Tug

by KJ Bell

  Tug takes a few steps backward, raking his hands through his hair.

  “Wait!” Tori shouts, and looks at me. “Is your name Maria or Monica?”

  My mouth is dry, and I try to swallow. My lips barely open as I answer her. “Monica is a stage name.”

  Tori marches toward Tug, anger blistering her features. “Get out of here, and don’t show up at my wedding.”

  “You had a right to know.”

  “Know what, Tug? That Brady used to be fucked up? I know. He told me about her. How he used to talk to her to vent, how he helped her financially, and how awful he felt when he left me and nearly fucked her.”

  “No.” Tug turns to me. “You said …”

  I cut him off, ignoring the tears spewing from my eyes. “I said he came looking for more. I never said it happened. He left before it got that far, and I haven’t seen him since.”

  “Fuck!”

  “You used me!” I scream at him.

  His indignant laugh is like a knife through my heart, but it’s nothing compared to the pain that comes with his next sentence.

  “That’s rich. You’re a hooker.”

  He storms out of the room and I fall to the floor, crying hysterically. I realize I’m responsible for ruining Tori’s day, a day that should be the happiest of her life.

  I peer up at her through my hair. “I’m so sorry. I had no idea who he was.”

  Liv bends over and grabs my arm. “Get up off the floor, sweetheart. You don’t have to be sorry. Tug is an asshole.”

  “I don’t blame you,” Tori says softly.

  I brush my tears away with the back of my hand. “He told me his name was Ryan, and …”

  “Oh, dear,” Liv says, and shoots a look over my shoulder at Tori. “She likes him.”

  “I did,” I admit. “But I was foolish. I thought he liked me. A guy like that would never actually fall for me.”

  Tori and Liv swap glances. Tori puts her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t be so quick to judge. Tug isn’t who he seems.”

  I stand without responding. “I’m going to catch a cab to the border. Again, I’m sorry this happened. I wish you the best.”

  When I reach the door, I hear Liv say, “Nonsense. You’re not taking a cab. The wedding doesn’t start for a couple of hours. I’ll drive you.”

  “Oh, no. I couldn’t ask you to do that.”

  She shoves a hand on her hip and replies, “You’re not asking. Come on.”

  I smile. Liv is spunky, and I could see us being friends — if we’d met in another life, of course. Girls like Liv don’t have hooker friends. She loops her arm through mine, and I’m at a loss for how nice she is. Once we’re on the highway, she asks, “Are you going to be okay?”

  I nod. “I’ll be fine. Thank you for being so kind to me.”

  “You didn’t do anything wrong.” Her forehead wrinkles. “Tug’s been through a lot.”

  I keep my voice calm, but on the inside I’m fuming mad. “It doesn’t make it right.”

  “No, but I thought you should know. My brother used to be a loving free spirit. He’s hilarious and usually the life of any party.”

  Curiosity gets me. “What happened?” Then I remember the papers, the headlines about Brady’s mother’s suicide, Liv and Tug’s mother. “Your mom?”

  She nods, her expression somber. “We saw it happen. It changed all of us.”

  I don’t really know what to say. “I’m sorry.”

  “Even after that, though, Tug was okay.”

  I probe, though I know the answer. “Tori?”

  Liv sighs. “Tug’s had a crush on her since we were kids. When she chose Brady, he took it hard, but accepted it. It’s a long story, but Brady and Tori lost a baby. To make the situation worse, a girl from Brady’s past showed up shortly after with Drew. Tori was really depressed and left Brady for a long time. Tug found her, and they slept together. Tori ended up pregnant again.”

  “Tug thought it was his?” I ask, assuming that’s what must have happened.

  “Yep, but it’s Brady’s. Tori and Brady got back together, and Tug hasn’t been the same since.”

  That explains his anger about not using a condom. I’m still pissed that he played me the way he did, though I’m also annoyed with myself for being stupid.

  “We all go through shit. I have, but I would never be cruel to others because of it.”

