Bonds of Denial (Wicked Play #5)

by Lynda Aicher

  This was Carter completely unguarded. It showed so much and said more than every discussion they’d had. Carter needed someone to believe in him.

  Rock swallowed through the tightness that gripped his throat and slowly put his phone away. He knew with a clarity that should’ve scared him that he wanted to be Carter’s someone. But it didn’t frighten him. Not even a little.

  Zeroing in on his man, he moved forward with slow, deliberate steps, each thump of his boots signaling his approach. Carter turned his head, his expression morphing from wistful to leery as Rock got closer.

  “What?” Carter asked as he pushed away from the window frame.

  Rock stepped to the side and maneuvered Carter until his back was against the wall. “Have I told you how amazing I think you are?” He kept his eyes on Carter’s so he’d see that he meant every word.

  “No.”

  “I do.”

  “Why?” It wasn’t a plea for compliments, but an honest query. Carter stared back at him, his blue eyes deep with a multitude of emotions, and Rock wanted to capture them all.

  He pressed a kiss to Carter’s lips, a silent promise that he wouldn’t let him down. He believed in who Carter was and everything he could be. “You’re stronger than I’ve ever been. You’re a good guy and I don’t know how I deserve you, but I’m not letting you go.”

  Carter frowned, his brow wrinkling. “I think you’ve got me confused with someone else.”

  “Not a chance.”

  He shook his head, an easy smile forming. Rock recognized the withdrawal that wiped away the earlier emotions and replaced them with the breezy cockiness that got Carter through life. “I might have to start charging you again if you’re going to keep me captive.”

  Rock didn’t let the dull barb take hold. He kissed him again then turned toward the window. “So what are you shooting?”

  Carter’s laugh had that sharp roughness of being forced. “You make it sound like I’m hunting animals or something.”

  “For all I know, you are.” He glanced over his shoulder, working to keep his face serious.

  “Get.” Carter shoved Rock aside and lifted his camera back to his eye. “You’re supposed to be helping.”

  “I am,” Rock grumbled, but he turned away to hide his smile. He backed up and let Carter take the pictures he wanted.

  They spent the next two hours wandering the building as Carter snapped pictures from different angles and vantage points. Rock never really saw what he was shooting. He was too focused on studying his own subject. He had a lot of information on Carter, but that was just data and it had a ton of missing pieces and holes he wanted to fill.

  They ended up on the flat rooftop, where Carter set up the tripod and angled his camera toward downtown. The Mississippi River ran slow and dark between them and the grassy bank on the other side that was quickly abbreviated by the urban jungle of downtown.

  “Come here.” Carter motioned as he walked to the edge of the building. He took a seat on the ledge, his feet dangling off the side.

  Rock came up behind him and took a look over the edge to see a straight drop down to the ground. The pebble-covered surface of the roof dug into his jeans but was barely noticeable. Hell, he’d sit on glass pieces if it meant he got to be up here next to Carter. He tucked his hands in his pockets and closed his eyes, soaking in the warmth of the sun on his face.

  “I like getting a different perspective on things,” Carter said.

  Rock looked at him, but the man’s focus was on the view before them. Rock followed his gaze and could only grunt in agreement. The contrast of old and new was visible along both banks of the rivers as far as he could see.

  Carter leaned toward him, the small space between them disappearing as their arms touched. Rock inhaled the murky scent of the river that dominated the air, but if he turned his head, he was certain he’d catch the fragrance of Carter’s cologne.

  There was a peacefulness up here in their own little space. A light breeze played with the ends of Carter’s hair and cooled the back of Rock’s neck. An occasional harsh gust would rush around the roof vents and cut across his ears before it died off to leave the distant hum that rose from the city below.

  He reached down to thread his fingers through Carter’s, an inner quiet easing through him until nothing else existed but them. They sat like that for a while, each in their own heads but not apart. Words weren’t necessary, which was about perfect in Rock’s mind.

  “Thanks for sharing.” His gratitude was mumbled as he stared straight ahead.

