably in some way. The look on his face made me think he was about to say, “It’s not faaaiiir.”

  “Why is Vodum up there?” I asked Dr. Frankenhammer.

  “Dr. Critchlore was not pleased at how eagerly Vodum tried to take over while he was indisposed,” he said, smiling. “Not pleased at all.”

  Dr. Critchlore rose and walked forward, his voice amplified by a wireless microphone. “Greetings, minions, school employees, my lovely ward, Syke, and your visiting relatives from the forest, who I wish were as forgiving as they are beautiful—”

  “Why do the hamadryads hate him?” I asked Dr. Frankenhammer.

  “He burned down a hamadryad-protected forest to make the boulderball field.”

  “The fire that killed Syke’s mom?”

  “Yes. He didn’t know hamadryads were living there.”

  “I thought it burned down accidentally, and Dr. Critchlore saved Syke.”

  “He saved Syke from a fire he started,” Dr. Frankenhammer said. “The hamadryads despise him, but Syke had no other place to go, so they made Critchlore keep her. You mustn’t tell her.” He put a finger to his lips.

  Dr. Critchlore had killed Syke’s parents? That couldn’t be right. Still, maybe I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know the truth about my past.

  “… and esteemed members of our board of directors,” Dr. Critchlore said. “Greetings, all. I have called you here today to explain the unfortunate events that have taken place recently. Rest assured, the danger to the school is over. We can now continue with our mission to train the best minions in the world. Syke’s relatives have expressed their displeasure at what they believe is a reckless method of child rearing, but I’m here to assure you all, no one was ever in any real danger.”

  I looked at Darthin—a bandage covered his head. Whenever I moved, something hurt. Yeah, I’d say there had been some danger.

  “First, to explain what happened. As you all know, Dr. Pravus is determined to crush our school. He and I go way back, and he can’t stand any successes I might have. I had thought I had prepared us for any kind of attack, but it is probably due to my humble nature that I didn’t see the threat sitting right outside my office. How was I to suspect that someone would fall in love with me to such a degree that she would risk everything to have me? I should have known, of course. I’m very desirable.

  “Fortunately, I was able to detect the signs that I had been poisoned with a variety of potions. I decided to play along, let Pravus think he was succeeding. The school was thrown into disrepair, customers fled, things seemed dire indeed. But rest assured, I had everything under control.

  “I alerted Professor Vodum to evacuate the cemetery when I suspected that would be a target. Dr. Frankenhammer managed to place dummy minions in his lab before the carnivorous cockroaches attacked. The building was never in any danger from the explosive minions. I was keeping an eye on them over the top of my easel. All part of my ruse.”

  I blinked and shook my head. Clearly, none of that was true.

  “I staged my little suicide attempt in order to clear the way for our saboteur to plant her bombs, intending to catch her in the act. The bombs were defused, except for the Column of On-Time Delivery, which I was planning to get rid of anyway, so no harm done. I’ve wanted to replace it for some time now. Maybe ‘Diligence’ or ‘Dependable’ or ‘Dauntless.’ ”

  “ ‘Dingbat,’ ” Pismo whispered in my ear from behind. “Or ‘Disposable.’ ”

  “In addition,” Dr. Critchlore continued, “my little ruse allowed us to stage some espionage of our own. Thinking we were crumbling under his attacks, Pravus sent his top spy here to steal our best scientist. Dr. Frankenhammer, on my direction, gave the man a sample of my latest idea, the Minion Saboteur—a minion that pops open in an enemy’s lair and hatches a swarm of acid-spewing worms. An excellent job of following directions, Dr. Frankenhammer.”

  Dr. Frankenhammer remained ramrod-straight and didn’t acknowledge the applause.

  “Once again, I assure you all, the school is well and will soon be back on top. But I did want to mention some changes that we’ve implemented. Although I can’t recall deciding on this, it appears I have ordered Jake to enhance our collection of creatures. This afternoon he is expecting a shipment of unicorn foals.”

  The girl minions went wild with happiness. “Baby unicorns!” they screeched. Dr. Critchlore looked surprised at the reaction, but then he smiled. “Well, that’s all right, then.”

  I felt Syke glaring at me, and when I turned she mouthed, “You?” and I nodded. She must have heard me whispering in Dr. Critchlore’s ear when we’d gotten to the boat. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. I could hear her voice in my head, saying, Higgins, you idiot. I held out my hand in the “stop” position and mouthed, “Wait.”

  Dr. Critchlore went on. “And I’m happy to announce, with our honored guests sitting in attendance next to my beloved ward, Syke, that we are breaking ground on our forest expansion project. With input from both Syke and Tootles. And her relatives, if they wish to participate. Of course,” he added, “if I do indeed become cursed with sudden oak death, as has been threatened, then the deal’s off.”

  Syke smiled at me. “Thanks,” she mouthed.

  “Finally, I have selected the five students who will continue in our Junior Henchman Training Program, and I will announce them now: Rufus Spaniel, Janet Desmarais, Frieda Knockslammer, Jud Shepherd, and Runt Higgins.”

  I couldn’t believe it.

  Me? How? I’d been DQ’d from every test. I felt pats on my back, but I couldn’t move. I was shocked.

  What just happened?

  A reception followed Dr. Critchlore’s speech. Tables surrounded the fountain in the courtyard in front of the castle. I went over to my friends, who were standing in the buffet line. They smiled at me.

  “How could I have passed the junior henchman test?” I asked.

  “Well,” Darthin said. “The first test was ‘Save the Master,’ which you did. The second test was ‘Steal the Secret Formula,’ and you saved the secret formula, by saving the Top Secret Book of Minions. And you’ll never guess what the third test was.”

  “What?”

  “ ‘Defuse the Bomb,’ ” he said. “Which you did.”

/>   “No,” I said. “You did.”

  “Under your direction,” he said. “That’s very henchman-y, don’t you think?”

  Maybe. I smiled.

  Dr. Frankenhammer approached us and pulled me aside. “Congratulations, Mr. Higginssss.”

  “Thank you.”

  He pulled me away from my friends, toward the cypress trees that lined the road to the front gate. “You have learned an important henchman lesson, I think.”

  “What?”

  “A henchman is rewarded handsomely for letting his boss take credit for his work. You and I both know that it was your quick thinking and decisive action that saved the school. And now you’re a junior henchman. A position that suitsss you, I think.”

  “But he took credit for your work too.”

  “So he did.” Dr. Frankenhammer stopped walking and pulled a thin whistle from his pocket. He blew into it, but I didn’t hear anything. As he put on a pair of leather gloves, a sleek little red dragon swooped in and landed in front of us.

  “Is that a new dragon?” I asked.

  “Indeed. Like I said, a henchman is rewarded handsomely for letting his boss take credit for his work.” He ran an appreciative hand down the dragon’s flank, smiling. “Come along, Frankie!” he yelled. “Let’s go for a ride, son.”

  Frankie ran over, wearing a smile as wide as his creator’s.

  I knew I should be feeling bad, because I wasn’t a werewolf and I was cursed, but I just couldn’t help smiling at my incredible, big, happy family. Cook and Pierre were serving the buffet, Cook trying to heap more food on Uncle Ludwig’s plate. Darthin, Eloni, and Boris were waving me over to join them in line. Tootles and Riga were happily talking to Syke’s tree nymph relatives. Mistress Moira was passing out chocolates. I caught her eye, and she winked at me. The zombies swayed under the oak tree. I didn’t have to hear them to know they were saying, “Higginsbrains.” Pismo, standing with the skeletons, nodded at me with a smile, and I nodded back. He was going to be a good friend, I just knew it.