by E. Jamie
Caleb took a deep breath, and his whole body relaxed while he beamed at her and shook his head. “You're wrong. That fixes everything. Because no matter how much we screw up—and knowing us, that will be a lot—as long as we love each other and remember what the alternative is, we'll keep working at it. I'm not giving up on you, Laura Thatcher. Not ever again,” he promised, reaching over to cup her face in his hands. “You're it for me and I know you feel the same, and we're gonna have a life that is something besides misery and duty, damn it. Case closed,” he insisted stubbornly, kissing her again.
****
There are things he doesn't know, Laura told herself. Well, one thing, specifically. But she tried to hold on to his assurance that he loved her and would work through whatever they needed to.
She tried to tell him so many times over the next few months. Laura was confined to the hospital while she healed, and she began to fear that she would never get back out on the street. The insane amount of medication they had her on played havoc with her body. Some of the drugs she was going to have to take for the rest of her life. Never missing a dose. For heaven’s sakes, Laura sometimes forgot to eat! Now she was supposed to remember when to take what pill, forever?
Not to mention how shaky and crampy some of them made her feel. They'd had to hook her up to a dialysis machine to monitor her kidneys, since they’d looked like they were going to fail three times now.
It was hard to feel grateful to be alive when your head felt like it would explode and everything you put in your mouth hurt like a mother. She'd even had to stop kissing Caleb a few times because her gums hurt too much.
But sometimes, she just wanted him so badly that she let him, swollen gums and all.
She was sure she was getting fat too.
Laura was, in a word, going out of her damned mind. She cried about everything and nothing, reminding herself of when she was pregnant, which just made her cry harder when she thought about telling Caleb and him not being able to forgive her.
He knew something was bothering her but he didn’t push, probably waiting for her to tell him in her own time. Laura tried to gather her courage, but he was so happy now that she was reluctant to do anything to shatter that joy in him.
He went back to work, wrapping up the Mankell case, and his absence gave Laura a small hint of how Caleb must have felt when he thought he'd lost her. Because every time he went out the door, she couldn’t breathe until she saw him again.
She always wanted to see him. Okay, she always wanted him, period. Now that they'd decided to try again, the sexual ache she'd had for the man had intensified a thousand fold.
Though she doubted he found her hacking up spit every hour for the doctor very sexy.
He snuck in sometimes during the night and touched her, massaging her chest and abdomen gently now that they'd removed the damn tubes. His hands 'strayed' to her breasts quite often.
When she was released, Caleb insisted she return with him to his apartment, and she had no desire to say no.
Caroline offered to let Laura stay at her house to recuperate, but she declined. She and Caleb wanted to be alone.
He helped her into the apartment, and she was reluctant to let go of him.
“Hungry?” he asked, tucking a lock of her hair behind her ear.
She shook her head and held his hand. “Can we just lie down for a little while?”
“Sure, whatever you want,” he nodded, kissing her forehead, and she closed her eyes at the sweet gesture.
They moved into the bedroom, and Laura sighed, burrowing herself against Caleb’s body while he wrapped himself around her. This place was home now. This apartment. Caleb’s bed. Caleb’s arms. She took a deep, shaky breath and just reveled in the silence broken by nothing more than their breathing. She sent a prayer of thanks heavenward. She’d been drifting for so long and had never believed she would find her way back to this place again.
****
He couldn’t be more different than Caleb, Laura mused, watching the blond-haired, green-eyed man across the table from her. He was all big, blustery confidence. And all he talked about was flying. Did she like the moves he used today? Did she want to come watch him at the airstrip again, and maybe he could take her up sometime this summer?
Caleb could talk about the mating habits of fireflies and make it sound interesting.
Laura shivered at the memory of him, fighting the throb of pain she kept locked away that was always threatening to burst through. It would remind her how wrong this was. How wrong it was to sit here with this man who was not Caleb.
Laura picked up her third glass of wine and downed it in one gulp. Stop it, Thatcher. Caleb is the past, she reminded herself. How many times do you have to be smacked in the face with the fact that you were never meant to be his? God made that clear enough when he took her baby away. She didn’t despise God anymore. It took her over a year and one very determined, nosy priest, Father Morgan, to show her that God was watching over her and was helping her get through this dark time.
She'd had a pistol in her mouth the first time she'd gotten a sign from God. She'd had a dream about Caleb. One so real she could almost feel him. In her dream he was calling for her. Even though she was right there in the room with him, he couldn't see her. Then her mother came and laughed at her, telling her that Laura was dead and that was why Caleb couldn't find her. To him, Laura was dead. She had woken up in a cold sweat, curled up on her bed, sobbing in anguish. She’d never thought the pain would fade.