  “Sharing what?”

  “This.” He nodded toward the view. “And you.”

  “You’re welcome.” Carter squeezed his hand, and Rock smiled. It was so simple in that moment. Clear. If only life was always like this.

  “So how much do you know about me?”

  Carter’s question crashed through the quiet to shatter Rock’s peace. He instantly tensed, his stomach clenching around his guilt. He stared at their clasped hands and picked through his words so he’d get them right. “You know I’m a hacker.”

  Carter nodded, not looking at Rock. He’d gone into more detail about his job and what he did for the military in their phone conversations. He should’ve expected this question, but he’d hoped it would never come up.

  “If the data’s electronic, I found it.” Carter tried to pull his hand away, but Rock wouldn’t let go. He hurried on, his grip tight. “I know your given name is Samuel Carter Montrose and you officially changed it five years ago. You were born in Michigan and your family moved to Green Bay when you were seven. You’re an only child and your parents still live there. You moved—”

  “I get it,” Carter cut in. His hard tone had Rock tensing even more. Carter took a deep breath, his focus still trained on the distance. “I don’t like it, but there’s nothing I can do about it.” He turned his head, finally meeting Rock’s gaze. “So tell me more about you.”

  “What do you want to know?” Rock would tell him anything. Carter already knew his biggest secret. He had nothing else worth hiding. Not if it risked losing him.

  The smile that eased over Carter’s mouth took away some of the tension that had risen between them. “Tell me about your family.”

  What was probably an easy question for most people wasn’t for Rock. Anyone who’d been rejected by their parents or forced to hide who they were in order to stay in their family never had an easy story to tell.

  “It wasn’t bad growing up,” he began. “I’m the middle of three kids. My dad is career Army, infantry. We grew up on army bases all over the country. That wasn’t bad if you made friends easily like RJ and Rachel did.” Carter chuckled, and Rock leaned in to nudge his shoulder. “So you see my problem. I was twelve when I got my first computer. I found it in the garbage and spent four months reading manuals and gathering parts until I got it working. I was in heaven. I’d finally found something I enjoyed.”

  “I can so picture that.”

  Rock raised a brow but couldn’t stop his smirk. “I didn’t have to talk to anyone when I was behind a computer.”

  “You still don’t.”

  “The perfect lover.”

  Carter threw his head back and laughed. “And I thought that was me.”

  Rock waited until he looked at him again. “You are.”

  “Shit.” Carter leaned in and planted a hard kiss on his lips before he pulled back, a grin still in place. “When did you first know you were gay?”

  The smile dropped from Rock’s face as he turned to stare at the view, seeing nothing. The sick twist and plunge in his stomach was still there. Just like it always was whenever he thought back to that time. He waited, hoping Carter would see his discomfort and give him an out, but he didn’t.

  This was the anything he’d said he would share.

  “Is five too young?” He shook his head and wet his lips, not expecting an answer. “I had no idea what it meant, but I can remember looking at other boys and liking
what I saw, even if I didn’t understand what it meant. I was raised to believe that being gay is bad. I saw how my brother, father and all their friends made fun of gay men and I never wanted to be the guy they were ridiculing. It’s degrading and I wouldn’t put myself there. Couldn’t.”

  He expected Carter to say something, but he only gave a light squeeze on his hand.

  “By the time I hit my teens I refused to acknowledge what I felt. I dated girls, talked smack and did all the normal boy things. Until I met Nicholas. I was fourteen.” He didn’t want to go back there. He’d buried that memory for a reason.

  “There’s always a first one,” Carter said quietly.

  Was there ever a last? “It was the easiest friendship I ever had. He was two years older, but it didn’t matter. We became inseparable until the day my dad caught us kissing in my bedroom. That was the last time I saw him.”

  He had to pause there as the memories took over and brought with them the same rush of fear, shame, horror and disgust, like it’d happened yesterday and not twenty years ago. His skin was clammy despite the chilly temperature and he was suddenly too hot in his winter jacket. He tugged the zipper down, but it didn’t help. The sickening swirl of emotions was still there.

