by Marian Tee
But he didn’t turn, didn’t stop walking.
She was crying as she came after him, willing Alex to turn around and fix things. “Alex, you can’t be serious. You know it’s not the issue…”
But he was still leaving her, and suddenly it became heartbreakingly clear. “I am just your rebound, aren’t I? This whole cheerleading thing is just an excuse to break up with me, isn’t it?” Ianne felt she had to spell things out clearly not for Alex’s sake but for hers. Apparently, it took a sledgehammer approach to make her heart finally believe what her brain had been telling her all along.
In the corner of her eye, she saw Zelda and Alicia step out of the restroom and that was the last straw for her. Her humiliation was complete. Maybe he had even timed it in such a way that his ex-girlfriend would witness their breakup.
“Why Alex?” she whispered.
Alex stilled at her question. Without looking back, he answered tonelessly, “I guess it’s easier this way.”
It was another one of his enigmatic replies and right now, Ianne was simply too tired to attempt understanding the deeper meaning behind it. Right now, all she could do was take everything at face value.
Alex didn’t love her.
If he did, he should have said so now.
Alex was using cheerleading as an excuse to break up with her.
And the most hurtful thing of all, Alex was breaking up with her to go back to Zelda.
She said with equal bitterness, “Easy for you to forget me?”
“Yes,” he said in that still toneless and clueless voice of his, “It’s easier for me.”
Oh God. He had actually admitted to her that it was easier that they break up early like this. “I hate you,” she said without thinking and upon saying it, Ianne realized that it was true. Maybe it was just for now, but at that moment, she hated Alex as much as she loved him.
Alex said nothing in response, however, and his silence made Ianne hate him all the more. She turned her back and walked away, valiantly making sure that her shoulders didn’t shake even though the tears flowed freely down her face. All the time she was walking, she was still waiting foolishly for Alex to run after her and say that it was all a mistake. She wasn’t a mistake, but this was.
But when she had reached the gates and there was still no sound of footsteps behind her, Ianne realized with terrible clarity that Alex wouldn’t change his mind.
Their relationship was a mistake, and breaking up was a step to the right direction.
Chapter Sixteen
“What are you doing?”
Jerking in surprise, Ianne accidentally dropped the bottle of wine and watched in horror as it crashed to the floor.
“Ianne,” her dad exclaimed in surprise, moving swiftly to take out the mop from the closet.
When he finished mopping, he looked up to see her daughter staring with rapt fascination at the newly cleaned floor. With a frown, he escorted her to one of the stools next to the breakfast counter and she sat down mechanically.
Taking the seat next to her, he studied his daughter’s swollen eyes and asked, “What happened?”
Ianne burst into tears. She knew it was going to make her dad uncomfortable – it always did – but right now, she couldn’t help it. She had to cry. She just had to.
A pair of comforting arms went around her and she bawled out even more. “Daddy, it hurts,” she found herself saying just like she did when she was a kid and with yet another fresh wound to contend for playing rugged sports with her brother.
“Tell me what happened.”
And so she did. “But why can’t he just tell me the truth instead of using my cheerleading as an excuse?” Ianne asked between sobs. “I think you were right. Even if you never said anything, I know you didn’t approve me changing. All it did was make me unhappy. I lost you and now, I’ve lost my boyfriend and best friend. Whoever said that taking risks was the way to live probably died alone.”
“I never said I didn’t approve,” her dad refuted mildly.
“Daddy, I’m heartbroken, not stupid.”
“But I do approve.” Ian made his daughter look at him. “Cut me some slack, okay? You’ve pretended all these years that you were happy living like a second son, so when you suddenly decided to become my daughter, you have to give me enough time to think. I needed time to make up some new rules.”
“Rules?” Ianne echoed.
Her dad scowled. “Yes, rules, like how long you should be out with your boyfriend—”
“Ex-boyfriend,” Ianne corrected miserably.