  “True,” Liv agrees, “but we all handle our shit in a different way.”

  Liv has a point. I can’t say I know where my head would be if I’d watched my mother blow her brains out.

  “None of this matters anyway. He doesn’t want me.”

  “I only told you because I don’t want you to feel badly about yourself. Tug is in a shitty place, and his actions today have nothing to do with you.”

  Little does Liv know my feeling bad about myself started long before Tug. We reach the border, and I instruct Liv to pull into a U. S. parking lot so I can cross the border over the foot bridge.

  “Are you sure?” she asks. “I don’t mind driving you.”

  “It’s fine. Returning traffic can be backed up for hours. You have a wedding to attend. Thank you for the ride and the talk.”

  I walk away from her car and don’t look back. I want to forget last night and today ever happened.

  I want to forget I ever met Tug Hunter.

  Today my brother is marrying my best friend, and I’m sitting in the hotel bar, licking my wounds and drowning my anger with alcohol. Next to sex, booze is the best escape from reality. What in the hell was I thinking? I actually like Maria, and I’ve ruined any chance I had with her. My relationship with Tori and my brother is unrepairable, and my sister may never speak to me again. I glance up at the sky and say, “Thanks, Ma! Could you have fucked me up any more?”

  “Cussing her out won’t help.”

  Brady’s voice fills my ears as he enters the bar. I toss back another shot and shrug. He takes the stool next to me and clasps a hand on my shoulder.

  “Hey, enough booze. My best man can’t be drunk for my wedding.”

  “Didn’t you hear? I’m banned from your wedding,” I say, and toss back another shot.

  He pushes the glass away from me and hands the bartender the bottle.

  “Yeah, I heard.” I turn my head toward him, and he laughs. “You’re a dick. Let’s call it even and move on.”

  “You’re not pissed?” I ask, swaying slightly in the seat.

  “Oh, I’m pissed, really pissed,” he says, even though he smiles, “but I’m done fighting with you, little brother. I want peace.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

  He shifts, straddling the stool so he’s facing me. “You were thinking you’d try one last-ditch effort to get Tori back.”

  I realize I had more vested in today than getting Tori back, and I feel like a heel for it. “I don’t think that’s it. I wanted to get back at her, make her feel my pain, make her suffer a little for not choosing me.”

  His head cocks to the side. “That’s so wrong, but I get it.”

  I close my eyes and rub them. It makes me dizzy, so I stop and open them to a sea of blurred liquor bottles in front of me. They eventually come into focus and I say, “It isn’t half as bad as what I did to Maria.”

  “You’re right about that.” Brady’s dry humor makes me smile.

  “I suck.”

  Brady nods without disputing my verbal self-bashing. “Maria’s a nice girl, and she’s had it rough.”

  “What do you know?”

  “I’m not telling. It’s her story, but you’re the last thing she needs in her life.”

  “And you’re right about that.” I get up from the stool and toss some cash on the bar. “I’m sorry I tried to ruin your wedding.”

  He laughs. “I figured it was coming.”

  “You’re doing wonders for my confidence today, bro.”

  Brady stands and throws his arm around neck. �
�I want my family together, you included. I don’t want Mom to win.”

  “I hear ya. I’ll try harder.”

  “Good, because when I’m on the road, Drew is going to need a man around.”

  My stomach sinks, but my heart swells.

  “You can count on me for that.”

  The tuxes Tori picked out are awful, but they’re aren’t nearly as atrocious as the matching bubblegum-pink bow tie and cummerbund. If I had to guess, the color choice is a result of a battle Tori refused to fight with my sister.

  I anxiously knock on the dressing room door. Tori opens it. I expect her to deliver a hard and well-deserved slap. Instead, she smiles and opens the door.

  “Hey,” she says shyly, her eyes smiling.

  “Hey.”

  “What you did was cruel.”

  I frown and step inside the room. “I know. I’m sorry. I wanted to hurt you.”

  “I know you did. I probably deserve it, but I wasn’t talking about what you did to me. That girl likes you, and I’m certain she thought you liked her, too.”