  “Talk through it,” Carter said. “It’s the only way to get past it.”

  The voice of experience. Rock heard it in Carter’s tone and forced himself to finish. He had to swallow twice and stalled once by coughing to loosen the tightness gripping his chest, but he eventually found his voice again. “My dad went nuts. He threw Nicholas out and turned his anger on me. I didn’t fight back. Couldn’t, not when I knew what I’d done was wrong.” The memory of the beating lashed out and he winced. It still ranked as the worst pain he’d ever endured. His dad was a big man and he hadn’t bothered to rein in his strength. “I ended up with two cracked ribs, a black eye and more bruises than I could count. I missed school for a week. When I got back, Nicholas was gone. His dad had been transferred to another base. My dad took away my computer and tracked my every movement for the next year, which was fine. I was done with Nicholas. I wasn’t gay.”

  A gust of wind pushed at his back, chilling the sweat on his neck. He took a deep breath and it came back out on a long shudder. How could a memory hurt so badly? It was over, yet the rawness was right there, cutting him with fresh wounds.

  “Did your mom do anything?” Carter’s grip was strong on his hand, and that was probably the only thing keeping Rock there. He’d been running ever since that event so long ago. Now Carter was holding him still, finally.

  Rock shook his head then shrugged. “She took care of me, but she never said a word about why Dad had lost it. We don’t talk about what’s wrong in our family. You ignore it and it eventually goes away. I doubt if I would’ve talked to her anyway.”

  “And your siblings?”

  He grunted at that. “RJ was worse than my dad. The first sergeant never spoke of it again. My brother lived to never let me forget it. Rachel was the only one who seemed to understand. She’s a year younger than me.” He gave a wistful smile. She’d always been his champion. Back then he’d hated it. Now he admired how brave she’d always been. Braver than him. “She tried to talk to me, but I shut her down. There was nothing to talk about.”

  “You weren’t gay.” Carter’s statement hung between, and Rock could only chuckle at how stupid it sounded.

  “I wasn’t gay.” Rock repeated the words around another sarcastic laugh as he wiped at his nose. “I believed that for years. I honestly convinced myself I wasn’t. I had a girlfriend in high school. I slept with women. I did everything a straight male was supposed to do and it didn’t matter.” He squeezed his eyes closed, his free hand fisting. “Years of denial. Fucking years of cursing every dream that included a man, every stray thought about a guy that I shoved back, every fucking boner from looking at a guy that I refused to admit to, was all for nothing. It didn’t change anything.”

  Carter lifted their clasped hands to place a kiss on the back of Rock’s. The soft press of lips on his skin about did him in. He sniffed and squeezed his eyes tighter, his throat working.

  “Being gay isn’t a choice,” Carter said.

  “I know,” Rock croaked. He exhaled and blinked his eyes open. “God, believe me I know.”

  Carter released Rock’s hand to wrap his arm around Rock’s shoulders. He pulled him close, his head tipping to brace against Rock’s. It was the most natural thing for Rock to wrap his arm around Carter’s waist and hold on.

  “People fail to understand that most of us don’t want to be gay,” Carter said. “We’d never choose it. I doubt anyone would jump up, screaming ‘pick me!’ to be the brunt of jokes, spit on, beaten, even killed—all because of who we love. The only choice we have about being gay is how long we suppress or deny it.”

  Rock turned his head and inhaled a full breath of Carter’s scent until his lungs couldn’t expand any farther. He held it, wanting to keep it, keep this, so he’d never have to go back to where he’d been. “It hurts,” he mumbled after he finally exhaled, the admission stunning him but not enough to withdraw it.

  “Yeah. And then it gets better. You can never be happy if you don’t accept yourself. Once you do though, the other stuff becomes background noise.”

