Playing The Hero

by K. Sterling

  Carter stopped swimming and let the current carry him back and he stood and leaned against the granite tile. He ran his hands through his hair and panted, his expression grim as he stared across the room. Maybe he needed to go away for a while. It might not hurt so damn bad if he didn’t smell Reid every time he walked into a room or picture him sitting at the table or on the couch. Carter shook his head. He’d see Reid everywhere. He saw him at the dentist as he stared at the ceiling. Reid was brushing his teeth and laughing at Carter in the bathroom mirror as Carter shaved. So… any place with people that had teeth could remind Carter of Reid.

  The phone rang and it was Abby. Carter reached for a towel and dried his hands before he put the phone on Speaker.

  “Hey, Abby. How’s it going?” Carter asked as he hopped and pulled himself up to sit on the side of the pool.

  “Everything’s the same here. How are you?” She asked. She sounded irritated. Carter frowned.

  “Fine.” He lied and he heard her laugh sarcastically.

  “Whatever. I just got off the phone with Reid.” Abby stated and Carter could hear her crossing her arms and giving him the evil eye. Carter stretched his neck, trying to loosen his shoulders.

  “Great. Do we have to talk about this?” Carter asked as he considered tossing his phone in the pool.

  “What are you doing, Carter?” She was getting shrill. “He’s miserable. For some reason, he misses the shit out of you.” Abby said. Carter bit his lip and waited for his stomach to stop churning.

  “Why are you even talking to him? You’re my friend.” He complained and she let out an exasperated sigh.

  “I called to check on him. I feel a little responsible, it never occurred to me that he might need protection from my asshole best friend. And he’s my friend too.” Abby argued. Carter rubbed the back of his neck.

  “He’ll be fine. He’ll get over it soon. They always do.” He turned and swung his legs out of the pool and lowered his back to the cool tile. Abby made a very frustrated growl/screech sound.

  “Why are you punishing him for Ben and every other dickbag you dated? What did Reid do that was so terrible? Want to have a future with you?” She kicked something and Carter covered his eyes with his arm and sighed heavily.

  “It was getting too serious and it would end the way it always does. I’m just saving him from having to deal with the awkward dumping me part and myself the part where I shut down and want to die.” Carter explained. Abby laughed. Hard.

  “Are you fucking serious right now?” She asked incredulously. “You’ve already shut down. You’re miserable.” Abby stated, obviously. Carter shook his head.

  “It would have been way worse if I let it continue. This is more humane.” He grabbed the towel and dried his face and chest.

  “This is the biggest load of bullshit you’ve every tried to sell me, Carter.” Abby exclaimed. “You realized you’re in love and you got scared. This has nothing to do with Reid. He’s perfect and you’re blowing it because you’re in love with the perfect guy and you don’t think you’re good enough.” She sounded superior and it grated on Carter’s nerves. Mostly because he was starting to worry that she was right. He might have pushed the Eject button and blown it with the best thing that had ever happened to him. Carter shut his eyes as they started to burn and flood with tears. His nostrils flared and he clenched his teeth as pain streaked across his chest.

  “Look. If you really want to talk about this, call Reid. I’m sure he appreciates your meddling more than I do.” Carter knew he was being the biggest ass but he had to get off the phone before he started bawling. Abby was silent for several seconds and Carter squeezed one eye shut and cringed.

  “You know, you used to be the best person I knew. Now, you’re a miserable, fucked up creep. Call me when you come to your senses.” She hung up and Carter pressed his palms to his eyes and groaned.

  He knew Abby was right. Carter didn’t exactly need her diagnosis. He got scared and he’d probably fucked up a really good thing. But he wasn’t so sure he’d undo it now if he could. He could have screwed up but there was also a chance he didn’t. He already knew what this pain was like and there were realms of pain out there that he didn’t want to visit, if at all possible.

