Zombie Rules

by Achord, David

  He responded calmly. “Drive straight ahead and make a right at the next street, be watching for me.” I clicked the talk button in acknowledgement as Julie and I got into the van. Fred emerged out of the front door of a house just as I turned and jumped in the passenger side. “There’s a whole passel of them.” He pointed down the street. “I never seen them group together like that before.” I looked, and sure enough there were twenty to thirty of them shambling along, slowly and steadily. They were in various states of dress and decomposition.

  I used an empty driveway to turn in, back up, and turn around. The sound and movement of the van apparently attracted them. A couple of them actually reached out as if to grab us, even though they were still half a block away. I began backtracking our way out of the neighborhood.

  “Fred, I got some theories about them, which means I’m doing a lot of guessing, but I think the cold weather slows them down. They’re moving like old ugly people.” Fred looked in the passenger mirror at the retreating forms. He nodded in agreement. My earlier assessment of Fred’s demeanor had not changed. He was quiet natured. Taciturn would be a good word to describe him.

  “Did you find the kid?” I looked in my rearview mirror at Julie. She was quiet as well, just sitting there staring at nothing in particular.

  “Everyone is gone except Trina. She believed Julie’s mom and Tommy may be headed toward Nashville. Macie might be with them as well.” I waited for an emotional outburst from him. Okay, I’m joking. Fred nodded, and then looked out the window as if we were out on a Sunday drive. “We have plenty of daylight left. I’d like to leave this neighborhood, cover a route toward Nashville, and see if we happen upon them. If, along the way, we see anything which we might be able to use, we’ll grab it.”

  He nodded. “What kind of car do you think they’re in?”

  Fred did not bother asking if I thought they were on foot. That’d be stupid with all of these zombies around. I answered his question. “One of the men, Chad, had a baby blue BMW four-door. It wasn’t in the garage and I didn’t see it parked on the street. That’s what I’m guessing.”

  “I’ll keep an eye out.” He said with heated emotion. Well okay, not really.

  We drove a route in which I assumed Janet might have driven in order to go to Nashville. The truth be told, there were multiple routes from Brentwood to Nashville. I just picked one and went with it. Julie did not know any better, Fred kept any opinion he had to himself.

  We encountered zombies here and there, aimlessly wandering the roadways. I drove around them while they moaned and reached for us.

  “Why do they walk along the roads?” Julie asked.

  “I’m guessing they’re merely following a path of least resistance, at least until they sense something edible.” I just discovered another zombie rule and made a mental note. “I don’t think they are communicating. More likely, they are randomly encountering each other and then stick together. A pack mentality type of behavior so to speak.” We either drove around them or, if we could not, we would turn down side streets. Fred agreed the best course of action for now would be to avoid them, if possible.

  There were a few houses on fire when we drove down Franklin Pike, multiple wrecked or burned cars, a few corpses. Occasionally we saw a pack of dogs roaming.

  “Those dogs could be dangerous when they get hungry enough, as if we don’t have enough to worry about.” I said, mostly to myself. Julie and Fred seemed to be in their own respective worlds. I knew what Julie was thinking about. I could only assume Fred was thinking about his daughter and the recent loss of his family.

  We did not see a single blue BMW anywhere. At one point, we passed a tow truck going the opposite direction. “Hey look! Live people.” I stopped the van and waved out of the window. I was kind of hoping they would stop too, and maybe we could make some new friends. There were two of them in it, an older man and woman. They did not even slow down and passed us by without even a wave. I grunted. Fred was so devastated he could not even speak.

  I eventually worked our way over to Harding Place. There were no less than three pharmacies at the intersection of Trousdale and Harding. Two of them had been burnt to the ground. The third one, a CVS store, was still mostly intact. The windows were broken out, and it was obvious it had been looted. I avoided some large potholes and stopped in the street.

  “There might be something left that we could use. What do you think Fred?” I asked.

