Zombie Rules

by Achord, David

  The door locks! I suddenly remembered them, reached over, and hit the automatic lock button. How in the hell those zombies had not figured out how to open one of the doors was truly amazing, but I was thankful. If they had been successful, I would have been a goner for sure. The protective hardware cloth that Rick and I had mounted on the windows had sufficed, along with their limited brain functions.

  Another spark in the gray matter occurred and I remembered the granola bars stored in the console. I grabbed one and tore open the package hungrily. But, chewing was painful and difficult. Somewhere between the second and third bite, another neuron spark alerted me to the fact I had not come to this location by myself.

  Julie and Fred. Where were they?

  Shit. I had no idea.

  I slowly, arduously, twisted my body and made a 360 degree scan. No Fred. No Julie. Just a bunch of stinking zombies.

  How long had I been out? Were my friends dead? Did the zombies get them? Or maybe the soldiers rescued them? If it were the soldiers, were they safe inside Houston Barracks? Or were they prisoners?

  I spotted Leon lying on the ground. Or, should I say, I spotted what was left of Leon. It was not pretty. His face had been chewed almost completely off. He still had his nametag on his uniform in case you’re wondering how the hell I knew it was Leon, and it looked like his gastrointestinal tract was the repas du jour. I was not saddened by this. In fact, it kind of made me warm and fuzzy all over. Or maybe it was the urine soaking my pants. Whatever caused the feeling, Leon wasn’t going to be answering any of my questions. I silently scoffed. No military funeral for you - buddy.

  Anyway, I knew I had to get out of there. That was not the difficult part. The difficult part was going to be attempting to drive, and more importantly, what was my destination? Should I try to make it to Houston Barracks, or try to drive home? I could not answer myself. I think my brain was going to be riding the short bus for a little while. So, I did what anyone would do in my situation. I worked my way into the driver’s seat, started the truck, put it in gear, and let fate decide.

  *****

  Julie removed her tampon, replaced it with a fresh one, and quickly pulled her cargo pants back up. Fred had kept his back turned during this activity. “Okay, I’ve got it.” Fred turned now and grimaced. Julie scoffed. “You were married for over twenty years and have a daughter. Quit acting like it’s the first one you’ve ever touched.” She held it out for him.

  “I hate to break it to you under these circumstances, but in fact I’ve never seen a used one, I’ve never touched one, and I don’t believe I’ll touch that one either.” He looked at Julie with a smirk. “TMI?”

  “Smart ass.” Julie scoffed and peeked over the side of the building. The number of zombies had lessened considerably since yesterday, but there were still at least twenty of them around the building they were currently on top of.

  “Are you sure this is going to work?” She asked with more than a touch of concern in her voice.

  “I honestly do not know.” Fred replied. During the night he had worked loose a piece of steel rail from the HVAC unit. It was approximately six inches long, one inch wide, and had a few holes in it. Fred estimated its weight at about a quarter pound, heavy enough for him to be able to throw it several feet.

  He held it out while Julie gingerly fed the string of the tampon through one of the holes and tied a knot to secure it.

  “I see about twenty of them. Can’t we just shoot them?” Julie asked.

  Fred shook his head. “There are still plenty of them in the area and we’re low on ammo. Gunfire will attract them I’m thinking. Then we’ll be back in the same predicament.” He crooked his thumb toward the meandering zombies. “We’ve got to distract these somehow. I’m hoping they’ll hear the sound of the metal when it hits the concrete and walk over to inspect it. If they get a whiff of the blood, I’m betting they’ll start moaning and carrying on long enough to attract all of the others in the nearby area. If it works, they’ll forget about us for a minute or two, and it may buy enough time to get off of the building. If we’re successful, then I think we can make a run for it. The plan is, we’ll run from building to building. If we get some distance between us and the zombies, we’ll look for a car we might be able to use.”

  “How will we start it?” Julie asked.

  “Back in my younger years, I was known to hotwire a car or two. All we’ll need is a car with a good battery.” He winked at her. In truth he was not very optimistic, but there did not seem to be any other alternative.

