by K. Sterling
“A driver ran a red light and drove right through her carseat.” One of the nurses explained as she helped Reid with his gear. “I don’t know how she’s still alive.” The nurse added and Reid’s eyes jumped from monitor to monitor. It was all so bad.
“Everything is… broken.” Dr. B muttered as he quickly clamped and drained, trying to get on top of the internal bleeding.
Reid cursed under his breath as he jumped in and got to work. He tried to unsee the glossy, black pigtail and red bow, caked in blood or the little speck of pink polish on a tiny fingernail. Sweat prickled along his back and he could feel it running along his spine and his stomach twisted tighter. Reid clenched his jaw and recited the speech again, blocking out everything around him. He quickly moved from fire to fire, extinguishing and repairing as he tried to forget that Maddie wanted to touch the stars. Blood filled the field and Reid swore as his eyes flicked about, trying to find the source and he jumped when monitors started beeping shrilly. Her heart was plummeting and Dr. B’s hands were like hummingbirds inside Maddie's cramped chest.
“We’re losing her!” He yelled and he called for the defibrillator.
“Clear!” Everyone let go and leaned away.
Reid raised his hands and stepped back, his eyes latched onto the monitor and he prayed. Hard. The defibrillator paddles were slapped to Maddie’s chest and her body was limp as it flopped on the table. She was crashing.
“Get her stable!” Reid screamed as a bloom of blood filled the screen he’d been watching as he tried to stop the hemorrhage in her brain.
“She’s not responding.” One of the nurses murmured and Reid rested his arms on top of his head as he stared at the monitor.
“Hurry up and get her stable! I need one more minute or there won’t be anything left of her if you do get her heart beating.” He yelled as he fought the urge to pace. Bodies were rushing around him and his brain was mapping out the steps he had to take as soon as he could get back in. Maddie’s dying! He wanted to push everyone out of the way and fix her himself. “Come on!” Reid roared as the paddles hit her chest again. Her body jumped, ragged and loose like a mangled doll.
“She’s gone. She couldn’t take it.” Dr. B called it and Reid squatted and hung his head.
Reid squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the pain in his chest and the nausea to subside. His eyes burned and his lips twitched as they smothered the sob that filled his throat and mouth. When he stood, Reid’s heart felt like it was ripping open as his eyes swept over the rubble of Maddie's tiny body. How could one so small have survived such a thing? She fought so hard and they failed her. Reid’s eyes lingered on the soft, chubby curve of her cheek. Somehow, it remained pristine and still looked soft and warm. Reid knew that spot had to be her daddy’s favorite thing in the whole world and he was tempted to kiss it for him. But he knew it would be a violation and his heart raged at the idea of touching something so perfect and knowing that it was already gone and fading from existence.
He tore off his surgical gear and rushed into the hall. When he crashed through the doors and looked into the waiting room he saw Dr. B reach for her parents. Reid fell back against the wall and watched them crumble when they learned that their world was over. They couldn’t even console each other, they were so shattered in their grief. Reid couldn’t blame them. He was pretty fucking done with everything too. One of the nurses called to him and he shook his head as he pushed away from the wall and headed for the lounge.
“I have to go. Tell them I’m not coming back for a while.” He said as he threw the lounge door open.
The nurse’s words never reached him as he grabbed his keys, phone and wallet. In the car, Reid’s legs trembled and his chest kept shuddering the way it did when he was a child and he’d cried too hard. He couldn’t recall even starting the car when he stumbled toward Carter’s door and pressed on the doorbell. As Reid leaned on the doorframe, his muscles ached from holding in the violent waves of anger and pain that crashed through him. The door pulled open and Carter squinted as he pushed a hand through his hair.
“Reid? It’s after midnight. I thought you weren’t leaving the hospital until tomorrow night.” Carter mumbled as he stepped aside. Reid let out a strangled cry as he reached for Carter. They fell back against the wall and Carter gasped as he wrapped his arms around Reid. “What happened?” He asked as he swatted at the door until his hand connected and it shut.
