by Debbie Mason
He’d even done as Ethan suggested and filled the place with vases of long-stem pink roses. They hadn’t helped his cause, either. Neither had Ty’s suggestion that he fill the house with candles or Chance’s that he make her s’mores. Against his better judgment, he’d roasted hotdogs for her in the fireplace as Gage recommended. And Sawyer hadn’t said one negative word about the crap in her favorite meal.
He frowned as he thought back to the events of yesterday and put down his miniature hockey stick, leaning his head against the back of the chair. She’d told him how much she loved and appreciated the efforts he’d gone to. And then she’d rocked his world in front of the crackling fire, leaving little doubt that he’d scored an A-plus in the romantic gestures department.
So maybe it was his proposal that needed work. Not only his first, but his second one, too. If anything, it might have been worse than the first. And since they’d been lying in front of the fire in a blissed-out state instead of half drowned, he was trying to remember what he’d said that put the chill in the air.
It was possible she was just ticked he hadn’t let it go as she had asked him to. Because really, what woman wouldn’t be thrilled when a man told her how much their unborn child already meant to him? Everything he planned to do to ensure their baby always knew how much it was wanted and loved. He picked up the hockey stick and tapped it on his desk. He needed a woman’s opinion. But after his last conversation with his mother, he didn’t really feel like telling her he’d screwed up again.
There was a tap on his office door, and Brandi stuck her head inside. She looked at him and winced. “Guess I don’t have to ask if everything’s okay.”
“That obvious, huh?” He straightened in his chair. “What’s up?”
“I just wanted to check on you.” She shut the door, then crossed his office to take the seat in front of his desk. “I’m sorry Jill didn’t accept your proposal. I’m kind of shocked she didn’t, actually. Maybe—”
He stared at her. “How did you know?”
“It’s all over Facebook. Someone posted a picture of the two of you on Christmas’s home page.” She pressed her lips together, obviously fighting back a laugh, then said, “Of you guys falling into the lake yesterday afternoon. It was captioned ‘Sawyer’s epic proposal goes epically wrong.’” Brandi continued over his groan, “So people were commenting on it and congratulating you both. Then someone posted this morning that congratulations were premature.”
He gave his head a frustrated shake. Bad enough to live in a small town; add social media into the mix and you couldn’t make a move without it going viral within hours. He probably should give Jill a heads-up. She was hanging out with Grace and little Jack today.
“So is it true? Did she actually reject your proposal?” she asked carefully.
“Not really. She just wants some time to think about it.” Brandi was a woman, a single mother, maybe she could tell him what he’d done wrong. “I need your opinion on something. Let’s say a guy goes all out. He buys you the house—”
“You bought her a house?”
“Yeah, on Mirror Lake. Across from Chance and Vivi’s place. It needs some work, but… Anyway, obviously the first proposal didn’t go according to plan, so I asked again.” He told her everything he said. Even got a little emotional himself because that’s how heartfelt the proposal had been. He glanced at Brandi to see if she was tearing up. “Great proposal, right? She totally should have said yes right there and then.”
Brandi raised her eyebrows at him. “Were you proposing to the baby or Jill?”
“It’s the same thing, isn’t it? They’re a package deal.”
“Sometimes I think there’s a reason I stay single,” she said as if speaking to herself, then she placed her hands on her thighs and leaned forward. “Sawyer, you’re a great guy. Jill knows that. She doesn’t need to marry you to know you will be there for her and the baby.”
“But it’d be better for all of us if we—”
“Men,” she sighed. “Sawyer, take me for an example. I’m not in love with you.” He raised an eyebrow at her. “Okay, so I totally think you’re hot, and I’d do you in a heartbeat. And if you asked me to marry you, I’d be dragging you to the altar. You know why?”
“Ah, no.” He probably should have called his mother instead of asking Brandi for advice.