“How short your skirts should be,” her dad continued, ignoring Ianne’s self-pitying comment, “what you should do if you should go home alone, what kind of—”
Ianne gaped at him in disbelief. “That’s it?”
“You didn’t let me finish, so obviously that’s not it—”
“No, I mean, you don’t mind…that I’m not really fascinated with cars the way you and Ivan are?” she asked with a sniff.
“I know that not all people can have great hobbies like ours, if that’s what you mean.”
“And that I don’t care for betting at horse races?”
Her dad grimaced. “Not one of your finer points, but I know no one’s perfect.”
“And that I’m a cheerleader?”
Ian sighed heavily. “Like I said, no one can be perfect.” Then he gave her a serious look. “But you should know that I’m very proud of you.”
“You never told me before.” She sniffed again, but she also managed a teary smile, Ian’s change of heart making her feel marginally better despite having lost Alex.
“I love you, Ianne, even if you’re a girl,” her dad said awkwardly.
She scowled. “Do you have to say that with a qualification?” Then she said just as awkwardly, “I love you, too, Dad.” And they patted each other’s hands uncomfortably after that. When they realized what they were doing, Ianne and her dad burst into laughter.
“I guess, I’ll never be the perfect girl, aren’t I?”
“That’s just as good, because I’ll have lots of things to catch up with before I can be a perfect dad to a daughter.”
She sobered and asked quietly, “Did you think I was right, Dad? Excuse or not, I shouldn’t give up something I love just so Alex would stay with me right?”
‘“You better not,” her dad threatened, “because then, I’d be extremely hurt. You didn’t give up cheerleading for me, so why shouldn’t you do the same with him?”
“So why does it still hurt?”
Of all the things she had expected her dad to do, she hadn’t expected him to grin. “I don’t know. Didn’t I just say I wasn’t a perfect dad for a daughter?”
****
The news that she and Alex had broken up were all over school the next day. She knew it was so, with the way everyone kept whispering whenever she passed by and by the increasing number of boys flirting with her again.
Ianne couldn’t make herself flirt back, but she did manage to smile and have fun with them. The days passed, and she found it easier to smile even though she still couldn’t forget him. But Ianne knew she had to figure out a way to move on. It was necessary, after the way the pain of seeing Alex with another girl nearly crippled her.
It had been so hurtfully reminiscent of the day he first broke her heart that for a moment, Ianne almost felt like it was high school again, and he was once again choosing another girl over her.
Breathe, breathe, breathe. When Alex had looked at her like he didn’t know her, Ianne had wanted to die, and it was only Kenny managing to put his arm around her in time that kept her from falling. She and Kenny had become fast friends after Kenny had learned to accept that she’d never see him as anything but a friend. It also helped that he found it strange but hilarious, the way she kept tripping in Alex’s presence, whether or not Alex was looking at her.
Alex’s gaze narrowed at the way the boy seemed to have a possessive hold on Ianne, and his face became gri
m at the way Ianne was practically leaning against Kenny. Was this fucking it? Was this really it, he wondered bleakly. Was this was what made her happy?
Alex was the first one to walk away.
Concentrate, Ianne, don’t look back, don’t look back.
And she didn’t. If she had, she would have seen Alex look back.
****
“Cheerleading can’t drive your demons away, you know.”
Ianne wondered if she could use performing a series of aerial moves as an excuse of not having heard Gee correctly but knew it would do her no good. “It’s working so far.”
“At the expense of your limbs and joints, yes.”
“What can I say? I’m aiming for your position, you know,” she joked.
Gee chuckled. “See?”
“See what?”
“You’ve made me laugh with one of your jokes. You never did before. You’re different. Your jokes are funnier, your cheerleading is better – technically speaking – but you’re different.”
“I have to take offense at that,” Ianne said with mock seriousness, “My jokes have always been funny so please don’t use it as a way to mask your insecurities. Really, Gee, I’m willing to give it a fair fight,” she said earnestly. “If you want a cheerleading duel, bring it on!”
