Preservation

by Rachael Wade

  “Ryan...”

  “Ssshhhh. Steady, baby.”

  When my breathing began to even out, he sank two wet fingers inside of me and pushed in then out, craning his head back to watch me as I cried out, orgasming more intensely than ever before. The sensation washed over my body and anchored me to the bed, and all I could see was the flicker in his eyes; the stripped, bare desire looming in them.

  “Mmm that’s what I wanted.” His ragged breath danced across my mouth, his nails digging into my ribs. He shifted and began to thrust inside of me, full and deep. “Come on baby, come on.” I cried out harder and he rocked into me, kneading his fingers into my hair, pulling me tighter and tighter against his chest. His panting synced with mine, meeting my sighs with strangled gasps and guttural groans, our bodies moving in unison against the cool sheets.

  My back arched off the bed and his breath quickened, driving harder into me until I threw my head back with complete abandon. I could feel him swelling inside of me, getting close, grabbing the headboard with one hand for leverage. “Ahhh, Kate...fuck...” Seconds later we found our release together, sending the room into a dizzying spin. He collapsed on top of me and rolled sideways, tossing an arm over his forehead with an exhausted sigh.

  Turning to face one another, we stared in silence, shadows floating in from the window’s moonlight, dancing across our faces. I traced the shapes and patterns over his cheeks and neck, following them with soft kisses.

  “What is it about you?” he whispered, the saddest smile drifting from one corner of his mouth to the other.

  I ran my index finger over his lips and down under his chin, settling at the hollow of his throat. “You’re not what they’re all saying you are, are you?”

  “That’s your gift in your work. Perception.”

  I smiled curiously, propping myself up to give him my full attention.

  “Perception, instinct. It’s a part of who you are, why I feel I know you so well. That’s what comes through in your writing. It’s the only explanation for why you’re here with me right now.” Letting his hand drift over my hip, he pulled the sheet up to cover my skin. “What do you see when you look at me?”

  My eyes narrowed and I pressed my lips together, weighing my thoughts. All of his bimbo admirers aside, what did I see? What did my gut tell me about this man? What did it say that allowed me to wind up here with him, under such impulsive circumstances?

  “You’re a sad man,” I swallowed. “You’re arrogant and set in your ways, but that creates a fortress for you. It’s your safe haven. Behind the moat is someone who has lost something he loved, only I’m not sure what, or who. You’re afraid of something and your loyalty is hidden away in a cell, wounded by betrayal.” I rested my head on the pillow. “That’s what I see.”

  “On second thought,” he exhaled, letting his head drop next to mine. “You’re psychic.”

  “Tell me.”

  “What do you want to know?”

  “Everything.”

  “There’s a lot to tell.”

  “Start with the basics.”

  “Alisha was my girlfriend. We broke up a few months ago and it’s been off and on again for a while. She called it off for good just recently, but apparently she felt like coming around today. I tried my damndest to make things work, but she wouldn’t let me forget the mistakes I made, who I was before her. Eventually I gave her what she was looking for. I returned to my old ways and burned her, very deliberately. I really fucked up, Kate.”

  “Who were you? Before her?”

  “A sad man who’d lost something he loved. Only I used that as an excuse to get away with selfish behavior, taking down anyone and everyone with me, any way I could.”

  “At least you can admit it. I can’t do that. I just live in denial and go on as I please.”

  “No, I’m just a coward. I didn’t fight, just handed over my love and then gave up.”

  Pulling the sheet higher up my body, I reached over to hold his hand. “What did you lose?”

  “A dream. My passion. For something that was never real to begin with.”

  Squeezing his hand tighter, I could hear the pain and defeat in his voice. Before I opened my mouth to respond, the sound of the front doorknob turning jolted me upward, my stomach dropping when I heard Carter’s voice.

  Whispering loudly, he called out for me. “Kate? Sorry I’m late, but I’m here.”

  8. DISCIPLINE

  “Who is it?” Ryan whispered when he saw the panic wash my face.

