by K. A. Linde
“I used to come out here when I was in high school and watch the sunrise from the beach. I still drive out here sometimes when I need to think. It’s always been my place of solace. I thought it could be yours, too.”
I just stared at him. Who is this man? When I had first met him, all I’d seen was what was on the outside—playboy, manwhore, drunk, asshole, misogynist, rocker. But this Grant, the one he didn’t show to the rest of the world, was so much more than that.
“You hate it?”
“No! I love it,” I said quickly. “You’re just…not what you seem.”
“I would generally disagree with that.”
“How many people have you brought to the beach?”
Grant kissed me softly. “One.”
“Why are you sharing this with me?” I couldn’t help asking.
He shrugged and looked sincerely concerned about the question. It was clear that he hadn’t really thought about it, and now that he was, he wasn’t sure about the answer. “You make me want to share everything with you, Ari.”
“I didn’t do anything.”
He smiled down at me and led me out into the sand without a reply. He spread out a blanket for us to sit on and then wrapped us up in a few more as we huddled together.
After a few minutes of silence, Grant spoke up again, “You did everything.”
“What?”
“I don’t know how to explain it. When I’m with you, I don’t feel anything.”
I turned to glare at him. Is that supposed to be encouraging?
“No, not like that. I’m bad at this. I’m not a good guy. I’ve never cared about anything. The only thing that made me feel was adrenaline—my motorcycle, the band, the girls. They were a temporary fix on my permanent lack of caring for anything and everything.”
“You care about the band…and the guys.”
“I know. I don’t mean, I don’t care about them. I guess I mean, I don’t care about me—at least…I didn’t until you.”
Our fingers laced together, and we sat in the silence of his confession until the sun first broke the surface. Orange and pink rays cut across the early morning sky, and then we were kissing. My fingers tangled in his hair as his hands laid me back on the blanket. Our breaths came out short and frantic as we grappled with the rising emotions flooding our bodies.
“Ari, I want you,” he groaned into my ear.
I responded by pressing myself against him. I wanted him, too. Dear Lord, I’d never felt such fire coursing through me.
Wasting no time, Grant found the waistline of my pants, and he began tugging them down my body. I heard the zipper on his jeans, and suddenly, he was free of the restricting material and pushing us together, skin-to-skin. My body arched as he slid up and down against me. His tip touched my opening, and I squirmed, wanting it so desperately but knowing deep down that I should tell him.
Grant felt me tense, and he retreated. “I have a condom,” he said, assuming that was my concern.
“I’m sorry,” I said, scooting backward, away from him. “I just…I, um…” Fuck, I don’t know how to do this. “I’m sorry. I just never thought my first time would be outside…on the ground…in the freezing cold.”
“First time?”
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I quickly straightened myself up and took two steps back in the sand. Why the fuck didn’t I see this coming? Why the fuck didn’t I see all the signs? I’d assumed her innocence had something to do with bad experiences with other guys. I’d thought I could crack open the shell encasing her. I’d thought that she would see that it was okay to be with me.
But fuck…
Virgin?
That was a four-letter word in my vocabulary. Most dudes liked virgins. They got off on the idea of taking someone’s purity, claiming her innocence. Not me. Not ever.
Ari’s eyes were wide as she stared up at me expectantly. And I had no fucking clue what to do. Instincts told me to back away slowly and then get the hell out of here. This was a shitty situation. I’d fucked dozens and dozens of girls. I shouldn’t be the one to take this from her.
“I should have told you earlier,” she said, tugging her clothes back on. She stood and crossed her arms over her chest.
“Why didn’t you?” I demanded.
Her hurricane eyes clouded over. “I wasn’t going to tell you at first because I didn’t think we would end up here. Then, the further and further we progressed in…whatever this is, I just couldn’t force the words out.”
“You should have told me.” For some reason, it was the only thing I could think about. “Do you know how many times I’ve tried to have sex with you, and you could have easily told me?”
“Yes!” she cried. “Yes, I know. I know. I’m sorry, Grant.”
I couldn’t believe we were arguing about this. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I should have been fucking ecstatic that Ari wanted to have sex with me and that she was being honest with me. It fucking meant that I could have her just like I’d been wanting since day one. But I kept pushing that thought away, and instead, I focused on the fact that I would have to start from square one.
It would be awkward, uncomfortable, and even painful for her. Would she cry? Would I hurt her? Christ, I’d never once cared enough about a girl to wonder if I was going to hurt her.
“I feel like an idiot…like I should have known.”
“What? Should I have had virgin stamped on my forehead or something?”
I could tell she was getting irritated, but I couldn’t get a grasp on it.
“Get it fucking tattooed to your forehead. That would have been a better indicator.”
“Well, sorry!” she snapped. “I didn’t think I’d be in this condition forever.”
“How have you been in this condition for this long?”
“I’m nineteen!”
“I had sex at fifteen!”
“I’m not a whore!” she screamed back in my face.
“Babe, please, I prefer manwhore.”
She angrily ground her teeth together. “You’re such an asshole.”
