Will the Real Abi Sanders Please Stand Up?

by Sara Hantz

  “Ridiculous,” Dad says, cutting into my thoughts. He presses the remote and turns off the TV. “Forget it, Abi. The whole thing will be a five-minute wonder. Mark my words.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “By tomorrow they’ll be looking for the next story, and you’ll be old news.”

  I hope he’s right, I really do.

  “He’s right,” Mom says. “So try not to worry.”

  The front door bell goes before I have time to answer. “I’ll go,” I say walking out of the kitchen.

  I open the door, and my stomach plummets to the floor and back again. Holy crap.

  “Tilly?” I can’t believe she’s standing at the door smiling at me. “But I was just watching you on TV. How did you get from there to here so quickly?”

  “Magic,” she says, laughing. “We recorded it an hour ago. May I come in? I don’t want to stay outside in case I’m recognized.”

  I scan the street, and all I can see is a cab at the bottom of our drive, which is probably waiting for Tilly. There doesn’t seem to be anyone spying on us. But you never know with the paparazzi; they can be hiding in the most ridiculous places.

  “Yes. Of course. Sorry. I’m just in shock seeing you here.”

  And not just that. Seeing her here smiling and being friendly. It’s got to be the most surreal experience of my life.

  I step to the side and wait for her to come inside and then close the door behind her.

  “Thanks,” she says.

  We stare at each other for a few seconds, not speaking. I’m so ashamed of what I’ve done. To everyone, including Tilly.

  “I’m so sorry about what happened. I got so caught up in Jon’s charm. I didn’t stop to think about what that meant for you,” I say the words falling out of my mouth at ninety miles an hour. “And…”

  “It doesn’t matter,” Tilly says, interrupting me. She rests her hand on my arm. “Jon’s a jerk. He uses people. He used you. He used me. Well, he tried to use me. But I got him back.” A smug expression crosses her face. I don’t think I want to know what she’s done. Although, I won’t be too upset if he pays a little for what he did.

  “Well, I’m still sorry. Thanks for not telling the press my name. I behaved like such an idiot, especially to my friends. I can never forgive myself for that.” I lean against the wall my arms folded across my chest.

  “Thanks for sticking up for me with Jon. Especially since I haven’t always been that nice to you. No one’s ever done that before.” Tilly’s voice is tentative. She’s not as sure of herself as she makes it look. Maybe we’re more similar that I first thought. But more to the point how does she know what I said to Jon?

  “You heard? How?”

  “You went viral. Someone filmed it on their phone, I guess. Check it out, and see Jon’s face when you told him I deserved someone better.” Tilly does an impression of Jon with his eyes and mouth wide open. So funny.

  “I meant it.”

  “Thanks. You know, I’d like to think that we could be friends.”

  I repeat. This is so surreal.

  “Sure. Yes. I’d like that.”

  Liv will be beside herself with excitement when she finds out.

  “I’m sorry for all the times I’ve mocked your stutter. That was really mean of me.”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ve had a lot worse over the years.” I shrug, like it’s not important. In a way it isn’t. The main thing is we’ve moved past it.

  “That’s still no excuse,” Tilly says. She gets a faraway look in her eyes. “Every time I’ve let down my guard, someone sold me out to the media for money. When you turned down the TMZ offer, I couldn’t believe it. You’re the first person I’ve ever seen actually do that.” Then she snaps out of it and focuses hard on my face. “You know, you haven’t stuttered once since I’ve been here.”

  She’s right. I hadn’t even thought about it until this moment.

  “I usually don’t stutter when I’m with friends.”

  “Really?” She smiles, and it reaches up to her eyes and lights up her face. It feels like this is the first time I’ve seen the genuine Tilly.

  “Really.” I say, beaming back her. “You still haven’t said why you’re here.”

  I’m finding it hard to get my mind around this new and improved Tilly. Not that I’m complaining.

  “To meet your mom. And to sample her chocolate muffins. That’s okay, isn’t it?”