  “Sure, let’s give it a look.” Julie stood guard outside while we cleared the interior. We slowly rounded each aisle one by one. Suddenly Fred gave a small hiss. I glanced over and he nodded at the next aisle over. I peeked through a crack in between the store fixtures. Then I saw it. It used to be a middle-aged man. He was wearing a white lab coat. I wondered if he was the store’s pharmacist. I held up one finger to Fred and pointed where the zombie was. I started edging closer when Fred gave another hiss. I looked back at him, wondering what was going on.

  He held up a finger and then gave a small grin. He stepped out into the main aisle and pulled his duster back with his left hand. He stood facing the aisle where the zombie was. He started whistling some unknown tune. I stifled a chuckle as the zombie started moaning. He slowly shambled out into the main aisle. Fred was standing with his feet spread apart.

  “Draw.” He said in that raspy voice of his, and then did something quite amazing. He drew his pistol with his right hand, shot the zombie pharmacist between the eyes, and then holstered the pistol before I even realized he had fired a shot. If I had blinked, I would have missed it.

  “Holy shit!” I exclaimed under my breath as the zombie fell to the ground. “That was incredible!” Fred winked. I edged around the zombie and we finished clearing the store. I trotted back to the front entrance. “All clear.” I said to Julie. “You want to look around and I’ll take watch?” She shook her head. She had not said more than one or two words since our encounter with Trina. I nodded and went back inside.

  The store had been severely looted, but it was not totally bare. I grabbed a shopping cart, found some plastic bags behind the counter and started in. The first place I headed was the birth control section. Sure enough, there were a dozen boxes of condoms left. Whoever had looted this place had emptied the store of all of the food products, beer, and pain medication, but there was still inventory on the shelves a competent survivalist could make use of. I loaded the condoms into a plastic bag and looked up to see Fred watching me.

  “Ah, to be young again. So, is there anything special you want, besides those I mean?” He asked.

  I smiled sheepishly and nodded. “Antibiotics. Are you familiar with any of them?”

  “A little bit, my mother-in-law was a nurse.” His voice caught a bit at her memory, but he recovered quickly. “I’ll head back into the pharmacy and concentrate my search there. Any particular brand name I should look for?”

  “Anything that ends in i-l-l-i-n, anything that starts with c-e-f or c-e-p-h, anything that ends in c-i-n…”

  He interrupted me. “Okay, okay, I got it.” He snapped his fingers. “I just thought of something. Without the government around, nobody is going to spray for mosquitos anymore. It’ll be like a jungle this summer. Find any and all bug repellent you can. I can’t think of anything else at the moment, but I’m sure you will. By the way, good idea about the birth control.” He grabbed a plastic bag and walked off without waiting for a response.

  Our looting ended with just one half-full shopping cart. There was nothing left. He was right about the mosquitos. They were responsible for more human deaths than any other animal, combined. I located several plastic spray bottles of repellent and took them all. When we finished, we left the pharmacy and continued on Harding. I was about to suggest heading back when suddenly Fred sat up.

  “There is a National Guard headquarters on Powell Avenue and Sidco Drive, not too far from here. A couple of gun stores are also nearby, and lots of businesses. We might find some good supplies.” I n
odded and proceeded ahead. There were indeed a plethora of businesses.

  We came upon the National Guard location first, or Houston Barracks as it was known. We had to stop about one hundred yards away. There were several bodies lying about. I stopped the van and we stared. “Lots of decomposition. They’re zombies, no doubt about it. I don’t see any are normal looking ones.”

  “It looks like they’ve all been shot all to hell.” Julie opined. She was right. Each zombie had multiple gunshot wounds.

  “A lot of wasted ammo.” Fred mused. He retrieved the binoculars and began scanning the various buildings. He handed the binoculars to Julie. “Your eyes are younger than mine. Look up at the roof of the largest building. I think I see little puffs of steam.”

  Julie looked. “You’re right. I see it too.” Julie looked at me. “What does it mean?”

  “It means the building is probably occupied.” I said. “The steam is coming from a vent stack for the heating units.” I pointed toward the scattered corpses. “They’re the ones who killed the zombies. It must be soldiers.”