  Chapter 19

  Seventeen days. It had been seventeen days since that last morning with Carter. Reid knew that Carter was still hiding in his house and being horrid to everyone, thanks to Abby. Her calls were always hard to take but they were Reid’s only insight into Carter. Sort of. He knew that Carter wasn’t happy and that he’d somehow decided that this was what was best for them. Reid just didn’t know why or what had brought the decision on. Reid knew that something had occurred after he’d made love to Carter. It had to have been after. He’d bet his life that Carter felt everything he had. Reid replayed every single moment after the first time up until he left Carter in his bed and there were no clues. Carter had been quieter but he’d wanted Reid and their last kiss had been so intense, everything Carter did after seemed to come out of nowhere.

  Reid wanted to be angry but every time he started to blame Carter, it didn’t help and it didn’t last. Reid could admit that there had been signs that Carter was still dealing with old baggage and he’d ignored them. Reid had arrogantly believed that he was doing everything he was supposed to and it would all clear up on its own. How could the ghosts of boyfriends past have a chance against him? He was the Super Boyfriend, able to shatter bad memories with his charming smile and heal old wounds with one night of feelings and world class fucking.

  If he had told Carter he loved him and let him see that he was vulnerable, maybe Carter would have opened up about whatever it was that he was afraid of. Maybe Carter would have talked to him that last morning and Reid would know how he’d triggered Carter’s panic switch. Instead, all he’d done was steam roll over every concern Carter ever had and dragged him kicking and screaming into his first serious relationship in four years.

  Fuck this, Reid decided as he grabbed his phone and car keys. He was going to Carter’s and he wasn’t leaving until Carter came out. And he was taking his car and blocking Carter’s driveway so he couldn’t escape. Carter wasn’t coming out of that house until they talked.

  Chapter 20

  Carter had been standing in front of his desk, staring off into space when Reid’s car pulled into his driveway. He hit the ground and a moment later, the doorbell rang. Carter deflated onto the floor and groaned as he folded his arms and rested his forehead on them. After almost three weeks, he still missed everything about Reid and the steady stream of text messages saying that Reid missed him and wanted to talk hadn’t let up. Carter waited for an eternity and was about to hop to his feet to see if Reid had left when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out and frowned as he read the message from Reid.

  Reid

  I’m not leaving. I have a sleeping bag in the car.

  Was he serious? Carter’s head popped up and he scowled at the door. He rose on his hands and knees and grabbed his laptop off the desk. He sat on the floor, cross legged and determined to wait Reid out. Carter’s fingers danced in the air above the keys as he tried to produce the first sentence of a new chapter.

  Thonk.

  Thonk.

  Carter’s eyes flicked to the front door and his lips pulled tight. Reid had one of Sadie’s balls too… I’ll fix him, Carter thought. His hand patted blindly over the top of his desk until he found his headphones. He pulled them on and tried to forget that Reid was just feet away.

  Thonk.

  The first battle of a war between ravaged societies faded and Carter gritted his teeth and turned the music up.

  Thonk.

  Thonk.

  His heroine was torn. Did she side with the “New Democracy” or did she follow her heart? Carter squeezed his eyes shut and tried to focus.

  Thonk.

  She really loved Zach and he was supposed to be The New Be
ginning. How could she choose Zach and save humanity?

  Thonk.

  Thonk.

  It was like The Tell Tale Heart. Carter knew that no matter how loud he had the music, he’d hear or feel the bouncing of that ball on his porch. He jumped to his feet and rushed to the door. He pulled it open and Reid’s hand snatched the ball out of the air and he smiled.

  “So, you are home.” He said cheerfully. Carter glared at him.

  “Why are you doing this?” He wished it hadn’t sounded as harsh. Carter didn’t want Reid knowing he'd got to him. It was a petty loss but he didn’t want to admit it. Reid tossed the ball in the air and caught it.

  “You’re not answering my messages or calls. And you keep pretending like you’re not home.” He stated, unnecessarily. Carter pushed a hand through his hair and raised a brow at Reid.

  “I’m aware.” He muttered. Reid’s eyes searched his.

  “What happened, Carter?” He asked gently. Carter shook his head, not wanting to have that discussion and Reid crossed his arms. “It couldn’t have been the sex. I didn’t force you. You wanted it.” He said softly. Carter nodded.

  “You didn't force me to do anything.” He reassured. Reid’s head tilted as his eyes trickled down Carter’s body.

