by Don Miller
The last statement did not upset Lady Matlock as much as Darcy thought it might. She had always thought one of his problems was he was too responsible. He felt responsible for the welfare of too many people at the expense of his own. He deserved some selfishness. She hoped she was wrong about him and Miss Elizabeth. Certainly she knew many unhappy couples in the ton that seemed to be extremely suitable on paper. Maybe Darcy was right; maybe it was their differences that they needed.
“Very well, nephew, I can ask for no more. And now I think Alicia and I should return and leave you to your musings.”
Chapter 15: A Letter from Longbourn
Tuesday, June 19
Longbourn
Dear Lizzie
Aunt Phillips came to us after church on Sunday and showed us a copy of The Insider from London that had an article about the ball at Denby House, which included your successful debut into the ton. I am sure you are aware it said everyone was very impressed with your beauty and your singing, but it also wondered why Lord and Lady Denby would choose to sponsor a young lady of such lowly circumstances. We, of course, know why and are all very proud of you.
The other news is that Charles is now officially courting me. He asked Papa for permission Friday. I do not know if the expectations I have will come true, but he is still the finest young man I have ever known and his demeanor to me is such that I believe my confidence grows every day this courtship will end with an offer of marriage. He admits he was uncertain of my feelings when he left and that he let his sister’s and Mr. Darcy’s opinions that I did not have any affection for him sway him. I believe you were right when you told me my tendency not to let my feelings show was a contributing factor to his leaving and I am doing my best to show him how I feel every day we are together. I am also very thankful to Mr. Darcy, because after you convinced him of my affections for Charles, he spoke to Charles and was instrumental in convincing him to return. I do not know what your relationship with Mr. Darcy is now, but both Charles and I believe him to be the best of men.
Papa is doing quite well regulating Mama’s behavior these days. As you know, we were both sure her behavior was also partially responsible for Charles departure last fall, so I talked to Papa in private about it when Charles began to call and have been pleased with his response. As for Kitty and Lydia, father has also insisted their behavior improve and has restricted them even further with respect to visiting with the officers after we received your letter about Mr. Wickham. Papa has declared that if they misbehave at the next assembly, which he says he will attend, he will prohibit them from attending any other balls or assemblies until they are eighteen.
Please write and tell me what is happening. Our calm and quiet life has certainly been anything but calm and quiet during this last year. I almost expect to get a letter from you in the next week or two saying you are going to marry an Earl or a Baron at the very least.
Love
Jane
The news that Bingley was officially courting Jane again was exciting. She had been sure that Darcy telling Bingley he might have been wrong about Jane’s feelings for Bingley had been the impetus for him opening Netherfield again and this was corroboration it had. She also suspected Bingley’s falling out with his sisters was because Darcy had told Bingley that Jane had been in town at the beginning of the year and his sisters had visited her, but had not told him. She was sure both Bingley and Jane were very fond of each other and she would soon get an announcement of their engagement.
All of this, of course, brought her thoughts back to Darcy. Why could she not just get that man out of her head and forget about him? The problem was, she knew, the more she learned about him, the more she realized how wrong she had been about him. Suppose she had not heard him make that terrible statement about her at the assembly and he had asked her to dance. If they had enjoyed the dance, would she now be married to him? Had her overreaction to his remark made her so prejudiced against him she could not see him for who he truly was? His sister loved him very much and she was a very sweet girl. His cousins, both of whom she respected, thought he was the best of men. And now Jane says she thinks he is the best of men. In fact, among the people she had come to know in London society, there were none who had anything bad to say about him except he was often very unsocial at social gatherings. She now knew this was because he was actually somewhat shy and hated having to fend off young women who were trying to gain his favor.
She could picture him in her mind. She could not deny he was strikingly handsome and looked strong and physically fit. He was certainly intelligent. She could remember the discussions she had with him about books and poets and had been impressed. He was apparently a wonderful estate manager and wise at investing. Lord Matlock had called him a very astute investor. Others had said he was an excellent estate manager who often helped his friends and family when they had problems with their estates. She had even heard he was very concerned about his tenants—more so than many of the ton thought one should be. All and all his reputation was almost above reproach, so why was she still resisting letting herself get to know him better? Could it be because she did not want to admit she had been wrong and that despite what seemed to be their differences, they would be good for each other?”
Her mind went back to the ball and all the gentleman with whom she had danced. She had compared every one of them to Darcy, and she was not sure if it was just because he was the only one who had ever proposed to her or if it was because she recognized him as having set a standard against which she was going to measure all men. If the latter, was it a good standard, or one she set only because she thought she knew him better? She was suddenly filled with questions about herself for which she needed answers.
