Tug

by KJ Bell

  “What if he hurts you again?”

  “What if he does? It’s a risk I want to take. How many twenty-somethings get their hearts broken, and yet they all survive.”

  “I still want to pound him,” I admit, my anger softening slightly.

  “I know you do, but don’t — for me, please.”

  I pull her into my arms. I don’t want to let her go, because I know when I do I’m giving her permission to leave and be with a guy who will eventually break her heart again. I’ll never convince her to move on and find someone new to love. People have to find their way on their own as I did, and as my family allowed me to do. But it hurts so goddamn much.

  It’s been two weeks since Maria discovered who her father was. Day by day, she grows closer to wanting to learn more about him and meet her brother and sister.

  Liv moved out of the house and into Harrison’s apartment. Maria, Javier, and I have been staying in the house with Tori, although I still have my place in San Diego. Maria and Tori have grown incredibly close. Six months ago, I never would have thought I would be happy without Tori and able to love another woman, let alone that those two women would be friends.

  In my mind, Javier is my son. He’ll never know the ugliness that was his father, or the painful road Maria traveled to bring him into this world. With time, my hope is the struggles of his childhood will fade away for both him and Maria. I love them in a way I never imagined possible.

  Maria reluctantly quit her job at the restaurant. I pressed her so she could be home for Javier and spend more time with him, maybe even finish her schooling, but she felt uncomfortable depending on me. After many arguments, she finally gave up, but only because she realized leaving the restaurant opened up time to help at the Center while Javier is at school. It’s been heartwarming to see the Center bring Maria the same peace it brought all of us.

  Brady came home late last night. He and the band are home for a week, and we’re having a party for them. It will be the first time I’ve seen Harrison since Liv moved out, and I hope I can keep my anger restrained. I get up from the bed, unsure if I should go downstairs. I don’t want to hurt my sister, but every time I see Harrison, I remember him with Del and my temper flares.

  My door opens, and Javier comes into my room, his smile short the two front teeth he’s lost over the last week.

  “Are you coming down, Daddy?” he says, and I nearly cry.

  “Did you call me Daddy?”

  His smiles slips off his face, and he looks away. “I’m sorry,” he says, his voice so sad and timid that I realize I hurt his feelings. “I thought it was okay.”

  I reach down and pick him up. I look right into his big brown eyes. “No, I’m sorry, buddy. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can call me anything you want.”

  He giggles. “What if I want to call you Poop-face?”

  I laugh and tickle him. “Okay, you can’t call me Poop-face.”

  “Good, then I’ll call you Daddy.” He hugs me tight and I set him down, my heart full and tears burning behind my eyes. “Are you coming down?”

  I nod, and follow him out of the room and down the stairs.

  The kitchen is crowded with guests, most of whom I don’t know. I see Maria outside at the table next to Tori, laughing. Her gorgeous smile is contagious and my lips curve watching her. A hand grips my shoulder, and I turn my head.

  “That’s a special girl you got there, little brother.”

  Brady and I shake hands in front of our chests with our elbows bent.

  “Yeah, she is, bro.”

  Brady chuckles, and I’m confused as to what is funny, until he says, “See, Mom didn’t fuck us up too bad after all.”

  “Yeah, it’s Liv I’m worried about.”

  Brady cocks his head. “Something happen?” The battle begins in my thoughts as to whether I should tell him or not. “No more fucking secrets, man. This family’s had enough.”

  “Let’s go out front,” I suggest, to escape the crowd inside. He follows me outside, and we sit on the steps.

  “So, what’s going on with Liv?”

  I sigh, knowing he’s going to lose his shit. Harrison’s met Brady’s fist on several occasions. “A couple of months ago, I went to pick up Javier from the sitter, some girl Maria worked with at the club. When I got there, I busted the girl doing the nasty with Harrison.”

  Brady shoots up from the stairs and straight to the door. “That motherfucker. He’s dead!”

  “Wait, sit down.”

  “No. Fuck that.” His eyebrows shoot up as he shakes his head, anger rolling off of him in waves. “I asked him no less than fifteen minutes ago if he was treating her right, and he looked me in the eye and lied.”

