by Jayne Blue
“Tracy and I are pretty confident she has a cracked rib. We taped it, but she won’t go to get an X-Ray, thanks to wanting to protect you all. Also, I stitched up that cut above her eye. She’s going to look and feel worse tomorrow. But she’s going to be okay.”
I exhaled for what seemed like the first time in hours.
“Good news, brother. But a bunch of us are gonna have to get on the road now. The ladies are getting stir crazy at the lake,” Domino said.
“I appreciate that you all were here, thank you.”
“No problem,” Domino said.
“We’ve been through a lot of fucking shit, but it all worked. The goddamn Hawks are out of here,” Kade grinned.
“Amen! Bear will be happy to see we didn’t totally fuck this shit up,” Axle added, bringing a few laughs.
“Go get your old ladies, and get out of here. I need to talk to Shep.”
“Yes, Mama,” they replied and all filed passed to give her a hug.
Before too long we were alone in the club.
“If you’re going to tell me I fucked up with JJ, no need, I got that.”
“No, I’m not going to tell you that. I’m going to tell you that you did a good job leading this MC.”
It meant a lot coming from Mama Bear. She knew what it took to make all this work.
“Your Dad, well, he’s made a decision. You’re going to want to talk to him soon. But right now, you need to take care of our girl.”
“Our girl? I’m getting the feeling you like her more than you like me. And, by the way, it’s not that I don’t want to take care of her, I just don’t know if she will let me?”
“She will, if you’re sincere. She loves you, Shep, so do whatever she needs you to do. Whatever she asks. She sacrificed herself for the good of the club, and for you. That’s rare as it gets.”
“I’ll do everything I can to get her back.”
“Good, it’s about time I had a daughter to add to my abundance of sons. God knows Jenny isn’t going to help me make the damn chili around here,” she said, and I leaned down to hug her. She was tiny, and fierce, and right about most things.
“Let’s just get her talking to me again and go from there.”
“Fair. And I’m sorry for how you found out about JJ. It’s my fault.”
“It’s water under the bridge. Unless she doesn’t forgive me, then forget about waffles on Mother’s Day.”
Mama Bear lifted her hand and lightly whacked me on the head.
“Get in there.”
I walked toward the kitchen and took a deep breath. I had some major apologizing to do.
“Just be super careful getting up and down. That’s going to be the worst,” Tracy was telling JJ.
It hurt me to look at her face. It was still so beautiful. And it was also a mess. Moss had hurt her so much. I cringed again thinking what would have happened if I had missed her, been a second later, or was too stubborn to run after her.
Tracy saw me come in.
“Shep, she can’t ride on your bike and when you drive, take it super slow. Also, here, she’s going to need you to change these. Tight but not too tight.”
“Thank you, Tracy, for patching me up again.”
“You need it almost as much as the MC does.”
“Sorry about that.”
“Ibuprofen will handle the pain. And just be super careful. Don’t rush it.”
Tracy patted JJ lightly on the shoulder and then walked over to me.
“If she refuses to come home with you, call me. Maddox and I have all the space in the world at The Castle. I just didn’t tell her because I want you to have a fighting shot.”
Tracy winked at me and handed me a roll of ace bandages.
“Thanks.”
“I’ll check in tomorrow. Rest JJ, seriously.”
Tracy looked back at me. “She’s going to hurt more tomorrow than today.” She shook her head and walked out.
We were alone. JJ was looking down.
“I, uh, I still need that drive to the hotel.”
“JJ, will you just listen to me, for just a minute.”
“I’m not in a position to get away too quickly right now, am I?”
“I am totally completely sorry for the way I reacted.”
She didn’t respond. The floor held her attention more than I did.
“Look, you said what you said. And I lied to you. From the beginning. That’s all there really is.”
“Can I at least help you get better?”
“Super 8.”
“No, my place. I’ll sleep on the couch. You need a few days. Plus, Tracy and Mama Bear need to check those stitches.”
“I don’t need your help.”
“Please, you helped me put The Hawks away, even if I didn’t know it.”
“Fine. Okay.”
That was all the yes I needed. She was going to let me help her get on her feet. It wasn’t forgiveness but, if I had time, maybe I could earn that.
I drove her to my place. I watched her try to get out of the car. I raced to her side and did my best to make sure she could stand.
And then I showed her to the bedroom.
“I’ll be out of here as fast as I can,” she said and that was it. No other conversation or chance for me to smooth things over.
“Can I get you some water, anything?”
“Water, that would be good. Yes.”
I got her water, put it on the nightstand, and then gently closed the door.
I wanted to do more, to make things as easy as I could. But for now, what JJ needed was to heal.
I could make sure she had the time and space to do that. I sat on the floor next to the door in the hall. I wanted to hear her if she called or cried.
17
JJ
* * *
I slept, I think.
I woke up in pain, awful pain. And my face felt swollen.
I knew it was morning. But I had no idea of the actual time. I only knew I was going to get up, and take a shower.
I tried to sit up and pain shot through my ribs. It took my breath away. I gasped.
And there was Shep. Next to the bed, kneeling.
“Let me get you what you need. What do you need?”