  Julie started to nod in agreement. She suddenly cocked her head. “Do you hear that?” Fred cocked his head as well. It was the sound of rumbling exhaust pipes. “That’s the truck. I’d recognize that sound anywhere.” Julie climbed up on the HVAC unit and squinted toward the roadblock where the truck was parked. Fred decided it’d be easier to use the scope of his rifle. “Is it Zach?”

  “It could be, but it’s hard to tell. Somebody is definitely in the truck, and they’re driving in our direction.” Fred whispered. He continued watching for several seconds. He looked up at Julie. “Get down from there. This might be the chance we need and we’ve got to be ready to act quickly.”

  The truck moved slowly, less than ten miles-per-hour. When it was within fifty yards, Fred tossed the piece of steel, with its bloody attachment, over the back of the building. It hit the ground with a distinct metallic clank. There was no response for a moment, and then the moaning intensified. He peeked over the roof and nodded at Julie.

  “Alright, most of them have taken the bait. Let’s go.” They quickly ran to the front of the building. Fred held Julie by the hands and lowered her as far as he could and then let go. She dropped the remaining few feet and landed deftly. He then dropped the rifles to her. Here’s the hard part, he thought. He draped his torso over the side, hung from his hands, and dropped. The problem was, the drop was still several feet down. Fred landed hard.

  Julie helped him to his feet. “Are you okay?” She asked anxiously. Fred could only nod. He, in fact, felt like he’d just been thrown off of a horse. “Here comes Zach, c’mon!” Fred looked up as the truck slowly approached. The problem was, there were zombies closely following.

  Their first act was to run in front of the oncoming truck and wave their arms. When they were almost run over they realized Zach probably was not thinking straight.

  “Zach! What the fuck!” Julie shouted.

  “Jump in the back!” Fred yelled as the truck passed by. Julie did so with ease. Fred was a bit more awkward, but managed to get in without any additional damage. Julie tried yelling at Zach again, to no avail. Fred peered in. “He looks like he has a head injury. He’s probably punch drunk. Keep yelling his name.” Julie nodded and the two of them banged on the roof while shouting Zach’s name.

  *****

  As I drove, I kept thinking the engine was going bad. I had not driven very far when I started hearing loud banging noises. And the damn radio was blasting. I reached over and turned it off, or at least I tried to. Try as I might, I could not get the noise to stop.

  Then it dawned on me. Those noises were not coming from the radio. Someone was shouting my name. I stared hard out of the wire covered windows, but all I saw were zombies. It was a good thing I had locked my doors, because one of them was trying to open my driver’s door. Damn. I was going to have to write it down in my list of zombie rules when I got home.

  I alternated between watching where I was going and peering through the rearview mirror at two zombies who had somehow gotten in the bed of my truck, which was also strange. I was certain zombies were no longer capable of higher functions. And furthermore, they were the ones who were yelling my name. One of them, a girl, was actually cussing at me.

  I stopped the truck suddenly at the sudden realization. Zombies couldn’t talk! It was all so weird. I watched as the male zombie suddenly turned around. He raised his rifle and began shooting other zombies. The female was telling me to unlock
the doors. She sure did look familiar. Then it hit me. It was Fred and Julie. Just to make sure, I waved.

  “Goddammit Zach, open the fucking doors before we get killed!” Well, she didn’t have to be so mean. I pushed the unlock button. The two of them jumped in and shut the doors. Or tried to. A zombie had wedged himself in the open door and was trying to attack Fred.

  “Zach, hit the gas!” Fred yelled. I did as he ordered. Fred kicked at the zombie and he fell. There was a thump as I ran over him. I cackled. Fred shut the door and looked over at me.

  “Should I lock the doors or will that cause you two to cuss at me again?” Julie looked at my blood encrusted head and her mouth fell open.

  “Oh my God, Zach.” She gingerly touched the side of my head. “You’ve been shot!”