  I blow out a long breath. “I do like her.”

  “I’ve never known you to be cruel, especially to those you like and care about.”

  “I wasn’t thinking about her.”

  Tori sits on the small couch against the wall. I plop down next to her with my elbows on my knees, my hands knotted together as I try to think of a way to explain to this girl how sorry I am I tried to ruin her wedding day.

  While I struggle with finding the right words, Tori begins. “I never wanted to hurt you, Tug,” she says, her voice so full of sincerity, I believe her. “I love you. I always have, but it’s never been that kind of love. I won’t say what happened between us was a mistake, but it never should have happened.”

  “Let’s not pretend anymore. It was a mistake. I think it’s time we both admitted it.”

  “You’re my best friend, and I would give anything to see you happy.”

  I turn my head to look at her. “And you think Maria can make me happy?”

  “I don’t any have idea, but if you treat everyone around you poorly, you’ll never find out.”

  Maybe it’s the alcohol, but I suddenly can’t keep from smiling. “So, I’m still your best friend?”

  “Forever and evers.” She holds up her pinky, and I hook mine around it.

  “Pinky swear,” we both say.

  “Any chance you’ll reconsider and marry me?” I can’t help but ask the question, since it feels like we’re on our way to being friends again. It’s a game we’ve played since we were kids. I ask her out, and she responds with some smart-mouthed reason she’d rather not.

  “I’d rather drive a safety pin through my boob than marry you. But there is no one I would rather have for a brother.”

  I wrap her up in a tight hug. Her tears wet my cheeks, and I realize how much I’ve missed her. The door opens, and Liv enters the room with Tori’s mother. I release Tori and smile at Mrs. Preston.

  “Tuggy,” she yells, and runs over to me. I stand and hug her. Over her shoulder, my sister gives me a dirty look. I wink at her, and she flips me the bird before turning away, grumbling.

  Once I let go of Mrs. Preston, I go to my sister and drape my arm around her shoulder. Tori and her mom go through a door to another room.

  “I’m not speaking to you,” Liv says firmly, but fails to hide her smile.

  “Yes, you are. You love me.”

  She elbows me, and I kiss her head. “Are you done being an ass?”

  I hold up two fingers. “Scouts’ honor.”

  She rolls her eyes. “I’d believe it, if you were ever a Boy Scout.”

  “Seriously, I won’t cause any trouble. I’m finally going to let her go.”

  “I’m glad to hear that. This messed-up, broken family is all we have.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I love you, Livvy.”

  I yank her in for a long hug. Through all of this, I’ve missed my sister, too. She pulls out of my embrace and wipes under her eyes. “Now get out of here. Thanks to you, I have to redo my makeup.”

  Brady and Jesse stand at the altar. Cyclists and rollerbladers zoom by behind them along the path between the lawn and the beach. Sails from a row of boats add color to the pale blue backdrop. Most of the guests have already visited the beachside bar. They’re double-fisted and in party mode. Fitting for a rock-star wedding where the majority of guests are twenty-somethings.

  I greet people, many of whom I don’t know, as I make my way to the altar. I shake hands with Gabe and say hello to his little boy, Lance. Brady smiles, and everyone turns toward the hotel. When I spin around, I see Tori standing outside the back of the hotel, and I can’t breathe. She’s absolutely glowing in white, her beautiful face hidden behind the sheer veil. The modest dress is sleeveless and low in the front, but classy. It hugs all the right places, the parts of her body I’ve seen naked and will never touch again. She’s not marching down the aisle into my arms and promising me her undying love. I breathe in and it’s painful.

  Her father takes his place at her side and my sister and Chad’s girlfriend, Jessica line up in front of her. I frown as I stand next to my brother with Jesse. The Wedding March begins, and as Tori gets closer, I realize their happiness doesn’t have to be my misery. But am I so fucked up that I want it to be?