“Uh, I need the bathroom. I need a shower. But I can’t sit up.”
Shep leaned closer to the bed. He did it so carefully it barely moved. He put his hands under me.
“Good?”
“Yeah.”
“Don’t contract your muscle or strain or anything. I’m going to get you sitting and then from there you’ll be okay.”
“How do you know?”
“I’ve had broken ribs a couple times, it’ll hurts like a mother today. Tomorrow will be better. The worst is lying to sitting.”
“Uh, okay, do what you do.”
Shep sat me up. I don’t know how he did it but he did. And then he helped me swing my legs to the floor. I was still wearing my clothes from last night. I suddenly felt so disgusting that it made me want to cry more than the pain.
But I held it in. I didn’t want Shep’s pity. I wanted a shower. That was the level I could aspire to at that moment. One shower.
“Do you need help taking this stuff off?”
I wanted to say I’d manage it. I wanted to leave. I was so damned ashamed of how I’d betrayed the club that I didn’t know how he could even look at me.
But I needed that shower. And I needed Shep’s help.
“Yes. I need help.”
Shep slowly helped me to my feet. I lifted my arms as high as I could, and he gently pulled my t-shirt up over my head. I unbuttoned my own jeans, but I couldn’t do the motion to pull them down.
“This is humiliating,” I said.
“You were beaten to within a literal inch of your fucking life. You’re tough as fuck. Axle did this for me when I had it happen. So, stop talking like that.”
Shep pulled the jeans down and I took his hand as I stepped over them. Then he w
alked me to the bathroom.
“Here’s where I go it alone.”
“There’s a towel and robe in there. You already know that. Your bag is in the bedroom. I’ll be out here. Holler if you need.”
“I’m fine, dammit.”
I closed the door behind me and braced myself for what I would see in the mirror.
“Holy shit.”
I looked like I’d been hit in the face with a frying pan. Which I had. I gently touched the cut over my eye and realized I’d have to keep my face out of the shower. But dammit, I was getting that shower.
The water felt amazing, even though I had no idea how I was going to re-wrap my ribs after.
I accomplished the shower today. Tomorrow, I’d leave. One more day and I’d be okay.
I emerged from the shower daunted by how shitty I looked, but I felt better. And exhausted. Shep was sitting on the floor next to the door.
“What are you doing?”
“I said I would be here. I’m here.”
“Uh, fine. I need to lay down.”
I’d used all the energy I had. I shuffled slowly back to the bed, which was now made.
“What the hell, Shep?”
“I smoothed it for you.”
He opened the covers for me. I was determined to get in it under my own steam. I did, but not without wincing.
“Water on the side table, you hungry?”
“No, thanks.”
I swear I was asleep before I finished the sentence.
My sleep was sounder this time. The shower had done wonders. When I woke up, it was getting dark.
I decided to sit up on my own, which I did with some wincing. The second the wince escaped my lips, there he was again.
“Why didn’t you call me?”
“Because I can sit up now, see! No need.”
“You have to be hungry. Can I bring you some food?”
“I am, but I’m coming out there.”
I decided it. No more Shep babying me. I had a shower, a rest, and now food. By tomorrow I’d have an Uber and The Dark Saints in the rearview.
I ate, slept again, and then I was right. By the second morning I was looking like hell, but I could move. I didn’t need Shep anymore.
But he was right there. I had my bag. I had an Uber on the way. But I also had him standing in the way.
“I’m out of here.”
“That’s all, you’re out of here?”
“Yes.”
“JJ. I love you. I’m sorry for what I said. I’ll say that a million times. I will do whatever you need. Wait however long.”
I wanted to run to him. But I couldn’t move that fast.
“It’s not about me forgiving you. It’s about you forgiving me, and me never being able to forgive myself.”
“There’s nothing to fucking forgive. Do you love me? That’s what I have to know. If you say no, I’ll fucking stop. I’ll let you go. I’ll hate it but I’m not a stalker. I let you go. But if you love me, I’m not going to quit until I figure out how to make things right.”
I stood there. I thought about how much I did love him. How much I did want to be a part of his world. I thought about loving each moment I’d spent with him and the MC.
“I love you. Completely. Totally. I love you.” I’d said it. And still, even after he’d shown me a million ways he loved me I was still afraid that this was all going to go away. That I’d crossed a line against him and he hated me for it.
“Thank fucking God.”
Shep took a big step forward and wrapped me in his arms.
“Careful!” I said. I wanted him to hug me, but I was too tender. In more ways than one.
“Always,” he said and gently stroked my hair. He kissed me and I kissed back. Softly.
A weight that was leaving him, that was guilt, that was regret, lifted off me. I had felt unworthy of his love. But he wasn’t holding a grudge. He was just as sorry for all that had happened on that terrible day.
I felt fat hot tears sting my cheeks.
“What? Did I hurt you?”
Shep stood back and looked panicked.
“No. I’m being fucking sappy. I can’t believe we made it to this point. You know?”
“I know.”
