My Almost

by Kelsey Cheyenne

  “I can’t do this right now. I have to go.” I stand and make my way to the front door. I’m about to be an even bigger asshole for what I’m about to say, but it has to be said. “Oh, and, um, I need my One Tree Hill DVDs back.”

  There are moments when I regret the words that come out of my mouth. Sad to say, this was not one of those moments. One Tree Hill is my bible. I can’t leave them with him and risk him destroying them out of spite. I’m praying he’s more mature than that, but for a guy who uses his car to overcompensate for his tiny wiener, I can’t be so sure.

  His jaw clicks as he looks down at me. That cleared the tears right up, but now he’s pissed. Whatever. I wait for him to run inside to retrieve my beloved DVDs and he thrusts them into my chest so hard I think it’ll bruise. I won’t be able to tell them apart from the bruises Aiden’s left behind in the form of hickeys anyway, so it’s not a big deal.

  I refrain from hopping down the steps from his porch and settle for scurrying down his driveway to my car. I don’t risk a glance back, but I’m sure he’s watching me go.

  Where does this leave us? He didn’t want to accept the break up, but I made it damn clear where I stand in all of this. He may not want to lose me, but I’m already gone. It’s already come down to him or Aiden and Dan never stood a chance.

  10

  Time-bomb

  Once again when I walk into work I see Aiden, Reid, and Reese. It will be another hell of a night. Thank God Seth keeps scheduling me with these guys.

  “What’s up, Chels?” Reese is always animated, and although he always seems high-spirited, there’s a layer of cynicism and sarcasm underneath, which makes me like him more.

  “Hey.” My greeting is lame, but I don’t care. I continue on to the stockroom so I can put my purse away and grab my nametag. As I’m standing at the computer ready to clock in, the three of them huddle around me. The weird behavior doesn’t even faze me anymore.

  “What’s up, Chels, you seem weird.” I may have a full, figurative hard-on for Aiden these days, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over Reid.

  Knowing full-well my current on-the-down-low fuck-buddy is standing to my right, I reply, being careful and trying to seem casual. “Oh, you know, I just tried to break up with my boyfriend.”

  “Damn, good for you. You deserve better. What was the final straw?” Reid asks. I complain about Dan to everyone. All these guys I work with have become my friends and also my sounding boards.

  I plaster on a smirk and turn to Reid. “He couldn’t get over the fact I’m so into you.” Sometimes it’s fun to make him uncomfortable about my attraction to him since it’s unrequited and he has a girlfriend.

  “Real funny, Chels.” He rolls his eye and walks away. For once I’m thankful customers come in because Reese goes to help them, giving me a moment alone to talk to Aiden.

  “So, you dumped him.” His voice is measured, casual, though his mouth pulls up in an enthusiastic, sexy smirk.

  “Well, I tried to. He didn’t want to hear it.” I roll my eyes and assume it won’t be a big deal to him.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” There’s a hard edge to his tone I wasn’t expecting.

  “It means I told him what happened, and he’d rather be in an open relationship than be dumped.” I lower my voice and scan my surroundings even though no one is within a ten-foot radius of us.

  “Is that what you want?” It’s a loaded question and I notice him eyeing me. How can I tell him, no, you idiot, I only want you! But we haven’t even gotten a running start. I don’t want to scare him away already.

  In an attempt to appear nonchalant, I shrug. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

  “What if I don’t want to share you?” He’s serious, looking at me dead in the eyes. My heart is thumping, obnoxious and loud as it pounds against my ribcage. I’m sure it’s scaring away all the customers with its volume. I’m surprised no one called 9-1-1 yet or shocked me for tachycardia.

  I glance down for a brief moment before dragging my eyes up to meet his gaze once again. I want him to see I mean every single word that’s about to come out of my mouth and sense the gravity of their meaning. “Then I’ll break up with him. For real.” Easy as pie. I want Aiden and only Aiden. No use dragging Dan along for no reason.