  “A friend. Hurry, get dressed,” I flew out of bed and grabbed my clothes from the floor, dashing into the bathroom. When I came out, Ryan was standing there still shirtless, in all of his taut, chiseled glory, zipping up his pants, right when Carter wandered into the tiny bedroom. It was way too tiny to house the three of us.

  “Carter,” my voice was still a whisper, my eyes glued to his crushed expression. Ryan glanced between the two of us and leaned down to grab his shirt.

  “Sorry, I’ll leave you two...” he mumbled, reaching for his jacket.

  “Don’t bother,” Carter turned for the door. “I’m such an idiot,” he dropped an envelope on the counter and stepped out.

  “Carter!” I raced after him barefoot, chasing him to the elevator. “Wait a minute, will you just wait?”

  “I think it’s safe to say this is a really bad time, Kate.” He wouldn’t look at me, just kept jamming the elevator button. “I tried calling your cell but your phone was off. Sorry I came over.”

  “We need to talk, Carter. Come on, don’t just take off like this. You haven’t spoken to me in weeks.”

  “I can’t believe you did this, Kate. I just can’t believe...” He hung his head when the elevator bell sounded, the doors opening wide. “I just never thought...not you.”

  “Not me, what. Just say it. You want to lecture me? You’re pissed, fine. So go on and say it.”

  “I never thought you’d be so stupid to fall for his bullshit.” He moved into the elevator and hit a button. “Whatever. It’s your funeral.” The doors slid and covered him, leaving me standing in the hall, listening to their low hum. I’d run my best friend off. I’d let him down and crushed him in a matter of seconds. I’d wanted Carter to back off, didn’t want to feel burdened because of his feelings for me, the ones that weren’t mutual. Now I’d really made sure he’d back off.

  “Do you want me to go?” Ryan asked quietly when I returned to the apartment. He sat on the edge of the bed, putting his shoes on.

  “No, it’s fine. He’s just...” I stood at the bedroom doorway, crossed my arms.

  “I’ve seen him with you before. You’re together.”

  “No, we’re not. Just friends.”

  “With benefits.”

  “Nope. Not at all.”

  “Well, he’s got it bad. Can’t blame him.”

  “That’s what he says. Shit.” I leaned my head back against the side of the door frame. “Sorry...about that.”

  “I think what you just went through with Alisha today was far worse.” Ryan stood and came to me, gently rubbed my forearm. “I better go. He’s right about me, you know. When you find out who I am, you’ll realize you deserve better. Much better.”

  “I thought we just talked about this,” I reached out and anchored myself to him, wrapping my arms tight around his neck. “It’s who you were, not who you are.”

  “If you’re not kicking me out, we should talk...about everything.”

  I led him to the couch and we both sat down, ready to face the inevitable.

  “I won’t drop your class.”

  “Please, Kate. I can’t stay away from you now. I’m a goner.” He reached over to pull me onto his lap. “But I don’t want to be that asshole professor anymore.”

  “You’re not to me. So, who cares what the rest of them think?”

  A distant gaze settled on his face, his brow furrowed.

  I took his face in my hands. “You’re not to me. I won’t
think that of you, so just remove that from the equation right now.”

  “My reputation is already shot to hell. I don’t need more rumors going around, and I’ll be far too distracted.” He lightened up a bit, turning to pull on my earlobe with his teeth, coaxing goose bumps up on the back of my neck .

  “It’ll cause even more rumors if I drop your class. And now that Carter and Dean know...”

  “Who’s Dean?”

  “Another good friend of mine. He’s tight with Carter and he’s the one who told Carter all about you in the first place. Not that they’re the type of guys to run their mouths, but it still makes me uneasy.”

  “He did, did he?” His lips set into a frown. “Well I already swore to Alisha that you dropped my class, that you weren’t my student. It was the only thing I could think of to try to mollify her after she saw us together. She dumped me, so I don’t see how she thinks it’s any of her business anyway.”

  “You what?” I leaned back to look him straight in the eye. “You can’t be serious.”

