Empty Without You
Page 15
I’m feeling pretty “red” tonight. Contact with relief clients makes me that way. And I’ve had a lot of it these last two days. God damn it, none of us ought to be wearing velvet dinner gowns these days. Not when, as the chief attendance officer in the Baltimore public schools said today, 4,000 Baltimore children couldn’t go to school in September because they didn’t have clothes. As she was saying that, the thought of you in a blue velvet dinner gown—even though you are my friend and I love you—irritated me profoundly. Sometimes I get so sick of this whole damned mess!
I must go to work on my notes. Darling—in a blue velvet dinner gown or out of it—I love you.
H
Eleanor and Lorena had planned to celebrate the beginning of the Christmas season with an evening in New York City—dinner, then the symphony. But as this letter shows, when the ailing Louis Howe asked the first lady to spend that same evening with him, she could not refuse.
[November 3, a.m.]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Darling, Of course I want you Dec. 13th but Louis wants to be there if he feels well enough & if so I think I’ll have to devote my evening to him. You & I can have an hour alone & then we can all dine to-gether but if Louis is here he will want to come back [to the Roosevelt townhouse] & talk [after the concert] & I think you’d better stay the night at the apartment.19 Can you go down to Washington with me on the Wed. midnight or must you go back & work before you come in Thursday? The concert is at 8:45 & we’ll dine at 7:30.
My dear, I know you will be disappointed & I am distressed but Louis seems so miserable I would feel horrible to tell him I couldn’t look after him that evening. You know I’d rather be with you & carefree & dear I love you deeply & tenderly!
A world of love,
E.R.
[November 3, p.m.]
Val-Kill Cottage
Hick dearest, Here we are & the country looks nice! The morning was spent at the dentist, then a Women’s Trade Union League meeting at the house with photographs & the reporters to play up their concert & then Nan & Tommy & I had crackers & milk. I came over to the cottage & have cleaned up lots of odds & ends.
I must go back to dress for dinner in a few minutes—but wanted to get this off to tell you I think I’ll get in about 4:3020 & we could have tea at five if you’d pick me up at the house & then walk to the apartment & I can stay till 6 or we can stay in my room [at the Roosevelt townhouse] & shut & lock the door for a quiet hour.
Your letter has just come. Darling, if we all stopped wearing velvet dresses there would be worse times than there are, if you have money you must spend it now, so I don’t feel as guilty as you do, of course if you could give it all where it would do the most good that would be grand but we can’t always do that!
A world of love dear,
E.R.
The first paragraph of this letter, which Eleanor wrote during the Thanksgiving holiday, indicates that Lorena was still agitated—this time feeling inadequate professionally. Eleanor’s comments suggest that she was becoming frustrated with Hick’s recurring emotional upheavals.
November 22d
Georgia Warm Springs Foundation
Hick darling, If only it could be proved to you that as a reporter & holding successfully the job you do you had earned recognition & that knowing me had nothing to do with it, you would get some satisfaction out of your well deserved recognition but as it is you can’t. I doubt if anyone can ever make up to you for having saddled you with such a burden, oh! well, there is nothing I can do about it!
It is gray—rained hard all night so I didn’t ride but we swam & then Nan & Tommy & I lunched with F.D.R. & have now left him to talk & come down to work ourselves. At three I am going to have a hair wash & manicure & if it clears I may ride at 4:30 but it still looks gray so I probably won’t!
The mail must go. A world of love,
E.R.
After the disaster that resulted from Lorena trying to stay at the White House for Christmas a year earlier, Eleanor had suggested that it might be best if Lorena spent Christmas Day in New York City and then came to Washington the next day, after most of the public activities had ended.
Xmas Eve
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Hick darling, This may greet you to-morrow evening when you return a bit weary from a long day so I want it to tell you that I love you dearly & am deeply grateful every day for your love & friendship. I get more than I give on every side I know.