  “You know, I think that’s why I don’t feel so good.” It was about all I could think of as a clever response.

  Fred took charge. “C’mon Zach, let’s get you moved over. I’ll drive and Julie will fix you up.” I went along, but I’m not sure what they did next, because I think I passed out again.

  Chapter 36 – Reunited and it Feels so Good?

  I woke up lying in my bed. Curly was lying beside me. When he saw my eyes open his tail began thumping the bed happily. I rewarded him with a scratch behind his ears. With some effort, I was able to sit up and get a good look at myself in the dresser mirror. I looked awful. There was enough gauze wrapped around my head to make me look like a mummy. I touched the right side of my head gingerly. I was just about to apply pressure when my thoughts were interrupted.

  “How is that hard head of yours?” I looked in the open doorway and saw Julie. She was smiling nervously, but otherwise looked great.

  It took a moment before I could formulate an answer. “I think I’d describe it as a dull ache, and there is a constant ringing in my right ear. How long have I been out?”

  “About eight hours.” She said. I nodded gently, but gratefully. If I had been out any longer, and without professional medical care, my chances of living would have been very slim. It’s not like those cheesy action movies where someone is comatose for days at a time and then miraculously recovers.

  Julie sat on the bed beside me and carefully kissed me on the cheek. “So, be honest with me, do I have a bullet in my brain?” I asked.

  Julie shook her head and held my hand. “It looked like just a graze.” It sure did not feel like a graze, it felt like someone had hit me with a sledge hammer. “Do you remember what happened?” She asked.

  I recounted the events as accurately as I could. As I spoke, I realized my speech was clear and my memory seemed to be intact. The telltale signs of brain damage did not seem to be present, which was good. “The last thing I remembered was getting inside the truck and suddenly there were a lot of zombies everywhere. I must have blacked out then, because my next conscious thought was seeing you and Fred.”

  Julie nodded. “There was a large amount of blood in the truck. It’s only a miracle you did not bleed out and die. We got your wound cleaned up pretty good. Fred said there was no penetration of the gunshot, and he thinks if there is a fracture it is very minor. Still, you’re not out of the woods yet.” She moved closer and stuck a thermometer in my mouth. “I read that I need to check your pupils for proper dilation.” I nodded and followed her instructions as she flashed a penlight into each eye. She then checked my grip strength and tapped my knees. I was impressed.

  After a minute she checked the thermometer. “You’re right at a hundred degrees.” She looked at me with concern. “Everything seems okay Zach, but I’m not a doctor. Is there anything else I should check?”

  I gave her a crooked smile. “I think you’ve done fine Nurse Good-Body.”

  She looked like she was about to give a sassy retort, stopped, and smiled patiently at me.

  “You must be hungry. How about some soup?” I nodded. I was hungry. Thirsty too. “I’m afraid I have some more news. Some of it is not very good.”

  My bladder was begging in protest, but I held off for a minute. I had to hear what was wrong. “What is it? Is Fred alright?”

  She squeezed my hand. I think she was telling me to shut up and let her talk. “Fred is fine. After we got you fixed up, he went around taking care of the chores. That included checking the traps.” I realized Moe and Larry were missing and had a sinking feeling.

  “We got one coyote, and Larry got caught in another one. Fred had to put him down. We don’t know where Moe is.” Curly must have sensed what we were talking about. He let out a small whimper and nudged his head under my hand. “There’s more. When we were driving home, we encountered somebody.”

  “Who?” I asked. I did not have to wait long for an answer. Macie heard her cue and appeared in the doorway.

  “Hello Zach.” She said quietly.

  I eyed her warily as Julie filled me in. It was obvious that she had not had it easy. She was practically emaciated, but freshly bathed. Her blonde hair was a darker shade now, but was still pretty, especially with it glistening in the light. She was wearing a plain tee shirt. Her pregnancy bulge was more pronounced than the last time I saw her. “She was walking along the road toting an oversize suitcase.” Julie leaned closer. “Zach, we couldn’t just leave her. There were zombies everywhere.”

