Strawberry Wine

by E. Jamie

  You, Laura Thatcher, are nothing but a whore.

  Laura's eyes burned at the memory, and she squeezed them shut to stop the threat of tears. I hate you, Caleb McKinney. I hate you! He had turned and walked away, and Laura felt discarded like a piece of garbage.

  Garbage, just like her mother had said.

  The one person she had been sure would never hurt her had treated her like something he needed to scrape off the bottom of his shoe. She'd been right to leave. That young girl, afraid she wasn't good enough to be Caleb McKinney's wife, afraid she would end up screwing up and hurting him, had instead been the one smashed to pieces.

  She punched the pillow and turned onto her stomach, glaring out the moonlit window. She'd been right. Any man who could be that brutal, that cold, would just destroy her in the end. When she was a teenager she had seen the sweet, loving side of Caleb McKinney. This vicious bastard had been hidden. Marriage would have revealed that Caleb's love for her would only last as long as she remained what he wanted her to be. Some infallible angel. She'd been right to run.

  Laura's stomach clenched tight with unpleasant memories, and she decided she'd had enough of her stupid ass. Slipping out of bed, she slid her feet into the violet satin slippers Caroline had loaned her and quietly made her way downstairs, desperate for some McKinney-free air. She went out onto the porch for a few minutes and smoked a cigarette, hoping she could ease the tension in her body enough to sleep.

  She loved this house. It had been the place she had truly thought of as home, much more so than her own house. Caroline had always been wonderful to her. If Laura could have picked the perfect mom, it would have been Caroline McKinney. She had always made Laura feel welcome in her home and sometimes would sit and talk to her while Caleb and his little brother were playing catch or working on the tree house they never finished.

  Sometimes, when Laura helped them with the tree house, Caroline McKinney would roll up her jeans and sleeves and climb up with them. She helped them out and always asked questions, genuinely interested in her children’s activities. She never ignored them.

  She had always sent Laura home with leftovers, insisting that since she enjoyed the food so much, she should take some home so her mom could see how to make the various dishes.

  Laura wondered if Caroline McKinney ever knew that she used to hide the food from her mother.

  Her mother didn’t know at first that Laura sometimes visited the McKinney’s and that she loved it more than her own house because it was a real home. Karen Thatcher was usually too drunk to even know whether her daughter was home or not.

  Laura never brought Caleb to her house. She never wanted him to see how awful it was there. She used to fear that he would change his mind and not want to be her friend anymore. He might have seen that it really didn’t make sense for them to hang out because his life was so much better than hers.

  She finished her cigarette and turned back into the house. She didn’t bother turning the light on in the kitchen. The light left on over the oven was good enough for Laura to see her way to the sink and pour herself a glass of cold water. She decided against the ice, not wanting the noise from the fridge to alert anyone to her sleeplessness. She gulped down the water and let the humming and warm light in the room soothe her before making her way back up to her bedroom, where she was startled by Caroline coming out of her own room.

  “Oh, I was wondering who was puttering around downstairs. I figured it was Caleb raiding the fridge like he used to do. Would you like to come in and chat with me for a little while? It can wait until morning if you like, but I think we have much to discuss, don’t you?” Caroline asked. “I thought it would be easier now than with Caleb… Well, you know.” Her voice was so soft and full of gentle warmth, Laura didn't think she would make it another step before blubbering out the whole truth.

  This is what it must feel like to be on your way to be executed, Laura thought with a shudder after she nodded and followed the older woman into her bedroom.

  Caroline stood fiddling with the jewelry box for a minute before pulling out a pair of violet glass drop earrings. “Did you love Mike?” she asked, looking into the mirror at Laura behind her, who took a seat on the edge of the canopy bed.

  She blinked in surprise, not expecting the conversation to have started there. “Yes.

  I… I did,” Laura replied, her voice cracking.

  “The way you love Caleb?” Caroline countered. Her big brown eyes locked on her, and for a few seconds, Laura couldn’t breathe.

  Love. Not loved. Love.

  She stiffened her spine. She was a grown woman, for goodness’ sake! She didn’t owe any explanation to anyone.

  Please don't hate me....

  Caroline deserved an explanation. This woman, who had been the mother Laura always wanted, deserved more than half-truths and outright bullshit. She couldn't deal with the idea that Caroline could possibly not love her anymore. A sob caught in her throat, and Laura tried to blink away the tears that threatened.

  “Loved,” Laura corrected, choking on the lie.

  Caroline's eyes softened sympathetically, seeing through that. “When Caleb told me he had proposed to you. I was going to give these to you at the engagement dinner," she said, turning and sitting beside her on the pale pink bedspread. She took Laura's left hand and placed the earrings in her palm.