This has been a busy day. 9:45 Fox Theatre, returned saw everyone, dressed Xmas tree, 12 Executive Office Building, 2:30 Salvation Army, 3:30 house staff & all the others, 5 municipal tree lighting ceremonies, then did up things for Xmas dinner & now I am dressing with interruptions to hang up the chicks[’] stockings & write this! After dinner carols then fill stockings & Tommy’s going with me at 11:30 to St. Thomas’21 for the service & then I’m going in with her for a minute—to take her her presents!
I’ll be talking to you in the morning, till then Bless you & all my love,
E.R.
Xmas night
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Hick darling, Even tho’ I know you may come home to-morrow22 I want to tell you how I loved your presents all by myself after I got home from midnight service & a visit with Tommy last night! It was X-mas so I opened them when I could do it leisurely & enjoy them & above all I loved the notes. Your telegram to-day was grand too & dear one I do hope the worst is over for you & many happy days are in store this coming year for us to-gether.
My travelling cases & hankies are going to be in constant use & the wool undies are so soft I think I will like them for riding. You knew I had a weakness for little brown pots & for honey! I can hardly wait to get the dress to suit the buckle or to share the poems with Sisty—& the dog with a sponge & my beast of burden for the menagerie are going to delight me, also the head band when I get to know how to put it on! You were fearfully extravagant but I enjoyed your extravagance too much to scold you! A thousand, thousand thanks.
It has been a happy day for everyone I think & I think it worked out well for Anna & John too. Dinner went well for them & everyone seemed to enjoy it.
A world of love & gratitude for you & your love,
E.R.
I’m calling in the a.m. to find out when you leave.
Six
1935
“Life’s Rough Seas”
Although Eleanor and Lorena continued to write lovingly and supportively to each other during the new year, on more than one occasion their letters revealed that the first friend was not happy with the first lady’s decision to reduce the intensity of their relationship. Numerous times during this year of transition, letters from Lorena included either verbal attacks on Eleanor or references to instances when Hick had behaved rudely. Sometimes the first lady allowed the comments or actions to pass; other times she fired back—saying she wanted to shake Lorena, chastising Lorena for overreacting, refusing to accept anything short of a full apology for a hurtful comment. As the fireworks in the letters attest, this was a year during which, as Eleanor wrote in her valentine, they were definitely navigating over “life’s rough seas.”
ER’s letters also revealed that the first lady and the president were traveling over waters that were sometimes other than tranquil—even to the point that Eleanor considered leaving him.
As 1935 began, Lorena was living in Washington while Harry Hopkins decided where he wanted her to travel next. After ten days, Lorena became so restless and irritable staying at the White House with nothing to do—the first lady was busier than ever with her various duties and commitments—that she went to New York City.
[January 20]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Hick dearest, I am so sorry you had such a bad time, things always are serious with you & I ought to know it. Well, I hope you are better today.
I walked around the Tidal Basin
1 this a.m., had several people to lunch & then the colored group from Charleston sang spirituals. I wish you could have heard them, it was lovely & they looked charming.
Hick darling, I want you too but you would be more unhappy, as you were, hanging round here while I went thro’ this deadly round. At least in N.Y. you’ve got people you like & a city you enjoy.
I love you dear one[,] late this evening I will telephone,
E.R.
After a month of waiting idly to return to work, Lorena became depressed; she had too much time to lament the course that her life had taken. Her complaints to Eleanor prompted the intriguing—and perplexing—statement in the first paragraph of this letter.
[February 1]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Hick dearest, Of course you should have had a husband & children & it would have made you happy if you loved him & in any case it would have satisfied certain cravings & given you someone on whom to lavish the love & devotion you have to keep down all the time. Yours is a rich nature with so much to give that the outlets always seem meager. Dear one, I do love you & appreciate the fight you make not to make me unhappy, but there is no use trying to hide things from me because I know just how you feel!