She didn't know which pain was sharper. The loss of the baby she never got to know, or the loss of the man who was the other half of her soul. Either way, Laura Thatcher was broken and felt she would never be fixed. What was the point of going on when all she'd feel was pain? So she sat in her car and grabbed the gun she'd bought after a few of the women on the school grounds had been raped and sat there with the pistol in her mouth, willing herself to end this agony that was now her life.
And then the door to her glove compartment dropped open. The engagement ring Caleb had bought for her fell out and dropped on the floor of her car. Laura had sat in her car for three hours, holding the ring and crying. There was something in that little ring that spoke to her, spoke of a tiny glimmer of hope, of someday. Someday she was gonna be strong. Someday she was not gonna hurt anymore. God wanted her to live. To live and be strong and do great things with her life. Laura didn't feel she was there yet at all, but she still woke up every day. That was something.
“What do you say we get out of here, hmmm?” Jimmy asked, stroking her fingers.
She shivered with the appropriate physical response, but her heart shut off. Sex was always like that for her now. She responded physically, but somewhere inside of her, a tiny click went off, shutting the door with Caleb McKinney's name on it.
The first time she’d had sex after him, she had thrown up afterwards. She didn't know if it was because she was drunk off her ass or because she had felt him there in the room with them the whole time. So now she locked him away like her dirty little secret.
Only Karl knew about Caleb and the baby that wasn't.
Jimmy was a bad lover. His technique was jerky, and he had no rhythm. She likened it to the way he walked, proving her point that you really could tell how a man made love by how he moved in his everyday life.
Caleb moved like music. Steady and with purpose. He exuded confidence without being cocky. And he made love to her the same way. Even at his roughest, he still made sure she was right with him.
Jimmy took her roughly and reached his release before she did. He dropped on top of her, and Laura stared at the crown of his sweaty hair in disbelief.
“Unbelievable. Get off of me,” Laura seethed, pushing at his shoulder.
Oh, he was not!
Snore.
“Son of a bitch.” She struggled to get out from underneath Jimmy and shuddered with revulsion when she finally managed it. All she wanted now was to take a shower and get a good night of
dreamless sleep. She spotted the mini calendar on her desk that Karl had given her when she’d first gotten her placement at the academy.
Well, when he’d helped her get her placement, Laura admitted. Wanting to get as far away from Caleb as possible, she’d let Karl help her enroll in the police academy he attended in Philadelphia. Dating the director's daughter had its advantages. She owed Karl so much. And yet when she tried to pay him back with her body, having no money,
he wouldn't hear of it and turned her down. Their relationship wasn't a sexual one, and Laura was so very grateful for that. Karl honestly wanted nothing more from her than to be her friend.
Laura froze when she saw the date. Oh God...oh my God...no. Not today. She slipped a shirt on and grabbed the calendar, a growing lump of disgust burning in her stomach. Laura had chosen a day to celebrate what would have been her baby's birth date had it survived. Karl didn't know the date. It was something she kept to herself.
She'd figured out the month would have been August and chosen a random day. The fourth. Today. Her son, she imagined it was a boy, would have been two years old today.
Here she was, on her dead child's birthday, screwing some asshole. Right. No wonder God took her child away. Some mother she was. She reached over the bed and punched Jimmy hard in the shoulder.
“Get up and get out,” Laura demanded, shaking.
He just grunted.
“Damn it, wake up, you jerk!”
“Wha...?” he groaned, eyes fluttering open, and rolled himself onto his back.
“Get out.” She wrapped her arms around herself to try and stop her trembling. She was gonna be sick, and she'd rather this stranger not be here to witness it.
“In...mmmorning,” he grumbled, closing his eyes again.
“NO! Damn it. I want you out of here! NOW!” she screamed.
He paid her no mind and in seconds was snoring again. She reached for her gun under the mattress and fired a shot into the wall, right above Jimmy's head.
“What the hell?” He jolted awake and fell off the bed. He stared up at her, wide eyed with confusion and terror. “What the hell is your problem?”
“Get out of my room!” she snapped, pointing the gun at him.
Karl burst into the room. “What the—?”
Jimmy knocked into him on his way out. “Keep her the hell away from me. She's nuts, man! Goddamned crazy!”
“Geez, Thatcher. Put the gun down!” Karl said, reaching around to grip her wrist and lower the pistol to the ground.
“It’s my fault, Karl,” she whispered while he led her to the bed to lie down.
“What?” he asked, kneeling by her bed while tucking her in, her tears falling onto his hands.
“My baby. I didn’t deserve him.”
Karl sighed and shook his head. “No, babe. It wasn’t your fault. It was a terrible accident.”
She meant to argue with him more, but her stomach came up to meet her throat, and she instead decided to lean over the edge of the bed and throw up on his thighs.