  “We didn’t exactly have time to prepare for any of this. The best thing we can do right now is damage control. If we want to be together, you shouldn’t be my student and we need to lay some ground rules.”

  Be together. He wants to be together. Well, this definitely changes things.

  “Ground rules.”

  “Yes, ground rules.”

  “Ugh, you are such a teacher.” I rolled my eyes.

  “And you’re a natural-born rebel, aren’t you, Ms. Parker? I’m sensing a strong aversion to authority in those beautiful bones of yours,” he pulled at my chin and smiled when I squirmed away.

  “Okay, professor. What are these ground rules, exactly?”

  “We stay away from each other on campus, which means no more nightly swims together. And you transfer classes.”

  I remained silent, knowing I had to stand my ground. Steering clear of one another at school would be a cinch, but dropping the class wasn’t an option. “Look, Ryan. I’m not about to drop everything, change my whole schedule mid-semester, and transfer classes just because we’re...interested in one another. Considering a relationship with you—or anyone—is already a stretch for me right now. It’s hard to think about having one at all. And after what I just saw today with you and Alisha...you’re—”

  “Totally ready for one,” he finished.

  “Huh? But what about the blonde, too? Is she—”

  “She’s history. I won’t see her again, you have my word.”

  “So...you’re ready for a relationship?”

  “I told you, Kate. Alisha and I have been broken up. The blonde was just...a distraction. And then you came along.” He pushed the hair back from my face. “You’re a game changer for me. Is that clear enough for you?”

  I leaned into his palm, flattered, but aware I needed to tread carefully here. The thought of a relationship with someone was not appealing to me, but Ryan wasn’t just anyone. He made every other Average Joe pale in comparison, and my instincts told me he was worth the effort. He was a game changer for me, too, and I needed him to know that. But I wasn’t about to turn my world upside down. There was too much happening, too fast.

  “But I understand if you don’t feel the same way.” He recoiled his hand from my face, breaking my train of thought.

  “It’s not that.” I placed my hand on his knee. “The feeling’s mutual. I just don’t have time for anything high maintenance right now, Ryan. And dropping my class to be with you is high maintenance. You’ll have to think of some other way to get Alisha to back off, I’m sorry.” I stood up now, feeling irritated, although I wasn’t sure what I was more irritated with: the redheaded beauty who had to witness my scene with Ryan earlier, or myself for allowing Ryan in to stir up my world.“If the dean’s already aware you’ve dated your students before, another rumor isn’t going to make a difference, even if Alisha opens her mouth. What validity does she have, anyway? They’ll see that she’s just a jealous ex-girlfriend who wants to cause drama. What are the No Fraternization policy specifics, do you know?”

  “Relationships are discouraged, not prohibited.”

  “Well, then what’s the problem?”

  “It’s not just about my job’s policy, Kate.” He stood up now, following me to the kitchen. I removed a glass from the cupboard and filled it at the tap, then took a slow sip . “I told you, it matters to me, personally. Can you understand that?”

  “I can. I understand it’s important to you. But you did pursue me, and now we’re in this.” I waved my hand between the two of us. “I do recall your words being something to the effect of ‘I won’t touch you unless you drop my class.’ And I never agreed to that.”

  Ryan rubbed his face in his hands and looked at me disapprovingly. “I take responsibility for that. But if you won’t bend, we need to find an alternative. This will reflect poorly on the school and on me, and I’m trying to leave all that shit behind me.” He shuffled forward and pulled me against him, sticking his forehead to mine. “But tell me about this you-not-wanting-a-relationship business. I need to know what I’m in for, here. Do you want to see other people?”

  I peered up into his eyes, carefully considering my words before I spoke.

  Honesty’s the best policy here, Kate.

  “No. I want to see you exclusively, but you need to know upfront that I’m not looking for anything serious. Casual is all I have time for, so if you’re not up for that...”