  “He might be treating her okay now. Have a seat.”

  After explaining everything from destroying Harrison’s car to planning Harrison’s murder, I tell him how Liv moved in with him and would like her brothers to respectfully butt out.

  He leans forward on his elbows. “I can’t believe it. He’s always been a bit douchey, but he’s the one guy I would never have expected to cheat.”

  “I was shocked at first, too, but you remember how he was before. He’s always been an arrogant prick. I don’t think much has changed.”

  His head turns toward me. “She’s not going to let us kill him?”

  “Nope, and if we do, she may choose him, and then we’ll lose her.”

  “Fuck, dude. Look at us, all grown up and shit. A few years ago, we’d have rearranged his face and asked questions later.”

  I laugh hard. “I think we’re just pussy-whipped. I’m pretty sure if I interfered, Maria was going to hold out on me.”

  “Ah, that, too,” he agrees.

  We go out back, and Brady and I shoot each other a strange look when we see Liv sitting on Gabe’s lap, giggling. Harrison is down on the beach playing Frisbee with a group of guys. Brady grins and asks, “Stay out of it?”

  I nod. “Completely.”

  Brady goes down to the beach to check on the boys. I take a seat at the table across from Maria, realizing there’s a heated battle of beer pong taking place. There are five people at the table, but only one of them is still sober. Gabe, Liv, Chad, and Jesse are hammered, and Maria looks up from under her lashes and shrugs.

  “Has she had anything to drink?” I ask the table.

  “Nothing,” Gabe slurs.

  “Hey, I had one drink.” Maria grins, holding up a fruity cocktail. “I was thirsty, and if I waited on you all, I’d still be waiting.”

  I love how she fits here perfectly with my family and friends.

  “Walk with me,” I say, glancing across the table to the woman I love. She smiles and gets up immediately.

  We stroll down the private beach hand in hand, kicking sand until the partygoers are tiny spots behind us. When I turn her around to face me and drop to my knees, my palms start to sweat. Her hands fly up and cover her mouth.

  “What are you doing?” she asks, although I’m fairly certain she’s caught on.

  I pull the ring I picked out with Liv’s and Tori’s help from my pocket, and hold it up, the sun sparkling off the princess cut diamond.

  “I was going to wait until tomorrow to ask you because this is Brady’s homecoming and I didn’t want to draw attention from the band, but something happened to change my mind.”

  “What?”

  My heart is heavy as I say the words. “Javier called me daddy.”

  The corners of her mouth turn up, and tears stream down her cheeks. “He did?”

  I nod. “He did, and I want so much to be his daddy, for you to be my wife, and our family to be complete. Will you marry me?”

  She sobs and drops to her knees next to me. “I want to, so much, but I haven’t been entirely truthful with you.”

  The worry in her voice alarms me. “What is it? You can tell me. It won’t change anything between us.”

  “I’m not on the pill,” she says and I hold her cheeks.
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br />   I turn my head, confused, and stare out into the ocean. Then I smile, and a feeling of excitement and nerves overcomes me. I mean, I wasn’t planning on starting a family with her yet, but just because it’s sooner than I wanted, I’m still thrilled.

  “You’re pregnant? That’s great. I want a house full of babies.”

  She releases a string of obscenities in Spanish that I can’t keep up with. I don’t know what I said. Does she not want another child?

  A second later, she’s on her feet, running away from me. Her cries, joining with the wind, travel back to me. I slip the ring on my pinky finger and chase her down the beach, and have to tackle her to the ground to keep her from running. We wrestle half in the sand and half in the water. Sand flies everywhere, scratching my eyes and grinding between my teeth. Her fists pound into my chest as she tries to wiggle free. I grab her wrists and pin them against the sand above her head. I narrowly miss the head butt she attempts to deliver to free herself from me.

  “Stop fighting me!” I finally yell. “What the fuck just happened?”

  “I can never give you a house full of babies. Okay?” She turns her head, pushing her cheek into the dry sand. “I can’t give you even one baby, not a single fucking baby.”