  Julie handed the binoculars back to Fred. He did another scan. “I believe you’re right Zach. In fact, we have someone checking us out right now.”

  Chapter 24 - Houston Barracks

  After a moment, he lowered the binoculars and turned to us. “It looked like he called somebody. He’s got a walkie-talkie radio and he spoke into it for a spell.”

  “Let’s see if we can talk to them.” I tried CB channel nine and nineteen several times, but received no response. I grunted and retrieved a can of spray paint out of the van.

  “What are you doing Zach?” Julie asked me.

  “It’s a good time to introduce the rules.” I walked in front of the van about ten feet where there was a spot in the road not covered by zombies or gore. “Poor shooting discipline, wasted ammunition, a lack of knowledge of Zach’s Rules of Zombies. Time to help them out.”

  I gave the can a good shake and sprayed out all of my previous rules. Then I added a few more:

  RULE NUMBER 8: BURN THE CORPSES!

  RULE NUMBER 9: THEY HAVE A HERD MENTALITY.

  RULE NUMBER 10: THEY FOLLOW THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

  “Don’t forget to sign it.” Julie said. I smiled and added my trademark signature, a capital Z in block form.

  Julie watched me, and then turned to Fred. “Well Fred, did he watch Zach painting?”

  Fred lowered the binoculars. “Every word I believe. It looked like he read it out to his friends on the radio as well.” He looked over at me. “We can sit here and wait on them I suppose. Or we can try something else.” I looked at him questioningly. “I believe if we just get in the van and drive off, curiosity will get the better of them.”

  Julie frowned. “We’re not going to leave are we? They might know something about Tommy and mom.” I knew she would be even more upset if we left without trying to talk to these people.

  “Alright, I think Fred may be on to something. We have a dozen steaks sitting in the cooler, plus a grill.” We had been keeping the meat on ice, but they were going to turn rancid soon and we either needed to cook them or throw them out. “Let’s find somewhere nearby, but away from all of these corpses and fire up the grill. I’m willing to bet somebody will come check us out.”

  “Do we just sit here? Can’t we signal them somehow?” I gave her a shrug. She was getting impatient. I understood, but there was nothing any of us could do to alleviate that.

  Fred grunted. “Baby girl, they know we’re here. They might be a bit worried. They might believe we’re up to no good.” Fred took his hat off and scratched his head while looking at the buildings. “Of course, they could have a sniper in one of the windows about to shoot us.” He put his hat back on. “I wouldn’t try to go through their entry gate uninvited.” Fred made a good point.

  We were hungry, and we all agreed we did not want to eat while in close proximity to a bunch of stinking corpses. “There’s got to be somewhere close where we can set up.” I said as I carefully drove over the bodies. Every few seconds, there would be audible crunching noises. Occasionally I’d run over a head and there was a distinctive popping noise, like a watermelon exploding. Rick would have laughed in glee. I would have too if it was just him and me, but today I kept quiet and continued down Sidco Drive.

  In many places the bodies were stacked two and three deep. We travelled about a hundred feet before the roadway finally cleared. Fred suddenly straightened. “Let’s stop here. The parking lot is clear and the business might have some stuff we can use.” I looked at the business he was pointing at. It was a manufacturer for swimming pool heaters.

  “Okay, fine with me.” I looked in the backseat to see if Julie would object. She looked at me wistfully, but didn’t say anything. I drove in and circled the parking lot. The back gate was open, so I stopped in front of the building. “Uh, Fred, is there anything in particular we’re looking for?”

  Fred gave a slight nod. “Copper, and copper fittings. I told you I was an engineer. I got a few ideas.” He was animated now. No, not really. He just kind of dipped his head when he was talking about something he felt passionate about. “We’re going to build a greenhouse for you two, and I’m going to work on some modifications. We’ll need plumbing for irrigation.”

  “Oh.” I said, but I was a bit perplexed. There was a Home Depot approximately four blocks from us. Plenty of plumbing fittings there.