  “I’m pretty sure you enjoyed it.” Reid added and Carter swallowed hard and nodded again.

  “I did. It wasn’t anything you did, Reid.” Carter promised. Reid’s head fell to the other shoulder.

  “Are you afraid it means you might be gay?” Reid teased. Carter rolled his eyes as he looked toward Reid’s house.

  “Shut up.” Carter pushed his hands into his pockets and looked down at his bare feet.

  “Talk to me, Carter.” Reid urged. Carter felt a heavy weight settle into his chest and he sighed hard, trying to clear it. It didn’t budge. His head started to pound and he pinched the bridge of his nose.

  “It just got to be too much.” Carter whispered, he didn’t think his voice could do more. Reid’s hand rubbed over his lips.

  “We don’t have to do that if you don't want to. I don’t need that.” Reid offered and Carter’s eyes flared as he stared at Reid.

  “No. That was… amazing.” Carter’s face became hot, he wanted to look away but Reid’s eyes had him pinned. He rubbed the back of his neck as he tried to find less vulnerable words. “I can’t… It’s too hard for me to keep from getting emotionally invested. After we…” Carter swallowed hard and he studied his toes again. “After you fucked me…” Reid pushed away from the rail and his hands closed around Carter’s face as his eyes claimed Carter’s.

  “I made love to you, Carter. You always fucked me but I made love to you.” He growled before his mouth crushed Carter’s. Reid’s tongue battered and washed over Carter’s forcefully before he pulled away and stared deep into Carter’s eyes. “This isn’t one-sided. I’m in love with you, too. I wanted you so bad, it was killing me. But then I had you and I almost wished I hadn’t. Nothing has ever felt so good, so right. Then, you shut me out. I’ve felt so… incomplete.” Reid’s voice broke as he pressed his lips hard against Carter’s. “Why are you running from this?” He asked hoarsely. Carter pushed Reid’s hands away and went into the house. Reid followed and shut the door behind him. Carter’s eyes were wild when he turned to Reid.

  “I’m scared!” He yelled. “I was fine, Reid. I had everything and my life was exactly the way I wanted it.” Carter saw Reid’s brow rise as he looked down at the floor. Carter scooped up his laptop and set it on the desk before he began pacing. “Everything with you was so easy and perfect. All I could think about is how completely wrecked I’d be if I started believing it was real and you ended it.” Carter hoped that Reid understood but all he saw was confusion.

  “And this is better? Are you happy now?” Reid asked as he drew closer. Carter backed away, toward the sofa.

  “No. It’s not better.” Carter admitted as he raised his hands, holding Reid off. “I was safe! I didn’t have to worry about any of this and I was content. Now, I’m all fucked up and you’re going to rip my heart out. I can’t protect myself from you!” Carter’s hands were fisted in his hair and he was yelling. He never yelled.

  “You were safe?” Reid’s head pulled back and he gestured around the room. “This is it. This is all you had. You spent your days alone and you’d never leave if it weren’t for Abby and Pinterest. Is that all you want your life to be? The books are great and kudos on all the money but you weren’t happy, Carter.” He moved quickly and fisted his hands in Carter’s shirt. “Look at what you’re doing. You’re hurting yourself, and me, because you’re afraid you’re going to get hurt.” Carter’s eyes grew wide and he shook his head.

  “Reid, I… it would be worse if…” Carter’s voice shook and Reid cut him off.

  “You don’t know that! It could be amazing. It was amazing.” Reid argued and pulled Carter closer. “You don’t have to protect yourself from me. I love you.” Reid waited while Carter’s soul imploded. “I love that you still cry like a little girl at the end of E.T.. I love that you shriek like a fire alarm if there’s a spider and that you actually called an exterminator to come and kill one. I love that you still listen to NPR on a radio because you like the way it’s fuzzy and crackles. I love that when you think I’m asleep, you sing “A Kiss To Build A Dream On” to me. You have the sexiest damned voice I’ve ever heard and you have no idea what it does to me. I feel it when you speak. I love you when you’re cranky and pretending that you can’t hear me because you’re working. I love you when you’re in nothing but your underwear and you’re cooking me breakfast. I love you when you’re snoring so hard I wake up afraid that there’s a man in a hockey mask with a chainsaw in the room. I love you when you’re breaking both of our hearts because you’re afraid. I love you, Carter. I love you so much that I could accept that we’d never have sex again if it meant that I could keep being near you.” Reid’s voice had fallen away and was thin and watery as his arms wrapped around Carter.