Gee laughed, and Ianne laughed but inside her heart, just as Gee had guessed, was crying. It was a melodramatic way of putting it, but she had always been the type to go emo when heartbroken.
The Cheerleading Almighty left after that and Ianne resumed practice for her solo act in next week’s special performance at the college’s annual fair. As she mindlessly went through her moves, Ianne absently noticed Zelda throwing dagger looks at her.
The other girl seemed to hate her even more ever since Zelda found out it was Ianne who had won the spot for the solo and not her.
Ianne couldn’t even find pleasure in the other girl’s jealousy. She was just so tired inside, and she wished it was the end of the term already so she could rest and forget about the whole world.
After practice, Ianne bumped into Zelda once more, this time at the locker room. Both of them were naked save for the towels wrapped around their bodies. She tried not to resent how big the other girl’s boobs were but she just wasn’t that nice.
“Hi Ianne!”
“Hi Zelda!”
And just like that, their supply of perkiness ran out and they stared at each other with surprisingly open hostility.
Then it dawned on Ianne. “You’ve just been crying!” she blurted out, seeing Zelda’s red-rimmed eyes.
Zelda lifted her chin. “So?” Then her gaze narrowed, seeing Ianne’s own red-rimmed eyes. “You’ve been crying, too!”
“Are you crying because of Alex?” Zelda asked snidely.
“Are you crying because you know how much you suck as a cheerleader now?”
Zelda’s lips started to tremble.
Ianne’s jaw dropped. Was she going to cry again – because of Ianne?
Tears welled in Zelda’s eyes.
Ianne quickly looked away. She was going to act like Jacy, she told herself, and not care that Zelda was clearly as miserable as she was. Ianne was going to be all bitchy and laugh her most evil laugh if Zelda burst into tears. Zelda deserved to cry after what she had put Ianne through.
Zelda let out a wail.
Shit. Her Jacy persona crumbled, to be replaced by the part of her that was most like Andra, the Blessed Virgin Who Could Never Say Anything Bad about Anyone.
“I’m sorry,” she said gruffly. “I didn’t really mean you sucked.”
“Yes, you did,” Zelda sobbed.
It was true. “At least you still have…Alex.” God, it was so hard to say his name.
“But I don’t,” the other girl cried out. “I never did. And I don’t care because I never really loved him the way you two loved each other.”
Ianne whitened at Zelda’s words. So she had really known about Ianne’s feelings for Alex…and his feelings for Ianne.
“I’m not even crying about Alex. Or cheerleading. I’m crying because I’m the idiot who still loves my ex even if I know he’s a jerk.”
Her mind was whirling at the onslaught of unbelievable words coming out from Zelda’s mouth. “You…still love Gordon? You don’t…love Alex?” Was Ianne really hearing this?
When Zelda cried at full force after that, Ianne awkwardly found herself trying to comfort the other girl. She clumsily patted Zelda’s back, mumbling, “There’s no point crying over a jerk and you know it.”
Zelda sobbed her agreement.
As the other girl’s tears started to subside, Ianne asked cautiously, “Is it true…what you said? That you and Alex didn’t get back together?”
Zelda sniffed. “I wanted to. I tried everything I could to have him come back, but you know how Alex is. He’s not the type to forgive and forget and what I did to him was pretty unforgiveable.”
Ianne’s heart was beating so loudly it was an effort to simply hear Zelda’s words. “So…you don’t really love Alex?”
“No.”
“And…he…you think…does he…love…you?” Ianne inhaled.
“No.”
OHMYGOD.
“That’s great. I mean, that’s…life.” She patted Zelda’s back awkwardly once more. “You’ll get over Gordon in time.”
“I don’t know,” Zelda murmured doubtfully. “I really loved him even though he was a jerk. Alex was nice, but I knew he only cared for me because he was so determined to forget you. When he found out that I was dating Gordon behind his back, it was really his pride hurt.” She paused, nibbling worryingly over her lip. “But you know, I think I still have a shot with Alex if you just—”
Ianne’s eyes bore through Zelda’s. “NO. You had your chance with him and you blew it.”