  “I can do casual.” He scooped down and stole a kiss, one that turned from slow and careful to passionate and hungry. “I can do anything you want,” he whispered, his words melting into my mouth as he lifted me up into his arms. And then we were on the counter, and all of my worries about Carter, school, and Alisha’s threats were heaped onto the floor along with our pile of clothing.

  ***

  Saturday morning, I raced around my room, trying to get dressed and have a debate on the phone with Dean about whether pumpkin pie or apple pie was the best Thanksgiving dessert. He was adamant that apple pie was the superior choice, but I didn’t back down on my pumpkin pie team spirit.

  “Dean, I don’t have time to argue with you over pie, damn it! I have to get ready. How about I call you back when I get home from my mom’s so we can ponder the meaning of life, okay? You know, something of a little more significance.”

  “Kate, if you don’t share my passion for apple pie, there’s no way this friendship is going to work.”

  There was a knock at the door. I dropped my hangers and hurried to answer it. Carter stood there, our grocery totes in hand.

  “Um, Dean...Carter’s here. Gotta go.” I hung up on him, holding the door open in shock. “Hi...you’re here.”

  “It’s Saturday. Are we going to the market or not?” He slipped past me, tucking the tote bags underneath his arm.

  “Yeah, sure...” I didn’t move. “I guess this means you’re ready to talk?”

  “Guess so.”

  “Okay, let me just change. Hold on.”

  We walked down to Pike’s Market and resumed our usual Saturday routine, shopping for my mom’s groceries. We bought her enough to last the week and then delivered them to her every Saturday around noon.

  It always meant the world to me that Carter came with me. He knew how painful it was for me to visit my mom, to see her condition and to be reminded of my past. When my dad left, she shut down. She quit her job, lost our house to foreclosure, and basically became a zombie because of the drugs. I had to learn to fend for myself at a very young age, and I never really got her back after that. She’d hold a conversation with me, but there was an emptiness in her eyes, a robotic response to her voice.

  “So what’s the deal with Mr. Suave? Is he officially your new boy toy?” Carter asked as we sauntered through the market, picking up my mom’s favorite chocolate pasta and fresh melons. He gave me a small, truce-like smile. He was trying, and I really appreciated it.

  “We’re not offici
ally anything,” I answered, lingering at the bakery window, contemplating whether or not to treat myself to something sweet. “I mean, we’ve agreed to see each other exclusively, but on casual terms. He knows how I feel about getting into a relationship. He wanted me to drop his class, but I won’t do that, so we’ve agreed to keep our distance on campus and limit our time together until the semester’s up.”

  “That won’t be easy if you’re crazy about each other.”

  I stopped ogling the pastries for a moment, chewing over Carter’s words. He was feeling me out, wanted to know how interested I was in Ryan, and this was his way of doing it. I knew him too well.

  “We like each other a lot, Carter. It’ll take some discipline, don’t get me wrong. But I just met the guy. No one’s going crazy over anyone just yet.”

  “Well it’s going to take some discipline on my part to keep my cool around him. I swear, if he hurts you, Kate...I can’t be held responsible for what I’d do to him.”

  “I told you, it’s not your job to rescue or defend me.” I linked my arm with his and ushered us away from the bakery window. “I appreciate your concern, and I know what Dean’s told you about him, but you have to trust my judgment.”

  “Oh. Right. There’s something good about him, apparently.”

  “There is, Carter. The guy’s earned a shitty reputation but he owns up to it. He says he’s done with all of that, and I believe him. Haven’t you ever wanted to start over? Doesn’t it offend you and make you feel worse when someone doubts your sincerity? Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. And in the meantime,” I slipped one of the tote bags higher on my shoulder, “what we do or don’t do is our business. You and Dean need to play nice and stay out of it, okay?”

  “If that’s what it takes, Kate.”

  I thought about his strange choice of words but didn’t question him. Whatever tension was still brewing between us, I wanted to keep it at bay and if at all possible, extinguish it entirely. This conversation was over.

  We made our way out of the market and toward my mom’s place, setting the heavy grocery bags down at the doorstep for a second before knocking. No answer.