  I concoct a plan in mind on how to, end things with my boyfriend once and for all. I spend the half of my shift mulling over possibilities of dumping him while I spend the other half making eyes with Aiden.

  One taste and now we can’t get enough of each other.

  We have to keep things secretive and as of now, nobody has a clue. But if we keep up the flirting all night someone will catch on.

  Even after I leave for the night, Aiden and I keep talking. He’s so sweet and thoughtful. He knows all the right things to say to make me swoon and to make my panties wet.

  God, I’m in trouble.

  ∞ ∞ ∞

  I work with Seth the next morning, but Aiden comes in a few hours into my shift. The store is small with Seth working with us. I worry he can sense the electricity passing between Aiden and I.

  My now-favorite coworker finds a moment to talk to me in private. I thought I’d explode if we didn’t have a moment alone. “Wanna come over tonight? I work until ten, so you can stay over after.” After. As in, after I rock your world and bone your brains out. Count me in.

  “Sounds good. I’ll text you.” Look at me, acting as though my panties aren’t already damp from the prospect of spending the night with him. See, I’m not too young—I can act mature.

  After I finish my shift, the hours that follow waiting for Aiden to get done seem endless. I hang out with Callie to pass the time. Plus, she needs to grill me on everything that’s been going on.

  I walk right into her house without ringing the bell because I’m always here. It’s like my second home. Her family is basically my family. I even have a sibling rivalry going on with Callie’s younger sister, Lindsay.

  My best friend is sitting at her kitchen table with her mom when I walk in. “Finally! Where have you been? Sit and spill and don’t leave out any details.” I laugh and shake my head because the dramatics are so typical of her.

  I say hi to her mom and sit at the other end of the table. They both stare at me and it’s like I’m sitting in an interrogation room, not a kitchen. Also, Callie can’t think I’d tell her all the dirty details in front of her mom. Hell to the no.

  “You seem happier,” Callie’s mom notes. I can’t stop smiling and laughing and it doesn’t go unnoticed. My friend takes the bait and spill my current life situation.

  “She dumped Dan.” Callie scream-sings the admission at the top of her lungs loud enough that Dan himself can probably hear her from his house.

  My allegorical second mom looks at me and smiles. “It’s about time.”

  Her mom gives us privacy to gossip and I think Callie is just as excited for the details as I am to spill them.

  “So was he good? Was he big?” Her leer makes me chuckle and heat spreads upward from my neck.

  “Yes and holy shit yes.” Guys don’t realize that girls tell each other everything. We think guys are bad, but girls are worse.

  I fill her in on everything and the hours pass quicker when I’m with her. Anything is better than sitting at home by myself moping around waiting for my man to get home.

  When I leave Callie’s house it’s late but there’s still one thing I need to take care of before I see Aiden tonight.

  Since my initial failed attempt to breakup with Dan, I realize I need to drill the concept into his thick skull. I call him because giving him the curtesy of breaking up face-to-face didn’t do shit.

  “Hello?” His voice is full of hope.

  “Hi.” I’m not a total heartless wench. It’s not like I’m not looking forward to this conversation. Even though I don’t want to be with him, it’s still an unpleasant conversation to have.

  “Did you change your mind?” I don’t know if h
e’s talking about Aiden or about our entire relationship.

  “No, Dan. It’s over. I’m sorry.” There’s a pause, and I pray deep in my soul he accepts the breakup with class and grace. I’m not so lucky.

  He yells and I’m not even sure what he’s saying. One minute he’s angry and the next minute he’s begging me to stay and telling me he loves me. His heart is breaking, splitting right down the middle with an audible crack. And it makes me feel like shit.

  I’m not sure when the tears started falling, but I can’t stop the torrent now. It’s a mixture of anger, embarrassment, and hurt. I hate knowing he’s crying on the other end. I didn’t think it would be this hard.

  The screaming has ceased and I stop responding. We’re either in the eye of the storm or the sky is about to clear, but I can’t tell which way the wind will blow.

  He clears his throat and my nerves hammer against my skin. “When he breaks your heart, I’ll be here waiting.”