“Because my son needs a father. An amazing man like you who he can look up to and learn to become the stand-up guy I want him to grow up to be. And I’m tired of doing it all on my own. But Jill, she’s not like me. She’s in love with you, Sawyer.” She rolled her eyes when he opened his mouth to argue. “Trust me, a woman knows these things. Jill doesn’t need to marry you to give her baby a daddy, she’s got that already. She wants to marry a man who loves her as much as she loves him. And you know what, I think you already do.”
“Love Jill? Well, yeah, she’s always been like—”
She bowed her head and gave it a slight, frustrated shake. “Take my advice, do not tell her you love her like a sister.”
“Yeah, right, that’d be kind of… That’s not what I meant, anyway. We’re friends. I love her like a friend.”
She scooted forward on her chair. “Okay, tell me about Jill. Don’t think about it. Just say whatever comes to mind when you think of her.”
“She’s stubborn as hell, that’s for sure. Strong. Independent. Loyal to a fault. Funny. A little shy. Doesn’t have a clue how amazing she is. She loves her job and this town. Adores her family. Would do anything for anyone. She’s selfless. Works harder than anyone I know. She’s talented. You wouldn’t believe how well she plays the guitar. And her voice when she sings, gets you right here.” He patted his chest. “Same as when she smiles. And her eyes, I’ve never seen eyes that color before. Or the way they…” He sat back in the chair. “Jesus, I’m in love with Jill Flaherty.”
“My guess is that you have been for a very long time. You just didn’t want to admit it to yourself.” She smiled and stood up. “You might want to try proposing to her a third time. Only this time, tell her what you just told me.”
“Brandi,” he said as she opened the door to leave, “thank you. One day soon, you’ll find that guy you’re looking for. But until you do, I’m here for you and Trent. That’s not going to change.”
“I know—” She jerked back as Jack pushed through the door.
“Sorry,” he apologized to Brandi, then strode across the room, slapping his hands on Sawyer’s desk. “This has gone on long enough. It’s time for you to step up to the plate and take responsibility, Anderson.”
Brandi gave him a good-luck look and shut the door. Sawyer wasn’t feeling too friendly toward his ex–best friend and future brother-in-law, so he said, “Guess you haven’t been on Facebook, dickhead.”
Sawyer straightened in his chair, pulled his keyboard toward him, and logged onto the town’s Facebook page. There were three photos: one of Jill nearly taking his head off with the paddle, a second one of them falling into the water, the third of them paddling toward shore. He looked closer at that one, smiling when he recalled part of their conversation. And as he studied the angle of the shot, he knew without a doubt who’d taken the photos. Chance had some explaining to do. Then again, now that Sawyer had hopefully discovered the way to Jill’s heart, the photos would be a nice memento.
Jack released an impatient sigh and came around the desk, leaning over him. “Why the hell did she attack you with the paddle?” He shot him a glare. “What did you do to her now, dickhead?”
“Look closer, dumbass. I asked her to marry me.”
Jack leaned toward the screen and grinned, then he frowned. “She said no? Why the hell would she say no?” He sighed and parked his ass on the desk to look at Sawyer. “You screwed up the proposal, didn’t you? If you would have asked for my advice, the first thing I would have told you is to rent a rowboat instead of a canoe.”
Sawyer leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms. “You wer
en’t speaking to me or taking my calls, remember? Now I’m not talking to you. So buzz off. I have things to do.”
Jack shoved his hand through his hair. “Okay, I deserve that. But you gotta know how I was feeling. It was a shock. She’s my sister—”
“And I was your best friend.”
“You’re not going to make this easy on me, are you?”
“I’m not going to punch you in the face if that’s what you’re asking.”
He winced. “Sorry about that. I didn’t break anything, did I?”
He snorted. “Please, you punch like a girl. Always did.”
“Really? I’m trying to apologize.”
“Make it quick. I have things to do.”
“I’m sorry for being an ass”—Jack narrowed his eyes at him when Sawyer gestured for more—“of epic proportions and messing up your pretty face. I love you like a brother, and I’ve missed you. A lot.” He held out his hand. “Can we be friends again, dickhead?”