  Without further thought, I fling my arms around her and give her a hug. It’s funny how we are exactly the same height and build. I know everyone had always said that, but I didn’t get it until now.

  “Yes. She’d love that.”

  We head for the kitchen. “Mom, I’ve got someone I want you to meet,” I call out.

  Chapter Twenty-three

  “I bet you really hate me, don’t you?” I ask Liv, after explaining everything to her, hardly daring to look her in the eye.

  As soon as Tilly left, I came right over to see Liv. It surprised me that she let me into her house. I thought she’d tell me to go away, but she didn’t. She was prepared to hear me out, even if she wasn’t her usual warm self with me. But I didn’t mind.

  “What I don’t get is that you were happy to hook up with this Jon. Someone else’s boyfriend. That’s not you,” Liv replies, shaking her head.

  “I know,” I say, waving my arms in frustration. “It was like everything I believed in just went out the window. I acted like a jerk, and I’m so sorry. If I could have your party night over again, I wouldn’t let you down. It was just I was with Jon, and I thought he really liked me, and it got later and later, and I got more and more wasted. Anyway, that’s just an excuse, and I don’t want to give you excuses for being a crap friend. The joke’s on me though. He was just using me. Serves me right for trying to take him from Tilly. God, how stupid does that sound, like I could ever do anything like that? I’m such a freakin’ idiot.”

  Liv comes over to where I’m standing in her kitchen and gives me a hug. “No you’re not. Jon is, for treating you like that. And Tilly.”

  “I really thought we had something going, but we didn’t. There wasn’t anything between us. He knew about my feelings for him, and he played with them to make me do what he wanted.”

  “It didn’t work, though. Did it? Not in the end.” She giggles.

  “You should have seen his face when I pulled off the wig. That paparazzo got some great shots of it.” I start to laugh. I’m not sure whether it’s because I’m finding everything funny, or from relief that Liv still wants to be friends. But I don’t care. It feels good, whatever the reason. It hits me that with everything going on, I haven’t laughed like this in a long time.

  “I wish I had,” she says. “Now you and Tilly are friends, too. And that’s sick.”

  “Yes, we are. I’m glad. Though I doubt we’ll see much of each other, since we don’t exactly frequent the same social circles.” I can’t help giggling to myself at the thought of Tilly hanging out with us at Chelsea’s. Or wandering around the mall doing nothing much.

  “It’s still awesome to have someone like her as a friend. Maybe you can introduce us.”

  “Sure. She’ll be in town in a few weeks, and we’ve arranged to meet. She’s flying up here for another audition.”

  Let’s just hope that she keeps herself clean, like she promised. Then she’ll be able to get her career back on track. And she knows she can come and see us anytime. Mom really liked her. If anyone can help get Tilly back on the straight and narrow, it’s Mom.

  “That would be so cool.” Her eyes are bright with anticipation. “Now tell me, what was it like at the premiere? Did you see loads of celebs?”

  Typical of Liv to ask about that, after all I’ve been through. But I don’t mind, I’m happy to answer every single one of her questions. Because hopefully it means she’s forgiven me.

  “At the party I saw quite a few. There was the girl from The Hunger Games. She looked
amazing, and she was with that guy from Bones.” I chew on my bottom lip trying to remember who else was there.

  “Girl. Guy. Come on Abi, give me names.” She places her hands on her hips and tries to look fierce. Except she spoils it by smirking.

  “You know me. I don’t know who they all are. I’m trying to remember, really I am.”

  “See, I always said you were wasted on the movie business.” She shakes her head. “Hey, want to go into town? We could go to Starbucks.”

  “I don’t know. I ought to go home and be with Mom and Dad after everything I’ve put them through.”

  “They won’t mind. Call them. I bet they’re just glad to have the old Abi back.”

  “Yeah, right. The plain old Abi.”

  “That’s the one. Say yes. Go on. We can invite Matt and Rich to come with us and we’ll have a great time.”