  I sit on the floor of my bedroom and lean my head against the wall. As my shoulders shake from my relentless tears, my head rolls and taps against the wall, but the slight pain is worth it in my mind. I broke a man’s heart callously. I was proud of the fact I cheated on him.

  The weight of my actions leaves me breathless. Even though I claimed he didn’t care about me, I was careless with his heart. He’ll carry this breakup with him and put up a wall to protect himself, at least, that’s what I would do.

  No matter how shitty he was to me in our relationship, he was never violent or volatile. He never screamed at me or hit me or called me names. The bottom line is he didn’t deserve this from me. And I can’t take it back or change it and knowing I caused him unnecessary pain hurts. I’m happy we’re over but I could’ve had more tact.

  Still, I text Aiden the moment I end the call to tell him I ended things. A second later, my phone is vibrating in my hand and his name is on the screen.

  My voice cracks when I answer, clueing him in to my break down. “Are you okay?” He’s stunned. He was expecting a celebration from my end of the call, not this reaction.

  I feel like a fool because I can’t stop crying. Once I start and the floodgates open, the dam breaks, and there’s no plugging it back up. I’m experiencing the loss for what Dan and I could’ve been. I spent eighteen months with the guy and I severed a lot of ties. I made friends with people through him who I now have to say goodbye to. I talked to him every day and now that void is loud and gaping.

  “Yes. I don’t know.” I want to be honest with Aiden, but I don’t want to hurt him too, or give him the wrong idea.

  “Well, if it’s this hard for you, maybe this isn’t what you want.” Those words terrify me and make me cry harder. I can’t catch my breath enough to tell him, no, to convince him I want to be with him. I wouldn’t be going through this if Aiden wasn’t one hundred percent what I want.

  “No, please, God, no. You are what I want. I only want you. I wouldn’t have ended things if that wasn’t the truth.” Now I’m the one begging Aiden. I can’t be alone. This can’t all be for naught. I got a taste of what I want and now I never want to let him go. I need him to understand.

  After a beat, he sighs. I imagine him fiddling with his glasses and thinking, What have I gotten myself into? “Are you sure?” He asks, but he’s giving in and giving me a chance and that’s all I needed.

  “Yes. Completely. I just need tonight to calm down. You don’t need to see me like this.” I try to make a joke, but my voice sounds pathetic. I’m hoping beyond belief he doesn’t give up on me. We’ve only spent a short amount of time together but what we have is incredible and worth giving a real shot.

  “Okay. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Goodnight, Chels.”

  “’Night, Aiden.” My heart sinks as I end the call and I let a few stray tears fall.

  11

  The Moment I Knew

  After my one moment of weakness the other night, I put all my energy and effort into Aiden once again. I’m comfortable enough with him to make myself at home whenever I’m at his apartment. It’s ironic to think we’ve only been seeing each other for a week when we’re so comfortable together. I now understand why people recommend being friends with your boyfriend first.

  Although, I guess he’s still not technically my boyfriend, but I’ve labeled him as such in my head. I’d die before telling him that though.

  In between our hundreds of texts and countless romps in the sack, I’ve begun begging him to come to my graduation party on Sunday. I want him to meet my family and friends. I want to show him off. Look at this hot, hilarious older guy I’m boning! He doesn’t have to overcompensate for a tiny dick!

  More than anything though, I want this thing between us, whatever it is, to feel real. It’s like we’ve been living in our own little world that consists solely of a sex dungeon. Not that I’m complaining, but he’s so great; everyone will love him.

  Aiden, however, continues to refuse. I kind of expected as much—it is a little soon for him to meet the parents, but still. It hurts. I can’t help wondering why he doesn’t want to come. Is it because it’s too soon? Is it because I’m just a fuck-buddy? Is it something else entirely, something totally arbitrary? He won’t tell me.

  The day of the party comes, and he hasn’t responded to any more of my messages from last night or this morning. I’m irritated to say the least and I make a rash decision to fire off one last text.

  I’m coming over. We need to talk.