I couldn’t keep it together. I was fucking it all up, but I couldn’t stop. Would I have continued to pursue her? In the beginning, no. After I’d gotten to know her…I didn’t know.
Yes.
I hadn’t lied when I said Ari made me stop feeling. She made me stop feeling the pain. She helped push back the memories. She helped focus me. Fuck, she makes me a better person. And I thought, in turn, I fucking made her a better person. She might be perfect on the outside, but I’d expanded her universe.
I wanted to tell her all of this, to drop down to my knees in the sand and let her know everything I was feeling. Instead, I just stood there, letting my frustration get the better of me.
“And you know what? Since you’re so set on being a manwhore,” she spat the word back at me, “it’s probably in my best interest not to sleep with you. It’s not like this is anything like a relationship. I’m sure you’ve been fucking everything that walks when we haven’t been together anyway!”
I fucking exploded. I couldn’t let her think that. “Ari, I haven’t been with anyone else since the day we fucking met!”
“What?” she asked, stunned.
“Yeah. You ruined me.”
“But you were gone for a week, and the guys made it seem like—”
“I lied!” I blubbered on. “I fucking lied to them. I’ve been lying to them since we met because I didn’t want to look like a pussy.”
She stared at me in shock. “You really haven’t been with anyone else…since September?”
“Damn, Ari, I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve wanted to get laid something fierce. Blue balls and I have gotten comfortable together. I haven’t gone this long without sex since…ever.”
“Well, that’s reassuring.”
I let the words tumble out of my mouth—everything I’d been holding back, everything I should have said to begin with instead of fucking freaki
ng out on her for being a virgin.
“But that’s the thing. Virgin or not, I’ve waited this long for you. I can keep waiting for you.”
“Grant…” she said, releasing some of her anger with a sigh.
“I’m not going to fuck it up, Ari. I’m no fucking good at this. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never been a…boyfriend. But ever since the first time we met, I haven’t been able to get you out of my head, and I’m not about to start now.”
“Grant McDermott, did you just call yourself my boyfriend?” Ari whispered.
I tugged the dog tags over my head and then closed the distance between us. “Princess, you haven’t figured that out by now?”
She took in a deep shuddering breath. “I didn’t want to assume anything.”
“Assume away.”
I placed the dog tags around her neck. She fingered them loosely in her hand. Her mouth was open slightly in surprise.
“Now, everyone else will, too.”
“Where the hell did you go this morning?” Cheyenne asked when I finally made it back to my place.
I still had an hour before my first class, but I knew there was no way I would be going back to sleep.
“Uh…” The words stalled on my tongue. I’d been so secretive about everything with Grant up until this point that it felt strange to be able to just freely divulge what had happened. It was kind of…exciting. “Grant picked me up.”
“At five in the morning?”
“He drove us down the shore, and we watched the sunrise.”
Cheyenne just stood there with her eyes narrowed. Her fiery red curls had been tamed, but she still always had this slightly manic appearance. Maybe it was just because I knew she was crazy.
“Grant McDermott?”
At that moment, Gabi walked in with a yawn. “Why are you guys so loud? Wasn’t the five a.m. wake-up call enough?”
“Aribel is trying to tell me that Grant McDermott picked her up at five o’clock in the morning just to drive her down the shore to see the sunrise.”
“That’s so romantic!” Gabi gushed.
“It sounds like bullshit to me. That doesn’t sound like Grant at all.”
“Well, I’ve never been particularly romantic, so I don’t think I’d make it up,” I told her flatly.
“Cheyenne, the yelling,” Shelby called, stumbling into the living room and collapsing on the couch.
“Did you hear?”
“How could I not?” Shelby grumbled.
I crossed my arms and waited for them to shut up. I knew it had been completely unlike Grant to do anything like that. He had been the first person to admit that, but it had still happened. “Are you through?” I asked, cutting off whatever Cheyenne was about to say to Shelby.
“Wait, you’re serious?”
“Pretty serious.” I held up the dog tags still hanging around my neck. “I’d say he’s my boyfriend.”
All three girls went silent, their eyes fixed on the dog tags. I was pretty sure I’d just shocked the shit out of them. Then again, the entire thing had surprised me. I definitely hadn’t thought that this would happen after almost having sex, admitting I was a virgin, and then arguing about it almost to the point of no return.
Grant McDermott is my boyfriend. I had to mull it over for a bit to get used to that thought.
“You’re dating Grant McDermott?” Gabi said to break the silence.
“Um…yeah. Well, we’ve been dating since September, but I guess it’s official now.” I shrugged.
Cheyenne blinked away her shock. “Girl, I’m excited for you. I’m just…wow. How did this happen?”
“We almost had sex.”
“You haven’t had sex?” Cheyenne gasped.
“Cheyenne,” I said, rolling my eyes.
“To her credit, Aribel,” Shelby said, “it has been months. Grant isn’t known to keep it in his pants for more than a few hours.”
“He hasn’t been with anyone else since we started talking.”
The disbelieving stares I received were enough to make my stomach flop. He wouldn’t lie to me about that, would he?