Reid couldn’t stop his body from shaking as he started to scream and sob. Carter had to slide down the wall as Reid’s weight and grief became too heavy. Reid howled into the corner of Carter’s neck, drenching his skin with saliva and tears. Carter held Reid tight, his hand cradled Reid’s head and he pulled off his surgical cap.
“Did you just come from the OR?” Carter asked gently as he breathed in deep. Reid knew he reeked of soap and disinfectant and there was a metallic hint of blood. “What happened?” Carter whispered urgently. Reid began to gasp and his body shook so hard he was afraid his teeth would fall out.
“She was so tiny!” His voice was shredded and high as he sobbed. “I tried so hard but I couldn’t save her.” Reid’s arms were brutally tight around Carter, it had to hurt but Carter ignored it as he rocked Reid and made shushing sounds into his hair.
They must have sat on the floor for an hour, Reid crying and swearing he’d never go back and Carter whispering soothing words. Sadie was next to them, her head on her paws and her eyes large and soulful as she watched Reid. When his cries and the heaving of his chest settled enough for him to move, Carter got them to their feet.
“Let’s get you in bed and I’ll bring you a drink to calm your nerves.” He said softly but Reid shook his head.
“The couch.” Reid hiccuped.
Carter nodded as he guided Reid across the room and helped him sit. Carter filled a glass with scotch and offered it to Reid. Carter’s eyes were wide as he sat on the couch next to Reid and watched him drain the glass in four large gulps. Reid squeezed his eyes shut and shivered before he slammed the glass down and pulled Carter to him and fell onto his side. His head went back to the corner of Carter’s neck and he started to cry again.
The warmth of the scotch spread through Reid’s body but it didn’t stop the shaking. It didn’t settle his nerves either. He cried until he was hoarse, dry and exhausted. The last thing Reid saw before sleep swept over him was that soft, clean patch of cheek. Then, he dreamt of it.
Chapter 24
Carter leaned back in his chair, hugging his coffee mug to his chest as he watched Reid sleep. He tried to wake Reid up to see if he wanted coffee but he just grumbled incoherently and rolled over. Aside from a lot of scotch and a few cookies, Reid hadn’t eaten in the last three days. He cried a lot the first day, when he was awake. Carter thought he’d won a small victory when he forced Reid into the shower the day before and practically jammed a toothbrush into his mouth but Reid went right back to the couch after he was dried and dressed in Carter’s pajama pants and t-shirt. Reid wouldn't budge from the couch unless it was to shower or use the bathroom. When Carter begged him to go up to bed, Reid refused and pulled Carter onto the couch with him and did his impression of the giant squid from Twenty Thousand Leagues Under the Sea.
There had to be something Carter could do. The hospital kept calling and Reid refused to answer. Carter had answered once and he talked with a lovely woman that told Carter not to worry, that she’d arrange for Reid to go on leave. Every time Carter tried to talk to Reid about work he shook his head and said he was done. Done? Carter saw an article about Madison Parker, the four year old girl that had died at Northlake Regional Hospital. It was heartbreaking and the media was all over the story. Carter kept the t.v. off and wasn’t bringing newspapers in the house. Carter couldn’t imagine the pressure that came with being a surgeon. If Carter made a mistake, at the worst, his book didn’t sell. If Reid made a mistake, a person died. But Reid hadn’t made a mistake with Madison Parker. From what C
arter read, it was a miracle (or, a tragedy) that she lived long enough to make it to the hospital. Carter knew that losing Madison had to have ripped open the scars from Kelsey’s death.
The parents were devastated. Obviously. Reid had mumbled something about the mother and something about living with what happened to them too. That was about all Carter got out of Reid. Mostly, he slept. When he was awake, he stared at the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest.
Before all of this, Carter was toying with the idea of asking Reid if he wanted to move in. Sadie was already living with him, there was no point in her being home alone while Reid was at work. When Reid wasn’t at work, he was at Carter’s. Most of Reid’s clothes had migrated to Carter’s as well. If anything, Reid’s house was just another thing for Carter to worry about. He’d taken it upon himself to send landscapers over to care for the lawn twice a week and he’d been picking up the mail. When Carter opened and paid the electric bill, the absurdity of it sunk in. So did the irony. A few months ago, he’d been screaming and terrified that everything was moving too fast, now he wanted them to live together.