  “Oh,” Laura said, shoulders sagging. Oh God...save me from this. Let me close my eyes and be somewhere else when I open them! Squeezing her eyes shut only succeeded in loosening the tears hanging on her lashes. When Laura opened her eyes, she was still in Caroline's bedroom.

  “Should I take them back?”

  Without thinking, Laura possessively closed her hand around the earrings.

  The older woman caught the gesture and gave Laura a sad smile. “What happened, Laura?”

  She bolted from the bed; unable to look the woman she loved in the eye. She wrapped her arms around herself and tried to take a breath to calm her aching heart. Her eyes fell on a picture on Caroline's night table. Caleb and Mike were on both sides of their mother, lips pressed to her cheeks. The woman was beaming at the camera, at Laura who was taking the picture. It had been a mere few months before Laura left them all like the coward she was.

  “Laura...” Caroline pressed a gentle hand on Laura's hip.

  “I loved Mike. Caleb and I were over a long time ago. Now can I go back—”

  “Not yet. I deserve better than that, Laura Thatcher,” Caroline pointed out. “Now sit down.”

  Chastised, Laura tucked a leg in under herself and sat back down on the bed, her other leg dangling over the side.

  “I watched you with Caleb for years. The two of you adored each other. You don't just give up that kind of love with no explanation. You left him without so much as a goodbye. I expected better from you, Laura. My heart broke for my son, but also because I thought we all meant more to you than that.”

  “Please...stop...," Laura begged, digging her nails into her palms, the backs of the earrings pressing into her skin while the tears dripped off her chin.

  “Whatever you're feeling right now, you could have prevented, Laura. You know that. I love you like a daughter, but that didn't matter to you. That was very selfish of you.”

  “I know!” she snapped. “I know I'm a selfish bitch who always manages to screw up her life, and God help anyone who happens to get caught in the crossfire! You should be glad I dumped Caleb,” she burst out, burning with self-loathing.

  “I'll thank you to watch your language in my house, young lady,” Caroline insisted, glaring at Laura. “In regards to the rest of that little tirade, while I don't flatter myself into thinking you see me as a mother, I would expect you to have more respect for me than to think I would ever see you as a screw-up. You're better than that. Now while I do want you to be happy, I'm not entirely sure you can be happy without dealing with what happened between you and my son.”

  “Caleb and I are over—”


  Caroline held up her hand. “Please. I'm not finished. The day you left, I sat with Caleb all through that night. He kept asking me why. Why you had just left him? There is no worse feeling in the world, Laura, than seeing one of your children in pain and not being able to help them. I think the two of you should take some time tomorrow and have a long talk. For myself, I would love nothing more than for you and Caleb to be together again, but I cannot fully give you my blessing until I know you are the woman I always believed you to be. Someone who would never intentionally hurt those she loves. Maybe I can still believe that, if you tell me the reason you left my son. And please, don't even try and tell me it was because you grew out of your love for Caleb and it was just some puppy-love romance. I know better.”

  Laura bit her lip. She knew that she could never ask Caroline to keep her secret. She wouldn’t keep that information from her son. But maybe...maybe she might be able to tell her just enough of the truth so Caroline would accept why she had to leave.

  “I went to visit my mother in the hospital when she was dying on the day I left...” Laura began, wiping her damp cheeks.

  When she’d concluded the story, Caroline looked at Laura like she thought there was more, but she didn’t push. Laura explained how Karen Thatcher had ranted and raved at her, taunted her with the promise that she would never make anything of herself. Laura was not worthy to be a McKinney. She was garbage, and Caleb would know it and abandon her like her daddy had.

  Caroline pulled Laura into her arms and hugged her, then drew back and shook her head. “You should have talked to Caleb, Laura. Or you should have come to me. You should have known that your mother was just a bitter woman who couldn't stand to see anyone happy if she was miserable.”

  “I know that now. But back then…” A shudder went through her. “I was so afraid she was right. That I had no business being happy ’cause I would just mess it up. I was young and scared.”

  “And an idiot, young lady,” Caroline added.

  “I'm so sorry I hurt Caleb. You'll never know how sorry I am.” Laura lowered her head, tears dripping into her lap. “And that I hurt you, after you had been so good to me. But I was about to get everything I wanted, and I panicked. I wasn't ready to marry anyone if I couldn't get past my mother’s influence. She still had the power to wreck me, and I knew I'd always hear her voice in the back of my head if I jumped into marriage. I was so young, and she had pounded into me that I wasn't worth a damn thing.”

  “You should have told Caleb all this,” Caroline insisted, taking Laura's hands.

  “He would have tried to convince me my mother was full of shit.”

  “She was.” She nodded, wiping at Laura's damp cheeks.

  “Yeah. But I needed to figure that out from myself. I needed to be happy myself. Build myself up and learn that everything my mother told me was a lie. I was worth something because I made myself be.”

  Caroline sighed and pulled back with a quiet look of understanding.