Zelda pouted. “But I just need some time—”
Before she knew it, Ianne and Zelda were walking hand in hand out of the locker room. “I’ll make a deal with you. Stay away from Alex, and I’ll help find you a nice guy.”
“How about quitting cheerleading, too? I’ve always hated you for being such a good dancer, you know. I’ve seen you in dance classes and everyone liked you.”
Ianne smiled at Zelda. “Over my dead body.”
“You are so selfish. You already have Alex—”
“No. I don’t.”
Zelda rolled her eyes. “Of course you do.” She looked guilty for a second before confessing, “I messed with his head a little, okay? I made him think that you’d be like me, choosing cheerleading over him.”
“Zelda—”
“But you did, too,” Zelda cried out. “It’s not my fault you didn’t fight for him.”
Ianne stilled at Zelda’s words. Was the other girl right? Had she refused to take the risk of fighting for Alex because she had been afraid of being rejected?
Oh damn.
Zelda was right. Both she and Alex had let the past dictate their choices even though they should have known better. Without even knowing it, she had let the old Ianne take over, making her decisions based on fear and forgetting to think about how much she would gain if she had just chosen to fight for Alex. For them.
Everyone at the gym was gawking at them, and Zelda clearly loved the attention. She giggled, and when Ianne only looked at her dumbly, Zelda gave her a hard jab at the sides, forcing Ianne to giggle with her like they had been born BFFs.
Ianne caught sight of Kenny gaping at the two of them, and something in her mind clicked. “Here’s my first jab at helping you, Zelda.” She gave the other girl a not-so-light push towards Kenny’s direction.
Zelda stumbled in surprise and would have fallen on the ground if not for Kenny’s strong arms catching her.
“Whoa,” Kenny exclaimed, also surprised but having great enough reflexes to still prevent Zelda from falling.
Ianne watched in amazement as Zelda managed to flutter her eyelashes helplessly without looking fake. Wow. She
was truly seeing a master at work here. Job well done, Ianne, she thought and gave herself a pat on the back.
Her phone buzzed.
It was Alex.
I’m sorry.
Her heart twisted at the words. Alex was nothing but proud, and she knew how much it cost him to say the words.
The hairs on her nape suddenly stood, and Ianne knew instinctively it only meant one thing. He was here. She looked up, craning her neck as she desperately searched the crowded gym for Alex’s familiar figure. Everyone was still busy celebrating their basketball team’s victory, and she started pushing her way towards the exit, wondering if Alex had even managed to make it inside the gym.
“Ianne.”
Her head jerked up, and there he was.
A lot of girls around Alex were giggling as they stared and whispered about him.
Alex – her Alex, her wonderfully courteous Alex, who always hated making a fuss about anything – was holding a bouquet of roses in his hands. He was a lot of things, but he was not romantic, having too much of tough macho Texan cowboys in his lineage.
He took a step towards her, the earring on his left ear winking on her once more like a long-lost friend.
“Hi,” he said in his soft, husky drawl.
And just like that, Ianne’s knees buckled.
At the same time, she heard Kenny say behind her, “Hey, Ianne—”
Oh my God, no!
If Kenny caught her in his arms one more time, there would be hell to pay.
Ianne frantically tried a way to prevent herself from falling. She was damned if she was going to lose Alex just because of her feeble muscular system!
“Gotcha,” Alex said softly and Ianne suddenly found herself being supported by Alex’s left arm while the other still had a firm hold on the flowers.
Thank God for his quick dancer reflexes, Ianne thought dizzily, unable to believe that he had beaten Kenny to reaching her even though he had been more than a few feet away from him.
“I really have to ask you,” Alex said, a crooked smile playing on his lips.
“Ask what?” she whispered as he gently helped her up, her heart beating madly at the way his gaze lovingly – lovingly, LOVINGLY! – roamed her face.