Just not like this. He had to figure out some way to help Reid. Aside from the fact that the sight of Reid, shattered and shut down, made Carter’s stomach feel like he’d swallowed a brick, it was as if their lives had been put on hold. Everything existed around Reid’s grief. Carter was too distracted to work and spent a lot of time holding Reid and trying to talk to him. Or staring at him and worrying about him. Reid wanted Carter there, he practically burrowed into Carter whenever he could, but he didn’t want to talk about anything, especially Madison Parker.
Carter felt like he was failing. There had to be something he could be doing to help Reid. Carter was in way over his head. He'd dated guys for a few months but it had never been like this. Carter thought he’d had boyfriends in the past but this was an entirely different species of relationship. He wouldn’t have tolerated Ben living on his couch, he’d never even let Ben come over when he was working. Carter almost laughed out loud at the idea of living with Ben. No. Nothing had ever been like this. No one had ever been like Reid. Carter had to do something so they could get back to their exciting/terrifying new life. But what? Carter took a sip from his mug as his mind played through the few romantic movies he’d seen and everything he knew about poetry and love songs. Standing in the yard with a boom box over his head or dragging Reid to the top of the Empire State Building wouldn’t help. Carter’s eyes drifted to his phone and he sat up quickly. He set down his mug and grabbed his phone before he went to the couch.
“Hey.” Carter whispered as he brushed his fingers through Reid’s hair.
“Hmm?”
“I’m taking Sadie for a walk.” Carter dropped a kiss on Reid’s lips and he nodded.
“Thanks.” His hand cupped Carter’s cheek for a second before it dropped and Reid rolled over. Carter frowned as he stood and stared at Reid. Then, Carter looked to Sadie, suddenly alert at the mention of her name.
“Come on, girl.” Carter said softly as he nodded at the door.
Once they were outside and a few driveways away from the house, Carter called Abby.
“Hey, lover.” Abby sang and Carter’s body relaxed. It was such a relief to hear a happy voice.
“Hey. How’s it going?” Carter asked as he watched Sadie stare longingly at a squirrel in the tree above them.
“The same as always. You?” She asked. Carter could hear Jemmy making truck sounds in the background and smiled. Maybe we’ll get a kid one day… Carter’s eyes became as big as saucers and his heart started to race. “Carter?” Abby called loudly. He shook his head, trying to make it work again.
“Yeah…” His voice was gravelly and weak.
“Is everything all right?” Abby’s voice was higher.
“I’m fine, I just scared myself a little. It’s nothing.” He insisted as he tugged on Sadie’s leash. She whined but set off down the sidewalk. “Actually, it’s Reid. He’s not doing so well right now.” Carter sighed as he pictured Reid on the couch. Abby groaned.
“That poor girl. I can’t imagine how hard that has to be for him. I’m sure that after her parents and family, this has to be the worst for the doctors.” Her voice wavered and Carter knew she was putting herself in Madison’s mother’s place. “Is he still taking it badly?” Abby asked. Carter nodded.
“He is. I don’t know how to help him and that’s sort of my job now, right?” He asked.
“It is.” She agreed. “But there’s not a lot you can do, hon. Just give him time and let him sort it out. When he needs something, be there.” Abby said. Carter felt his heart sink. He knew she was right but it wasn’t the answer he wanted. “I know you. You want a list of directions or a remedy but there just isn’t any of that. Everyone handles traumatic events differently. I think this is like PTSD. Maybe he’ll snap out of it in a few days, maybe he doesn't and you eventually drag him to counseling. All I know is, I couldn’t do what he does. I would have run so far away if I knew there was a baby girl hurt like that.” The last part was a watery whisper and Carter’s eyes stung and his throat tightened. He swallowed past it and took a deep breath.
“I know. I just hate seeing him like this. He won't get off the couch and he’s not eating.” Carter gave a soft whistle and turned back toward the house and Sadie followed. Abby hummed thoughtfully.