  Tears mix with sand and trail down the side of her face into her hair. I lift myself off her and drag her onto my lap, water covering my legs. When her tears subside, I grip her face between my hands and stare straight into her beautiful brown eyes. Ever since the day I met this girl, we’ve been explosive. I hold back a laugh. Why would my proposal be any different? “Will you marry me?”

  She sniffles and throws her arms around my neck. “Yes. I’ll marry you.”

  I give her a quick peck on the lips and smile. She shifts off my lap and settles next to me, her head on my shoulder. The water laps against our legs as we sit in silence for several minutes.

  “You want to talk about it?” I ask softly.

  She sighs and lifts her head. “Three weeks after Javier was born, Eduardo and his gang had some fun with me. Please don’t make me share the gory details with you, because I can’t, but I spent days in the hospital, and now I’ll never have another baby. That’s it. He stole Javier’s chance to have a brother or sister, so I felt justified stealing two blocks of heroin from him.”

  If I wasn’t positive Eduardo was dead, I’d kill him myself. “You’re so strong.”

  “It never bothered me before, because I never thought someone would love me enough to want a family with me, but knowing I can’t give you a child hurts so much.”

  “Hey, whoa. Don’t let him have any power over you. None. Do you hear me? I love you regardless, and you’ve given me a beautiful son.”

  She smiles, but I hate it’s not the one that brings light from above. “Thank you,” she whispers.

  “This is yours,” I say, removing the engagement ring from my pinky. I slide it effortlessly up her ring finger. The two carat solitaire, set in a thin platinum band appears dramatic, yet when you really look, its presence is delicate. A perfect choice for the breathtaking woman wearing it as a promise to love me forever.

  “It’s beautiful.” She smiles, and this time light does shine down on us. “We should get back to the party,” she suggests.

  We’re covered in sand and soaking wet. “I’m pretty sure everyone’s going to think we were getting busy out here on the beach.”

  Her bottom lip disappears behind her teeth, and she lifts an eyebrow.

  “Well, if they’re going to say we were out here getting busy, then we should probably …”

  Before she can finish, I press my body into hers, lowering her to the sand. I kiss her luscious lips and work quickly to remove her shorts.

  The moment of spontaneity defines our relationship. From our unexpected first meeting to our impulsive first time together and every unplanned moment of passion since — all examples of why she’s perfect for me.

  I’ve always been the wild child, the risk-taker who acted without thinking, the daredevil. I’ve finally met the one person who can keep up with me, challenge me, and also take the big plunges in life with me.

  When I’m with Maria, I know I was never lost or broken. I was simply distracted while I waited for her to arrive.

  The next week, I’m swamped at work. Staying at Brady’s is beginning to take a toll on me. The drive adds a couple of hours to my day, sometimes three or four, depending on traffic. Maria agreed to move into the loft with me, but only after school lets out for Javier, which thankfully is today. She’s busy planning the wedding, which won’t take place until after Tori has the baby. Brady left two days ago to head back out on tour with Second Chances, and I’m a little worried about how Tori is going to handle being in the house alone for the first time. The depression she battled after she lost Mona weighs heavily on my thoughts.

  Maria enters the bedroom to kiss me goodbye. She adjusts my tie and smiles.

  “What are you thinking about?” she asks.

  “Do you think Tori seems down?”

  She pats my tie, and then winds it around her hand, brining my lips to hers and kisses me passionately, as if to remind me I’m with her now and shouldn’t focus on Tori. She smiles as she smooths my tie again. “She seems fine to me. Are you worried about her?”

  “A little,” I admit. “She was severely depressed after Mona. With Brady gone and the rumors about him and other women, I’m afraid when she’s alone and all hormonal, she might get that way again.”

  “I thinks she’s more aware of her emotions this time around,” she says, rubbing my arms. “We’re close by and we’ll see her a couple of times a week. She has Drew to keep her busy and Liv and her are on the phone all the time.”

  “True, but I wonder if I should talk to Brady about it, just so he knows.”