  I looked at Macie and cocked an eyebrow. “Well, one thing is for sure. We now have extra dog food on hand, so she’ll have plenty to eat.”

  “Zach!” Julie was aghast. There were many emotions swirling in my head, but aghast was not one of them. I pushed the covers aside, ignoring the fact I was naked. Standing was not as hard as I thought it would be, but it still intensified the headache. The two women watched me with their mouths open as I walked somewhat stiffly to the bathroom.

  Julie attempted to follow me and knocked on the door as soon as I shut it. “May I have some privacy please?” I asked plaintively.

  “Are you okay?” She asked. I stifled a smart assed retort.

  “I’m fine. I’ll be out shortly.” I guess she understood. After emptying my bladder, it seemed like it took an hour, I decided on a bath. There was some hot water left, so I filled the tub with roughly two inches of water and enjoyed a nice lukewarm bath while I tried to calm down and clear my thoughts.

  So Macie was here now. I had occasionally, well more like often, wondered if I would ever see her again. I tried to think it all out, but my head was just not cooperating. I knew I could not, and would not, order her to leave. She could stay with Fred I supposed, but it seemed to me Julie already made the decision she was going to stay with us. When I realized I was doing nothing but confusing myself trying to think it all through, I got out of the bath.

  I managed to brush my teeth and get some fresh clothes on without too much discomfort. As long as I went slowly, my head did not throb very much. I watched myself in the mirror as I stuck my tongue out and moved it from side to side, and then up and down. My analysis was my tongue was in working order, which was somewhat of an indicator I had not suffered any kind of stroke or seizure after being shot. The headache may be an indicator otherwise, but I was optimistic. I wolfed down several ibuprofen tablets before joining everyone in the kitchen. The dinner table conversation was quiet, maybe even a bit tense.

  Fred broke the silence by recapping me on the events that transpired when I got shot. He pointed at Julie with his spoon. “Two of those soldiers caught Julie. I was on the roof about the time you got shot. Then the zombies came a-calling.” He filled me in on what they did next. Everyone chuckled when he stammered through the tampon idea. “Anyway,” he said in an effort to stop talking about girl stuff. “We spotted you and got back into the safety of the truck. Zombies were everywhere Zach.”

  “Did you get a good count?” I asked. “How about their level of decomposition?”

  Fred shook his head as he finished up his soup. “There were at least a thousand of them, maybe more.” He waved with the spoon. “I know you’re going to ask me a dozen question
s about them. Let’s see if I can answer. They moaned a lot. It seemed like if one moaned it would cause all of them to moan. They were loud, so at least if there is a big pack of them wandering around we should be able to hear them coming well in advance. And the smell, they smell really bad.” He set his spoon down and drummed the tabletop with his fingers. “I was unable to get a good visual examination of them, but I’d say most, if not all of them, were in an advanced state of decomposition. I didn’t see anyone that looked fresh. Did you Julie?”

  Julie shook her head. “All I know is they stank and all of the moaning was very irritating.”

  Fred nodded. “A thousand rotting zombies definitely emit a foul odor. If we’re down wind of them we’ll know.” Fred snapped his fingers. “Oh, here’s something rather interesting. They couldn’t figure out how to use the ladder to get to us, but at least some of them still had enough of their brain working to realize we were on that roof, even though they had not actually seen us in several hours. The trick with the tampon confirms they’re attracted to sound and smell.” Fred was silent for a moment while I jotted down everything on my note pad. He ate his soup and watched until I got caught up before continuing.

  “It appeared as though they didn’t merely crawl over the roadblock. The sheer inertia of all of them pushing each other forward propelled them over and through it.” He frowned a little. “So, I think a big question has to be: what made a thousand zombies decide to leave the downtown Nashville area and walk en masse down Fourth Avenue. They continued down Fourth, across the railroad tracks which is where Fourth changes into Nolensville Pike, past the old fairgrounds, across I-440, and on down Nolensville to the roadblock. I’ve no idea what caused it, but they came out in droves.”