  Rock couldn’t even nod to that. Being with Carter felt good. He was happy with him. But was he man enough to ignore the rest of the world? He still didn’t know the answer to that. “How did you do it?”

  “Come out?”

  Rock nodded, his head moving against Carter’s where it still rested. The man’s soft laugh startled him enough to pull back.

  Carter glanced his way, a wry smile on his lips. “Like you, I knew my parents would never accept it, but I was brazen enough to think I didn’t need them. I was eighteen, young and stupid. I came out after high school. I was heading to college, so the world was mine to take.” He tipped his head back and sighed. “Three years later, I was broke, buried in bills, about to be homeless and desperate enough to call them. They told me to never contact them again. I was dead to them.”

  Wow, that was harsh. The pain of being completely rejected by his parents had to have been crushing. At least Rock’s parents hadn’t disowned him.

  “And that’s when you got into the escort business.” Rock wasn’t guessing. He knew the dates and did the math. This “why” was the piece he hadn’t had. “Do you regret it now? Coming out when you did?”

  Carter stared blankly at the skyline. He tucked both of his hands in his pockets, but Rock kept his arm wrapped tightly around him. “No,” he finally said, the word firm. “I probably should, but I can’t regret being who I am. Most people won’t agree with me or my choices, but regret is useless. I am who I am. If someone doesn’t like it, then I don’t need them in my life.” There was no leeway in his voice. The solid belief was firmly rooted.

  “I like you.” Too much probably.

  Carter huffed out a laugh. He looked at Rock, his eyes searching for a long moment before he whispered, “I like you, too.”

  Rock’s chest swelled and he almost choked when he inhaled too quickly. They were simple words that said so much more. There, with the city stretched before them all shiny and new and the old building decaying beneath them, he knew he was looking at his future—if he dared to take it.

  He kissed Carter then, a long, slow search that had him gripping the back of Carter’s neck to hold him closer. Carter’s hand was cold when it pressed against Rock’s jaw, his moan low and appreciative. Their tongues twirled around each other with a softness that touched on all they’d revealed to each other. It was gentle and deep, but not pressing.

  He nipped at the softness of Carter’s lip, little bites that teased before Carter swooped in to thrust his tongue into Rock’s mouth. The taste of mint was so Carter now that Rock would always associate the flavor with him.

  Carter eased up, peppering lighter and lighter kisses over his lips before he rested hi
s forehead on Rock’s, his deep breaths warming Rock’s cheek. “Damn.”

  Rock grunted a single-note laugh. “Agreed.”

  A shiver rolled through Carter and he pulled back, wiping a hand over his mouth, a nervous laugh muffled beneath it. “We should get going. It’s freezing out here.”

  They packed up Carter’s stuff with minimal words, then made their way out of the building. Rock glanced at the corner as they left to see a dark shape huddled under the mound of blankets. It was unmoving, and Rock imagined that whoever was under there was praying they didn’t notice him.

  Rock closed the door firmly behind him before following Carter to his car. They took the same path back, but it felt like a completely different trail. Each step was one more away from something and closer to another. That was always true, only this was the first time he was actively looking forward to where he was going.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Did you get the paperwork?”

  Carter bit his tongue to keep the sarcastic reply from spilling out. He tightened his hold around his phone so he didn’t toss it across the room. “Yes.” He wanted to tell Hank exactly what he thought of the new contract and his business, but he wasn’t stupid. Burning that bridge wouldn’t end well for him.

  “If you want to keep working, I need the new contract signed before your current one ends.” The know-it-all tone imparted the information like Carter lacked the brains to grasp that. It was an image he let the man have.

  “Got it.”

  “That’s less than two months,” Hank barked.

  Oh, did he know that. Forty-nine days, to be exact. “Yes.” Saying “I know” would only egg the man on.

  “Get it to me.” That God-awful sniff came through the line, and he cringed. “Now tell me why your regular cancelled?”

  He dropped his head into his hand and rubbed at the headache that was building. He’d known this conversation was coming, but it didn’t make it easier. “I don’t know.”