“Yeah, flyboy,” he said, shaking his hand. “We can be friends. And if you get out of my office and I can convince your sister I’m in love with her, we can be brothers-in-law, too.”
“Wait…come again? You’re in love with Jill.”
“Yeah, and you wanna tell me why you said it like that? Your sister is an incredible woman. She’s sweet and—”
Jack started laughing. “You sure you’re talking about my sister? Because Jill isn’t exactly—”
“Don’t piss me off.”
He stared at him. “You’re not joking. You are in love with her. I’ve gotta—” He broke off when his cell phone rang. “Hey, princess. What?” He nodded, glancing at Sawyer. “I’m with him now. We’re on our way. Tell her…tell her everything will be all right.”
Sawyer saw the concern in Jack’s eyes and stood up. “Is it Jill? Did something happen—”
“She’s cramping, and she’s bleeding.”
“How…I don’t understand. She’s been feeling great. A little tired, but…They can stop it, can’t they?”
“They’re on their way to the hospital. Let’s go, buddy. Come on, I’ll drive you.”
* * *
Dr. Evans, Christmas General’s resident ob-gyn, touched Jill’s arm. “I’m very sorry for your loss. If you have any questions or you just want to talk to someone, please call me.” She gave Sawyer’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as she walked out of the hospital room.
He dragged the chair closer to the bed and stroked Jill’s cheek. Her face was pale and pinched, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. His throat ached, his eyes burning from holding back his own emotions. He wanted to say something that would take the devastated look from her face. If only for a few minutes. He wanted her to know they were in this together. But he could feel her slipping away from him, building up her walls. “Jill, honey, please look at me.”
She slowly turned her head. “It’s over. You don’t have to stick around anymore.”
“Don’t shut me out.” He brushed her damp hair from her face. “We’ll deal with this together. I love you. Just tell me what I can do—”
She curled her fingers around the sheets. “Don’t say that. You don’t have to tell me you love me.”
“I know I don’t, but I do. I do love you, Jill. I want to marry you.”
A tear rolled down her cheek. “Please go. Please just leave me alone,” she whispered.
“I know you were the one carrying the baby, but I’m hurting, too. I want to be with you.”
“Don’t you think I can’t see it in your eyes? You blame me,” she half cried, half yelled. “It’s my fault I lost the baby. I didn’t eat like you told me to or slow down at work or get—”
He took her by the shoulders and gently shook her. “Stop it. Stop it right now. I don’t blame you. You heard the doctor. There was nothing you could do. Nothing you did wrong. It just happens sometimes.” He went to pull her into his arms.
“Get out. Just get out. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to do this.” She pushed him away.
He bowed his head, scrubbing his hands over his face, then slowly came to his feet. “If you need me, just call.” She rolled on her side, facing away from him. He wanted to crawl in beside her and take her in his arms, but she didn’t want him. He felt like he’d not only lost the baby, but he’d lost Jill, too.
Grace, Jack, and Matt were standing in the hall. They turned when he walked out of the room. Grace crossed to him and wrapped her arms around him. “Oh, Sawyer, I’m so very sorry.”
He held her for a minute and then pulled back and rubbed his eyes. “She won’t…She doesn’t want me, but she needs somebody. Go to her, Grace. Make her understand this wasn’t her fault. I don’t blame her.”
Her eyes filled, and she gave him another hug. “She knows that. She’s just hurting. We’re here for both of you. Whatever you need—”
“I need you to go to her, Grace,” he said.
“I’ll do that right now. It’s going to be okay, Sawyer. I promise it will,” she said before heading to Jill’s room.
Sawyer heard Grace trying to comfort Jill as the door closed behind her. His hands balled into fists at the sound of Jill crying. He squeezed his eyes shut and strong arms closed around him. “I’m here for you, buddy. We’ll get through this together. Whatever you need, you’ve got.”