  Fred must have read my mind. He pointed back toward Houston Barracks. “We stop here in sight of them, they’ll come. You wait and see. Besides, I got a few more ideas as well. C’mon, let’s go inside and I’ll show you.” He turned back at Julie. “Baby girl, why don’t you set the grill up and get a fire going. I expect we’ll have company very soon.” He gave her a wink. “We’ll fill their bellies up and they’ll answer anything we ask them.” Julie understood the logic and smiled hopefully.

  We had no trouble prying open one of the bay doors. We waited a minute to see if the noise we made attracted anything. There was no response, so we went inside and spent the next ten minutes clearing the building of any possible zombies. We were fortunate. Not a single one.

  The business had various types of heavy machinery. There was no way we could haul any of it back in the van, we’d need to use a tractor trailer rig. But, there was a lot of material consisting of tubing, fittings, thermostats and plain sheets of copper in various gauges. Fred motioned me over and pointed.

  “We’ve got everything we need right here to make solar water heaters. The only power you’ll need is for the water pump, but we can incorporate solar panels, or even fashion a windmill for power.” And then Fred did something quite odd. He smiled. “We can make some really good stills too.”

  “You mean moonshine?” Fred nodded. “Do you drink a lot Fred?”

  “Seldom, if ever.” Now he gave me a wink. He was very emotional today. “I’m betting there are a lot of survivors who do though. Alcohol will be an excellent trading commodity.” I nodded and smiled in understanding. I had to hand it to him, this man was smart.

  “Besides, a still doesn’t have to be used only for alcohol. They make great water distillers as well.” He was right. A still could be used for a lot of things. I was about to enumerate a few dozen, and then thought better of it. Fred looked around and shrugged. “Are you getting hungry?” I nodded. “Me too. We can load up this stuff after lunch.”

  I agreed, and we went back to the parking lot and joined Julie. She had the grill going and had even found some chairs for us to sit in. She looked up as me as I approached “Do you think this will work?” She asked.

  I kissed her on the forehead and sat down. “I think so. Look.” I pointed. “You can see a couple of the upper floors of the tallest building. You can bet the soldier with the binoculars is watching us. I don’t think they’ll ignore us. They probably have to talk about it first, but eventually somebody will come to check us out. Probably a squad of four or five men. We’ll
talk to them, offer them some food, and most importantly, we’ll ask about Tommy.” I gave an encouraging smile. I hoped I was right.

  The steaks were just about cooked when Fred gave us a heads up. A Humvee loaded with five soldiers drove up. We waved. They stopped near the entrance about fifty feet away and got out casually. They were in military uniforms and all were armed with M-4 automatic assault rifles. I stood and waved again. Two of them tentatively waved back.

  I looked at my partners, shrugged, and walked over to our new guests. “Are you men hungry? We’ve got steaks and boiled corn. We only have water to drink, but it’s clean.” The smoke was carrying the aroma toward them and it could even be smelled over the lingering stench.

  The passenger looked to be in his mid-thirties. I could see the rank insignia affixed to his headgear, a silver rectangular bar, indicating he was a First Lieutenant. As I looked him over, he removed his hat and wiped his brow. His ebony black head was clean shaven. His features were sharp, chiseled. He reminded me of a track athlete. He was obviously the one in charge, but before he could speak, the driver interrupted.

  “What’s your name boy?” He demanded.

  Did he just call me boy? I looked him over. The name tag said Hart and his rank indicated he was a corporal. He was maybe twenty or twenty-one. He was a couple of inches shorter than me, maybe five-eleven. The loose fitting uniform made it difficult to tell how much he weighed, but nothing disguised his butt-ugly face. He had thick lips that were severely chapped, heavy lidded eyes, and a greasy face dotted with acne.

  “Knock it off Hart.” The lieutenant responded. He directed his attention to me. “I’m Lieutenant Ward. I’m in charge here.” He pointed at the other two. “These two are Privates Dawson and True.” They waved half-heartedly. “And this one is the never ending pain in my ass, also known as Corporal Leon Hart.”