  “YES,” I shout, suddenly remembering. “Rich. I want to hear all about him. I can’t believe you hooked up with him.”

  “He’s so cool.” A dreamy look washes over her face, and I burst out laughing.

  “Oh my God. Look at you. I can’t believe how bad you’ve got it. Do I really want to go out with the two of you? I bet you’re all over each other, and I’ll just be in the way.”

  I’m so happy for her.

  “I’ve already said we can ask Matt, too.”

  “Except we’re not like you and Rich. We’re just friends. Not even friends if the last time we saw each other is anything to go by.”

  “I’m sure we can do something about that.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask, frowning.

  “Come on Abi, you and Matt are a couple waiting to happen.”

  If she’d said that to me six months ago, how excited would I have been? I’d have even admitted how I felt to her, instead of trying not to think about it. But that was before I met Jon and realized that my feelings for Matt couldn’t have been what I thought they were. Except now I’m not sure. Because my feelings for Jon definitely weren’t what I thought they were. Which means I was probably right about my feelings for Matt all along. I just got sidetracked by Jon.

  “You’re talking absolute crap. Matt is my friend. Was my friend. He doesn’t think much of me now, he could hardly bring himself to even look at me when took me home last night, let alone talk.”

  “That’s because he’s trying to protect himself from his feelings for you. Because he thinks you don’t feel the same way. Ever since you got the movie gig, he’s been jealous as hell and trying not to show it. But he can’t fool me.”

  My jaw drops. She can’t be serious. Matt has feelings for me? No way.

  “That’s crazy. Matt and I are just friends, and he’s never given the slightest indication that he thinks of me in any other way.”

  I’d have noticed if he did, that’s for sure.

  “So, if he asked you out, you’d say no?”

  “He won’t ask me, so that’s a pointless question.”

  “Yes, but if he did. Would you go?”

  “I repeat, your question is pointless, especially when you think of what’s just happened between us. I’ve screwed up royally with him. And our friendship is now hanging by a thread.”

  “Well, don’t tell me that you haven’t thought about it. Because I know you have.” She wags her finger under my nose.

  “How?” I exclaim. I can feel myself coloring now at the thought of being so obvious about my feelings. I really thought I had everything under wraps.

  “It wasn’t hard to work out. The way you stared at him when you thought no one was looking. The way you’d sometimes go red when he entered the room. And look how jealous you would get when he went out with all those other girls.”

  “I did not get jealous,” I say emphatically.

  Which is a total lie. I hated it when Matt saw other girls. Not that they were ever serious. But it didn’t matter. I hated it anyway.

  “Hmmm. This is me you’re talking to.”

  She’s right. I can’t hide anything from her; she knows me too well.

  “Liv, will you stop it? Matt isn’t going to ask me out, even if I do want him to. I’ll admit now that at one time I did want to. I used to imagine us going out together.” I pause for a moment. “And, more to the point, if you knew this, then why didn’t you say anything?”

  She’s my friend. We share everything. Almost. It makes no sense for her not to ask me about it.

  “I don’t know,” a guilty expression crosses her face. “I guess I didn’t want to change anything. I love it just being the three of us. I thought if I pushed the two of you together I’d be left out. Sorry.”

  “Don’t say sorry. It’s not your fault. I was the same about not wanting to change anything. I worried that Matt didn’t feel the same, so if he somehow found out my feelings, then everything would end. Then I had this thing for Jon and thought that I’d gotten over Matt.”

  “And have you?”

  “No. If anything, I think more of him. When I compare him to that idiot Jon, there is no comparison. But I’m afraid. He cuts and runs when things get too serious with one of his girlfriends.”

  She flashes me a knowing smile. “You have no idea, do you?”

  I blink stupidly at her. “What?”

  “Well, maybe you should ask him about that,” Liv says, arching a brow.

  Suddenly, it hits me. She’s right. I have to find out myself if there’s a chance for us.

  “I will.”

  …

  “And a cinnamon donut, please,” I say to Liv as she heads to the counter with Rich, leaving me sitting at the table alone with Matt.