He nodded as he pulled back from Jack’s embrace. “Thanks,” he said, his voice gruff. “I’ll be fine. It’s Jill I’m worried about.”
“So am I. But you’re hurting, too.”
“She doesn’t want to see me. I think I’ve lost her, Jack.”
Matt came to stand beside them and handed Sawyer a cup of coffee. “Give her time. It’s not uncommon for women who’ve miscarried to push the people they love away. On top of the grief, even to carry on a conversation can feel overwhelming. The next few days will be tough. Hormones will make it worse.”
“What can I say to stop her from blaming herself?” Sawyer asked Matt.
“It won’t matter what you say. It’s a natural reaction. And that’s about all you can keep telling her. Everything she’s feeling is natural and normal. But Jack’s right, you have a right to grieve, too.” He gave Sawyer’s shoulder a comforting squeeze. “Call me anytime if you need to talk. Jill can go home whenever she’s ready.”
“Okay. Thanks, doc,” Sawyer said, looking up when Grace came out of the room. She wouldn’t meet his eyes. “She doesn’t want to see me, does she?”
“She wants to be alone right now. I’m going to take her home and stay with her as long as she’ll let me. Why don’t you go home with Jack? Call her tomorrow.”
He called her every day, e-mailed and texted, too. When he couldn’t keep away any longer, he went to her apartment. She wouldn’t answer the door. He dropped off things he thought she needed, leaving them outside her door. They were always gone the next day. He tried to reach out to her through Grace, and Jack, but she’d cut them off, too.
Two weeks later, he couldn’t do it anymore and gave up.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Jill sat on the couch eating one of the blueberry scones Sawyer had left outside her door yesterday. It had been her birthday. She didn’t feel like celebrating then or now. Didn’t feel much like doing anything. Other than eating the scone. Surprising since she hadn’t felt like eating anything since she’d lost the baby. She waited for the tears and anger to come at the memory of that day. All she felt was…numb.
She supposed that was an improvement. Feeling nothing was better than dealing with the crippling emotions—the guilt and heartbreak—of the past two weeks. But somehow she had to find a way to move on. Or at the very least to pretend she was. She hadn’t been out of her apartment since the night Grace had brought her home. Hadn’t talked to anyone or responded to their texts or calls. She’d crawled inside herself and stayed there. But Gage would be understanding for only so long. She couldn’t afford to lose her job on top of everything else.
At t
he sound of someone knocking on her apartment door, she closed her eyes. She didn’t want to face Sawyer. Didn’t want to see the pain and confusion in his eyes. The accusation he’d tried to hide. Didn’t want to remember the days and nights they’d spent together. How close she’d come to having her dreams come true. The only thing that had been missing was his love.
Real love. True love.
He may have said the words, but he didn’t mean them. If he did, he would have told her the night he proposed. He’d had two chances. His second proposal had been more telling than the first. It had been all about the baby. And the baby was gone.
The pain hit her like a shot in the dark, leaving her gasping for air and her chest aching. And for the first time she acknowledged that her heartbreak was not only about losing the baby but for the loss of Sawyer as well. But she didn’t have a chance to fall apart because someone was knocking on her living room window. Her eyes shot open to see Ty standing on her deck with his hands cupped to the glass, peering in at her. His eyes bugged out behind his glasses before he covered his reaction to what she imagined was her sorry-ass self.
“Jilly Bean, I need your help. Nell’s going to ruin Cat and Grayson’s wedding,” he yelled through the window.
They weren’t getting married until the twenty-fourth, she thought with a frown. It couldn’t be…It was the twenty-fourth. She placed the scone on the coffee table and pushed to her feet, mentally preparing herself for Ty’s sympathy and condolences. It’s what she’d been avoiding. In the beginning, she’d tried to pretend the doctors were wrong. That her child was still safe and growing inside her. She’d held onto the fantasy as long as she could.
She opened the sliding door. “Are you crazy? You could have fallen and broken a leg.”