  “Absolutely not. If you’re worried she’s depressed, ask her.”

  “I’ve discussed it with her, but she assures me the last instance was a combination of postpartum, losing the baby, and leaving Brady. She seems down, but I’m a dumb guy and can’t tell if it’s hormones or something I should actually worry about.”

  Her fingers comb through my hair. She reaches up on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek, which makes me smile. “You’re not a dumb guy. You’re a sweet guy. I have to get Javier to school before I head to the Center, but I love you. Try not to worry.”

  “I love you, too, and I can’t wait to have our own place.” I kiss her goodbye, untucking her shirt and attempting to slip my hands inside before she wiggles away.

  “No you don’t. I have to go.”

  I groan and watch her breeze out the door.

  After grabbing my suit coat from the closet, I go downstairs.

  Tori’s at the kitchen table, staring at her laptop. Tears fall from her chin and drip on to the keyboard. “You shouldn’t read the news. It’s depressing.”

  She laughs but the sound isn’t joyful. It’s forced. “It’s the gossip sites I should stay off of.”

  Her closed mouth smile when I sit next to her is enough to make me want to call Brady and tell him to come home. I figure it’s best to take Maria’s advice and speak with her first. “More made-up stories involving Brady, groupies, and orgies?”

  “Yep, only now they come with photos.” She spins the laptop. Brady’s in a bar with two half-naked girls on his lap. They’re kissing the side of his face.

  “You know this is crap, right?” I say, pointing at the photo of the groupies. “I’m sure they asked for a photo and kissed him without asking.”

  “I know and if my hormones weren’t in control of my emotions, it wouldn’t bother me.”

  “Okay, preggers,” I say and close the laptop. “Stay off the internet please.”

  “You’re right. I’m driving myself crazy. I hate the distance and Skyping is great, but I miss him.”

  “Are you sure you’re going to be okay with me and Maria moving into my place?”

  “I’ll be fine,” she says and s
wipes under her eyes. “You guys need your own space, and I’m happy for you.”

  While she said “happy” her expression is quite the opposite. I move the chair closer to her and tuck her hair behind her ears on both sides of her face. I hate seeing her sad.

  “We’re going to come visit all the time,” I reassure her.

  “I know you will, but I’m going to miss you guys and the house is going to feel empty without Javier and Drew running around.”

  Her smile is all wrong. She’s trying too hard to keep it on her face. I’m doubting if Maria and I moving is the right decision.

  “Are you depressed?” I come right out and ask directly, knowing the situation is serious, and humor, although easier, is the wrong approach.

  Her brows lower and she lets out a long drawn out sigh. “I hate that if I’m not chipper all the time, everyone thinks I’m depressed. It’s annoying.” Her voice, a mixture of anger and sarcasm, makes me feel bad for asking, but I don’t regret it.

  “I wasn’t trying to annoy you, but I’m worried about you.”

  “I’m fine!”

  “Okay. I believe you. Promise me something.”

  “What?”

  “Actually, promise me two things. One; stay off the gossip sites. Brady loves you and whatever is on them is a lie. And two; if you need my help for anything, or if you’re just in a funk and need to talk, call me. I’ll come over.”

  Her hand reaches for mine and she presses our palms together, our fingers interlocking. “I promise,” she agrees and smiles softly, gazing into my eyes, her baby blues, cloudy from her earlier tears, but always gorgeous. “I’m so happy you’re back in my life, Tug. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

  I release her hand and press my palm lightly to her cheek. “I’ll always be here for you.”

  She stares back at me, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth, and I remove my hand from her cheek. I expect her to nod, or thank me, but something else is happening. I swallow as her face inches closer to mine and her eyes close. My heart rate kicks up a notch. I don’t know why, but I can’t pull away. I lean in farther, our lips so close they almost touch, her breath mixing with my breath. My brain is screaming at me not to do it, but I have no control over what is about to happen. I lick my lips. When my eyes close and I’m about to make a huge mistake, I hear Drew, “Come on, Mommy, I’m going to be late for school.”