Cheyenne glanced at the other girls and then back at me. “I don’t want to be a Debbie Downer or anything. If Grant is your boyfriend and you want it, then I’m ecstatic…”
“But?”
“But he does have a reputation, Aribel.”
Shelby jumped in, “We just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Well, this is going great. “I know his reputation, considering I was the only one in this household who didn’t fall head over heels every time he walked into the room. Maybe you remember that the first time I met him, I drugged him to try to get him to stay away from me. You were the ones pushing me toward him. I know you don’t want me to get hurt, but you can’t just get all concerned BFF when it actually works out.”
Cheyenne sighed. “Well, I just have one question.”
“What?”
“Does this mean I get to see more of Vin?”
We all broke down into giggles.
“Yes, I’m sure it means that.”
We spent the rest of the time talking about the upcoming ski trip. I was really ready to just get through finals so that we could get away. I loved school, and I worked hard, but I’d never really had something like this to look forward to. I always just jetted off back to Boston to see my family.
Cheyenne, of course, was making it a much bigger event than just the four of us traveling up to the Poconos with Grant and the band. From the sounds of it, she had invited everyone that she knew whether they liked ContraBand’s music or not. I didn’t really care as long as Grant and the girls were going to be there.
I made it to calculus just in time. Grant’s dog tags jangled as I found the last available seat. We had a pop quiz, and after hearing everyone’s reactions, I seemed to be the only person prepared for it.
Soon, I was rushing to the chemistry building, ready to turn in my lab work before the final. I set my assignment down on the desk at the front of the room, and then I made my way to my regular seat.
Kristin took the seat next to me and then started messing around on her laptop. She had been acting strange toward me ever since I’d freaked out on her about Grant and I not having sex. Kristin and I weren’t close to begin with, but we did have mutual friends, and I didn’t want it to be awkward at the ski lodge.
“Cheyenne was telling me that you’re coming to the ContraBand show in the Poconos!” I was terrible with false enthusiasm, but I was trying.
“Yep.”
“Have you ever been skiing before?”
“Once.”
Seriously? One word replies? I took a deep breath. “That’s great. I’m rooming with the girls. Are you rooming with your friend Kimberly?”
Kristin shot me a disbelieving look. “You’re not staying with Grant?”
I fiddled with his dog tags, and her eyes were instantly drawn to them.
“Oh, no, he’s staying with the guys.”
“Huh. Yeah, I’m staying with Kimberly, Tina, and Jodi. We’re really looking forward to it actually. ContraBand has never played a venue this big before. Did you know that?”
I shook my head. Well, now, she’s talkative.
“Yeah. They played a show in the city that was pretty big, but the music festival is by far the biggest lineup. They’ll get to hang out with other celebrities. They could even get picked up there. It’s a great opportunity. I mean, I’d be sad if they had to tour the country, but it would be worth it. They’re so amazing.”
Tour the country? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. They had been picked up on a whim for the Poconos music festival when someone saw them at the Halloween show, and that show had only happened because another band had dropped out of the lineup.
No need to jump too many steps forward. I’d just gotten Grant. I didn’t want him to leave to tour the country. I knew what the groupies were like here. I couldn’t imagine how much worse they’d be if Co
ntraBand got signed.
Good Lord, Cheyenne’s pity warnings are getting to me. Grant and I had been official for less than three hours, and I was already doubting everything.
The week of Thanksgiving, Ari left to visit her family in Boston. I spent the time with my guitar.
Music lifted me up, tore me open, infused others with my very being, and then healed all our wounds. It had been for a very long time what made my world tick
But I’d never been a particularly good lyricist. I knew what I wanted to say, but that would never translate to what I actually wrote. When Miller wrote songs, they had a life force, a beating heart, an inherent energy. Yet, when I sat down to try to make that happen, I would end up tossing out more pieces of paper than were left in the notebook.
All of a sudden, I couldn’t shut my brain off. The voices were there, incessantly calling for me to give them meaning. Every time I ignored them, they would come back full force until it was all I could do to get the words down.
When I handed the sheets of paper to Miller on our first day back to rehearsal, he looked at me like I was mental.
“Who’d you steal this from?”
“Your mother.”
“And here I thought you reserved Mom jokes for Vin.”
“I’m happy Grant is banging someone else’s Mom for once,” Vin chimed in.
“You know, I always give preference to Italian pussy.” I smacked Vin on the arm and retreated to my guitar stand.
“Sounds like you’re only giving preference to a certain pussy lately,” Vin said.
I shrugged and slung my baby over my head. “And?”
“And…” Vin glanced at Miller and McAvoy for support.
Miller just ignored him, and McAvoy looked half-baked in the back of the garage.
“Bro, you’re a fucking king, a fucking legend. You’ve bagged more chicks than anyone else. Your reputation is fucking off the charts. What the fuck are people going to say if you give all that up for some bitch?”
“Vin,” Miller warned.
I didn’t know what happened. I just reacted. I grabbed Vin by the front of his shirt and threw him into the nearest wall. “I’m going to fucking tell them to mind their own fucking business.”