  Although the way my stomach’s churning there’s no way on earth that I’m going to take a single bite. I’ve done nothing since we arranged to meet the guys except think about what I’m going to say to Matt. And I still haven’t decided.

  Judging by the long line, we could be alone for quite a while, which means now is my chance. First of all, I want to sort out us being friends. Then, if he’s okay with that, I think I’ll take it one step further. At least, that’s the plan. If I have the courage. If only he wasn’t sitting there looking so distant.

  I bite on my bottom lip. Looks like it’s now or never. And I feel totally sick inside. What if he won’t forgive me? I know Liv has, but it doesn’t automatically mean that Matt will. It will kill me if he doesn’t, if I’ve ruined our friendship forever.

  “I’m sorry for everything that’s happened recently.”

  “Whatever.” He shrugs.

  He’s not making it easy for me. Then again, why should he? I don’t deserve him to just roll over and act like everything is cool. Because I know it isn’t.

  “I shouldn’t have put the movie crowd before you and Liv. If you don’t want to be friends with me anymore, I understand.”

  Understand, yes. Forgive myself, no.

  “Forget it,” he drawls, a hint of a smile playing about his lovely mouth. “I’m glad to have the real Abi back.”

  I swallow hard. I know I didn’t say anything to Liv when she said the same thing, but I should have. Because this real Abi that they keep talking about isn’t me anymore.

  “You know, I’m not the same as I was before. Not counting the way I dropped you and Liv and what happened with Jon, the movie experience has been really good. I’m different now. I don’t have to rely on you and Liv, or Mom and Dad to fight my battles for me. I can stand up for myself. Do things I wouldn’t have done before.”

  It’s funny that it took Liv and Matt talking about the real Abi for me to realize just how much I’ve changed. I have to say it feels good. Really good. So maybe I should thank Jon for what he did.

  “Like that roundhouse kick of yours that went viral?” He smiles. “I know that. And I’m happy for you. It’s cool you can do things for yourself now. But what I’m glad to have back is the Abi who isn’t selfish and who supports her friends. Who’s there for us. I’m sorry if in the past we tried to take over, but it w
as only because we love you.”

  The gravelly way he says “love you” makes my heart do a flip, which happens again when he gives me a long, lazy smile. Without thinking, I gaze into his green-and-gold eyes, then, realizing what I’m doing, shake myself out of it. There’s still a part of me that doesn’t want to reveal how I feel, how I’ve always felt, how I’m afraid of changing us for the worse.

  “Don’t apologize,” I finally manage. “I let you and Liv decide what I do. I’m happy that we’re talking again. I hated when we weren’t.”

  “Me too,” he says so sweetly that my feelings for him come crashing to the surface.

  This is insane. I know I decided to tell him, but do I really want to risk everything? Then again, I can’t stop thinking about what Liv said about him liking me as more than a friend. And when I tried to fool him into thinking I was Tilly, he could see right through the disguise. He said he’d always know me. That must mean something.

  “So everything’s good between us then?” I ask, trying to sound casual despite the thumping of my heart against my ribcage. “Because there’s something I want to ask you.”

  “Sure.” His eyes lock with mine.

  A flush creeps up my cheeks, and there’s nothing I can do to hide it.

  “You know when you said you could recognize me, no matter how much crap I had on my face? What did you mean by that?”

  He stares intently into my eyes. It’s like the whole coffee shop falls away, and it’s just the two of us floating in a hazy mist. “Exactly that. You can dress up and pretend to be someone else, but you’ll never be able to hide who you are from me. Because you shine through everything. Forget the glitz and glamour. Just be yourself. No one can compete with that.”

  I try to catch my breath. That’s the most eloquent I’ve ever heard him. And judging by the embarrassed expression on his face, he’s not likely to repeat it.

  “Thanks. That’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.” And then I know that now is the right time to ask. “There’s something else,” I say, beads of sweat forming on my forehead.