18
Shep
* * *
JJ insisted on coming into the bar by day three of what I thought should be at least a week of rest. I hated the idea. She was still fragile, still recovering. I wanted to keep her in a bubble of safety. She reminded me that my mother was the nurse and I was not and she wasn’t into anymore downtime. I’d also kept my hands off her and continued to sleep on the couch.
She’d been through a trauma, whether she wanted to admit it or not. And I wanted to go slow. I wanted to go at her pace.
“I want to see the guys, Mama Josie. I want to be sure Machop is stocking things the way I told him to.”
Keeping JJ Hollins down was just about impossible.
She did let me drive her over, even though she insisted it would be a quick walk. At least that made me feel useful.
“If I see you bend down to get something or pick up a box or I don’t know, squeeze lemon, I’m going to lose my shit.”
“Get over it,” JJ said, and she got out of the car. I heard her wince. And I knew she was trying to stifle it. She was so fucking tough.
“Machop, if she lifts anything heavy while we’re in Church, I’ll kick your ass.”
“Got it, Shep.”
I knew why we were in Church, and most of my closest brothers knew or suspected what was up.
Bear was already in his seat and Mama was fussing.
“You know you’re NOT supposed to be in here.”
“And you’re not supposed to be out of bed. So, we’re even.”
“This conversation is familiar,” I said and hugged Mama.
“Oh, good, JJ at the bar?”
“Yep.”
Mama headed out. I saw her pause and look at Bear at the head of the table before she left the room.
“Alright, we all here?” Bear said and we all settled in. There was still an empty spot at Bear’s right hand. Where a veep was supposed to be. Maybe I’d be sitting there, maybe Axle. Bear had obviously called the meeting so he could open up a vote on that.
Bear pounded the gavel. His deep voice had our attention.
“I want to say first, that I’ve talked to our new allies The Great Wolves. We’ll be seeing them in town soon. I think that goes a long way to sending a message to whoever’s going to be in charge of the Laredo Hawks that we’re twice as strong as before they fucking started this with us. Benz, you want to update us on what you’re hearing?”
“The ATF decimated them. They’d got everyone on lifting the shipment from us, so it’s a pretty clean sweep. A few will turn and get lighter sentences but it’s going to be bad, decade at least bad, for the rest. And Sebastian Wright got a commendation.”
Benz rolled his eyes at that little nugget.
“Good.”
“And Moss?”
“Still missing. And no one’s looking.”
Bo had the information from Hex, who we had warned to stay away from the drug shipment. Consequently, he was planning on getting the hell out of Port Az and as far away from any Hawks as he could.
“And now, to the sad business of E.Z.,” Bear said. “I propose immunity from club consequences to anyone who has information on who killed E.Z. If you did it, it was outside Church, but confess to us now, here, to the brotherhood, and we’ll move on. I know you did it to avenge me and The Saints.”
Bear scanned the room. None of the brothers looked away.
And none of us admitted to killing E.Z.
“No one killed E.Z. then?” Bear asked.
“Fine, we’re going to move on. E.Z. gone has left a vacancy.”
Here it was: we were getting to the real reason we all were here. Bear needed a second, and we needed to nominate someone for that role.
“And I’
m going to leave another one.”
It was like he’d dropped a bomb. We were all stunned. The Dark Saints we knew had always had Bear at the head of the table.
“Mama Bear said you were recovering. Are you not telling us something?” I asked.
“No, I’m doing pretty fucking great for being this old and this shot in the fucking chest. But it’s time. It’s your MC now: you fought to keep it. You fought to keep this town safe from the likes of the Hawks. And it’s time you run it the way you see fit.”
“When do you plan on stepping down?” Axle asked.
“Now, today. I’ve pounded my last gavel. Didn’t it seem special?” Bear laughed at his own joke.
“So… we got to do this by the book.” Benz knew The Dark Saints Charter backward and forwards.
“Which means you need to nominate a Prez and a Veep and vote it, now.”
“What the hell? Are you sure about this?” I asked my Dad, my Prez. It didn’t seem possible that he’d step down from that chair. It was his life.
“I’m sure. I owe Mama Bear some time. I owe you all the chance to run this show your way. I don’t want to run it into the ground because I’m old or out of touch. Or whatever. My time is done in this chair. Think about it. And throw the names out there.”
We all sat in stunned silence. I had thought I’d be nominating and voting Axle into E.Z.’s spot, not trying to figure out who should fill Bear’s boots.
Maybe it should be Axle? He was smart, he had an even temper, and he was Dark Saint through and through. Or maybe Deacon? He was the soul of this club. We’d all follow him, but would the weight of being Prez crush that soul we all relied on? Or maybe Maddox? He had history on his side. Sarge was Prez before Bear. His family had made more sacrifices than any family for this club.
If I was honest, I felt almost every brother at the table would be a good choice. I knew each one of them would die for me and me them. But taking the gavel, that was a heavy responsibility.
“I nominate Shep.” It was Axle.
“I second.” This time Deacon.
“I third, wait, is there thirds?” Kade said.
“No,” Benz said and hit Kade on his shoulder.
“Anyone else want to throw their helmet in the ring? Because I know each one of you in this room would give your life for this club,” Bear said.