****
She closed her eyes and took Caleb’s hand in hers, stroking the warm skin. He was truly here with her. Laura brought his hand to her mouth and kissed his palm. “I love you,” she murmured. She’d never thought she’d have this again, but here she was in the arms of the man she loved. What good would telling him about the baby do now? They had a future now. The past was over and done with.
“…love too…” he sighed into her hair.
Laura squeezed his fingers and hoped he didn’t feel her tremble.
Chapter Fourteen
He always remembered her medication and when to take what pill. It was a sure bet that whenever Laura turned around, she could be certain that Caleb would be standing there with a tiny pillbox and cup of water in his hands.
He'd probably be holding them when they finally made love, too.
Laura found herself getting more nervous about that as the days passed. Damn pills make her nauseous. She ate like a horse and was pretty sure by the end of the year, she'd resemble the psycho killer whose heart she’d gotten.
She was over the moon with joy when Caleb whispered in her ear that he couldn't wait to make love to her so she wouldn't be able to walk for days.
“Been there, done that,” she joked, and he smiled and held her so tight that Laura knew he was remembering how close they came to not having this.
Karl still glared at her as the days went by because Caleb was still in the dark about their lost child. Soon, she promised Karl and herself.
Caleb and Laura talked about the past; they talked about the pain they’d caused each other. They talked about Mike and how he would feel if he knew they were back together. They felt guilty but too happy to give each other up, which made them feel guiltier.
Caleb's father insisted that Mike’s feelings couldn’t matter. He and Laura were alive. Mike was gone. They had to live for no one but each other right now.
Right now, Laura was in the shower stall shaving her legs. She examined her curves with her hands and wished she could do more exercises. Get her body a bit tighter, sleeker, but Doctor Comel insisted she be restricted to small workouts with light weights.
“You want a good ticker? Deal with the fat ass,” he remarked matter-of-factly when she complained that she wanted to do more.
Laura reached behind herself to check. Not as tight as she remembered, but not around her knees either. “Damn it, Thatcher. Get a grip.” It was just for a little while longer. Besides, she was certain that she and Caleb were gonna explode against each other when they did have sex again, so it wouldn't matter in the end what she looked like.
Then there was the scar. The ugly, jagged thing ran from her chest to her abdomen and still hurt a little. When it didn’t hurt, it itched like a bitch. Laura wondered what Caleb was going to think when he saw her naked, saw that scar.
She tried to convince herself that he wouldn't care. Repeated the knowledge that Caleb loved her over and over in her head while she slipped into the nice nightgown she’d bought.
He was still stuck at work on a new case, giving Laura time to stew in her nervousness. “Thanks a bunch,” she grumbled out loud.
She checked the takeout dinner of veal and pasta she had warming on low in the oven and walked into the bedroom and smiled, feeling a shiver of anticipation. She imagined the two of them in that bed, and her body throbbed.
Laura pressed a hand against the scar on her chest. She was different, but so was Caleb. His body was no longer that of a lean teenager but a broad, muscled man. Though he still had the lean hips of his youth, he had a fighter's body now.
He had his own scars; his own wounds, most of them faded, and he'd probably have many more in his career. But he was still so goddamned beautiful to her. The knowledge was comforting. He loved her. Laura believed that. He'd feel the same when he looked at her, she hoped.
Her heart jumped when she heard the lock turn and Caleb walked in. He stopped with a start of surprise when he saw her. As his eyes roamed down and up her body, Laura felt his gaze on her skin like a physical thing.
“What—” he asked, taking in her nightgown.
“Well, I'll give you three guesses,” she said with a smile, walking towards him. “But you'll only need one.” She cupped the back of his head and drew his mouth to hers.
Caleb gave a small grunt of satisfaction and gathered her close to him, driving his fingers into her hair. She wished she'd let her hair grow long. She missed the feeling of Caleb's fingers in her long hair, and how he would bring the strands around her face in his hands and just bury his nose in it.
He ran his hands down her back, running his fingers along the back of her nightgown.
The short nightgown Laura wore stopped halfway down her thighs. It wasn’t satin, which she knew would have been more romantic, but simple linen. She got a kick out of the tiny violet buds along the V-shaped neckline. Kinda pretty and understated.
Caleb never really went for the cro
tch-less panties and leather look, which Laura was very grateful for. He was a simple man.
She’d bought a lace teddy once, red and black, which she’d thought he would find sexy. He’d liked it, but admitted that there was something about her simple white bra or black sports bra and pretty little panties that just made him want to do bad things to her.
Now she felt a bit cold. The heating in Caleb’s building was always a bit wonky. But his body was always so warm. Laura pressed herself against him, and he slid his hands down her back.
He broke the kiss, breathless. “Are you sure this is okay? It won't hurt you?” His gaze searched hers, and she could see the plea in his eyes.
She gave him a small smile. “We'll have to go slow.”
He sucked her lower lip into his mouth and sighed. “Oh, trust me, I have no plans to rush.”