  “You know very well how persistent your son is. If I tried to explain any of this, he'd try and convince me he could fix it all.”

  “That's my Caleb. Mr. Fix-It,” Caroline admitted with a small smile. Then the smile wavered. “So you left without a word. I still can't approve or condone what you did, Laura. It was cowardly and hurtful. But I can understand the reasoning behind it. Now tell me how I can hope that you and Caleb find your way back to each other and not worry that you'll hurt him again?”

  “I don't know if I can convince you things are different now. I'm different. So is Caleb.”

  “Oh, I have no doubt about that,” Caroline agreed, crossing her arms. “You honestly expect me to believe that you don't love Caleb anymore?”

  Laura took a deep breath and tried her hardest to make her face echo her words. “I'll always love him. But we were both so young. We barely knew ourselves and were so wrapped up in each other that we never developed into whole people. He was my first love. That'll never change. We just… We’re not those people anymore. He's moved on too. We've both grown up. Maybe we can be friends."

  Caroline snorted. “My son is not the forgiving kind. You know that.”

  “No. But maybe after we talk, I can make him see I was right to break it off.”

  “Oh, I'm not sure it won't take a miracle for that to happen.” Caroline ran her fingers through her blonde hair, a habit both Caleb and Mike echoed often.

  “I want your forgiveness first,” Laura admitted in a small voice, daring to hope that it would be granted to her. She picked at the light green fabric of the pajama pants Caroline had let her borrow.

  The older woman was silent for a good few minutes. She got up and paced her bedroom, stopping to push aside the curtain and look out the window for a minute.

  Laura waited, watching her and holding her breath.

  “You have my forgiveness, Laura.”

  She got up and threw her arms around Caroline, feeling a rush of relief surge through her body. Was it stupid of her to hope Caleb would ever be as forgiving?

  ****

  She should have known better. The next morning while she sat across the table from him, Laura noticed that he wouldn’t meet her eyes. A small part of her hoped it was because he was ashamed of his actions towards her yesterday and not because he couldn’t stand the sight of her.

  “So, what would you like for dinner tonight?” Caroline asked her son, though her eyes remained on Laura with unmistakable insistence. When would she get to it and talk with Caleb so they could clear the air?

  “Whatever you want to make is fine,” he grumbled, taking a drink from a red coffee mug.

  He hadn’t shaved in what looked like days. Was that habit or just laziness due to his injuries? Laura remembered him being clean shaven. She closed her eyes briefly and

  was hit with the memory of soft skin smelling of the spicy cologne she’d bought him for a gift when he’d first started shaving.

  “I was thinking lasagna for a special treat, but I have to go into town to pick up some ground beef.”

  There it was. Her opening. She was giving Laura her time alone with Caleb. Laura’s heart shot up into her throat, and her hands grew cold with panic.

  Caleb suddenly lifted his head, as his mother’s words seemed to penetrate and he was presented with the prospect of being alone with Laura. Wide blue eyes met hers for a brief second before darting away. “I can drive you.”

  Of course, Caroline shot down his suggestion. “No, you’ll stay here with Laura until I get back. If you two would like to get started chopping the vegetables, that would be a big help to me.”

  Caleb and Laura cooking together? Playing house? She was all for having her time alone to talk with Caleb, but she thought Caroline was laying it on a little thick, and her glare told her so.

  The older woman just smiled sweetly and grabbed her blue cardigan off the doorknob on the back of the kitchen door.

  The moment she left, Caleb got up out of his chair and spilled the rest of his coffee in the sink. Laura stood up with him and watching with growing nervousness when he turned to leave her alone in the kitchen.

  “Um…sweet peppers?” she blurted, grasping for something to keep him there so she could get out the things she so desperately needed to say.

  “Huh?” Caleb asked, turning around and glowering at her.

  “The vegetables and stuff? You wanna start with the peppers? We should get started on that, to help out your mom. Do you know where the knives are?”

  “How considerate of you,” Caleb sneered, but he scratched his arm, bare in a black undershirt, and moved past her to the drawer closest to the fridge. He pulled out two knives and handed one to her before opening the fridge and pulling out what they would need.

  Her face was hot while she stood next to him and struggled over the next few minutes to find the words to explain why she had done what she had. “Caleb, listen—”

  He slammed the knife down and stared at her. “Let’s get one
thing straight, okay? What I did yesterday, it won’t happen again. I lost control, and that’s on me.”

  “I understand you were—”

  But he didn’t let her finish. “We’ll go back to Queens and get to work on this case, and that’s it. I don’t want any of our past crap interfering with this investigation—you got that? If you can’t pull that off, you let me know now.”

  “I… just…” she stammered, floundering now. Didn’t he want her to explain?

  “Well?” he snapped, and his tone made her stiffen.

  “I can do my job,” she hissed, determined not to cry. There would be no chance to explain, no chance at forgiveness.