Took Louis Howe [for a drive],2 worked a bit till had Mrs. Woodrow Wilson3 to tea with the family. Swam with F.D.R., rested an hour & [had] just the household for dinner.
Haven’t had a minute to read as I must get these [syndicate] articles & sample broadcasts done.4 When I get them in shape I’ll send them to you. I really am trying to do better work but it is hard to find the time.5
Earl [Miller] has a new girl he thinks he is or may be in love with, but he is a skeptic on anything lasting & his state of mind & his letters are reminiscent of others I have known!6 What a nuisance hearts are & yet without them life would hardly be worthwhile!
Well, I’ve talked & knitted all evening so now I must get to work on the mail. A world of love & I wish I could put my arms around you,
E.R.
The valentine that Eleanor sent Lorena showed a black and white puppy holding a small heart that read “To My Valentine.” The following verse that the first lady hand wrote on the back of the card ended with a phrase reflecting the troubled nature of their relationship at the time.
[February 12]
May the world be full of sunshine,
And our meetings frequent be
Hours of joy & quiet time,
Take us over life’s rough seas.
Lorena had announced that she was coming to Washington without first consulting with Eleanor. Because of her busy schedule, Eleanor couldn’t spend as much time alone with the first friend as Hick wanted. Lorena exploded—expressing her anger through what the first lady considered rude behavior.
[February 20]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Dearest, I think you can scarcely realize how you made me feel to-night. I did not ask you to dine to be rude & yet you made me feel that I had been. You went right by me at the studio [where Eleanor was doing a radio broadcast] without speaking. You told me you would entertain yourself in Washington before I had time to tell you whether I was busy or not, you barely spoke to Earl [Miller] & Jane [Earl’s companion] at the play who were my guests & certainly did nothing rude to you & when I asked you to go in so you could sit by me[,] you deliberately changed & sat as far away as possible. I am sorry if I’ve done something to offend [you] but I’m so deeply hurt to-night that I almost wish I had no friends. Acquaintances at least preserve the social amenities & make life pleasant on the surface. I was happy to be seeing you but evidently you were not. For Sat. & Sun.7 at least let’s try to be cheerful & polite & not make everyone around us uncomfortable!
E.R.
In April, Harry Hopkins sent Lorena to Michigan to assess the relief programs and the political climate in that pivotal state with its combination of industrial and agricultural bases. Meanwhile, Eleanor’s frustrations with her friend were temporarily superseded by her outright rage with members of the first family.
[April 27]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Hick darling, I’ve had a most disturbing day, my day began badly last night when James told me that after I’d told Mama it would not break my heart if Franklin were not reelected & I left [the room], she turned to him & said “Do you think Mother will do anything to defeat Father? Is that why she stays in politics, just to hurt his chances of reelection?” Now I ask you, after all these years?
Then he told me that Fjr. said if we didn’t make any more effort to understand him he thought he would just leave college & so would I make a little effort! This a.m. comes a letter from Fjr., he will row at Annapolis the 25th & come home afterwards. This last is the most disconcerting for that is our week end on Long Island,8 could you delay a week & go the next week end? I hate it because I miss you & want to see you but I ought to be here the 25th & see Fjr. row. Let me know what you can manage & please don’t be upset.
I love you dearly & very tenderly,
E.R.
By the following letter, the first lady had become furious with her husband’s insensitivity toward their oldest son. James, eager to please and be close to his father, had arranged to sell his insurance business in New York and move to Washington to work as his father’s personal aide. Franklin originally had approved the plan. But when newspapers accused him of nepotism, the president changed his mind. Eleanor agreed that James should not be given the job, but when her husband lied to both her and their son about the real reason behind his change of heart, her anger rose dangerously close to the breaking point.