Jane had been right. Their calm and quiet life had certainly been upset and she was afraid of what it was doing to her. What did she feel? Was she thinking too much and feeling too little? Was she so worried about doing things right, she was doing things wrong? She realized she badly needed to talk with someone. She needed to lay her soul bare to someone and there were only two people she felt she could trust in these matters: Jane and her Aunt Madeleine and her aunt was just downstairs
She found her aunt where she thought she would, in her sitting room at her desk, writing a letter. When Elizabeth knocked on the partially open door, her aunt looked up, smiled, and said, “Come in, Lizzie. I am happy you came to see me. I was just replying to your mother about the good news that Mr. Bingley has reopened Netherfield. I assume you heard about it from Jane. What think you, Lizzie? Did he go back to woo your sister again, hoping to make her the mistress of Netherfield Park?”
“I sincerely hope so. It was that information in the letter I received from Jane that prompted me to come and find you.”
“How so?”
“Apparently Mr. Bingley decided to return because Mr. Darcy admitted he had been mistaken about Jane’s feelings for Mr. Bingley and suggested he return and renew his attentions to my sister. Mr. Darcy’s suggestions carry a lot of weight with Mr. Bingley.”
“May I assume, therefore, this is about Mr. Darcy and not about Mr. Bingley?”
“Yes. My mind is all in turmoil about that man and I need to talk about it. Maybe if I talk about it, I can get him out of my system and move on.”
“Are you certain you want him out of your system?”
“No, I am not certain about anything. I used to think I was, but every day it seems I learn something new about the man that changes my mind and he keeps saying things to me that imply he is still interested in me, and I cannot understand why. I have misjudged him; I have said terrible things to him; I have not recognized his feelings for me. I try to point out to him how incompatible we are and he ignores it.”
Mrs. Gardiner smiled to herself. She had not realized that Darcy and Elizabeth, despite her rejection of him in Kent, were still in turmoil about their relationship. This put a new light on things. “Let me ask you a few things. Do you dislike Mr. Darcy?”
�
��No,” Elizabeth immediately answered.
“Do you respect him?”
Again, with little hesitation, Elizabeth answered, “Yes.”
“Do you like him, as opposed to being indifferent to him?”
This time the hesitation was a little longer. “Yes.”
Elizabeth fully expected Mrs. Gardiner’s next question to be if she loved him, to which she would unhesitatingly say no, but instead Mrs. Gardiner said. “Do you like his appearance?”
Elizabeth immediately said, “Yes, except when he puts on his mask of indifference he wears at so many social gatherings.” She smiled as she closed her eyes and pictured him in her mind. “He is very handsome when he smiles. He has two beautiful dimples and they make him look almost boyish at times.”
“Do you feel flustered when he is near?”
“No, not flustered. I am often anxious, wondering what we will talk about or worrying about…..I am not sure exactly what I worry about: maybe that I will say the wrong thing.”
“Once you are in conversation with him, does it get better and do you have interesting conversations?”
Elizabeth thought of all the times that they had actually conversed, including some of their verbal combats. “Yes, once we have gotten over the preliminaries, we seem to find things to converse or argue about, but usually not unpleasantly.”
“How do you feel when you see him with other women?”
“I cannot answer that question, because I cannot remember seeing him with women other than his relatives or Jane or women whom I knew would be of no interest to him. But if you are asking if I would be jealous of others, I do not know. I do not know how I would feel if I saw him with someone I thought he genuinely considered a possibility as a wife.”
“How do you think he compares to other men you know?”
“That is one of the things started me on this self-examination today. I realized I was comparing every man I met with him, as if he were some kind of standard, but I cannot decide if it is a good standard or the only standard I know at the moment. I seem to know more about him than I know about any other young man. But I must admit most men do not measure up to him.”
“Now here is the most important question. How do you feel about him? Do not analyze it. Do not compare him to others or some standard. Just tell me how you feel about him?”
“I know it is the most important question and it is the one I cannot seem to answer. I wish I could say I had no feelings for him or thought he was utterly wrong for me, but I cannot say that any more. I think about him more than I should, but I think it is because I seem to come in contact with him more than I do other men. I very much like Mr. Farrington and Sir John and even Matthew Dumont, but I hardly ever see them.”
“Lizzie, I believe Mr. Darcy is a good man and he deserves to know if you have changed your mind about him. I hope his apparent continuing interest in you is not making you consider him as a last resort; someone to whom you can always go back if someone else does not work out.”
“I have asked myself that same question. I have tried to discourage him and it has apparently had little effect. How could I be more explicit than saying I once thought he was the last man on earth I would marry? Of course, I do not believe that, but nevertheless, I said it and he ignored it. And I told him through Col. Fitzwilliam I thought we were incompatible and he should not renew his addresses, and he ignored it. If he had not ignored those warnings, I would not be in this quandary I am in now.”
“No, maybe not this quandary, but perhaps a worse one. I wonder what you would be thinking now if he had not been such a determined lover; if you had found out all the good things about him and realized you had thrown away any chance with him. This is a side of Darcy I do not think I would have ever guessed—that he could be such a determined lover in the face of rejection. Imagine how hard it must be for him, because I suspect he is usually fending off young ladies, not trying to convince them to love him. I think you need to talk to him.”