“I’d push the eating thing but I’d leave the rest alone. If you get too pushy, he might close himself off more. But food will make him feel better. Make some things he really likes and just pamper him. You’re good at that.” She suggested. Carter smiled. He could do that.
“Thanks, Abby.” He said as he started making a mental list. “I’ll go to the store after I’m done walking Sadie.” Carter heard her laugh softly.
“Aside from the part where the saddest thing ever happened, all of this is really good for you. Both of you, actually. You’ve put yourself out there in a big way and you’re taking responsibility for someone else. And when Reid learns how to move on from this, you two will be so much closer and stronger. I’m really proud of you for letting him in.” Abby sounded like she was beaming and Carter shrugged as he stopped and looked at his house.
“Whatever.” He mumbled. “I’m back. I’m going to let you go. I’ll call you tomorrow.”
“Sure. Give Reid a hug for me.”
“Definitely.” Carter said before he hung up.
At least he had something to do to keep him busy. He quietly pushed the door open and took Sadie off the leash. Carter bent over the arm of the couch and kissed Reid’s hair.
“I’m going to run to the store. Do you want anything?” He asked gently. Reid shook his head, his face was pressed against the back of the couch.
“Will you lay down with me for a while later?” He muffled. Carter smiled softly as he rubbed Reid’s shoulder.
“Yeah. I have to do a few things but then I’ll spend the rest of the day here with you.” Carter promised.
“Thank You.” Reid mumbled.
Chapter 25
It was like a perpetual fog. Reid had never been so sad in his whole life. He was just so sad. Even when Kelsey died he hadn’t been this sad, for this long. Then again, he was really young. Now, he was experiencing Maddie’s death and his sister’s death all over again. No matter what he did, he saw them, broken and dead and he felt so helpless. And sad.
Nothing existed beyond the couch. It was like an island in the fog and Reid clung to it stubbornly. It was safe and he remembered that he’d existed happily on it a long time ago. He stayed there, hoping he’d find that happier self if he stayed long enough. And Carter would come to the couch and hide in the fog with him. Some days, Carter was the only solid thing left in the world. And he’d bring food. At first, Reid didn’t want to eat. His stomach felt like it had been filled with sand and it clenched painfully every time he thought of eating or those tiny girls. Alcohol would make them fade but after a few ho
urs, Reid would feel sick and sadder. Then, Carter sat on the couch with a large bowl of lobster mac and cheese and shoved spoonfuls into Reid’s mouth and his stomach started to feel normal again. After that, Carter would put on movies and spoon feed Reid bread pudding, potato soup, chocolate cake, apple pie, chicken pot pie, ice cream… Everything Reid loved until he fell asleep. Reid probably should have felt guilty, Carter wasn't working on his book. He spent his days cooking, feeding Reid and being lazy on the couch with him. But Reid didn’t feel guilty, he was selfish and Carter was the only thing Reid wanted.
Chapter 26
“Hey, Carter! Want your usual?” The barista’s bright chirping was a refreshing change and Carter smiled as he nodded.
“Thanks, Julie.” He responded and her eyes swung to Reid and she dimmed a bit. He blinked slowly, almost groggily as he stared at the menu before he sighed.
“Can I just get a latte?” Reid mumbled. Julie countered with an even brighter smile.
“Sure thing, hon!” She winked at Reid and he offered a weak nod before he wandered off.
Carter paid and moved to the other end of the counter to wait. He frowned as he watched Reid head for the bakery. It was his first outing and Carter worried that he was pushing Reid too fast. He looked like shit. He hadn’t shaved in weeks and his hair was a mess. Reid wasn’t doing much beyond showering and brushing his teeth. Carter’s favorite Captain America t-shirt and a pair of track pants looked so wrong on Reid. The fit was fine, they just didn’t seem right on him.
“Iced green tea and a latte for Carter.” Julie called. He sighed as he turned to grab their drinks and Julie bit her lip as she jerked her head in the direction Reid had trudged. “I thought being in love was supposed to make people happier. He looks miserable.” She said. Carter chuckled as he stuffed a few dollars in the tip jar.