  I run downstairs and out the sliding door to my backyard. My family is working hard to set up for my party. “I’ll be right back. I have to run an errand.” Like a chicken, I dart out of the house before they can question me. It’s ten in the morning and the party doesn’t start for three more hours, so I’ll be back in plenty of time.

  At every stop sign and red light I hit, I check my phone to see if Aiden responded. He hasn’t. The possibility he’s not home, or he’s not alone doesn’t even cross my mind.

  I park, throwing open my door and not even taking the time to lock my car. I march right into his apartment because the door is never locked.

  A mixture of fury and devastation rock me to my core when I see his place is a wreck. Someone set a beer pong table up in his kitchen. A handful of guys are passed out on the couches in the living room.

  He threw a freaking party last night. That’s why he wasn’t texting me. If he’d just told me, I would’ve left him to it, but he hadn’t even bothered to fucking tell me.

  I should be concerned one of these guys would see me. Or, worse yet, I should be worried there could be a girl in his bed with him. But for reasons I can’t even explain, I trust him, and I don’t think he’d do that to me.

  I climb the stairs, taking two at a time, and open his bedroom door with hesitance. All the fire has slipped out of me and now I’m feeling bad for showing up unannounced. Not that I didn’t warn him, but if he was sleeping, it’s not fair to him.

  To my surprise, he’s awake, and he lifts his head and smirks. “‘We need to talk’?” His eyebrows are raised but his expression amused. Aiden rests his head back down on his pillow and I crawl right into bed with him. Thank God he’s alone.

  I snuggle into the crook of his arm. My cheek rests against his chest hair and my right hand plays with it. He kisses the top of my head and the slight touch is magical, making all my worries vanish. We fit together so perfectly. Everything about us is so natural and comfortable—the ease of our interactions would indicate we’ve been together for years, not days.

  We fell for one another in an instant, as if we’d always been meant to be.

  “Rough night?” My voice is small, timid. I’m deflecting from the real reason I’m here.

  He squeezes my side slightly, comforting me. “Just had a couple of the guys over.”

  I bury my head into his side. I came all this way and now I don’t want to face the reality of this confrontation. “Will you please come today?” I’m not sure if he can even unders
tand me with how my head is angled, though I’m not going to look him in the eye. He doesn’t need to see my desperation—my pleading is enough.

  “Chels…” his voice is strained and as he blows out a heavy breath. I sit up to take him in, forcing him to look me in the eye as he rejects me again. His expression is pinched and I can see he’s torn. There may be hope for me yet.

  “Please?” I’m begging. It’s not my finest moment, but if I can crack his armor, it might be worth it.

  “I can’t.” His voice, still gruff from sleep comes out in a hoarse whisper. He knows this is killing me and I think that, in turn, is killing him.

  “Why not?” The frustration that fueled my drive over is returning.

  “Because I just… can’t.” The finality of his tone renders me speechless. I nod in acceptance, but don’t yet leave.

  Why won’t he come? Wouldn’t a guy who was into me do anything to make me happy? Is he that embarrassed of me? Is it because he fears someone from work might find out? Is he embarrassed of me?

  It’s clear I won’t be able to change his mind, so I cave and lay back with him so he can kiss me. Our kisses lead to more as they always do. I tug my shirt over my head and he halts. Oh, my God he really is ashamed of me.

  After a moment, I notice Aiden staring at my chest. It’s nothing he hasn’t seen before, but it’s more than that. He’s staring at the bruises on each of my breasts—ten total marks where each of his fingertips lie. They’re bruises from the delicious squeezing during hot, rough sex. Bruises that turn me on every single time I take off my shirt, knowing what and, more importantly, who they’re from.

  It’s never been painful or too much for me to bear. I always want more—hotter, rougher sex. Nothing he can do can hurt me when my brain swirls with oxytocin, dopamine, and serotonin.

  “I haven’t been able to wear a tank-top for a week because of you.” My cheeky grin assures him I don’t mind the bruises and in fact, I think they’re hot.