“I know I should, but I dread it, because I am so uncertain. Also, how am I to arrange this meeting? I certainly cannot send him a note inviting him here. Perhaps you could invite him and his sister to a tea, but it would not be proper for us to be left alone long enough to really talk about this subject.”
“Perhaps you will not have to find a way. Perhaps he will find you. Or, did not you tell me Miss Darcy wanted to teach you to ride sidesaddle better, with her brother’s help? Perhaps you should reconsider your hesitation to learn to ride sidesaddle.”
Chapter 16: At the Bookstore
On Monday morning, nine days after the ball at Denby House, as was his custom, Darcy was sitting at his desk going over estate documents when Georgiana walked into his study. “Will, will you talk to me about Lizzie?”
His first inclination was to tell her there was nothing to tell he had not already told her, but as he looked at her, he remembered why he included her in his discussion with his Aunt Helen and once again was struck by the fact she was no longer his little sister. She was a young woman who had filled out in the last few months and had grown at least two inches in the last six months, probably having reached her full height of about 5’6”, quite tall for a young woman of that day. He had always tried to protect her from the bad things of the world and his failure to warn her about Wickham because he did not want to upset her had almost cost both of them dearly. Perhaps it was time he confided in her more. She was, after all, almost seventeen years old.
He sighed, got up from behind the desk, and went to the couch, inviting her to sit there with him. “What do you want to know, Georgie? I told you most of our history when Aunt Helen came.”
“But those were just facts. Why did you fall in love with her? What is there about her that makes her so important to you that you do not want to let go?”
Darcy took a long time to answer. “There is no one reason. It was almost upon me before I knew it. I was, at first, attracted to her beautiful and expressive eyes and apparent joy for life. She is so unlike any woman I have ever known. She is intelligent; she is kind and cares for people no matter what their station in life, and she has this wonderful ability to make people feel better. She likes to learn and discuss and be challenged and seems to know what she wants out of life. The more I saw of her and talked to her, the more she filled my mind and the more beautiful she became: inside and out. Like all of us, she makes mistakes and misjudgments, but she is willing to acknowledge her mistakes and move onward. She thinks we are incompatible because we are different in so many ways, but I think our apparent incompatibility in many aspects of our personalities is really part of what makes us perfect for each other. We are like different parts of a puzzle that when fit together make a beautiful picture. And in the important ways, we are alike. We are intelligent, educated, fiercely loyal to those we love, and passionate about what we do. And, of course, her ability to sing is just the icing on the cake. I could listen to her for hours.”
Georgiana had never heard her brother speak so eloquently about anyone or anything. She suddenly understood how deeply he cared for Elizabeth and how devastating the loss of her would be to him. She thought she had come to care too much for Elizabeth, whom she had not known all that long, but she realized her affection for Elizabeth was nothing like her brother’s.
“I had no idea how much you loved her, Will. I thought it was just that she was the best candidate for a wife you had ever met, so you thought it best to pursue her, but I did not realize she had become so important to your very happiness. What will you do if you cannot win her?”
“I honestly do not know, Georgie. We must all go on, no matter what happens, but it will be very hard to see her on the arm of another man. I suspect if I cannot marry her, I will finally just choose a good and kind young lady who will make a good mother and try to be a good husband to her. But I cannot imagine loving another woman as I love Elizabeth.”
“Are you certain you have no chance with her? Is she absolutely set against
you? I cannot see she is, but I do not know her as well as you do.”
“I still have high hopes, Georgie, despite all of our set-backs. She acknowledges she likes our company—not just yours, but our company. She was certainly pleasant to me at the ball, where she saved the supper set for me, even though she did not have to do it. And I firmly believe we are meant for each other and somehow, in the end, we are destined to be together.”
Georgiana was silent, looking at her brother and wondering what she could do to get this brother she loved so much together with the woman she had come to admire so much. Then it came to her. “Will, I think I need some more music and I am sure you could use some more books. Shall we go shopping this morning to take our minds off of our problems?”
He smiled at her as he shook his head. “May I assume you need to go to the Reader’s Home Bookstore to find that music?”
“Absolutely. It is by far the best place in town to find the music I like.”
“You know she will probably not be there, do you not?”
“Actually, I believe she probably will be there. She told me this is one of the days she usually helps her aunt at the bookstore. It was true the last time when Richard and I went.”
“And what do you think will be accomplished?”
“I have no idea, but I think you need to talk to her and I just have this feeling—call it woman’s intuition—she would like to talk with you.”
Forty minutes later Darcy and Georgiana entered the bookstore and were pleased to see Mrs. Gardiner behind the main counter, talking to one of her employees. When Mrs. Gardiner saw them, she gave them a smile, walked around the counter to meet them, and said, “Welcome, Mr. Darcy, Miss Darcy. It has been a while since we have seen you here, Mr. Darcy.”