[April 28]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Dear one, I’m ready to chew everyone’s head off! Franklin calmly tells me that the doctors think the heat will be bad here [this summer] for James9 so he is only having him down for visits till autumn. James[,] looking upset & bewildered[,] meets me outside & says his health has nothing to do with it[,] but he thinks F.D.R. is afraid if he gives up his work it will bring more newspaper stories so [James] having [already] spent $1000 on legally getting out of [his] business has been told by Pa to buy his business back. He’s going back to N.Y. to-morrow etc. He’s hurt & I am so mad with F.D.R.!
I’m so on edge it is all I can do to hold myself to-gether just now,
E.R.
Eleanor was so angry at the president that Lorena feared that the first lady was on the verge of divorcing him. In the beginning of this letter, Eleanor confides that she had, in fact, considered making an “open break” from her husband.
[May 2]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Hick darling, I’m sorry I worried you so much. I know I’ve got to stick. I know I’ll never make an open break & I never tell F.D.R. how I feel. He still thinks I accepted & believed his story [that the doctors advised against James moving to Washington for health reasons] & he has probably persuaded himself by now that that was his real reason. I blow off to you but never to F.! Of course it is better for James not to be here & I knew that from the start[,] but it was done in a way which hurt him because he wanted to come & I hate to see so sweet a person hurt. However dear one, I am quite in hand again so don’t worry & I love you very much.10
Darling I do take happiness in many ways & I’m never likely to fight with F. I always “shut up.”
The many teas are making my feet ache so I’ll be glad of a letup on Sat. & Sunday!
Dearest I’m only unhappy [in] spots & heaven knows, most people are! I’m not a bit sorry for myself there are plenty of people [who] would enjoy what I dislike & discipline is good for us all so while I like you to be sympathetic & grieve over me, don’t let it really worry you for I get over it quickly & I don’t suffer the way you would.
You do a lot always for me dearest one, & your understanding & sweetness is a help even tho’ I may not deserve it. Ever so much love,
E.R.
By the following letter, Eleanor’s focus had shifted back to her troubled relationship with Hick. In this letter, she asserts that she would never allow another scene of public humiliation like the one that had erupted at Yosemite the previous summer. The first lady felt so strongly about the importance of maintaining her poise, in fact, that recalling the incident led to one of her rare instances of using profanity.
[May 7]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Dearest, One thing I differ with you on, the thing which counts in the long run is never any one person’s happiness, it is that of the greatest number of people. Remember always that you are damned unimportant! No, dear, we won’t have scenes. I made up my mind to that last time.
Things are going smoothly dear & I am happy but I wish with all my heart that you were also.
I love you & would like to hug you to-night. I suppose you are off to Flint [Michigan], so good luck attend you wherever you are & bless you,
E.R.
In this letter, the first lady describes her philosophy regarding love, while simultaneously trying to explain to Lorena why she had to reduce the intensity of their relationship.
[May 13]
THE WHITE HOUSE
Washington
Dear one, Your wire came this morning to my joy & I found 3 letters here which was also a joy, Wed. Thurs. & Friday & the last has made me think & try to formulate what I believe about happiness. I think it is this way, to most of us happiness comes thro’ the love we give & the return love we feel comes to us from those we love. There does not have to be a balance however, we may love more or less some since there is no measure of love. Over the years the type of love felt on either side may change but if the fundamental love is there, I believe in the end the relationship adjusts to something deep & satisfying to both people. For instance, I know you often have a feeling for me which for one reason or another I may not return in kind but I feel I love you just the same & so often we entirely satisfy each other that I feel there is a fundamental basis on which our relationship stands. I love other people in the same way or differently but each one has their place & one cannot compare them. I do know for myself that if I know someone I love is unhappy I can’t be happy & I would be happier to see or to know they were happy even if it meant giving up my own relationship to them in whole or in part. I’d probably hope to get it back enriched someday but if not, well, I know no one I love I wouldn’t rather see happy & I hope they wouldn’t worry about my hurt because it would be so much less than watching them hurt. I don’t think I’d run away either, unless they wanted me to! I’m always worried tho’ for this means that I am a person of little depth & really don’t know what suffering such as you go thro’ is really like.