  Reid’s lips brushed over Carter’s and he sighed in relief when Carter’s were soft and clinging beneath them. Reid’s thumbs brushed away the tears that were streaming down Carter’s face and Carter told himself he was not crying like a little girl, that they were manly tears. Who wouldn’t cry after that? Carter raised his head and he searched Reid’s face.

  “You have to mean all of this, Reid.” He begged. “I will kick you in the balls so hard if you leave me.” Carter buried his face in the corner of Reid’s neck and breathed him in. The smell and feel of Reid’s warm hard body made Carter cry even more. It was so, so good. He’d craved Reid so much it hurt and now he was in Carter’s arms, promising he’d never leave. “I love you so much! I need you. I tried so hard not to need you but I do.” Carter moaned as his tongue slid along Reid’s neck. He could taste his tears on Reid’s skin and they mixed with the intoxicating taste of Reid and Carter’s body began to move. He was pushing Reid toward the stairs as he clawed at Reid’s pants. Reid nodded drunkenly as speared his fingers in Carter’s hair.

  “Oh, God, I need you.” He hissed when Carter’s teeth dug into his collar bone. Reid leaned back and ripped his shirt off and Carter growled as his hands covered Reid’s chest and stomach. They were gliding and pressing greedily as he carefully backed Reid up the stairs.

  “Make love to me, Reid.” Carter demanded as they turned into the hall. “This time, I won’t let it scare me. I’ll let you have me, all of me.” He promised as he threw his shirt on the floor and pulled Reid against his chest, needing to feel Reid’s skin against his. Carter sobbed into Reid’s mouth as the aching cavern inside of him was flooded with warmth and peace.

  Reid pushed and Carter fell back on the bed and Reid dropped to his knees between Carter’s legs and quickly ripped open the fly of Carter’s jeans. Carter’s hips bucked off the bed and he hissed when Reid’s hand closed around his cock and pulled it free. Reid moaned as his eyes drank in Carter’s
cock before his shoulders dropped and his lips wrapped around the head. Reid’s name spilled from Carter’s lips over and over as Reid sucked and licked ravenously. Carter kept gasping and holding it in, afraid to exhale and come too soon. He needed to feel Reid’s mouth on him for just a little longer, he wanted to draw it out and give Reid everything he needed. Little, stinging prickles attacked his skin, his chest felt like it was cracking and his vision started to fill with colored shapes.

  “Carter.” Reid’s voice found him like a hand reaching to him through a fog. “You have to breathe, you’re hyperventilating.” He said firmly.

  Carter nodded and his hand pressed on his chest, as if he had to manually make the process happen. The pain in his chest let up and everything tingled. His erection throbbed and his balls tightened but he still had a handle on it. Reid laughed softly and it was the most miraculous thing Carter had ever seen or heard. His lips trembled when Reid slid his pants down and stepped out of them before he crawled on the bed. Carter grabbed Reid and pushed him on his back.

  “I’m so sorry!” He moaned as he covered Reid’s body with his and washed his skin with his lips. “I got scared because I couldn’t stop myself. I feel everything with you and I need you. I’ve missed you so much.” Carter rubbed his face all over Reid’s chest and stomach, inhaling his warmth and scent as Reid’s hands sifted through his hair and caressed his face, neck and shoulders. “I love you, Reid.” The worlds tumbled out and spilled over Reid’s skin as he filled his hands with Reid’s taut flesh. Carter couldn't get enough. His heart felt like it was too big for his chest and his eyes were drenched and blind. He pressed his nose into the hair at the base of Reid’s cock and breathed deep. “I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.” Carter prayed as his lips glided back and forth along Reid’s straining erection and Reid whimpered Carter’s name.