  As Brady and Tori exchange vows and profess to love each other until death, I listen intently. They were always meant to be together. I interfered and tried to meddle in their relationship in the hope that Tori would choose me. That was my biggest mistake, the decision that steered me off course. One doesn’t have the option of choosing who they fall in love with. The heart decides with a perseverance greater than human strength. The only problem with that is both my and Brady’s hearts chose the same girl, and mine is left with a gaping hole.

  After the ceremony, the guests are ushered upstairs to a reception hall, while the wedding party is held up on the beach for photographs. It hurts a little that our family photographs consist of only Tori’s parents. It isn’t the adulthood I imagined for myself. Of course, when I imagined Tori’s wedding, I was the groom, not the best man. Life never stays on an expected course. It’s the detours that define our character, which is why I’m such a dick. I have a long way back to the metaphorical fork in the road if I want to choose another path. The one I’m on is the fast track to ending up like a lonely old man, yelling at kids to get off my lawn.

  Throughout the reception, a girl we all went to high school with keeps hitting on me. I’ve dodged her most of the afternoon, as the press is all over the hotel. The more I drink, the harder it is to avoid her advances. When I reach a point where I no longer give a shit about the press and my dick wants to be in control, I haul her onto the dance floor. I smack her ass several times and then grip it tight, but when I stare into her eyes, I see another set of eyes looking back at me, and I release her. I leave her on the dance floor, mumbling obscenities at me, and return to my seat. She has my mother’s eyes, and they pierced through me like a warning.

  I hear my mother’s voice in my head as clearly as if she were in front of me. “Impressions, Aidan, are very important.” “How people perceive you will get you far in life.” “Aidan, you must please the public if you want to be successful.” My buzz is gone, as is my libido. My dead mother is going to haunt me to the grave.

  At some point, I’m handed a microphone and told I’m supposed to say a toast. I hadn’t planned a speech, but I stand up and glance around the room at hundreds of watchful eyes. They’re waiting for me to express my happiness at the couple’s marriage. How can I do that when I don’t feel anything more than acceptance for their love?

  My mother’s preaching voice is in my head again, reminding me about appearances. I look through the wall of windows, out into the ocean and the setting sun, the fuchsias and indigos a marvel of nature.

  “Hello, everyone. I want to thank you all for coming. I apologize for the horrendous view
and the sucky weather you all have been subjected to today.” They laugh, which was my goal. Humor is always healing, but as I look at Brady and Tori, I know I owe them more. “Throughout life, people come and go. They change and grow. There are very few people you can depend on. I’m fortunate to have two people in my life who love me unconditionally and who I can always depend on, even when I act like a complete ass.” The room roars with laughter again. I hold my glass in the air. “Tori, Brady, I couldn’t be happier for the two of you, and I wish you a long and wonderful life together. Cheers.”

  I swallow the champagne, along with the painful sting of my words. Tori will never be mine. Accepting that we’ll only ever be friends doesn’t erase the fact it hurts like hell. I’m doomed to live in a dark pit of desolation and pretend my heart isn’t completely hollow.

  Tori pulls on my hand and I drag my feet, following her to the dance floor. I put my arms around her and close my eyes. When I open them, the beautiful smile touching her lips makes me want to flee the reception and disappear from her life forever. It would be easier.

  “Thank you for the toast. It was beautiful.” I stare at her wordlessly and force a smile. “I know this isn’t easy for you.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “I know you want to be fine, and I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Tor.”

  “You made me the happiest woman alive today.”

  “Because I gave up on you?”

  “No, because you came back to me.”

  I pull her close. She rests her head on my shoulder, and the pain I feel slowly dissipates. I could never leave her forever.

  I wake after sleeping in late. Last night after I got home from the wedding, my mind refused to rest. All I could think about was how I need to change the public’s perception of me. Being a rich playboy doesn’t make the board happy, and my career is all I have in my life to fill the days. I need a stable girlfriend and one that makes me look good. A career-minded and sophisticated woman, and I know just who to call. I don’t have to love her or enjoy her company. I only have to tolerate her.